Father's Day (absent fathers)

[Butterflykissess]

I've posted about this on Aibu a little while ago but thought I would post on here to see if anyone is in the same boat as I feel quite awkward about it. dcs school do cards for fathers day and as he is absent I wanted to ask them not to get my children to make them(not the while school) . Is anyone else doing the same?

How old is your DC? My DS's school never did them..Teacher said it can cause so many problems they just gloss over it.

My DS did once have a fathers day card making night at cubs. He was year 1.... I gave him the option to go make one and give it to someone else or not go..He chose to go and gave it to his teacher ( female).

i would speak to the children, speak to teachers if necessary.

I just feel awkward bringing it up as I don't really want to air my business . But I'm not sure what else to do them as dd done one last year and I said to myself I will say something this year. dd is in year 7 ds is 6.

I am thinking of starting a tradition of making a "We Got This" cake for my eldest and me as our father's are absent and we know no better

Could they make it for themselves?

How do they feel about it though ? It’s not airing your business , teachers are there for your children . This information helps them support the children . You will not be the only one in this situation.

Our school did the topic happy families one year . I knew it would not go well. It didn’t in fact they changed some of the planned activities due to my ds’s Reaction. However it was his response not what I wanted covered.

I think they are too young to understand. Dd has autism and my 6 year old ds isnt aware of the day. I know it sounds pathetic but I just feel judged sometimes as a lone parent so don't really want to go around highlighting to everyone that my children have no contact with their dad.

Could they make it for a grandad or other male figure that they like instead? That way they can still do the same activity as the others without the focus on the absent father?

Hi OP. You and your DCs aren't alone in this situation by any means, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, although I do fully understand your feelings. I think you do need to make school and the class teacher aware there is no contact with the F, and to tell them this should be treated confidentially. As they go through school, issues like this will come up from time to time, and school needs to be aware, so that they can support your DCs and make any necessary adjustments. In this instance, they could make a card for you - after all, you are both DM and DF, all rolled into one.

I get it . When my Ds started school I had to see headteacher and explain to her if Ds ‘s dad turned up he was at risk despite having pr. I had never met her before . At the end of explaining this is not a bitter parent but a real risk . I said apart from that we are a normal family. She replied one thing I have learned in this job is there is no such thing as a normal family . They are not there to judge you but help your children please don’t be embarrassed .

If the children don’t feel uncomfortable then does it matter if they make them? Surely it will make them feel worse if they get pulled next out of an activity the rest of the class are doing?

They are not making him a card. No way. They are too young to understand. Which is probably why they haven't said anything (I've not mentioned the day anyway.) but I don't want them making a card regardless. He wants nothing to do with them why are they making cards for him. Nope? Thanks for the other comments I will bring it up to the teacher. I know I shouldn't feel embarrassed and I don't feel being a lone parent is embarrassing more that I do feel judged for it.

Of course they shouldn't make a card for him OP.

Being a lone parent happens to the best of parents, the worst of parents, and every sort of parent inbetween, or for some parents it's an active positive choice. I'm not by nature a judgemental person, but if anyone deserves judging negatively in your situation it's the F who doesn't want anything to do with his children nor I assume supports them financially.

I would judge you too OP, but positively, if you are doing your best as a completely lone parent of 2 DCs, especially with the added pressures of a DC with a disability.

This came up today with playgroup. A family member takes him whilst I am at work. She messaged me to say they were making them but she had made a granddad one instead of a dad one

They are not making him a card. No way. They are too young to understand. Which is probably why they haven't said anything (I've not mentioned the day anyway.) but I don't want them making a card regardless. He wants nothing to do with them why are they making cards for him. Nope?

But if they are too young to understand then this is your issue, not theirs. So if they are too young to get it and would enjoy the activity what’s the harm?

This isn't a debate about whether they should or not. Yes I don't want them making a card to a man that was abusive to me and told me he wants nothing to do with his kids. You may think kids should still make cards to a dad that chooses not to see them. I don't. And since I'm their parent I will make the decision.

And for the record yes I do think its damaging and confusing. They may not understand now as they are young and I haven't mentioned the day but as a parent I will do my best to protect them.

I always made my granddad a card. Is that an option? Orr their primary male role model.

Is your dad on the scene OP? Could they make one for him?

yes my dad is so I think thAt will be a good ide a.

DD’s school make it inclusive in that for Father’s Day they can choose to make their card for whoever they want, father, grandfather, uncle, brother, friend. Same for Mother’s Day. DD’s Dad isn’t totally absent but he flits in and out of her life, last year she made one for him but the year before she chose to make one for my brother, her Uncle.
School will be used to it.
Also, I doubt you’ll have an issue with DD if she’s in year 7, it’s usually a primary school thing.

Argh just realised I put year 7 that should be she is 7 not year 7 s he's in year 2.

Hi again OP. I'm glad you found a solution - to tell school and for your DCs to make cards for their grandad. Schools should be on top of this already for card making, not just on Father's Day, but also Mother's Day and so on. There have always been DCs with only one parent or none - either because they have absented themselves like this F, or are no contact because of abuse, or they have passed away. Other DCs will need to make 2 Fathers Day or 2 Mothers Day cards. It should all be about helping DCs feel ok about whatever sort of family they come from. It can churn up all sorts of issues for looked after DCs too. It's not, or shouldn't be, rocket science for education professionals.

Hopefully it'll be done sensitively. Lots of talk about people who do things for us and ways we could say Thankyou. There's lots of different types of families etc
I'd pre-empt it and ask how they will be handling the day and ask that they talk about extended male family members too

I had a little lad who made a card for his mum, she was made up

Could they make a card for you (because you’re mum and dad rolled into one) instead? I agree they shouldn’t be pushed to do it, just because.

Just to add OP, that DCs are never too young to talk about families, infact the younger the better in my view. They need to grow up knowing that their family is just one shade of normal. I don't know if they know their F at all or even know of his existence yet, but again the earlier you can talk to them about the situation in an age appropriate way, the better. You might not have talked about it to them, but other kids will chat about their families, and so your DCs will have questions and thoughts about their own. It's better than it coming as a shock to them when they're older. I know all this will be dependent upon the level of your DD's Autism. Hopefully someone will come along and recommend a helpful book or two. All the best OP. I know these are difficult issues