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Original poster

How far does your XP live from you and how often does he see the kids?

33 replies

charliecat · 21/05/2007 11:37

Just split up and xdp is thinking of throwing in his very well paid job to go back to his mums spare room and be jobless.
We are in Kent, shes in Scotland.
Ive said the kids will see him once every 6 months if they are lucky, once a year if he meets a new woman.
If they are lucky.
How far away is your X and what giant efforts does he make to maintain a relationship with his DC?

OP posts:
lou33 · 21/05/2007 11:40

thailand lol

tho he reckons he will be back in july

he calls them rarely, last time they spoke was feb

last time he saw them was august

starfairy · 21/05/2007 11:46

I live 10 mins away from xp, made a consious decision to stay here (although I'd rather be elsewhere), so that dd could have relationship with her dad.

He sees here almost everyday.

Purpleparrot · 21/05/2007 11:50

I used to live 6 miles away from ex but worked in the same office as him and his girlfriend for nearly 4 years. It was hell so I applied for a new job. Sadly being in a rural area meant that I had to move away so I now live just over 50 miles from him. I did try to discuss it with him before I left and invited him to DS new school for a visit, so it wasn't as if I upped and left in the dead of night!

He sees ds from a Friday evening to a Sunday evening once a fortnight, one week over Christmas and one week over the summer. This is actually the same as he used to see him when we lived just down the road. In fact we lived directly opposite work and he still never saw him more than once a fortnight!

He never rings, emails, texts, sends him anything, responds to notification when he is ill or has done something great!

It is his choice... he has been told he can contact DS whenever he wants but it would seem from conversations with ds that his father finds it hard enough to show him love and attention when he visits never mind outside of visits!

He does the 100+ mile round trip on a Friday to collect ds and I do the same trip on a Sunday to bring him back.

Every parent is different though. Some actually do want to spend time with their children and will move heaven and earth to make that happen. As long as your children are loved by you they should still do fine... their father will miss out when they are older and don't want to know.

cardy · 21/05/2007 11:55

My DH has 2 children from a previous relationship, they live 300 miles away and he see them about every 3 months. He (sometimes we) always go to them, they have never visited us.

Speccy · 21/05/2007 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brightwell · 21/05/2007 12:12

My ex live 50 miles away, about an hour 15 mins drive. He is supposed to have dc alternate weekends Fri-Sun, tends to pick them up Sat morning & bring them back between 5-7pm on Sundays (that's if they both go), annoying that he won't give me a time so I have to make sure I'm home just in case he brings them home early. He is supposed to have them for 2 weeks during the summer hols + a half term holiday. In reality he has them for a week during the summer.

mmelody · 21/05/2007 16:23

My ex lives 6 miles away and sees DD once a week or sometimes fortnight for a day at the weekend. He rarely rings, texts or emails and shows no interest in her schooling, friends or social life. Pathetic. What makes me mad is that he actually thinks he is a great Dad just because he sees her regularly. Talk about delusional.

hayes · 21/05/2007 17:47

mmelody - i know this not an excuse but some mums make things difficult for dads to contact their children, not saying you do this but I think a lot of the time the blame lies with both parents as they can't put their differences to the side and concentrate on whats most important, the children.

charliecat - he may just be saying this just now as he is hurt at the split, it seems a big change to make so quickly unless of course he has been thinking of it for a while.

why do you think he would see them less if he meets another woman?

madamez · 21/05/2007 17:53

{advance apologies for possible smug alert} DS' dad sees him twice a week, babysitting for him usually on Weds and Fri nights, quite often seeing him for a whole or half day during the weekend, sometimes the 3 of us will go out together for a day, even away for a weekend. At the moment we are both single, though DS dad is actively looking for a "soulmate" (bwahahahahaha! it's a bit like having one's own soap opera as he turns up with ongoing bunny-boiler and desperate-housewife stories) and I have it at the back of my mind that should he get himself involved with some ghastly woman who won't be kind to DS or tries to keep his father all to herself, then I might have to see such a woman off.
But I think the secret ingredient, FWIW is that DS dad and I had our (perfectly amicable) couple break up about 15 years before the drunken bunk-up that led to DS, so we are comfy-enough-with-each -other drinking buddies rather than holding torches or riddled with bitter spite.

Original poster
charliecat · 21/05/2007 17:58

Hayes - I think he would see them less as a new girlfriend wouldnt want him spending his 2-4 weeks annual holiday with his children, so they will get put on the back burner.
We will see..
I have delusional visons of us still doing things together, in the early days if not forever, theres no reason not to. We dont hate each other, but Im not sure how much I will like him if he does up and walk away like hes proposing too

OP posts:
ellenkpa · 21/05/2007 17:58

I live 15mins from XP, I decided that I would never move so far away that it stopped him seeing ds as often as he does (usually twice a week), but it would be different if he chose to move away.

ammy1 · 21/05/2007 18:00

reading all these makes me realize that i am not alone in that, try as i might, my ex doesn't show very little interest in dd... but then if he was a lovely guy i guess i would still be with him.

message for brightwell:
tell him you are fed up of him not being clear about the return time and tell him you won't be home before 6.30 for example. then stay out until then. he'll get the message before too long, kids won't be happy if they get home and you're not there, but it'll be his fault... you need to set the rule or he will constantly mess you around. same for summer hols etc.

ellenkpa · 21/05/2007 18:01

charliecat
"I have delusional visons of us still doing things together, in the early days if not forever, theres no reason not to"

not delusional at all, when i split with xp we continued taking ds out together at weekends, and still did up until i moved in with someone else last year, even now we still go to the social club together after i take ds to watch daddy play football

Aimsmum · 21/05/2007 18:01

Message withdrawn

Aimsmum · 21/05/2007 18:03

Message withdrawn

hayes · 21/05/2007 18:08

in the early days we did things with the children together but it didn't last very long at all, was nice while it lasted though!

with a bit of luck he will hook up with a nice lady who also has children, then she will understand the need for him to see his kids (fingers crossed for you)

juicychops · 21/05/2007 18:29

ex
lives about 5 mins walk away from me and ds but hasn't seen ds for over a year

he is the biggest waste of human life i have ever known im my life. His mum comes a close second

madamez · 21/05/2007 19:50

SOrry all, meant to add suggestions instead of just outlining how things are working ok for me . Try to keep in civil communication with XPs, especially if you are separated because one of you got tired of the couple situation/met someone else. It's obviously a lot different if the split is because the absent parent is/was violent or an out-of-control addict.
If an XP just isn't prepared to make any time for DCs despite all your efforts, then try to put together the most diplomatic fiction possible for the DCs, let them see photos etc, try not to poison them against the XP no matter what (as they will see for themselves in time what he/she is like).

It is possible to be on civil terms with XPs for the kids' sake, no matter how bad one feels in the immediate aftermath of a split, and time does help.

MrsWho · 21/05/2007 20:07

My xh is about 30mins drive away (though he doesn't) but he works about 5 mins away.He visits a couple of nights after work but if he is off he doesn't come at all.

PersonalClown · 21/05/2007 20:12

I don't have a farking clue where XP lives and ds hasn't seen him since he was 18 months old. He turned 5 in March.
Couldn't care less actually. Makes my life easier as ds is autistic and would probably meltdown at the confusion.

pirategirl · 22/05/2007 18:09

ex lives about 40 mins away, sees daughter 5, every other weekend. well unless he has something more important to do, like get stoned.
Hasnt rung for about a month, i get a text with about one hour warning that he's agreeing to 'his' weekend.

nightowl · 22/05/2007 19:43

both my exps live a 10 minute drive away.

dd's dad. nope. never seen her.

ds's dad. not for two months and hopefully never again. prior to that, when he wasn't busy shagging a new gf. and i dont for ONE minute blame the gfs, i got on very well with one of them, we all used to have dinner together etc. its not the gfs, its HIM! that particular gf was the one who wanted to spend time with out son, he couldn't have given a shit!

NuttyMuffins · 22/05/2007 19:45

At the mo he lives about 30 minutes away by bus and sees them roughly once a fortnight.

He might be moving 2 min walk away though, and reckons he will then see them all the time

lou33 · 22/05/2007 19:53

ooh nutty is that good or bad?

mine has given me some breathing space and wont be back til july now he reckons, but i cant bear the thought of him anywhere near me

WideWebWitch · 22/05/2007 19:56

My ex is in London, we're home counties, it's not that far as the crow flies, about an hour ish+ as a drive. He's seen ds every other weekend (and lots of other times) for the 7 years we've been apart. Even when it involved round trips of hundreds of miles, when we were in Devon and he was in London we used to meet half way, in Bristol.

He's here now reading ds a story, having collected him from school, which atm he does twice a week.