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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

What should I do about access to my newborn?

30 replies

alisaaa · 21/04/2018 23:41

My baby is 11 weeks old today , baby boy! I’m so in love and have done everything myself up until now. And 6 weeks old and after a lot of hard work I tracked down DS’s father who chose to ignore and block me from all contact with him when I told him I was pregnant at 3/4 weeks. I had an extremely stressful pregnancy due to the fact I fell pregnant while on Roaccutane ( this is a story within itself). So never the less he came into my sons life at 6 weeks and I was happy to let his absence be forgotten about as he fell in love with DS immediately. I have offered him 4 hours twice a week for now and I seem to think that is reasonable ? To mention this was a one night stand so I know him from Adam and think this is more than enough unsupervised with a small baby . He is not on the birth certificate . He is demanding access when he likes and says he will be getting overnight access soon. I feel broken , I feel so uncomfortable with his attitude and scared he will take my baby off me . Is my access reasonable just now ? Would a judge see it reasonable ? How easy would it be for him to take me to court and get parental rights and name on birth certificate ? And if he did manage this what rights would he get and what would a judge most likely give to him ? Also can he change DS’s surname from mine to his or get a judge to do that? I appreciate all your answers and help . I’m 22 and feel like I’m hitting a brick wall with everything right now .

OP posts:

Godotsarrived · 21/04/2018 23:47

He is not on the birth certificate so has no parental rights. Your baby, your rules. He has no rights. Congratulations on your baby boy

Original poster

alisaaa · 21/04/2018 23:50

Thankyou but he could easily take me to court and change all of the couldn’t he ?

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 22/04/2018 09:03

Yes, if he proves he is the father he can have his name put on the birth certificate and get parental rights. However it’s unlikely he would get overnight contact with a new born.

SparklyMagpie · 22/04/2018 09:06

I doubt he'd get access to overnights with your baby OP
Do you feel he could be bothered to take it to court?
He can't change your DS's surname and he has no rights whilst he's not on the birth certificate

Sorry you're having to put up with this, you should be enjoying your time with your newborn, not having to worry letting this tool frighten you

Starlight2345 · 22/04/2018 10:28

He currently has no rights . However if he took you to court he can easily get added to birth certificate and get pr. He would not get surname changed.

Is he threatening these things .

Have you claimed csa . Are you breastfeeding? I am guessing not as 4 hours is a long time away .

I would be aware do not offer more than you are comfortable . It is harder to go back than offer more if that makes sense.

Antislut · 22/04/2018 10:31

What has he said about access whenever he likes and overnights? How did you get to be having that conversation? Was it over text? Has there been a breakdown in communication?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 10:32

Is he supporting him financially? He would have to pay to take you to court and him pay for dna tests and a solicitor etc. If he isn't paying now he won't pay for the legal route imo.He can't change your baby's name in any circumstances. Don't feel bullied. See a solicitor for a free 30 min appointment to put your mind at rest. Keep a diary of when /where he sees the baby. And any nasty messages etc keep them also.

Steeley113 · 22/04/2018 10:38

If he is seeing the baby, paying his way and generally being a good Dad overall, I can’t see why you’d want to limit access? I’d just say you don’t feel ready for overnights but eventually you’ll have to allow him. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you have a child with someone you don’t know. I’m not being judgemental as it is one of those things but they are all things to consider. I’d get him put on the birth certificate too, he is the baby’s father afterall.

Starlight2345 · 22/04/2018 10:45

Steeley the baby is 11 weeks old.

At this point I would not add him . He then if takes baby she doesn’t have the right for him to be returned this is a man she barely knows so it wouldn’t be a never for me but not at this stage.

Flutist · 22/04/2018 11:11

If he's a stranger I wouldn't have told him I had a baby. He could be violent, a pervert, run off with the baby or anything. At this point I'd suggest cutting contact and making him take you to court. His suitability as a parent and any past convictions will be investigated, and he will be given specified contact hours which will stop him making unreasonable demands, plus he will have to pay maintenance.

Original poster

alisaaa · 22/04/2018 11:19

Thanks for all of your comments I really appreciate them . To be fair he is a good dad of what I can tell from this point . The only reason I’m not offering more access is because it’s not fair on baby . I’m only breastfeeding from 6pm until 9 am as I didn’t want this to upset father or push him out of access. His mum and him are coming up to my house to talk with me today , probably bombared me with more access wanted but I really don’t know what to say or do ? What do yous suggest for the time being ? I don’t want it to go to court i would rather it was kept friendly . I do have a solicitor app on Wednesday to find out my rights . My head is all over the pace I’m hoping it can be resolved for the wee guys sake x

OP posts:

Aprilmightbemynewname · 22/04/2018 11:24

Most people want friendly, but you should be prepared (ie see a solicitor for advice and guidance on what to say this requests) for it to get nasty.
Unfortunately likely his dm will be speaking for him and only you will know how that will go after their visit. Don't allow yourself to be bullied in your own home. Ask them to leave if necessary. Stand up for yourself and your dc!! Big girl pants needed now you are a parent op!!

crimsonlake · 22/04/2018 11:26

I would be out when they turned up. You do not have to talk to them until you are ready, sounds as if they are bombarding you.

Flutist · 22/04/2018 11:30

Sorry but it's ridiculous if you feel you can only breastfeed your baby at night due to the father wanting access during the day and being "upset" about you breastfeeding! There's no reason why the father couldn't take a bottle of expressed breast milk during his contact hours. You don't want to be unfair to the baby but isnt it unfair to him if his mother can only feed him at night?

You say you want to keep it friendly, but they you say he and his mum are coming to bombard you for more access. They aren't being friendly! Imo the only way to stop them bombarding you is to go to court and let the judge specify the contact hours.

Steeley113 · 22/04/2018 11:31

Can’t you have a flexible agreement for access? So alongside the agreement you have, he can pop and see DC whenever. If he wants to take DC park for an hour or to visit a relative he is able. As well as him being able to have him if you have appointments etc. Co-parenting works much better this way I find, especially as he is giving you no reason to deny it. He wants to see and bond with his baby. It’s reasonable request.

pecannutbutter · 22/04/2018 11:48

Increase the breastfeeding TODAY. That reasoning of only breast feeding at certain is silly and isn't in the best interests of your baby.

GreenTulips · 22/04/2018 11:54

I can’t see why you’d want to limit access?

To make arrangements that suit?

Why would you want a stranger to rock up and demand to see the baby when ever they felt like it with no reguard to your plans?

Start as you mean to go on

I think twice a week is ok to start and build a relationship

Do not answer to door! Do not agree to anything with his mother.

Wait to see a solicitor about his access and rights etc

Scabetty · 22/04/2018 11:55

I agree, increase breastfeeding and express when father has access.

Scabetty · 22/04/2018 11:58

I would tell them that in order to agree to more access you need time to think it all through due to breastfeeding. Don’t agree to anything today. Ince you have seen solicitor you are in a better position to discuss. Don’t mention a solicitor in case that freaks them out.

balljuggla · 22/04/2018 11:59

What sort of man brings his mum to have a conversation like this?! It sounds like they want to put pressure on you, so can you cancel or go out so you're not there to let them in?

hairymorag · 22/04/2018 12:04

Don't you have your own family that can support you in dealing with them? I wouldn't tolerate his DM and him coming to your house. Sounds like they are going to try and bully you. This is an issue between you and him.

JessyJames · 22/04/2018 12:06

Do you have someone who can be with you when they come today?
Always a good idea to have someone with you for moral support.

NiceViper · 22/04/2018 12:16

I realise this is just my reading, but what I took from your opening post is that you are catastrophsing about a rather flaky man, who can't even commit to a reasonably regular schedule of contact. What he seems to want is to just drift in and out when he feels like it, rather than actually committing to being a regular presence (which would increase to overnights idc).

Yes he could apply for a court order for parental responsibility (not 'rights') and that would probably be granted. He cannot change the baby's name without consent of all holders of PR, and if you cannot agree a court would have to rule on that as a specific issue (and they rarely make changes anyhow and I think it's terribly unlikely they'd switch it away from the name of the parent with whom the DC normally resides.

For the time being, you need to point out that a BF baby cannot be away from the one with the boobs for very long, and suggest more frequent 2-hour visits, but still on a schedule. He doesn't get to keep you wondering when he'll turn up

Starlight2345 · 22/04/2018 12:40

You need to stop bending for him . Breastfeeding is best for the baby . If you want to mix feed or bottle feed that would be your choice but to do it for him is redicilous

Eggzandbacon · 22/04/2018 12:43

100% would increase BF if it suits you.
I would set visitation times and keep good records of whether he comes or not/ is late.
Is he paying you money for the baby, if he is I would also keep records if this is happening or not.

For a baby I don’t see why they should ever be away from you if it doesn’t suit you. Especially overnight if you are BF.

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