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Original poster

What should I do about access to my newborn?

30 replies

alisaaa · 21/04/2018 23:41

My baby is 11 weeks old today , baby boy! I’m so in love and have done everything myself up until now. And 6 weeks old and after a lot of hard work I tracked down DS’s father who chose to ignore and block me from all contact with him when I told him I was pregnant at 3/4 weeks. I had an extremely stressful pregnancy due to the fact I fell pregnant while on Roaccutane ( this is a story within itself). So never the less he came into my sons life at 6 weeks and I was happy to let his absence be forgotten about as he fell in love with DS immediately. I have offered him 4 hours twice a week for now and I seem to think that is reasonable ? To mention this was a one night stand so I know him from Adam and think this is more than enough unsupervised with a small baby . He is not on the birth certificate . He is demanding access when he likes and says he will be getting overnight access soon. I feel broken , I feel so uncomfortable with his attitude and scared he will take my baby off me . Is my access reasonable just now ? Would a judge see it reasonable ? How easy would it be for him to take me to court and get parental rights and name on birth certificate ? And if he did manage this what rights would he get and what would a judge most likely give to him ? Also can he change DS’s surname from mine to his or get a judge to do that? I appreciate all your answers and help . I’m 22 and feel like I’m hitting a brick wall with everything right now .

OP posts:
Starlight2345 · 22/04/2018 12:44

Do you have anyone who can be there for you this afternoon otherwise cancel .

You are vulnerable at the moment you need someone on your side .

When we have a newborn we naturally want everything to be lovely . He might turn out to be a great dad but part of that is supporting you not bullying.

I agree with Pp up the breastfeeding today

neonyellowshoes · 22/04/2018 13:02

The priority as I'm sure you'll agree, is the health and happiness of the baby. Dad has to fit round that- just as you do having done all the work up and till now.

Do you have anyone who can come round so you're not outnumbered today?

He has no rights at the moment- none. What access he gets is on your say so and done for the good of the baby. I wouldn't leave a baby that young with someone I didn't know- even it was the father.

I'd allow supervised visits only and I would also breastfeed during the day.

This isn't about the Dad or even you, it's about the baby. The best for the baby is to stay with you and be breastfed.

I hate all this fathers rights v mothers rights crap. It's irrelevant- only the baby's rights count.

boho2u · 22/04/2018 13:11

I would start breastfeeding in the day if you're happy to. It's much better for you and the baby and it will keep your milk supply going in the long term.

Patent fit around babies, that's just how it is. Their needs come first. Any dad who is put out by this is a dick.

Overnight contact will be way off, esp if breastfed but regular, short contact will help build a bond.

Bobby1233 · 24/04/2018 10:16

If, hypothetically, he had the child full time and treated the child like a possession, "allowed" you to only see your child for four hours twice a week, how would you feel? seriously?
You have no rights, you only have responsibility, and if there is even the smallest chance that baby will grow up with two loving, equal parents then its your responsibility to make that happen.
Almost every answer here is the best way to end in court where the decision and "power" will be taken out of your hands. [and his]
Meet with him and his mum, welcome them, talk about the plans for the future, be joyful. Dont "offer" him anything other than help and advice in caring for his child. Suggest lots of involvement, ask for support, diffuse the whole situation and stay out of court.

TheHumanMothboy · 24/04/2018 10:31

Bobby, the situations don't even compare, because he wasn't the one that was blocked and ignored from 3 weeks pregnant, he isn't the one that has grown a baby, nurtured a baby, given birth to a baby, and cared for a baby 24/7 since then!

He isn't on the birth certificate, so he doesn't have "rights" yet. He can pursue through the legal process, DNA testing etc if he wanted to, but will he seriously do that?
What kind of father is upset at a baby being breastfed, when it's acknowledged that that is actually the best for infants?
He's probably in shock, and not sure what he wants really.
OP, try and keep channels of communication open with him, but you do not have to accept visits from his relatives, or any hassle from them. They may be completely lovely, btw, and just desparate to get him to take responsibility and grow up a bit! But they need to do it on your terms, in a way you're comfortable with, because you're still vulnerable after the birth and an unsupported pregnancy.
I personally think 4 hours is too long a time period for a newborn to be away from their mum ideally. Would he switch to 4 X two hours instead?

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