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Original poster

Is there any point in me telling xp that.....................

27 replies

NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 16:06

I have just had to practically carry Ds all the way home whilst he sobbed 'i want my daddy'

why can he not see what he is doing to them ?

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 10/05/2007 16:08

oh poor ds.

whats xp done now??
is he still being an arse?

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 16:11

Ds was tired, and wet and miserable, so wether it was that or actually that he did want his dad I don't know, but even so, he sobbed so hard he was shaking.

Xp is now spending most of his time back up in Derbyshire with his sister and the rest of his evil family. I think he only comes back to sign on, so doesn't see the kids at all at the mo.

I don't mind if he lives up there, but why can he still not make a regular contact arrangement whereby his kids know each week that on such and such a day they will see there dad and he will take them out, instead of sitting on my sofa drinking tea and watching tv.

OP posts:
Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 16:39

And dd has just now asked me when he is coming again....and I don't know the bloody answer.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 10/05/2007 16:42

What an arse!

I don't get how some men can behave like this, I couldn't go without seeing my kids!

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 16:43

Me either lovemygirls, I just so do not get it. Every reason he gives is an excuse.

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LoveMyGirls · 10/05/2007 17:02

My dd1 hasnt seen her bio dad since she was 3 mths old - we split up and he was being an arse i said you either see her or you dont, dont fuck me about. He fucked me about so i said he wasn't seeing her, i got a court order and moved away and changed her name - shes 7.

Can you threaten him with any of this, would he care?

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 17:08

Tbh I am getting to the point where I say no more, either see them or not cos this messing about is just driving them and me nuts.

Thing is, I don't want to be the one that says he can't see them as it will get thrown back in my face.

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 10/05/2007 17:15

I happily took that choice, this is one thing only you can decide.

I decided him messing my dd about and not being a good influence anyway was worth the risk of her growing up not knowing him. But she was only a baby and didnt know him, she didnt tug at my heart strings by talking about him/ asking for him, she knows he's out there now but has never asked to see him, she has a new daddy now one that treats her how she deserves and never messes her about. I know when she's a teenager i'm sure i'll get screamed at, how i never gave her the chance to know him but in her 20's she will thank me for that if she ever does meet him. I'm hoping by the time she wants contact - if she wants contact I will have brought her up well enough to know she can do better than turning out like that waste of space.

I didn't choose him to be her dad I was only 16, 17 when i told him to get lost, i don't regret it.

LoveMyGirls · 10/05/2007 17:18

And it's not like you are telling him no without a choice is it? He has the option like my ex did of taking me to court for access or just doing the decent thing and turning up on time and actually caring about his kids and their feelings if he chooses not to do that then it's not your fault. If you allow him to carry on like this you are allowing him to carry on hurting/ upsetting them, everytime he doesnt turn up and they feel let down, angry rejected etc thats his own fault and all you are doing by stopping that is putting an end to them being hurt time after time. IMO. Every mother does what is best for their children, its what we do, no matter if we get the blame/ credit later.

squidette · 10/05/2007 17:22

Nutty, i am sorry that you are

My children see their dad a lot 2/3 times a week and they still cry for him sometimes. Its normal and natural to miss a parent, regardless of the last time you saw them or for how long, especially when they are really little.

I know they cry for me when they are with him, but there is nothing i can do about that and i would think that my ex was being a complete poo if he called me and told me.

I soothe my children by validating their feelings - telling them its ok to want their dad. Its part of loving someone and then we can talk about the nice parts of loving people too. I dont know your story, but for me, it really helped to seperate how i felt about my ex to how my children told me they felt. Does that make sense?

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 17:37

Oh I just don't know anymore, I knew he would be a crap at being an absent parent, but not this crap.

I do let the kids talk about their dad when ever they like, and I don't bad mouth him in front of them, but how long can I carry on pretending to them that he gives a toss when he obviously doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 10/05/2007 17:38

I did text him to tell him that Ds was upset and haven't heard a thing. He is at his sisters so cannot use the excuse that he had no change for the phone.....he just doesn't care.

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allgonebellyup · 12/05/2007 07:27

Dont mean to rock the boat here, but as a newly single mum here i have to ask , why have children with these awful men in the first place???
both my childrens dads worship their children and arrive every weekend without fail to see them and phone lots during the week, and also provide financially every month.
i wouldnt have had children with them if i didnt think/know they would be great fathers( even though our love as a couple has died).

benbenandme · 12/05/2007 09:13

allgonebellyup - I can't speak for the others here but in my case I truly believed my partner would be the best dad in the world ... I couldn't have been any happier I really couldn't, but then he came home from work one day and announced he didn't love me / hadn't loved me when I was pregnant or since ds was born ... wanted his freedom back etc and moved in with new girlfriend within a week. This was 3 days before ds 2nd birthday. Even his own mother says she can't believe how much he's changed. I let him see ds as much as he wants but he only has him once a week (as in his own words "he has too many other things he wants to do"), he never phones him etc. I do believe he loves him but don't think he is mature enough to deal with the responsibility of a child so legged it. I'll never forgive him for what he's done to me and ds ... we had talked for hours before deciding to try for a baby so its not like he didn't know what he was doing. He pays me the minimum csa amount he has to as him and his gf are saving for a house and enjoying foreign holidays etc. He tells me I'm a crap mother and don't desere a penny of his money ... he doesn't get that its not for me, its for his son!!!
I still can't belive the person I knew can behave the way he does.

neva · 12/05/2007 09:40

Many otherwise sensible women do have children with men who turn out to be poor dads. I think there is maybe a biological imperative that blinds us to the obvious - which is probably a good thing for the continuation of the human race!! And even when the dad lets us and the children down badly, I think very few of us regret our decision to have babies... In spite of the problems, they are the treasures of our lives, and we tend to cope brilliantly well even in the absence of a good dad!

spook · 12/05/2007 10:03

allgonebellyup-I don't think for a second that the majority of single mums had their children with a man whom they thought would turn out to be a shit father.
I for one married who I believed to be my soul mate and would live happily ever after and when we had our DS's it was the icing on the cake.
But-people change, maybe they weren't all that in the first place, but I don't think many people make a conscious decision to have children with unreliable men!
And don't forget-especially in Lovemygirls case-some people are very young or get pregnant by accident.
I'm sorry your relationship broke down and very glad your DC's have wonderful dads, but some people just don't hit that lucky.

allgonebellyup · 12/05/2007 10:54

But nobody gets pregnant by accident?
Surely you have to have sex??

Creole · 12/05/2007 13:35

What are you on about??

Some of us were married for years to these unreliable men.

Some men behave like this because they wnat to punish you. In my case, my ex husband got angry because I went through the CSA (he only wanted to pay me £40 a month). As a result he has cut contact completely.

And yes you have sex with them because you are in a relationship. You have no idea he will be unreliable.

So please don't judge!

edam · 12/05/2007 13:41

Nutty, would you feel up to giving xp an ultimatum - either he sticks to a regular time and date or he pisses off out of their lives?

I can understand how hurt they are by his unreliability, as the child of divorced parents.

GiantSquirrelSpotter · 12/05/2007 13:50

What is it about women who blame other women for men's behaviour ("you shouldn't have had kids with him then") rather than the men themselves?

The latent mysogyny of such remarks always astounds (and enrages) me.

Allgonebellyup when you've been a LP for a bit longer and your ex has found a new girlfriend and had a new family and therefore decides that he can't support his old family quite as generously as he used to, then come back and talk about how nothing's changed vis a vis his fatherhood priorities.

lou33 · 12/05/2007 14:00

deja vu nutty

i overheard my youngest say to his borther, that he didnt remember what his dad looked like anymore

Original poster
NuttyMuffins · 15/05/2007 16:19

Allgonebellyup - Sorry but what a ridiculous thing to sxay. If my xp had been like this when I met him then obviously I would never have had kids with him. Obviously when i met him he was a hard working decent person, he changed, it happens.

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sheepgomeep · 16/05/2007 00:20

allgonebellyup...I think you are very naive.

My ex was alovely fella, we were together ten years, we went to uni together, we bought a house together, had two lovely kids together, he was a fantastic father and great to me.

There was no inkling at all about what he was going to do. Out of the blue he decided he'd had enough and ran off with a 16 year old schoolgirl. He was 27 and so was I.

Almost overnight he turned into an arrogant shite, who refused to pay for his kids, stopped paying the mortgage, leaving me to struggle on and work part time He eventually forced me to sell the house, leaving me and the kids homeless.
He went from seeing the kids everyday when we split up, then every weekend, then got kicked out of his mums, shacked up with his bitch and then decided his relationship was too important and rarely saw the kids and certainly didn't pay for them

Aren't you wonderfully lucky to habe an ex that sees his kids so regularly blah blah. You are a new single parent, just wait until your ex has a new relationship or another child by that person. Hopefully he will still be a good dad but you just never know.

Please don't judge.

allgonebellyup · 16/05/2007 12:27

i didnt mean to judge..

but both my exes do have new partners and the 1st ex has more kids, we split 7 yrs ago and he has a whole new life but would never dream of dumping his dd or not paying for her. If anything i feel his gf thinks he doesnt devote enought time to her.

sheepgomeep · 16/05/2007 20:33

ok

I just think you've been very lucky with your exes and a lot of women have no way of knowing that thier dp's turn into wankers when they split, it's not a case of keeping your legs together.