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Lone parents

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Original poster

He just wont move on.

27 replies

HowamIgoingtocope · 29/03/2018 07:59

My ex has just blurted out after 7 years separation and seeing the kids every other weekend that he wants 50/50.
The kids are settled in the routine and have evening activities that he has refused to take them too. He also lives 8 miles away and everything they do is near me.
Our son doent cope well with change and in worried about that for him.
He blurted this out when he had lost two of the arguments he went in mediation for right before he brought a list of about 30 things he doesnt like about me.
He has to have some form.of control. The only reason we are doing mediation is the bullying letters from his solicitor didnt make me so his demands.
In at my wits end now. This controlling has to stop.

OP posts:
Wetwashing00 · 29/03/2018 09:01

I’ve experienced almost the same thing with my ex. He was controlling during the relationship and he has tried to control the contact throughout the 8 years we have been apart.
I’ve only given in when it hasn’t caused too much upset, now we live 15 miles away, he has our DD EOW with no extra time during half term. That has been his choice, I offer extra time but he refuses.
Stand your ground, just stick to the routine you currently have and ignore his requests.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 29/03/2018 10:33

Im going to do that. I have plenty why it won't work. My boy doesn't do change well . I may do one session of mediation more but that will be in months to come. Let's see what he actually does to step up. Apart from missing g parents evening yesterday ita not looking good.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 29/03/2018 13:44

To play devils advocate.... why shouldn’t the father have the kids 50:50? Why should you get them more? They are equally his kids. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if he dictated contact and told you you couldn’t see your kids more? Contact is for the kids, not for the adults.

HappyFeet1212 · 29/03/2018 13:51

I agree with NorthernSpirit. 50:50 should be the norm. Nothing you've mentioned says that he should be excluded from sharing them 50:50.

Starlight2345 · 29/03/2018 14:36

How old are the children ? Are they wanting more contact ?
I think I would be asking if he is prepared to continue activities for the children ?
I think the control issues often often about reducing maintenance . Not actually seeing the children more .

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 29/03/2018 15:27
  1. He's never asked for extra contact in 7 years. The door has always been open as ive sent him the childminders holidays and invited him to have more time with them. I have done this every bank holiday. On the snow days I was told he wouldn't be collecting them early as he had to work.
  2. I didn't set the co tact arrangement he did. I would have liked the children to have every weekend with him but he refused and said they needed time with me.
  3. He has threatened thrpugh his solicitor 4 times to take the children off me. At no point have ss ever been involved .
  4. He takes no interest in the children's extra activities.

Unfortunatly none of you know my ex. He lives to wind me up. The children are balanced and my son doesn't cope well with change.
Their other activities he has always refused to take them to. Im not having the children suffering because he wants to get back at me for buying the house.
There will be plenty of control issues here. He no longer has control. So 50 50 means he maintains his control over me for a little longer.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 29/03/2018 15:32

50-50 might work in some cases but not where he hasn't wanted it for the past 7 years and the kids have an established routine. Why should he get to completely disrupt their lives now? It should be about what is best for the children, not his 'rights' as a father.

Wetwashing00 · 30/03/2018 00:12

The OP has stated the reasons why she doesn’t think he should get 50:50 contact. It’s not for the kids best interests, purely for selfish/controlling reasons. And probably so he can pay less maintenance

Wetwashing00 · 30/03/2018 00:16

Refusing to take them to their activities is selfish and if he can’t make arrangements because of Work on a snow day how would he do it if it was 50:50? Doesn’t make sense.

seabase · 30/03/2018 00:32

50:50 would be my preferred choice as each parent has a right to family life ... good old human rights ... believe it's article 8. Hope your argument is watertight to inflict your rights over another.

Wetwashing00 · 30/03/2018 01:08

It would be my preferred choice too, but my ex hasn’t ever cut her toenails, nit combed her hair or taken her to a birthday party.
Only turned up to a handful of parents evenings, refuses to have her extra times during the holidays unless it’s on his terms. And made her wear shoes (that he bought) too small for a whole week coz he needed his money for a stag do.
Don’t think he has a right to 50:50, he’s not capable

Starlight2345 · 30/03/2018 09:48

50/50 only really works if 2 parents can co parent .
Everything you have suggests it is not about the children, it is about wanting control or reducing maintenance.
I asked how old children were as depends on age whether court would listen to their opinion.
Why do you think now ?
I think when people put 50/50 they are thinking of 2 parents who want to spend time with their kids. Unfortunately this isn’t the case in many situations .
My ex had no interest in my son contact was about control . When I stopped encouraging him to see Ds, stopped showing any reaction to his behaviour he lost interest in contact. People are coloured by their own experience . It is in a bizarre way great they don’t understand a parent who doesn’t put their kids needs first

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 30/03/2018 17:38

He does parries but the last one discouraged my daughter . He has even attempted to emotionally intimidate my daughter from going to brownies. My children are stable now. He can't turn up for a councilling appointment wirh my son because he put his gf first. This isn't about money with me it's about the fact the kids have a routine in place. They see grand parents etc. He still moans collecting thwm 4 times a month how will he cope with 10. He cancelled at least 5 weekends a year. 7 years down the line he wants to disrupt the children because of his bruised ego. My daughter missed every other week of rainbows as he said she would get home too late. On a Friday!! Evwn if I was paying. No matter how much he spins this it's about him gaining control over me once more.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 30/03/2018 17:50

Inflict my rights on another? How about he think about the rights of his children rather than his bruised ego. If he had wanted 50 50 his solicitor should have mentioned this in the 4 letters he sent. Rather than saying going for residency was something he considered . I have plenty. I am not having the children disrupted because he doesnt like the fact i say no to him.

OP posts:
justdontknow45 · 31/03/2018 22:04

He will never get it,
Op, my ex hasn't been to one parents evening, tried once to be at my 5 minute slot. School said no and put me under a fake name in School time slot sheet just incase, he was stalking me never showed up wanted to frighten me not see how well his dc doing. 7 years to long to suddenly stand up and decides he wants more, he might get EOW, you could contest even that with the information you said. That's a standard sort of arrangement ( I think, my ex is a grade A idiot so mines changed every few month when he's acted like a dickhead )

Is this arrangement court ordered in holidays?

My ex started off shared care. Bullied me into it as I was frightened in court. 1 Dc not seen him in 3 years, other getting fed up of him. Couldn't give a shit about DC, or court orders for that matter but hey that's another thread on it's own Hmm

smackbangwhollop · 01/04/2018 09:45

For other to suggest 50-50 here is clearly wrong in this situation and maybe based on their own experiences. With all the information you've supplied here (and I'm sure that's just the tip of the iceberg), 50-50 will not work here. For a start he does not sound reasonable, reliable or does he have his children's best intrest at heart. This he has shown again and again.

After 7 years of you doing all the ground work and laying good strong foundations in your children, he suddenly wants to have them 50% of the time, now they're older.

What exactly does he think that will entail, how does he think that will work for all of them in a practical way. I would question if he's actually even thought about it. He sound selfish and toxic, he will slowly poisen your children's minds with his own negative thoughts about you the more contact he has. Who in their right mind after 7 years brings a list of 30 things they dislike about their ex partner! 30.... not five not 10 but 30. That in itself says a lot.

You know him, we don't. Trust your gut. I know what mine is saying based on what you've told us. My ex is totally reasonable and we discuss EVERYTHING. The children are always pit first and what is right for them always, even if we have to sacrifice to make that happen. To have 50-50, you would need a similar mindset, not ulterior motives.

glenthebattleostrich · 01/04/2018 09:52

Neither parent has any rights here. They have a responsibility to the children.

The children have the right to a relationship with both parents. It's about what is best for them, and after 7 years they have a routine which works for them.

Fishface77 · 01/04/2018 09:56

How old are the kids op?
Are they of an age where their wishes would be taken into account?

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 02/04/2018 09:11

The children are 10 and 7. They have been in the same routine for 7 years. He doesn't discuss things with me. If i attempt to I get a barrage of email stating how bad a mum I am. The last was when he didn't go to the parents evening I sent a bed If update on how amaxing our kods were doing and the paper work I got. He sent me two pages and basically as usual said it was my fault the children had no confidence.
We both have responsibilities yes. Not once has he collected the children when Ill. Not once has he had them extra time and when I had to ask him to have his daughter as i had to go into work he stated I can have her till 12 and then she needs to be collected as im going away.
The children's lives are scheduled around him. For God's sake so is mine. Why after 7 years are you suddenly taking an interest. So much so not one of the 4 letters of bullying I had from his solicitor mentioned 50 50 . It did however mention taking the children off me.
The kids are not aware at all of any of this. I will do my up most to keep them out of the process as it would break my son if he knew any of what is going on. My daughter has only just bonded with her dad. He was 9 months when he left so she knows no different.
Something has happened this weekend as my boy is being strange. He's upset more. Along with being poorly it's been a hard few.days.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 02/04/2018 09:13

His motives are to punish me for fighting for the roof over our head. I bought it . He has no right to it. Due to an impending sale hes a little pissed off.

OP posts:
glenthebattleostrich · 02/04/2018 11:56

OP, you sound like a brilliant parent, I certainly didn't mean to suggest otherwise. It was more directed at their father and how he is failing in his responsibilities now so he wouldn't do 50% of the grunt work that goes with parenting.

From what you have written I'd certainly hope no court would entertain him. Keep all of his communication as evidence. Diarise everything, every late pickup and missed appointment.

And have you considered trying to find some counseling for yourself? I think an outlet for you would be helpful.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 02/04/2018 14:11

Im fine. I have an amazing freind who help me put things in perspective. I've made sure my children are as grounded as possible. They spend time with grandparents and have a childminder. Of course all of this is me not spending time with them according to him. Not the fact i have to work to keep a roof over the children's head. I admit I winge about not getting alot of free time . But you know what. Even when I hear mum 40 times before I've got up. I wouldn't change it for the world.

OP posts:
Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 02/04/2018 14:12

Plus i have every one of his essay emails about 400 in 7 years . Sigh hes just not normal.

OP posts:
colditz · 02/04/2018 14:19

My youngest went very odd a couple of years ago, turned out his dad had said "I'll take your mum to court so you can come and live with me"

The poor boy thought I was going to go to prison Sad

It's worth checking with some careful questions that their father hasn't been saying stuff like this, thinking he's clever.

Original poster
HowamIgoingtocope · 02/04/2018 14:49

He wouldn't put it in such words hes extremly good with language. But he won't open up to m. I have other ways. My poor kids don't need their lives turning upside down again.

OP posts: