Would you stop access ?

[Melly]

I posted a thread yesterday but sadly didn't get any replies dh and I nearly divorced, he is only paying about half of what he should for maintenance, refusing to answer emails texts etc. Am thinking of refusing to let him see the children until we resolve this, but can't decide whether this is a good idea or not. Unfortunately part of the divorce settlement was that the maintenance issue would be sorted between ourselves but he has now gone back on this and being really difficult. Tried contacting the Navy but going round in circles, seems like CSA is only option but having read some of the threads on here about them, doesn't fill me with confidence. I know if I stop access the children will miss out but I can't see any other way of getting through to him that I mean business. His net income is over four and half grand a month by the way, and I'm asking for £700.00. He has been having the kids two weekends a month only, no other times, no holidays etc.

No advice but bump for you.

I dont think you should stop access to the children. I have an ex-p and finances are very seperate from contact issues.

I think that if he is unwilling to talk about it with you then contact the CSA, despite all the hassle. I dont think you should bring it up infront of kids either, like when he collects them.

I do understand the frustration and feel for you. Is really hard when communication between you two isnt very good. I do think tho although you might feel like he doesnt deserve to see them that it really isnt a fair decision to make based on money. If however he was abusive and damaging kids I would fully support you

I am attached to a very similar situation at the moment. Tbh, you need to be very careful about refusing access, especially if there's a slim chance he may go for full custody. I'm not saying he'd get it, but you need to 'play the game' so to speak, to keep your side of it clean IUKWIM.
I do understand how difficult these things are to deal with

Agree with Awen you can't refuse access on the basis on maintenance issues. It's not the kids fault after all, and they would be the one's who suffered from it.
Imo access should only ever be refused when there is a danger of harm to the child/ren.
I would go to the CSA if you are not getting the maintenance you should be.

I hope you can work it out, have been there and know how much of a nightmare it is.

No dont stop the contact, it will hurt the kids and you in the long run.

If he were murdering drunk, that would be a different issue.

Just accept what you can get and let the authorities sort the rest.

not the childrens fault.

He refuses to collect the children. Expects me to drive a 50/60 mile round trip to drop off and collect. Last Friday when I met him, he totally ignored me, I drove home in floods of tears. Also found out that he has been bad mouthing me in front of the children, which I find unacceptable. I left him and it seems that he cannot separate his feelings of anger and bitterness towards me from doing the right thing by the children. Surely there's no way he would get custody is there?

melly- have you tried contacting the welfare for the navy (assuming it works the same as the army)?

Thanks for all the advice here. I do agree that the children should not suffer because of a money issue, I suppose there is so much stuff going on in my head, loads of advice from well meaning friends and family and it's hard to know what to do for the best. A compromise would be that he could see the children, but that he would have to collect them and bring them home, I wouldn't have a problem with that, but I think he would.

Munz, I have tried to get a number for Navy welfare but not having much luck. The establishment where he works were able to give me a number for Army welfare but not Navy. I tried the Army number but there is no answer at all.

Speccy, the divorce hasn't gone through yet, decree absolute can be applied for 10thMay (tomorrow) so I am not sure how long after that it is granted. The contact arrangements were that he has the children every other weekend and that the maintenance would be sorted between ourselves. Obviously I now bitterly regret that, but I did think he would be reasonable

Thanks speccy. I have rung my solicitor, just waiting for her to get back to me.

melly, where we are we have a hive centre which has the welfare team there, (even in our old small regt they had a welfare team so might be worht asking about) might be worth seeing if they will help you out directly. probably a better solution than CSA.

I would think if he is not doing as he said he would in the divorce that you would have some rights to make sure he does. Is there some reason he doesn't want the csa involved.

Call One Parent Families helpline as well.

They'll tell you the best way of getting this low-life to pay up.

How disgusting he is.

btw, think he's a cheeky fucker for expecting you to schlep the kids around for hisvisitation. If he wants them tell him he has to collect and drop off, or at least collect.

If he can't be arsed then how much does he really want to see them. Also the bad mouthing must stop. I hope you can put these things inyour divorce before it is finalised

agree with bom, melly the csa is the only way to go for the maintenance as you are obviously going to have continuous agro over money, defo dont finalise the divorce until poper arrangements regarding maintenance and access are sorted out, and your ex knows where you live so if he wants to see the children he can drive to come and get them.

I totally sympathise with you as I am going through the same. My ex is horrible to me or totally ignores me and bad mouths me in front of our DS. He tells our DS that I should not have a boyfriend - which I don't currently - because I should love only our DS whilst he sits there with his girlfriend of 4 years and his DD from that relationship!!! Good for the goose???

He allows him to do or watch inappropriate things but will not enter into any discussion about it. If I try to discuss anything he screams abuse or sends nasty emails so I fume in silence.

His GF is just as silly and my DS knows how much they both hate me. He ran up almost £20,000 worth of debt which despite him telling a court that he ran this up without my knowledge, I was found jointly liable - car loans and bank loans, house payments etc which we had both signed for originally - and he skipped out on most of it and left me to pay it all because I have a conscience. My solicitor has just told me that I would be advised to accept his current offer of settlement which will barely leave me debt free and give me nothing in my hand to make up for the years of struggling to pay off his debt and raise his son alone.

He has not paid maintenance for the last 4 years so I went to the CSA and was awarded a monthly amount from December 06 but have yet to see a penny. He never bothered with the 1st payment, bounced the next two and then when they told him they were taking 40% of his wages to cover some of the arrears he managed to negotiate a smaller amount and I still haven't had anything! I have to complete a 100 mile round trip to pick up DS when he visits his dad once a fortnight though he does collect him so I should be grateful it's not a 200 mile round trip!

I am hoping that he actually does pay the money he offered in settlement so that I can finally put this all behind me and get a divorce from him but will still remain sceptical until I see the money in my account.

I frequently think that our DS would be better off without this horrid influence from a man who cannot be bothered to spend much time with his DS and only does so for appearance sake and to annoy me but what can I do? I would likely make the situation worse if I stopped him because it would give him something to fight about and coould come back to haunt me later if our DS asks why I wouldn't let him see his dad.

I would not advise stopping access and just go through all the correct channels for maintenance. My mum says 'fight the battles you can win' and I would think that stopping access would only result in everyone losing.

In Scotland you can apply for your decree absolute 6 weeks and 1 day after your decree nisi has been granted.

Maybe your car would break down one w/e and you couldn't take them? would he come then?

Very briefly - I sympathise with you but don't stop the access. However, stop taking them to him. If he wants to see his children, he needs to make the effort to come and collect them AND return to you.
Contact and Maintenance are not linked and you need to be very careful how you handle things as a court will not like any connection between the two being made.

Don't let him upset you anymore. You are giving your children an opportunity to have a relaionship with their Father. If he can't be bothered to collect them etc then that is not your problem. Unfortunately you will be the one that has to explain to your children why their Father isn't there.

That's horrid for you purpleparrot, what a git. If you are not getting any money, then I certainly wouldn't fork out petrol money doing a 100 mile trip, let him either pay up or otherwise make him collect your ds. I suppose by saying I'm not stopping you seeing ds but you will have to collect and drop off, if he then chooses not to, then he will reveal his true colours. This is certainly true of my dh, I have left it at the moment that if he wishes to see the children he will have to collect them and drop them off. If he paid the correct amount of maintenance then I would be prepared to meet him halfway.

Melly - He is a git indeed. He picks DS up on a Friday and then I pick him up on the Sunday, unfortunately I have to do the 100 mile round trip because my ex would just refuse to bring DS back and then I would have a huge nightmare battle trying to get him back. I have had the start of this scenario before. I used to take DS and collect him and finally got sick of this and told ex he had to pick him up and bring him back himself so he picked him up but then never brought him back at the agreed time. I spent the whole sunday in a panic thinking the worst. I rang him repeatedly and sent numerous text messages all of which he ignored until it suited him. DS never even had his dinner when he came home! He obviously loved the fact that it put me in such a panic and I decided that I could not stand this happening again each fortnight so it is arranged that I pick him up at a set time from a set location for peace of mind. I wish it didn't have to be this way and that it was more pleasant for DS but I have done all I can to make it pleasant. I just hope when DS is older he appreciates the effort I went to and that I did all I can but his dad is who he is without me ever slurring him or influencing his decision.