Would you stop access ?

[Melly]

I posted a thread yesterday but sadly didn't get any replies dh and I nearly divorced, he is only paying about half of what he should for maintenance, refusing to answer emails texts etc. Am thinking of refusing to let him see the children until we resolve this, but can't decide whether this is a good idea or not. Unfortunately part of the divorce settlement was that the maintenance issue would be sorted between ourselves but he has now gone back on this and being really difficult. Tried contacting the Navy but going round in circles, seems like CSA is only option but having read some of the threads on here about them, doesn't fill me with confidence. I know if I stop access the children will miss out but I can't see any other way of getting through to him that I mean business. His net income is over four and half grand a month by the way, and I'm asking for £700.00. He has been having the kids two weekends a month only, no other times, no holidays etc.

I know exactly what you mean purpleparrot and you have my sympathies. Don't worry, I am sure your ds will realise soon enough what is going on, not sure how old he is, but certainly with my dc, they are 4 and nearly 6, they have already started saying some weekends that they want to stay with me. I just laugh and say, course you don't, mummy is grumpy etc but they say, bless them, we don't mind mummy, because we know you only have one pair of hands!

My DS is 8 and to begin with he hated going to visit his dad. he screamed, ran off, begged etc etc but eventually he was fine to go.

He does love his dad and his dads GF but even now he sometimes says he doesn't want to go and wants to stay with me. This weekend I am possibly going to cricket and lo desperately wants to come to this instead of going to his dad's.

When he is there he usually enjoys himself but the last visit was not a great one. his dad was out when I pick DS up and had been most of the afternoon and DS said he was not happy because his dad had not done anything with him all weekend. The GF took him to the cinema to see a film he really wanted to see but it was not his dad!

The only time he has not gone to his dad's on a scheduled visit turned into a huge argument. we had been visiting my family and had spent about 5 hours travelling on a train and bus to get home - in the days before I drove - and he was hot, feeling sickly, tired and wanted to go home to his bed. His dad was waiting at the bus station and lo clung onto me and cried saying he wanted to go with me. I told him he would have a good time with his dad but he refused so his dad said 'suit yourself' got in his car and drove off so we continued on home. His dad then sent really nasty text messages saying I was scum and lo ruled my life and was undisciplined and if I didn't start putting my foot down he would seek full custody to raise him properly. He said I should have forced him into the car!! well excuse me, there was me holding all of our luggage and LO clinging to me whilst crying and there was his dad and the GF standing there watching and listening to this. If they felt he had to be forced into the car then they could have managed this on their own quite capably but saying suit yourself and driving off lead me to believe they weren't that bothered about him not going. I don't think he should have been forced into the car but I think if they had been kinder and more sympathetic to him he may have gone with them. Just a smile and a hug might have made him feel better!

DS is not brave enough to say to his dad that he doesn't want to go and just asks me to do it for him but sadly I am a bigger coward and don't want to say this to his dad and risk his wrath and more legal battles.

Especially when my solicitor has just told me I may be divorced by 8th of June!! You don't need to wait for a decree nisi and absolute here in Scotland... that's England - the curse of being an Englishwoman in Scotland... I get confused about the laws!

I have to accept a far lower settlement which does not cover everything I have had to pay over the years but still, it will all be over which has to be the most important thing for me and DS.

If Ds told his dad I would back him to the hilt because it's not me being vicious and refusing access but maybe I need to be grow a backbone there.

I sincerely hope you get your situation sorted out.

Thanks purpleparrot. You sound like a very strong person to me, so don't put yourself down, that's the bloody trouble with some men, they brainwash you and unfortunately it takes a while to get back to the person you were before they came on the scene.

An update on my situation, I sent an email to dh yesterday evening, really last ditch attempt to get him to see reason. I said that if he didn't respond by this evening that my solicitor had suggested I proceed with claiming the correct maintenance through the CSA. My solicitor, like many on here, has strongly advised me not to stop access. I suppose I just have to bide my time and let the authorities to their bit and he will reveal his true colours if and when he wants to see his children. Decree absolute being applied for today so will be divorced very soon. Thought I would be cracking open the champagne but I feel like I have failed myself and my children

sometimes i wonder the same thing - my ex is an alcoholic, completely unreliable and i used to do a fifty mile round journey to drop the kids off at his. i get no maintenance as he isn't working. he's now moved nearer to us, but i'm still picking up kids on days when he is scheduled to have them and going out of my way to drop them off etc.

have you thought about restricting his access rather than stopping it? if you have a family mediation centre nearby they can offer supervised contact rather than you having to do all the running etc.

i think i bend over backwarsd to make sure my kids see their dad because my parents diovorced when i was five and i didn't see my dad again. after both my parents died i found out that my mother had ceased all contact with him because he had had affairs before they divorced. really, i don't blame her, i love my mum who struggled to bring me up without any help and I don't regret not having contact with my dd at all, i just didn't want that for my children.

sorry. melly. meant to say - you're NOT failing your children or yourself - stay strong! I'll raise a glass of wine on your behalf tonight when kids are in bed!

Thanks persephonesnape, I will have a glass too Dh did answer my email stated that he intended to increase my maintenance but it would still be £300 short of what he should pay and £200 short of what I have asked him for. He obviously still really resents the fact that I left him and this is his way of punishing me. He said loads of other stuff which I won't bore everyone with. I emailed right back, and considering how difficult he is being, I thought my response was calm, reasonable and I even apologised if my previous emails came across as threatening i,e regarding going to the CSA. I am waiting for him to come back to me, but whether he will remains to be seen. He did say that obviously if I wished to go through the CSA that was my right, but having sought advice, he now knows where he stands about this. He does have a very good, I suppose, solicitor so I'm unsure whether there are any other factors the CSA take into consideration when looking at claims. From what I gather it is the father's net income and no. of nights that they base their calcultations on, not how much the mother has to live on each month, how much mortgate etc etc she is paying. I may be wrong? Can anyone put me right on that?

Melly you should be entitled to 15 %, I think, of his wages for one child.
I am pretty certain it is at least that. He sounds like an arse, and sorry but I don't think any solicitor is going to judge you for going to the csa to get what he owes you. He is his son too and he should be providing for him, it's as simple as that. The money is not for you it is for ds. He HAS to provide for him it is the law

Wellwhen my friend was going thru this her DH was told 20%, 2 kids. He had a lot of debt and said I can't afford that. They said they didn't care what his outgoings were, he had to provide for his child. He said, so if my outgoings were X, and I earned X, you would still want me to pay Y, and they said, yes that is not our problem.

And they will take it out of his wages and give it to you. That way he never sees it, and can't bounce it.
They make sure women are protected from this kind of shit, it's what they are there for.

My X agreed a settlement via the CSA and so far hasnt paid it! He now owes me a huge amount of money which I will probably never see and demands every right he can think of. The CSA do not seem capable of making him do anything but then he is self employed so can hide his income and delude himself that he is still a reasonable human being.

Haven't read replies but I'm afraid you can't justifiably (in legal sense) withhold access due to non-payment.

The courts NEVER link financial stuff with issues around contact which is vaguely ridiculous but that's how it is.

Thus, if anything ever goes to court, i.e. her tries to get a contact order, then you will not look good if you've denied contact on this basis.

My ExP takes children to Spain but can't afford the maintenance which feeds them

I think you have realised now that you won't stop access, I know how upset and frustrated you feel but it is just not the way to go.

my exh pays me half of what he was assessed by the CSA I think it is quite common. He says he would not be able to afford what he was assessed at but I think its a case of he doesn't want to alter his lifestyle to afford it

my dh on the other hand pays what he is meant to through his wages (his choice) after all his ex works at CSA my ex earns double what my dh earns and they both pay the same.....work that one out!

Thanks for all the further advice. Following my very reasonable email he fired back one which has really left me feeling like crap. He is now trying to say that he doesn't earn what he does, but I know the CSA will find out the true figure, he is also saying they take other dependent children into consideration. He lives at the weekend (only) with his girlfriend who has two boys. She is divorced and the father pays maintenance. He is now trying to say that the other children come into the calculations. The very fact that he even considers this makes him lower than low. He is also dictating that he will have the children but only if we meet halfway. He can see the kids as much as he likes, but he can do the collecting and dropping off, I'm presuming that he is saying if i won't drive them, he won't have them. I told him he was neglecting his own children in favour of a woman who he has known less than a year but then that's the sort of person he is. When he had known her for a matter of weeks last July, he opted to go camping in Wales with her rather than see his own DD on her 5th birthday. I told him he doesn't deserve his kids and his behaviour is disgusting.
Sorry rant over.

My god have just found out the git is right about the other kids. I rang the CSA and they protect 20% of his income because he has shacked up with some other woman and her kids. So, even though their father pays maintenance it's my children who lose out. It's things like this that make you want to pack your bags and leave the country

sorry just saw your previous post, yes thats how it works I'm afraid.

In my circumstance I have just decided not to worry about the money he gives me. When I lived with ex I was reasonably well off, now is different story but I am so happy with dh that all the money in the world wouldn't force me back to my old life.

Try your best not to be angry in front of the kids or discuss it...this may be why your son doesn't want to go. He may think he needs to stay with you to protect you.

The most important thing here is that your children have a good relationship with their daddy and they are allowed to see him. I know you are angry and upset but you need to not dwell on things and get on with your own life. And just think.... you don't need to live with him anymore!

Gosh Melly, is that true even tho he's only there at weekends and she is therefore completely financially independent of him.???
And what did CSA say when you pointed out that your kids are now losing out while her kids are getting 2 sets of maintenance.
Let me guess, It's not there problem??

I so know what you mean about this country

I advise going to your local CAB. I have found mine very helpful in the past. They have people who know about the inner workings of all these things.

Melly, how are things??
Any new revelations??
Hope you're ok.