struggling to be a dad - help

[atitagain1]

Hi all

I have a 5 year old son from a brief fling some years back. His mother and I never knew each other well, but I have been involved in his life from day one.

Financially and visits-wise I do all that is expected of me and have him every other weekend. I dread longer stays should his mum want shared school holidays. I never ever planned to be a dad but I try to do the right thing. My issues really are:

1. On the weekends I have him I really, really struggle. I find childcare extremely difficult and have never been that kind of person. My strengths are financial provision, thinking about their future, showing love and affection, giving cuddles, & understanding/treating him as an individual.

Yet I hate being the play partner, being manhandled constantly (he is very boisterous & needs constant attention/interaction), and doing all the child-related chores. Never a moment's peace, and doing all the play is a depressing strain for me. I just mark time each weekend he is here. Although he is the apple of my eye, I am secretly relieved when he leaves and dread the next visit.

2. What makes it worse is that although he is a cute, intelligent kid, and I love him as my son, I just don't like his personality. Worryingly he is just like another (adult) family member who has cut us all off. The similarities are uncanny - fun and boisterous, changeable and oddly selfish/detached - just doesn't seem to have much deep attachment or compassion. I was not like that at all at his age, I was always worrying about people's welfare and my relationships with them. It breaks my heart and given he is 5, I can no longer keep telling myself it is "selfish toddler" syndrome.

I feel like I'm living a life I don't want, and don't know what to do about it.

Any help is much appreciated.

I'm not overthrowing when the OP has also said that he has issues because his son looks like a family member who seems to be persona non grata to the rest of the family and to quote him he doesn't like his personality. Having had personal experience of a parent taking a dislike to a child due to a perceived resemblance to a disliked family member I know these feelings can get out of hand. I wholeheartedly commend the OP for asking for help and I am not being judgemental, merely trying to suggest that sometimes more help in the form of talking through those feelings is beneficial. If tne OP had not mentioned it then neither would I.

....

Over thinking obviously!

Fuck! It’s a good job you only have him eow!

Imagine if his mum felt the same?! I’m sure she wasn’t that excited about having a child with a fling either! But I bet she’s a damn site better at getting on with it than you!

OP, they are not really nice and considerate at such early age, the me-me-me phase is still very present at 5. According with what DS teacher once told us, the sharing and consideration doesn’t come in until they are a tiny bit older.

I understand it is difficult to deal with this if you don’t have him 24/7, you are out of shape, practice makes the master and all that. But if it helps, a way that I managed the weekends at that age (lone parent here too) was one day to do what DS liked, one to do what I liked and one to do something we both enjoyed (I’m counting Friday on it).

Another thing I found very helpful was to invite one of DS’ friends when going to the play area, walks or the park. Contrary to what some people may think, it is much easier to entertain 2 children than one.

If you have friends or family with children of similar ages, try to arrange days out with them, the children have a ball and you get a far more relaxed day.

Good luck and take it easy, we all have days when we get a bit tired of parenting.

OP - my partner is feeling similar to you about his DC (my SDC) so I am following the thread with interest. If he is feeling brave wnough I may point him in this direction.

I havent RTFT yet and I dont know the circumstances here to make any judgements or offer advice. But It seems you havent really bonded with this child. Which is understandable. If its a case of her having the baby without you willing/aware/ or involved in anyway youre not likely to have had time to develop a bond. I'm sure some will bash me for this but you cant force a loving relationship, just because you share dna.
OP how long have you had contact with this child?
I don't think it's too unreasonable to not have the feelings everyone expects you to when you haven't had his whole life to bond especially as you didnt have a loving relationship with his mum. Again I'll probably get bashed here but if this is not for you wouldnt it be kinder to you all if you minimised contact and upped maintenance?

If you think he's egocentric now, you've got a big shock coming to you when he gets to about 14

Worryingly he is just like another (adult) family member who has cut us all off.

At five he almost still a baby. I remember being that age and one is only just conscious, like a little animal. To have the ideas you do about him, you must be projecting quite a lot from somewhere else - it cannot be about him.

Could you have some counselling about your own childhood, and about your concerns about your son?

It is really nice for your son that you are trying in this way. No adult finds it easy to play all day. Maybe you each need some time to stop being boisterous, and read or something for some of your time with him.

OP I meant to ask how long you'd had contact as in days without mum or him staying with you for sleepovers etc
mumsnet needs an edit button

I just wanted to say thanks again to all the people who have tried to help, I am working through all the suggestions now. A lot to digest so thanks again!

I am really trying by the way. I do think I am getting better at letting go and just enjoying him for who he is, even as of this week. The advice here is helping about giving him the benefit of the doubt, plus focusing on his good qualities also even if negative are there/are to come

*negatives not negative!

I hate to say it but fatherhood is about scarifice and hard work. Loads of ppl find playing with a five year old boring. Parents don't have peace really sorry to inform you. You don't have him everyday so I think you need to realise you sound a bit silly. If you don't enjoy playing with him no wonder he doesn't enjoy playing with you. Jeez.

They just keep coming don’t they op!

Lovely update. Keep working through your stuff, and trying your best. Well done for seeking help and guidance. I’m glad this weekend was a bit lighter.

I have a five year old grandson as well as having raised my own son. I would be worried if he wasn't boisterous, go out play football, play chase do the things that wear him out and enjoy this very beautiful brief time. Embrace your son, before you know it he'll be a stroppy teenager.

Great update...often it just takes one or two little things to take care of the big things.

Children are definitely easier when you're out playing....tires the buggers out too!

Glad you are more positive now. On the back of your post I am pushing my DP to attend parenting classes