struggling to be a dad - help

[atitagain1]

Hi all

I have a 5 year old son from a brief fling some years back. His mother and I never knew each other well, but I have been involved in his life from day one.

Financially and visits-wise I do all that is expected of me and have him every other weekend. I dread longer stays should his mum want shared school holidays. I never ever planned to be a dad but I try to do the right thing. My issues really are:

1. On the weekends I have him I really, really struggle. I find childcare extremely difficult and have never been that kind of person. My strengths are financial provision, thinking about their future, showing love and affection, giving cuddles, & understanding/treating him as an individual.

Yet I hate being the play partner, being manhandled constantly (he is very boisterous & needs constant attention/interaction), and doing all the child-related chores. Never a moment's peace, and doing all the play is a depressing strain for me. I just mark time each weekend he is here. Although he is the apple of my eye, I am secretly relieved when he leaves and dread the next visit.

2. What makes it worse is that although he is a cute, intelligent kid, and I love him as my son, I just don't like his personality. Worryingly he is just like another (adult) family member who has cut us all off. The similarities are uncanny - fun and boisterous, changeable and oddly selfish/detached - just doesn't seem to have much deep attachment or compassion. I was not like that at all at his age, I was always worrying about people's welfare and my relationships with them. It breaks my heart and given he is 5, I can no longer keep telling myself it is "selfish toddler" syndrome.

I feel like I'm living a life I don't want, and don't know what to do about it.

Any help is much appreciated.

For your son, wishing people dead shows a real emotion immaturity/lack of knowledge about his different complex emotions:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1472906098/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?ref=plSrch&keywords=emotions+books+for+children&dpPl=1&dpID=61D%2BPvTM7XL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1521362959&sr=8-5

Lovely book to introduce the idea of compassion and caring about others:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/099609993X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=emotions+books+for+children&dpPl=1&dpID=51NYppzf%2BaL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1521362959&sr=8-1

I love this book. It’s a hard read as you realise how much you don’t listen as a parent sometimes, but a great way to reset and be better:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/184812614X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+and+listen+so+kids+will+talk&dpPl=1&dpID=51py9Tuge6L&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1521363234&sr=8-1

There is also another one geared towards younger children, 2-7yrs, although I have not read it

You write like you are the first person ever to find parenting hard and the rest of us are all skipping through the daisies with our little ones. Turning a small baby born with a few basic instincts into a useful member of society is bloody hard work. If your son's personality isn't what you would hope it would be, it's up to you, as his parent, to help mould it. As for the boisterousness, what are you doing to deal with that? Are you giving him plenty of opportunities to be physical? Sports clubs, park, soft play? In my view small children are like puppies - they need to be taken out and exhausted a couple of times a day. It makes the rest of the time a lot more manageable.

This also looks suitable for you, and short and cheap, maybe a good place to start.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1508957835/ref=mp_s_a_1_6?ref=plSrch&keywords=how+to+enjoy+parenting&dpPl=1&dpID=41LUzySe1bL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1521363423&sr=8-6

OP no scathing judgement here. Good for you for asking the question. I hope this will be the first of many steps to you and you son growing closer and him feeling your acceptance and you seeing the amazing things that happen to a child when they are fully accepted as who they are, not who they ‘should’ be.

I think you are getting judged super harshly here.

I struggle with playing, I don't really get it but I try to fake it. I'm better at activities- puzzles, reading, colouring in. Do you have friends with children or is there a local dads group? I aim to be out of the house once a day as everyone is generally happier all round. I don't really know why.

As for reminding you of someone else. You can't help that but you can't dwell on it. Can you think of something positive about your child when this idea comes?

atitagain1 I think a lot of the qualities you say your son has are typical traits of any 5 year old. He’s boisterous etc because he’s a kid and children like to play. Your relationship with your son now will change with every phase of his development. You hvego realise this is a phase and through our lives we constantly grow and change. I’m sure you’re not the same person now yourself as you were when you were just 5 years old. I’m sure your son won’t be either. Please don’t define his whole personality and being on how he is at 5 years old. In the future you may end up being more alike than you think and if you’re not than that’s okay too. Just remember they’re not little for long and one day you may miss this special time.

have to* that should read

He's not the apple of your eye OP. That's a crock. You should get some therapy for yourself because you are projecting wildly onto your poor son. Please do not kid yourself that he has no idea how you feel about it. Children know. Maybe that's why he needs so much from you, apart from the fact that that is the nature of children and being a parent.

I think most parents here think that playing can be boring at times especially role playing but just do it. Your ds doesn't need to know what your opinion on it is. Do plenty of outdoor stuff. Football in the garden or park. Does he have a bike at yours? Build traditions together like swimming every Sat morning or a bike ride. If you can afford it could you get him riding lessons as all these things help a boisterous lad. Which is totally normal. Also your relative was acting like a 5 year old as an adult. Your 5 year old is acting like a 5 year old at 5. Stop trying to turn him into a saint. He will be fine. Just lots of fun . And its ok not to enjoy it all the time . Just do it and don't live by your feelings as that is mainly what parents do. Look around at all the parents with their dc . Guess what..a lot of them would prefer to be drinking coffee or sitting in peace but you lay down your life for your child. Thats a parents job..not when they are nice but all the time. Don't feel guilty about the thoyghs ..just don't live by them.

He is being a typical 5 year old, noisy, full of life, exploring his world. Parenting is often tough, hard work and sometimes boring. You are hands on far less than the mother, how do you think she copes? Sorry but you need to think more about his needs , otherwise as he grows up he might choose to sever his ties with you.

P.S my 21 year-old son who has an ASD talks quite factually about me dying! He is quite lovely but also very factual, a 5 year old is often the same way . They have no idea of some concepts.( I did draw the line when he wanted to ehume the guinea pig though to see what it looked like).

To be fair to the child, we don't know what kind of things he says about family members. @atitagain1 said

"It just hurts when he talks about some family members that give him so much love, yet to him it's like they could drop dead and he wouldn't care."

He hasn't actually given an example of what he means. He didn't say the child wishes his relatives dead, just that he doesn't seem to care enough about them.

Your post is candid and honest.

You need to look at your son - look in the eye and see that he is his own person, with his own life and dreams before him. He is not a cardboard cut out of anyone else.

He is a small child will still be developing many of the skills and feelings you describe, he can not expect to have them at five years old. Despite claiming you were somehow better at his age it strikes me as an odd assertion to make as no one can truly know what they were ‘like’ at that age and it is subjective anyway.

If I were you, along with all the other good advice on here would think berry seriously about developing a hobby just for the two of you. Something you really enjoy that he can share, be it train sets, model airplanes, tennis or fishing. Why stop at one? You could have several. Then there is no need to ‘formally’ play, but he could learn a new skill, introduce play into the hobby. Most hobbies are playing.
Combining your hobbies and days out to interesting places will enhance and create a bond between you.
Camping, treehouse stays etc all hold an element of the outdoors and at hugely fun.
Bake cakes or go to the movies, invite other children over for a few hours.
Surely then you will grow to love the time with your son.
He is at an amazing age now and will grow into a man one day and l you will be accountable for your actions one day, always remember that. Make your time with him count and you will have no regrets.

No my son does NOT know. I have said it already, he would not have a clue about my reservations as I would never let that slip as I know what that can do to a child. His mother says I am a good dad, but granted she doesn't know how I have been feeling inside. The only thing he DOES know is that I am not as good at extended playtime as some other adults in his life. I watch some other parents that can be a very willing and happy play partner for hours and hours on end, one of my best friends is like that and I asked him how he does it: he said he sees it as an opportunity to be a kid again himself, but that doesn't work for me. Each to their own I guess. I will try to plan our time more so that we can involve other kids/parents and more outdoor activities and trips as I think that could help.

It boggles the mind that some on here call it 'drudgery' but rather than questioning there's something wrong say that's the way it should be.

I am also going to look at some developmental stage reading about his age and what to expect. I did some reading back when he was a toddler but I don't know a lot about this early school stage yet. Thanks for the links to those who sent.

KittenBeast: you probably have your own issues, I don't know what they are but you are a moron if you think that given how much time and thought I give to my child (despite my issues) that he is better off without me. Did I say I did not want to interact with him or is that you just trying to get an extra kick in? Or maybe you have a chip on your shoulder about "guys like this"

I should add that I posted the above before seeing the second page of comments so sorry if it sounds ungrateful. I am actually very grateful for all of the helpful suggestions and reassurance. There is so much useful stuff here that people have sent, it is already helping

Do you really not like making things with lego or building a traintrack or a marble run? There must be something that you have in common. There are so many things to do with children. Take him swimming?

Not at all atitagain1 I'm not a moron either, you came here for opinions regarding your lack of interest in your son and your 'living a life you don't want to lead' (i.e taking care of your own son on occasional weekends) which, quite frankly, is pretty pathetic, and I gave you my opinion. Sorry, Babycakes.

First of all - really great you are owning the responsibility of being a parent and being proactive about being the best parent you can be. For boys outside activities, garden , parks and cooking and baking together fills up lot's of time and walks in countryside, picnics. A book I find useful is positive parenting by Elizabeth Hartley - Brewer. Also do not take his personality and behaviour personally - humour , singing, silly voices and doing different rooms and activities rotating will get you through . If you can afford it get annual passes to local attractions that he and you can go to places on a Rota. Also vent with good friends who will listen and not judge. It does get more enjoyable but you have to find what works for you and have something you can do to give yourself a mini break of 10 minutes e g. Read, learn a language so it doesn't feel like you are non-stop parenting. Your son is lucky to have a dad who cares.

Ps my boys will peel carrots and potatoes for ages to make funny faces and characters!

Try doing things that you enjoy with him - he likely just wants your time and attention so will go along with your choices, but keep in mind he's a boy so likely an active learner who prefers to be on the move and outdoors.

Don't worry too much about 'activities' try places like forests, woods, playgrounds where he can kick a ball with you or run free and explore

Don't let the weather put you off just buy suitable outerwear

Remember that every time he stays with you he has to readjust to you and your ways and that can take a little time

Don't be so hard on yourself - you sound like a caring dad

Regarding how you see another family members traits in your son's personality - that's more about your dislike of this person and tagging it to your son - you control those feelings so this is up to you to change how you view these, not for your son to change

My strengths are.......showing love and affection, giving cuddles, & understanding/treating him as an individual.
These are so important for boys so please keep playing to your strengths

Regarding finding constant play difficult: yes I think the suggestion of planning more activities which he (and I) would enjoy out and about would help. It can be really hard as a single parent in the house all day with your child, especially with no sibling(s) around so you are constant play partner. I really struggle with it
Yes of course take him out. Have you not been doing that at all?
The library. Look up activities on
Swimming. Any activities on at the leisure centre?
Soft play
National trust places (expensive but worth annual membership if you'll go regularly)
The park - picnic
Museums - events?

but keep in mind he's a boy so likely an active learner who prefers to be on the move and outdoors

Sorry but I have to say please don't treat your 5 year old son any different that you would treat a 5 year old daughter. Plenty of girls like to be active, on the move and outdoors. Just like plenty of boys like dressing up, baking, etc.

These are so important for boys so please keep playing to your strengths

Again, these are important for children, their sex is irrelevant.