struggling to be a dad - help

[atitagain1]

Hi all

I have a 5 year old son from a brief fling some years back. His mother and I never knew each other well, but I have been involved in his life from day one.

Financially and visits-wise I do all that is expected of me and have him every other weekend. I dread longer stays should his mum want shared school holidays. I never ever planned to be a dad but I try to do the right thing. My issues really are:

1. On the weekends I have him I really, really struggle. I find childcare extremely difficult and have never been that kind of person. My strengths are financial provision, thinking about their future, showing love and affection, giving cuddles, & understanding/treating him as an individual.

Yet I hate being the play partner, being manhandled constantly (he is very boisterous & needs constant attention/interaction), and doing all the child-related chores. Never a moment's peace, and doing all the play is a depressing strain for me. I just mark time each weekend he is here. Although he is the apple of my eye, I am secretly relieved when he leaves and dread the next visit.

2. What makes it worse is that although he is a cute, intelligent kid, and I love him as my son, I just don't like his personality. Worryingly he is just like another (adult) family member who has cut us all off. The similarities are uncanny - fun and boisterous, changeable and oddly selfish/detached - just doesn't seem to have much deep attachment or compassion. I was not like that at all at his age, I was always worrying about people's welfare and my relationships with them. It breaks my heart and given he is 5, I can no longer keep telling myself it is "selfish toddler" syndrome.

I feel like I'm living a life I don't want, and don't know what to do about it.

Any help is much appreciated.

Fair play op. You’ve held your own and sifted the good advice from the people who may be projecting (no judgement though, we all project).

I want to just gently touch on this. You said “No my son does NOT know” and I really want to impart on you that you don’t know what your son knows. He is a wee individual and he will only tell you what he chooses to tell you about what he knows (wordy wordy wordy!).

I can relate to you in some ways - sometimes the socially unacceptable feelings are the hardest ones to address because of the stigma attached to them. But it helps to acknowledge, address, adapt and move forward and I think, fair play to you.

No my son does NOT know. I have said it already, he would not have a clue about my reservations as I would never let that slip

I'm pleased you are so sure about this. I hope you are right. I'm sure you would never say anything negative out loud to your ds or consciously show your disappointment in him, but even just feeling it is enough for you to express it subconsciously through your behaviour, tone of voice and micro gestures that you dont even know you are making. Your ds wont understand or know what this is about but he will pick up on the feeling that somehow he is a disappointment to you, somehow he is failing. You really have to try to change how you feel before this is damaging.

A close relative of mine had a similar belief that one of his dcs was just like x (a relative who behaved badly and he didn't get on with). There were some superficial similarities in their appearance and interests which kicked this off, but his strong belief that this dc was going to be the same as x really coloured that child's childhood in very subtle ways. Although the dc was much loved and outwardly treated the same as their siblings, every time they did something wrong or annoying their dad would be massively disproportionately angry about anything that he perceived as proof that the dc was going to turn out like X. The poor kid had no idea why their dad seemed so upset about apparently unimportant things. It became a self-fulfilling prophesy and sadly somehow they just never developed a close bond. Now that dc is an adult (and actually nothing at all like x but uncannily similar to their dad) and there's still an uncrossable distance between them. That dad has missed out on so much.

You can change this but it will take real effort on your part to get out of your negative thinking patterns.

Parenting a young child is fairly boring. People tend not to say that, but IMHO it's true and expecting your time together to be magical and enriching gives you false expectations.

As the non-resident parent, there's more pressure on you to do fun and exciting things during your time with your DS, whereas for the resident parent they have to get on with BAU so are not expected to be full time funsters. (NB this is not me saying in any way that it's easier to be the main carer as it's certainly not).

Also you get to build up love and caring for your DC by spending time with them. I think involving other DCs and families is a good idea and planning activities for your time together will make it seem less of a chore.

Financially and visits-wise I do all that is expected of me and have him every other weekend.

That’s all that’s is expected of a parent? Wow?? Who knew. I’m a mug. I’ve been parenting my kids every weekend and all the weekdays in between. Who knew I could have gotten away with far less?

It can be really hard as a single parent in the house all day with your child

2 days a fortnight? yeah, real hard.

"It boggles the mind that some on here call it 'drudgery' but rather than questioning there's something wrong say that's the way it should be."

I'm surprised that you're surprised. Sometimes parenting is just repetitious and not particularly enjoyable, but you need to get on and do it.

I hope you do actually find some moments where you enjoy being with your son, and that you can recognise the things that you love about him and are proud of. When you find yourself dreading his visits, remind yourself of those things and push the negative thoughts away.

You are not the first person to hate playing. I don’t like it. But parenting is bloody hard work and much of it is drudgery. It doesn’t have to play to your strengths - it just has to be done and you need to accept that.

However there are ways to make it more manageable. Firstly you need to get outside everyday regardless of weather. A day trapped inside with kids is a nightmare. You go to the park, bike ride, visit friends, museum, run errands. Secondly you decide how to play - and it’s not all day. If you don’t like rough play don’t do it. Painting ? Board games ? Building a castle ?

Third have you thought about joining Gingerbread for the peer support and groups ?

Having read this again I feel sad for your child, he probably looks forward to being with his daddy and his daddy dreads the visits. You only see him 2 days out of 14 , but you are worrying that his mother might want you to some school holidays too, and dreading that too. I think you need to talk to a counsellor to get to the bottom of why you are so unhappy as you clearly are fed up with something. As you mentioned he reminds you of a family member, does this have more to do with the feelings of dread that you experience?

I’d feel sad for the child if the op lacked the self awareness he has shown by coming on here and ask for some support, no matter how clumsily.

And some of the responses are really something. So he doesn’t know the ‘right’ words or euphemisms, but he is willing to read and he is willing to learn.

That’s all you can ask of any struggling Dm if Df. That they keep trying to be the best they can be.

Blimey you’re getting a hard time. Get out of the house and take him to the park, children’s farm, library, soft play etc etc. Is it possible to merg with other parents and their children? If it’s just you and him at home all the time then yes, it’s intense and hard as you’re putting pressure on yourself to provide excellent entertainment all the time. Good luck.

I think it was the word dread that worried me. To me that indicates something very unpleasant. For example I dread going to the dentist, not dreading to see his son. I understood he is looking for advice and that would be mine, what is the feeling of dread coming from. Not just the lack of knowing how to play?

A full day with no adult company is a bit full on so dont be too hard on yourself. Most parents are grateful for bedtime on days like that. I'd urge you to try and find a network if you can. There's normally a local Facebook group for parents. You could post on there and ask if anyone wants to meet up with their kid in the park or something. I'd also look into activities to do together - you might meet a crew this way too Most cinemas do movies for juniors on weekend mornings for very cheap. It's a nice low effort way to bond - cuddles in the dark is lovely. Swimming is also great, especially if there is somewhere with waves and slides. Do you like camping? I'd love to take my eldest on 1:1 camping trips and explore new places. Travelodge rooms can be cheap too. Kids this age love a ritual even if it's just going tl the shop and choosing something for tea so if you find something that works dont be afraid of repetition.

Worryingly he is just like another (adult) family member who has cut us all off. The similarities are uncanny

My dd has a similar nature to a SIL who I find very annoying, but, IMHO, there are no bad natures, it is just the job of parents to help our children to bring out the best in the nature they were doted with. Eg. the world needs some perfectionists, but there is a terrible downside to perfectionism. Leaders are great but... You have to bring out his good side, OP.

As for not enjoying your child, you've got to work on that. Find activities that you can both enjoy. My granddaughter loves role play, I hate it. I just tell her she has to find something else for us to play at. I am also planning to enrol her in swimming classes.

I think you have just confirmed my point about op being jumped on for not using the ‘right’ words.

Dread: anticipate with great apprehension or fear.

Nothing sinister about dreading something that you currently find very challenging.

There's a whole thread about pretend play with 4 yos bring mind numbingly dull and lots of threads about snow induced cabin fever. It's nearly spring, everything will be better then!

I thing @atitagain1 needs helpful advice and not criticism. Helpful advice and support is what MN is supposed to be about and not unnecessary judgement as let’s face it none of us or perfect.

are*

I agree with a lot of posters OP, the nicer weather isn’t far off hopefully and it will be easier when you can take your ds to the park and he can release some of that energy. There’s a lot to be said for the great outdoors. Remember this is just one phase of many and things will change and will get better. Good luck

I think you are not listening to my point, dreading seing his son who reminds the OP of a daily member is surely a cause for concern?

You only spend a few days a month with him maybe he is excited to see you. He does sound like a typical egocentric 5 year old.

LoislovesStewie I am listening to your point. Moreover both I and the OP seem to agree with you - it is cause for concern/worry.

That is why OP asked for help and that is why many rational parents are helping him with tips and advice instead of idle judgement.

LoislovesStewie I think you’re overthinking language choice.

Exactly what NotTakenUsername said.

If you have the right gear for the weather then you can get out most days. Get some warm wellies, waterproof trousers or dungarees/waterproof suit, coat and waterproof gloves for him and you can go out even if it's rainy and cold. I have two children, 5 and 1.5, and we get outside as much as we can despite the weather. Obviously you'll need good outdoor gear as well.

NotAllTimsWearCapes - exactly. 2 days a fortnight, what a tough, tough time this guy is having being a 'single parent' what a laugh.