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Original poster

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26 replies

Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 10:40

So the ex is having a baby. One of my children is already feeling unseay about the new baby. I spoke with ex and his gf.

Ex is now saying if baby is born on his access weekend we will have to swap it so his gf can get used to a new baby.

Never been in this situation before so unsure but I really don't want my kids to worry. I will explain why and that she needs to rest but I know they wnot hear that.

Has anyone gone through the same thing?

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 21/02/2018 10:48

If the shoe was on the other foot and you were having the baby what would you do? It’s not a big deal swapping weekends, flexibility is key.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 10:49

His gf and I had spoken about this abit ago and she asked if I would want the kids back early due to mothers day and I said yes. She said ok she's due on the Thurs or friday so they will have them till the Saturday evening. I said we will see what happens nearer the time as she might go early or late etc.

She seems to want to make sure the kids don't feel pushed out left out etc. But I'm thinking is she taking on too much etc.
I don't really want to plan something at this moment as if she has the baby say Monday he stI'll won't want the kids friday.
And that's a long time especially if they didn't see him the week before

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 21/02/2018 10:51

What on earth would your DC be worrying about? Confused you just tell them new baby is coming and Dad and partner will be at hospital and need lots of rest for a few days. Kids can understand that.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 10:54

She's worried she will be left out. And won't have much time with exs gf.
They have both said to her that exs ef will need to rest after baby is born. But my daughter heard it as I won't have time for you. She was so upset for a week. She didn't even want to go to school and would cry mot of the day.
It took awhile to find out she wrote it in her book.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 11:03

If the shoe was on the other foot. I would expect my partner to be pulling his weight and looking after his children taking them putting them to bed but she does all that. Maybe having them friday night and sat day or just sat or sun day instead?

If my partners exs child was unsure about a new baby and feeling worried I would want them to have time together so that feeling doesn't last any longer than it has it. But that me that's probably because I'm going through it with my children now.

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PhelanThePain · 21/02/2018 11:05

So you need to be reassuring her that GF loves her and is just very tired because having a baby takes LOADS of energy. Tell her about how tired you were when she was born. Ask Ex if DD can come visit the new baby once they are home from hospital. Not to stay for contact but to meet baby and bring a gift she had picked for it.

Dairymilkmuncher · 21/02/2018 11:09

What phelan said a wee visit with present and she's the big sister now it's all very special.

It's no different if it's you or the step mum having the baby, she's going to be a big sister and things will change for her slightly especially around the time of the birth. Don't pander too much it's just very normal life and not a big deal

I'm away to have my third very soon and my two kids are going to have massive changes for a week or two and the big one doesn't want to go to wraparound care and the little one has special needs and very used to me caring for him all the time but I can't put the baby back now so they'll just have to cope

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 11:10

I do that every day with them all. I will see how it gos nearer the time and jusy hope ot all Gos smoothly

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 21/02/2018 11:22

OP are you feeling a bit upset about this new baby? Is there any chance you are projecting your own feelings into your DD and she is reacting to your anxiety around it?

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 11:46

No I have been more than supportI've for all my children and his gf.
My worris are my children. Their dad has been in and out of their lives for many years and iv seen them go through so much with that.
They came 2nd when he got a gf 2 . So I can fully understand why they have worries. I can't change the future before it happens but I can try and help things so as smoothly as possible for everyone's sake.

He has said he will pick them up when baby is home for a visit but that wasn't what I was asking for help for.

I know my ex I have just asked him to have the kids for 2 days in april and he said he's not using his holidays to babysit.

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 21/02/2018 11:50

TBH I’m not really sure what you’re asking for help with. It does feel like this is more of a moan than asking for help.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 15:51

Dairymilkmuncher thank you for your advice. I understand that things will be different.
But I personally don't think dad should not see his kids coz a new baby is born. Why can't he take them to the play centre after them seeing the new baby?
It's important that he still sees the kids. He has 1 tea time a week then the next a weekend. If baby is born in his weekend he doesn't see them properly for 2 weeks.
With one child at the min feeling uneasy all I can do is my best to make sure she's ok however, as the paste shows no matter what I do or sat to make them feel better it's their dad they want to make them feel better.
Anyway I will see how things go coz babies decide when they want to make an appearance haha it might not be on there weekend then iv worried for nothing.

OP posts:
ThisLittleKitty · 21/02/2018 16:47

I think yabu. My mum had my kids for 6 weeks when I had my baby I seen them but not every day.

NorthernSpirit · 21/02/2018 17:13

If does sound like you are projecting. Could your daughter be ‘uneasy’ because you are? Kids playing ck up on this and of course she’s loyal to you.

Kids become siblings everyday, it’s no big deal. You and your OH need to make sure she feels loved and secure. She’s getting a baby brother or sister - try to be pleased for her. If not, grit your teeth and be the bigger person.

As for the contact weekend.... if the GF a 1st time mum? I can understand she wants time to recover. It’s really no big deal to flexible on contact - again be the bigger person and take the moral high ground.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 18:47

I don't mind being flexible. And said this to his gf before now. I just don't understand why he can't see his children out of the house depending on the day she has the baby etc.

OP posts:
wisterialanes · 21/02/2018 18:54

When a new baby is born this is where the 'two families' starts. I don't see why a father cannot see his child for 2 weeks because his partner is having a baby. He is literally a weekend dad in that case.

grasspigeons · 21/02/2018 18:57

I think the suggestion of popping to visit is a good one

And I think your ex should take your child out to the park or something similar during the day he would have had contact, unless it is the actual delivery date/first day at home.

I get the GF wants some rest after the birth and moving the weekend is a good idea as that is an option so be flexible there.

RosaBaby2 · 21/02/2018 19:04

It’s funny because if this was the ex’s gf posting saying I don’t want to have my step children when baby is born so that we can have some time to get used to baby etc people would be down her throat saying how you can’t just chop and change. I’ve seen so many threads like that!

If they had a child already would they be sending them away? Probably not.

I’m not surprised that your daughter is feeling a bit pushed out from her POV it will feel like the baby is replacing her.

I have no real advice because although this would really piss me off I’d still agree for an easy life.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 19:10

RosaBaby2 as far as I'm aware this isnt the gf saying it. What she's said to me is he will still have the kids and he even sorTed a sitter out for the due date. However she could just be saying that I suppose.

I text him and said it would be best to take them to a play centre for an hour or so, his gf can chill at home with baby etc and he gets times with them and drop them at home after but he didn't reply.

OP posts:
PhelanThePain · 21/02/2018 19:11

Actually Rosa, there was a thread along those lines a few weeks ago and I posted on it suggesting her partner ask his ex if it would be possible to swap contact weekends if the baby comes on his contact weekend. I’m not a step parent but my children have a step mother who had a baby recently. Had my ex been bothering with our DC at all I would have happily changed weekends.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 19:15

There isn't just 1 child there is 5. They all need to feel part of the family. I understand a visit coz gf will be tired but dad should see them depending on if home etc

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milkntwo · 21/02/2018 20:05

Lou I don’t think you’re “projecting”. I agree he should absolutely make other arrangements to spend decent time with the kids.

My DS was asking questions a few years ago about why his dad and SM wanted another baby once they married, asking wasn’t him and his sister enough. They weren’t and still aren’t expecting, and he sees them more frequently than yours, so I don’t think that anything your child is feeling is down to you.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 21:26

milkntwo thank you.
Aww really bless him.

OP posts:
Dairymilkmuncher · 21/02/2018 22:17

Sorry didn't see your reply earlier.

I'm a bit laid back when I was living separate from my husband I was very easy going with visits and chopping and changing of plans, out little one was too young to care so that was different. But I can't see myself getting wound up about him missing one weekend if it was for a wedding or big event like that but having a new tiny baby, having no idea how the birth is going to go, when his partner will get out of hospital or how well she'll cope etc that is definitely reason enough to get a bit of flexibility and change plans. You're a mother yourself, you understand.

Original poster
Louw12345 · 21/02/2018 23:06

I know my ex and I know my kids.

I will take on board the advice given thank you all

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