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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Moving away from children’s dad!

49 replies

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:03

Just that really! I’m thinking of moving a fair distance away for a fresh start. Anyone done this can tell me their experiences? My children’s father isn’t going to take it well but the fact he works away most of the year and isn’t reliable or dependable he can’t really grumble!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NorthernSpirit · 08/01/2018 22:20

The question for me is how would you feel if the children lived with the dad and he moved away from you and it tied your contact with the kids? How will you make contact work? Is it in the best interests of the children? Will you do half the drop offs and pick ups?

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:28

If the children lived with their father and he moved away I would move too, I would sacrifice anything to not be apart from my children. I am open to ideas for contact but it’s over 400 miles away so I’m not too sure how keen he’ll be to travel that distance regularly eg every other weekend. The move is 100% in the children’s best interest, I’m doing it for them and us as a family.

Anyone with any experience of this please?

OP posts:

SuperBeagle · 08/01/2018 22:31

You will have to facilitate all of the visits if you make the choice to move. That means paying for flights, or driving the 400 miles etc. to drop them off for visits.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:33

Superbeagle who states I will have to do that?

OP posts:

RemainOptimistic · 08/01/2018 22:36

My dad did this. He moved 350 miles away after divorcing my mum. I had to take a plane once a month. It was shit.

Your children deserve a relationship with their father. You are being unreasonable to say moving 400 miles away is in their best interests. Unless he is actually abusive which I'm guessing he's not or you would have mentioned that already. Being unreliable is frustrating for you and hurtful for the children BTW I'm not denying that.

What are your reasons for moving? What will you gain in this place 400 miles away that you can't get in the place you are now?

WinnieTheW0rm · 08/01/2018 22:37

If you move, you will be the one expected to arrange/pay for the transport for their contact with their father.

It's held to be in children's interests to have relationships with their parents. When you say he wouldn't take it well, do you mean he'd grumble, or that he's seek to prevent you moving?

How old are DC btw? Do they actually want to move, or are they well settled on school, with friends etc.

Your desire for a fresh start is understandable, but it may well be unwise to do that at a great distance if it's disruptive for your DC. You say you'd move for them, so you could also stay put for them

GingerIvy · 08/01/2018 22:37

I did this. Moved to London,away from children's father. It was absolutely in the children's best interest, and their father agreed. He is unable to prioritise their needs above his own and often goes months without contact with them. He insisted he'd be able to visit them, and once we moved, he then said he couldn't. He can't be unsupervised with them, so either I take them to him for visits or perhaps someday he'll get his shit together and actually come visit them here. (doubtful)

I would check with a solicitor to find out where you stand on this.

SuperBeagle · 08/01/2018 22:37

The courts. I have rarely seen it go any other way. If you make the choice to move, you facilitate visits.

DoinItForTheKids · 08/01/2018 22:39

You don't have to.

I moved away (about 2 hours away). This was for several reasons:

When he lived 10 mins away from them he saw the children f*ck all - so I wasn't exactly stopping him from an established full pattern of contact, quite the opposite
I didn't have enough money to buy in anything other than a really grotty run down area where I didn't want to live. I moved the least distance north-west that allowed me to buy a three bedroom house.

Out of total fairness I went half way for 8 years EOW in order to support contact. Wish I hadn't offered to do that to be honest; he's never put anywhere near the same amount into maintaining contact.

Had there been an existing really good contact and I could have afforded a house I would have stayed, but that wasn't the case. I didn't move on a whim just for larks but because there was no alternative. Of course I was still unfairly berated by XH and his entire family but what can you do.

NiceViper · 08/01/2018 22:39

"I am open to ideas for contact but it’s over 400 miles away so I’m not too sure how keen he’ll be to travel that distance regularly eg every other weekend."

His keenness won't be relevant. It's normal for the parent who moved away to be ordered to do the drop offs and pick ups. Are you keen on doing all that travelling?

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:41

I live in the south and can no longer afford my home. If we go north I can afford to buy our own home to which there is no chance here as a single working parent. My children are 6 and 2.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 08/01/2018 22:43

How often is dad involved, any other family here / there ?

NorthernSpirit · 08/01/2018 22:44

It’s in the children’s best interests that you move them 400 miles away from their father. The children have a right to a relationship with their father.

You are expecting your own children to travel 800 miles EOW to maintain a relationship with their dad? How do you propose you’ll facilitate that?

Personally I think it’s selfish and what you want, not what’s best for the children.

brizzledrizzle · 08/01/2018 22:45

It depends why you are moving, the courts consider necessity over wish to move and affordability too.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:46

No other family here. All my support is up north.
Thanks for all your comments x

OP posts:

Thehogfather · 08/01/2018 22:52

If you can't afford to give them a decent quality of life, which a home features very highly in, then you don't really have much choice. He can move too or pay more maintanence if he is in the kind of high paying responsible role that gives him an excusable reason why he isn't reliable. If he's just an arse then I don't see why the dc should go without in order to be on hand when he honours them with his role of father.

If he's already paying fair maintanence (rather than legal minimum), and is an actively involved good parent, doing half the responsibility of raising dc who has genuine reasons for not being able to move too then I'd be saying different.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:58

Very constructive thank you Thehogfather!

It’s a tricky one because we moved here for his job. I have no support in the shape of family here. He’s gone on to have a new family and he obviously finds it very convenient we are around the corner when he’s not away with work!

He pays the minimum of child maintenance and ensured it was reduced when his new baby born!

OP posts:

WinnieTheW0rm · 08/01/2018 23:00

OP doesn't say that the DC are not adequately housed at present, simply that is not currently an owner-occupier.

That she cannot afford to buy where she, her DC and their father live is not likely to be a key issue (lots of people can't afford to buy); and as the DC's needs come first, retaining proximity to their parents - both of them - and the home environment, school and friends is also likely to outweigh OP's wish to move away from current set up (been there years? not much weight will be attached to a support network you've been able to do without for so long).

And no matter how unreliable, yes he does get a say in all this because he is their father. And that matters in itself, no matter what the shortcomings of the individual.

brizzledrizzle · 08/01/2018 23:38

I was told that if he was the one to leave and the woman was moving to be nearer her family for support then the court would allow it. They did for my dsis.

ClaudiaD13 · 09/01/2018 00:16

I moved around 200 miles. It was most definitely in the children's best interest. Similar situation in that I had absolutely no family support.

He sees them once a month (his choice) and we meet half-way (each driving 2+ hours). The children do not enjoy the long drive every month. DS2 often gets very upset not seeing much of him and has repeatedly asked him to live closer (which does make me feel a little guilty). At one point he was seriously talking about moving up here (I moved north), but rapidly went off the idea when I told him he would be able to take the boys every week or EOW. He also Skype them once week and has a Minecraft Realm with them.

It was the right decision for my children though. He has his own problems (there was abuse when we were together but he has come along way since then) and he can't really look after them properly. He is happy with things the way they are, he knows his limitations.

It's not a one size fits all though. My bother is separated and I know he would be devastated if his (Ex)wife moved away back to her family. He is very involved and has them every week. I would hope she would never do that to him.

lunar1 · 09/01/2018 00:30

How will you facilitate their relationship?

Phillipa12 · 09/01/2018 06:32

I moved 200 miles away from my ex, so that i could be closer to my family for support, we have 3dc under 8 and i moved back to my home town. My ex did seek legal advice to see if he could stop the move and the answer was no, if i had been moving 200 miles away to somewhere where there was no family support then he would of had a case. My dc see there dad eow and we meet halfway for pick ups, its exhausting for them, so much so that exh is now moving closer but still within travelling distance of his work to make the journey easier on the boys.

Starlight2345 · 09/01/2018 13:39

how often are the children currently seeing Their Dad.. if dad is not providing any real support and you will get support up north I think it leaves you little choice.

I would seek legal advice though not the opinion of MN.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 09/01/2018 19:41

When he’s around he likes to have our children over for tea etc in the week but like I said he’s away a lot. Both children seem happier when he’s away and more settled. After reading some of the harsh words on here I’m now doubting our move. Just not sure on the logistics of living somewhere I can’t afford so the children are available for their father. Especially when he can move at any time!

OP posts:

SuperBeagle · 09/01/2018 19:42

But you said you moved to your current area for his job, so surely that means, if he's in the same job, he can't just up and move to wherever you go?

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