Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Moving away from children’s dad!

49 replies

Whoknows11 · 08/01/2018 22:03

Just that really! I’m thinking of moving a fair distance away for a fresh start. Anyone done this can tell me their experiences? My children’s father isn’t going to take it well but the fact he works away most of the year and isn’t reliable or dependable he can’t really grumble!

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 09/01/2018 19:51

It depends on how reliable he is with contact. It is not true that they will force you to ensure children are delivered to him as you are the one that moved away.

In these cases, if you get to the point of court, patterns of contact will be reviewed. If contact is little and unreliable, and the move will mean the mother will get more support to raise the children on her own, a move is not a bad thing.

I’m on the other end of the spectrum, I have an order that prevents me from moving nearer to my family and no money to fight it. If you ask me how much contact DS has had with his dad over the last many years, even when he lives a couple of miles from us, the answer is “none”.

It is however fair, I’m told, because that gives his dad the opportunity to re establish contact more easily if he ever wishes to do so.

Starlight2345 · 09/01/2018 20:09

it is however fair, I’m told, because that gives his dad the opportunity to re establish contact

that is ridiculous

OP .. threads on this subject always got he same way all about relationship with their Dad.. no thoughts of the quality of life with mum at all.

You haven't said how often he is away so it is really hard to gauge if he is away for once a month, six months at a time. works away in a week.

I still urge you to get legal advice.. you should be able to get a free 30 minute session which should give you an idea rather than what MN thinks you should do with not knowing your circumstances.

ChaosNeverRains · 09/01/2018 20:43

When he’s around he likes to have our children over for tea etc in the week but like I said he’s away a lot. Both children seem happier when he’s away and more settled. tbh it sounds here as if you’re projecting your own feelings on to your DC here. Yes, moving between houses will cause them to be a bit unsettled, however it’s highly unlikely that they’re “happier” when he’s away.

I’m guessing that he’s away for work? That won’t be viewed the same way as being away for pleasure etc. Also every other weekend and some nights during the week wouldn’t be considered by the courts to be bad contact. And due to their ages the reality is that the relationship with their father will change if you remove them to a different area where he can’t be involved in their schooling or have any knowledge of their friends etc and contact means an 800 mile round trip...

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 09/01/2018 21:32

So the children’s father can be away for 7-9 months at a time. Some weeks here, some weeks there, with little or no notice and not guaranteed to return when he states.

I have got legal advice which states if I can afford housing, sort schooling (children guaranteed to be in the same school, to which they aren’t here as catchment area changing and too many children), I can get a job and have the support I need to raise 2 children single handedly then there is no argument against it, especially as their father who we are living close by can go away or even move away at any time.

I know peoples immediate views would be surely she can’t do that. But why should we not be able to seek the best we can for our lives and let their father dictate what we do after he was the one who walked out on them?

OP posts:

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 09/01/2018 21:36

ChaosneverRains - I’m certainly not projecting my feelings on to my children. I was stating that they seem happier and more content when their father is away for long periods. My eldest is used to himbeing away and Mummy being there 109%, he’s been around for 2 out of 7 birthdays and my youngest has never lived with his father as he left before he was born!

OP posts:

ClaudiaD13 · 09/01/2018 21:52

Have you spoken to their Father and asked how he feels? He might not mind and may also feel it's in his children's best interest. My Ex didn't raise any objections to my moving away.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 09/01/2018 21:52

OP, put your children first. If they are going to better in the new place, because you will be in a better position to raise them on your own over there, and the other parent doesn’t seem so bothered with contact, do as you need to, you will never get 100% sympathy with your cause anyway.

dlnex · 09/01/2018 22:00

Hi Whoknows.
I moved far away, ex DH did not stop me. I have spent years 'facilitating contact' it's more like 'flogging a dead horse', & maintaining grandparent contact with ex MIL & FIL
I needed the distance to make me move on, change of location, and affordability of location has made a big difference to my outlook.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 10/01/2018 07:26

Thanks for all the comments, especially the ones not jumping on my for wanting a better life for myself and my children. It’s goid to hear others have done similar and it’s worked for the better!x

OP posts:

Starlight2345 · 10/01/2018 08:18

7 months so you have no support or break for 7 months and you have better opportunities up north . To be honest this thread feels very much like couple has children . Woman has to twiddle her thumbs wait for children to grow up before they can move on .

Greyandtiredbrain · 16/01/2018 22:21

I moved away. About 150 miles from SE to the SW and a 3 hour drive each way. My ex husband tried to take out a prohibited steps order to prevent it but was advised by his solicitor to drop it as he was unlikely to win.
2 years on, we organise contact EOW, or thereabouts, and ex-h has my DS for longer in the school holidays which works well for all of us. Either I drive to his town or he comes here. It hasn’t always been easy but I took the long term view - like a PP said, staying where I was would have meant crap housing as it was so expensive, poor schools as I’d have been in a grottier area and a commute into central London for work. This wasn’t going to work for me or my DS so I went for the move and it’s been by far the best decision. It was made easier by the fact that ex-h was unreliable and selfish around contact - one advantage to distance is that visits are properly organised and I rarely have to deal with last minute changes from him.

Good luck.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 17/01/2018 11:07

Thank you Greyandtiredbrain that’s good to know. And well done on the move. I suspect my ex will try and take out a prohibited steps order and too hope his solicitor will advise against it as he works away lot (sometimes 7/8 months of the year). Only time will tell. But I need to make the move if anything for my own mental health - the other woman is becoming me, copying everything to what I buy and now where we holiday. I feel like i’m In some movie where I’m being stalked x

OP posts:

FlippingFoal · 17/01/2018 11:14

What if the children decide they would rather stay with their dad than move with You?

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 17/01/2018 11:29

They are 7 and 2 tears old plus their Dad works away 80% of the time. He wouldn’t be able to look after them!

OP posts:

Ilovecamping · 17/01/2018 11:42

When I separated from my ex I thought about moving back to my family (170 miles) for support but in the end stayed where I was as the children were settled (they were 4 and 10) and my eldest could not have coped with another move (we moved with ex's job). He then moved away with his job (75 miles) and used to see the children every other weekend with us meeting at a half way point, it worked for us but, you have to look at your own situation, you are the only person who understands what is best for you and your children, they are also young enough to move and make a good adjustment (talking from experience).

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2018 12:23

I would be careful op. If he's hot a new family then the ow could look after your dc alongside their half sibling. Be sue of your ground before you rock the boat.

FlippingFoal · 17/01/2018 13:24

I would be careful op. If he's hot a new family then the ow could look after your dc alongside their half sibling. Be sue of your ground before you rock the boat.

The OP said nothing about an OW

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 17/01/2018 13:25

Thanks NorthernLurker I have appointed a very good family lawyer!

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 17/01/2018 13:38

Obviously you're getting legal advice, by I don't think you are being unreasonable considering he works away for 7-9 months of the year!

Surely as he's ok with travelling he can come and visit DC during his leave etc.

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 17/01/2018 20:29

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable either. We all have choices in life!x

OP posts:

noodles44 · 17/01/2018 21:05

I am in a similar position and considering a move (SE to SW) I can transfer to the area in my job to be near family & have a more affordable house, my children are 4 and 8 and I have been separated for 2 years. we are no further on with a divorce as my stbxh has had alcohol issues & refused to deal with any correspondence. In the last 6 months after a suicide attempt, he has attended rehab, it didn't work, he has lost his job, but amazingly seems to have something in the pipeline to move on to. He has seen the children (supervised) on about 5 visits in this time. He has not attempted to see them outside of the visits and when offered has been unable to handle contact. My dilemma is that he is just starting with AA and I feel uneasy about moving the kids away from him just as he seems to be turning a corner. He has been unreliable and my job requires shift work too, which has been very difficult to juggle. I do not know what to do, probably reassess in 6 months depending on how he is. It is hard as if he does dry out and then relapses in the future, I will be stuck in a similar position again and the opportunity to move areas may have gone ...

Original poster

Whoknows11 · 17/01/2018 21:51

Oh noodles that’s a tough decision to make. However surely the contact he’ll have when them if you move is no different to now then they won’t impact on either children or ex husband?

OP posts:

noodles44 · 17/01/2018 22:25

I can keep up with the current rate of contact easily. When we separated he did see them more frequently, but the max he has seen them has been EOW for 2ngts despite me attempting to get him to do something with them mid week.
I do not like the thought of the amount of travelling the kids would have to do if I move away, but ultimately feel it would probably be the most workable scenario going forwards.

Nikk91 · 05/06/2019 19:53

Hi I need advise, my ex partner my daughters dad is abusive . We have been in and out of court for 5 years due to controlling me as he is obsessed. Baring in mind he has a girlfriend a baby and her two boys he has abused her and pleaded guilty to it abused her two kids pleaded guilty to that . And the judge as stopped him from seeing our daughter . He is not allowed to contact me or my family he is allowed to send a card or letter to my mums house once a month. He knows I'm moving down south(I'm from north) 200 miles away HES NOT ALLOWED CONTACT HIS OWN FAULT. Still now hes abusing and controlling me in ways noone understands. He was really bad with me when we was together . He had knife to me and beat me up every day . Can he stop me from moving ?

Flip

1 2