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Lone parents

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Original poster

Can my ex get court to agree to taking child and baby abroad?

46 replies

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 00:01

I split with my ex due to EA when I was pregnant with second DS. They are now 5 and 1 years old. Since splitting up my ex has never agreed to looking after the kids on set days or for a few hours, he always see's the kids in my house and its whenever he wants. He uses alot of the time he spends at my house criticising the house, the food I have ever bought and the way I do things. When I need to do something such as go shopping, most of the time he suddenly has to rush off. He spent Christmas with me and my family, often joins in on our days out etc. In fact I feel like a single parent doing all the hard work with no break but still having him hanging around me.
He announced one day when my baby was 7 months old that he was booking a holiday for him and the kids to see his family in the country he is from on the other side of the world. I obviously said no you do not separate a baby from its mother and take the kids that far away from their primary care giver especially when you do no actual parenting when here. He reckon he has rights, I am stopping his family from having a relationship with the kids. I have offered to go with them and be in the background of need be. I have a good relationship with his family and spend time chatting to them sending pics all the time and am happy to be with the kids to visit them. He said he doesn't want to be around me which is surprising because here he can't seem to be with her kids without me. My life is imposed on by him constantly under the guise that it's for the kids. I fail to see how the kids would benefit being taken that far away from me in a country they don't understand the language while they are so young and my youngest is a super clingy baby that gets distressed if im in the loo for a couple of minutes let alone being taken abroad without me.
The country he is from does not take much notice of the haight convention and I am petrified there is a small chance of him not bringing them back. I would put nothing past him.
So now he reckons he's taking me to court. Does he have a chance of this being granted? What can I do to ensure it doesn't? We are seperated with no plans for divorce yet. Should I go for a residency order? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Poshindevon · 06/01/2018 05:05

Stop veing so complacent.
You need to arrannge proper access instead of your ex hanging around.at his pleasure.
You also need to have a prohibitive steps order to prevent him taking the children abroad. No court will grant a parent an order to take children abroad especially to a country where the Hague Convention is not recognised.
Go and see a solicitor as soon as possible do everything in your power to protect your children and stop being a doirmat

KhalliWali · 06/01/2018 05:12

Having known a few (at least four from the top of my head) mothers who have lost their DC this way, I urge you to get passports for your DC (if they don’t have them already), leave the passports with a trusted relative then see a solicitor.

KhalliWali · 06/01/2018 05:13

I would also file for divorce. He has more rights whilst you remain married.

Theducksarenotmyfriends · 06/01/2018 05:35

You really need to step up and protect your kids and yourself. It's really not good for them to grow up with so casual an arrangement like this which enables your ex to do no actual parenting and continuing to emotionally abuse you in your own home! Seriously stop him from dropping in on a whim, change locks if need be. File for divorce, go through court to set up proper access arrangements, stop letting him walk all over you.

It's so hard after being in an abusive relationship, they can still have s real hold over you even after you separate. You've done really well ending the relationship but you really can't carry on with current access arrangements. It's not healthy.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 09:44

Thank you so much for your replies, I have tried so hard to get him to agree set times but he blames his job and shift pattern, I got him to mediation but the arrangements didn't last long. I just haven't had the strength because I know it's going to be all out mental warfare. But thank you for confirming what a bad situation it is and how I need to take steps to protect the kids, I was half expecting people to come on and say how the kids would be better off going with him on holiday! I am definitely still getting my head spun by him and am questioning everything I think. It's a nightmare. I'm going to start the divorce process and put my foot down with the visits.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 06/01/2018 09:46

You need to stop this current arrangement, it’s not good for you and it’s confusing for the children. Sounds like it’s all on his terms.

Agree an arrangement that works for you both (not not in the FMH) he needs to take responsibility for parenting in his time.

He could if it went to court get a prohibitive steps order to take the children abroad - it would be upto a judge to decide. The children do have a right to a relationship with the dad but he does need to start parenting them.

Do not change the locks on the FMH as advised above. As you are still married he does have a right to enter the home. You need to sort your living arrangements out and commence divorce proceedings. Before the finances can be agreed you need to have sorted your child contact arrangements out.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 09:47

The home is rented and I am the only one paying the rent, does that make a difference to his right to come into the house?

OP posts:

WorkingBling · 06/01/2018 09:51

A friend had a situation where her ex wanted to take D.C. away but, like your ex, he hadn't ever actually stuck to regular arrangements or taken the kids alone. She was terrified because he said he would take her to court. The court basically laughed at him. The judge (or whoever) said that he needs to get regular visits reliably happening alone before he could even think about taking Kids away! I think the same would happen here.

Having said that, you really need to get things sorted. He can't just keep coming to your house. He needs to start having ore-agreed Times and he needs to take Kids without you to his place etc.

BashStreetKid · 06/01/2018 09:53

Were you married to him, and is he on their birth certificates? Is the house rented in your name? If not, can you get it changed so that it is?

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 09:53

He lives in a shared house so I wouldn't want the kids spending time there but the mediator suggested lots of things he could do with them, museums etc that would last a few hours but he turns up late so he can't take them out or comes back after an hour. He says he's got his own life now with new girlfriend apparently which is good news for me but my life hasn't changed one bit and it's just not fair on the kids. There is just no way to get him to agree to anything I suggest. He's totally irrational and twists everything I say. It's a nightmare trying get to talk to him. I'm guessing the only way forward is courthe but I really will struggle to pay.

OP posts:

Parker231 · 06/01/2018 09:55

Why have you allowed him access to your house, particularly when he doesn’t do any parenting when he’s there.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 09:56

The tenancy is in both our names, I will have to get that changed. Yes we are married and he's on both birth certificates. He got our first son registered in his home country also so he also has a birth certificate from there. His passport is safe. Thank you workingbling that's reassuring.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 09:59

@parker231 it sounds pathetic but have tried now for a year and a half to stop him and it is a nightmare. He can act all nice and come in like all is fine and I just give up sometimes. I've tried talking, arguing, mediation, banning him and somehow he always sneaks back in and once he's in I just can't face the hell of trying to even talk about it. I am going to put my foot down now it can't go on.

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 06/01/2018 10:00

@Nursejackie1 is the tenancy agreement in joint names or just your name? If joint he does have a ‘right’ (but not morally) to enter the home. If it is joint I would get that changed so he can’t just come in.

Do get a contact order arranged so you know where you both stand. He needs to step up and start parenting. He sounds unreasonable and court could be your only option to agree contact. You can represent yourself. It costs £215 for you to apply.

NotDavidTennant · 06/01/2018 10:03

He got our first son registered in his home country also so he also has a birth certificate from there.

I would be concerned that this means he could apply for a passport from his own country for you son.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 10:05

And also because I am on my own with the kids 24/7 and literally can't do a thing without the baby crying as he is in such a clingy phase that by the time he does turn up its easy to give in just to have someone sit with them and let me wash up or whatever. Although to be honest I'm still running round making bottles up and having at least one of the kids hanging off me when he's there. It's like I have to beg for a bit of time to do things and usually he will say no. I wouldn't need to ask if he had his time with them away from me but it's just impossible to get him to agree and like I say I haven't got the funds to pay for legal stuff but I'm gonna have to find a way.

OP posts:

Frouby · 06/01/2018 10:05

First get him off the tenancy agreement. Then ask him to agree to set contact times out of your home. If he refuses then he has to take you to court.

Make sure you are the resident parent who can have the dcs brought back if he decided not to. Am not sure of the legal term.

And set about getting a divorce asap. Tie up all the loose ends and move on with your life. This set up is no good for you or your dcs.

RandomMess · 06/01/2018 10:06

Just stop contact and let him take you to court.

Put it in writing "we had mediation to arrange a fixed contact schedule that you refused to stick to, this is not in the best interests of the DC and I will not agree to it anymore. I will no longer support contact being on my home"

If he takes you to court he'll only get fixed contact! Get an occupation order for the house if you can't get him off the tenancy. Notify the authorities that you are worried about abduction.

Can he get a passport for the DC in his home country? Again flight risk is another reason to refuse contact and make him use s contact centre for it!

Speak to woman's aid ASAP this man is still abusing you

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 10:08

@Northern spirit thanks it looks like that is what I will do. I will apply asap. I need to stop being a mug I know.
Thanks for pointing that out @notdavidtennat I hadn't thought of that. Shit.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 06/01/2018 10:12

Try and get the passport sorted as khalliwall said. You need them on your procession or outside the family home so that he can't apply for them and then do a flit with the kids.

NorthernSpirit · 06/01/2018 10:20

@Randommess - ‘just stop contact’ I shudder when I hear this.

No doubt this can’t continue and it’s not right for the mum. But the children have a right to see their dad (albeit not in his terms) and i’m sure the dad misses them. What if the shoe was on the other foot and the other parent stopped you seeing your kids - you wouldn’t like it.

You need to do what works for both of you. Get a court ordered agreement.

UnitedKungdom · 06/01/2018 10:24

This is dangerous territory. You need to get them passports to keep safe yourself. I'd also get a solicitor immediately and start the process for proper and suitable contact, and also see if you can get some order that stops him taking them out of the country.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 10:41

Does anybody know what sort of evidence the court will want to prove that him abducting them is a valid concern? I haven't really got anything solid like threats or anything but I just don't trust his logic, I don't feel like he is able to see what's best for the kids due to his self absorbed ways and he is hell bent on making me suffer for splitting get up with him. I just do not trust him.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/01/2018 11:01

@NorthernSpirit stop contact as it is now. Say no to the current arrangements.

Of course if he commits to regular times collects and returns all is fine. If he were reasonable and not abusive he'd be doing that already wouldn't he...

Poshindevon · 06/01/2018 14:42

The children do have tight to see their father but under agreed conditions. As mediation has failed you can refuse contact so that your husband has to go to court to apply for acess.
Remove his name from the tenancy agreement and change the locks.
Your husband has registered your child in his own country without your permission. He could therefore apply for a passport at any time. In many countries the father has all rights to his children and the threat of abduction is high. This is what you need to convey to the solicitor.
Is your husband paying child maintenance, if not why not?

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