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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can my ex get court to agree to taking child and baby abroad?

46 replies

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 00:01

I split with my ex due to EA when I was pregnant with second DS. They are now 5 and 1 years old. Since splitting up my ex has never agreed to looking after the kids on set days or for a few hours, he always see's the kids in my house and its whenever he wants. He uses alot of the time he spends at my house criticising the house, the food I have ever bought and the way I do things. When I need to do something such as go shopping, most of the time he suddenly has to rush off. He spent Christmas with me and my family, often joins in on our days out etc. In fact I feel like a single parent doing all the hard work with no break but still having him hanging around me.
He announced one day when my baby was 7 months old that he was booking a holiday for him and the kids to see his family in the country he is from on the other side of the world. I obviously said no you do not separate a baby from its mother and take the kids that far away from their primary care giver especially when you do no actual parenting when here. He reckon he has rights, I am stopping his family from having a relationship with the kids. I have offered to go with them and be in the background of need be. I have a good relationship with his family and spend time chatting to them sending pics all the time and am happy to be with the kids to visit them. He said he doesn't want to be around me which is surprising because here he can't seem to be with her kids without me. My life is imposed on by him constantly under the guise that it's for the kids. I fail to see how the kids would benefit being taken that far away from me in a country they don't understand the language while they are so young and my youngest is a super clingy baby that gets distressed if im in the loo for a couple of minutes let alone being taken abroad without me.
The country he is from does not take much notice of the haight convention and I am petrified there is a small chance of him not bringing them back. I would put nothing past him.
So now he reckons he's taking me to court. Does he have a chance of this being granted? What can I do to ensure it doesn't? We are seperated with no plans for divorce yet. Should I go for a residency order? Any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 18:30

You have all been really helpful so thanks. I am going to sort out the divorce Asap, have emailed him about contact arrangements and will apply for a child arrangement order. I have bought a diary to log all contact from now on as proof if he takes me to court. I will no way allow him to leave the country with them.

OP posts:

Greensky70 · 06/01/2018 18:44

I don't think you will be granted an arragments order because the children already live with you.
You could get a prohibited steps order but they are expensive.

How did he register the first born with out your permission?
Isn't that fraud?
I thought you would have to be there or at least sign something.

Fionne · 06/01/2018 18:45

There is currently a high profile case going on in the uk where a British mother lost her 3 children to her husband who had registered their births in his country of origin. The children are now in that country with their fathers family whilst their father is in jail (again) the UK. He was arrested for the first time on board an aircraft when he flew back to talk to the children’s mother. The children’s Mum hasn’t seen them for years, and her father was actually put under house arrest when the husbands father had him arrested in a neighbouring country.

This is what you have to be careful of Jackie.

Fionne · 06/01/2018 18:46

How did he register the first born with out your permission?

It’s very easy to do.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 18:58

He registered my first born to his country when we were still together 5 years ago and at the time I didn't object to it. Sorry if my post looked like he did it without my permission but at the time I had no concerns so let him get on with it. I was all for my child growing up with opportunities due to his dual nationality but didn't know it would end up like this 😕

OP posts:

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 06/01/2018 19:02

Thank Fionne. I'm going to check that out. Very scary, how awful for that poor mother and kids. Its useful to know as I can do all I can now to prevent it happening to us.

OP posts:

UnitedKungdom · 06/01/2018 20:13

OP it's very common. My DH has been barrister on a number of international kidnapping cases and we used to live in an Asian country that was not a Hague Convention signee where he did pro bono cases too. It's a fucking nightmare so make sure you've everything possible in place if you think there's any possibility of him taking the kids. Even if you think there isn't a possibility.

mentat · 08/01/2018 10:05

From what you have written, it sounds like it is unlikely that you will be able to prove in the court that abduction is a risk. Abduction is quite a grave allegation. If the father is employed / renting in the UK, the court is likely to take a view that the father is settled here, and won't jeopardise his life.
The absence of regular overnight contact is important, no reasonable judge will allow holiday in this circumstances.

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 09/01/2018 22:55

Thank you. Also I'm assuming the age of my 1 year old and issues around separation from the primy care giver being detrimental to him will be significant? He's too young to be taken away from me and to add to that be in an unfamiliar environment with no way of understanding any of it. It would be so stressful for him and I know my 5 year old he wouldn't like being away either.

OP posts:

Missonihoni · 09/01/2018 22:57

Sorry I am struggling to see why your running a drop in centre/contact centre for your children's dad.

To come round watch your tv and eat your food.

Are you serious ?

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 09/01/2018 23:03

@missonihoni I know, I have made efforts to stop it before, mediation etc, but it always ends up back at square one. He's very good at sneaking back in, and he's ground me down for years I cannot face talking to him about anything it's like entering the gates of hell, his logic is unreal. I've put my foot down now after him threatening court etc and yes I should have done it since the beginning. I do appreciate your comment, it's reinforced how ridiculous it all is. He's got an amazing talent for making me feel like I'm a complete bitch when I ask for set days but I'm determined to sort it out properly now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 09/01/2018 23:05

He lived in his van for almost a year after we split up when there was absolutely no need. Those are the lengths he will go to to manipulate and play the victim.

OP posts:

Missonihoni · 09/01/2018 23:13

I hope you can Stand up for yourself and your children. You sound lovely and kind unfortunately your wasting your kidness on the wrong person.

All the best x

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 09/01/2018 23:16

Thank you! Enough is enough, I will stand my ground now X

OP posts:

NapQueen · 09/01/2018 23:22

Could you ask him to text or call when he is 15mins away and have the dcs dressed and on the doorstep with you waiting for his arrival? Door firmly locked behind you, hand them over "see you in four hours" and walk away?

Original poster

Nursejackie1 · 09/01/2018 23:44

To be honest I've tried that sort of thing before and he will arrive then mess about in his car while baby is crying in my arms for 15 minutes and that sort of thing. So it vecomes an argument. Then turn up later or like he had every right to drop by. Every little thing is a power struggle. But yes I've emailed him something similar and I'm just going to have to persevere with it however difficult he makes it.

OP posts:

DistantMan · 10/01/2018 03:51

Gosh this sounds like a real ordeal you're going through. If you can't afford legal advice then isn't there legal aid available? Sounds like a lot of opinions being offered but you need solid legal advice. Def get that divorce sorted also any evidence you have of his behaviour/threats - emails and texts/ voice messages, make sure you keep them recorded otherwise it's just your word against his. You need to have a strong case.

So sorry to hear things have gone this way. Really hope it works out amicable as poss. All the best.

SD1978 · 10/01/2018 04:00

There are a few things. One he actually had to take it to court- many people (men) threaten court action but don’t actually follow through. Then it possibly depends. If he can demonstrate having a relationship with the children, the judge may decide to allow it. Usually, they will asses how big (if any) of a flight risk they believe the parent is. Is it a Hague convention county? Some orders won’t allow children to visit any country other than one that adheres to The Hague convention, as whilst still a long precession, it’s easier to get kids back from one a country that does aknowledge it. It sounds like there are a few hints you need to do, before he starts. Divorce, if it’s been long enough, get him off the tenancy, and start mediation/court for proper documented set down access. If you genuinely believe he’s a flight risk with your child, you can always add them to the no fly list so that their names would be flagged upon trying to leave the country.

Notallthat · 10/01/2018 04:09

I wouldn't alert him to the fact you are thinking like this yet, he only sees the children at yours with you present which currently is keeping them safe, particularly the older one given the passport concerns. See a solicitor to get a prohibited steps order, legal aid is only available if there has been domestic violence and the victim needs to have contacted police or doctor etc. Once he has been advised court action is being taken he cannot take the children out the country without permission from the court. Start gathering evidence now that he has broken mediation agreements, never has them overnight or away from you etc.

AstridWhite · 10/01/2018 04:38

He reckon he has rights, I am stopping his family from having a relationship with the kids.

Does he, now? Well he's welcome to buy them a plane ticket to come here.

Yes he has rights. Unfortunately none of them include the right to take his children out of the country without your permission.

Just stop being so compliant and put some firm boundaries in place. If he doesn't want to play fair then he can fuck off. His choice.

I urge you to get passports for your DC (if they don’t have them already), leave the passports with a trusted relative then see a solicitor.

I cannot stress enough what fantastic advice this is. Please, please do it straight away. Do not underestimate what some men are prepared to do in order to get their children away from their mother and into a country where she has no rights and no chance of getting them back. And it would seem that it's very easy to fake information on passports or get fake passports. You HAVE to put all the protective measures in place that you can.

sashh · 10/01/2018 04:55

His passport is safe.

If he is registered in another country your STBX could get him a passport from his home country.

Go to court to arrange visits and have something put in place to stop your ex taking the kids out of the country. Keep a diary of when he turns up, is late etc,

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