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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Washed his hands of us

30 replies

mustbemad17 · 29/12/2017 21:47

Some of you might recall a few posts I have done regarding my now ex. We were living together, planned this baby, everything seemed okay...until he walked out on us. He's been practically NC since; declined to come to the scan, hasn't bothered with anything to do with the pregnancy.

I messaged him today - it's been doing my head in wondering just how much on my own i'm going to be. I simply asked him to be honest with me about what he sees happening when the baby is born, and to please just tell me if him & his family have washed their hands of us.

Turns out he has 😔 He wants nothing to do with us. That's it. Although I expected it, it feels like someone has kicked me in the gut. I've told him I won't contact him again, I have no need, but I will be going through CMS when the baby arrives.

I've not had to do any of that before, am wondering if someone can just help me get my head straight (currently panicking about all sorts). He obviously won't be going on the BC, but I know I can claim maintainence still. I have no home address for him & he won't willingly give me one...can I claim using his work info?

It probably sounds silly panicking about this now - i'm not quite 20 weeks. But knowing that he has no intention to step up, I feel like I need to have some info behind me.

OP posts:

Dancinggoat · 29/12/2017 21:56

I'm so sorry you've been treated like this. I don't have any advice to help you but am amazed that his whole family can walk away from you and their grandchild. Why do people act like this .

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 29/12/2017 22:09

It's sad isn't it? I'm still truly baffled in honesty, things were (so i thought) going really well, we had plans. He has an amazing relationship with his two adult kids, he even still visits the two kids he brought up from a previous relationship; still on good terms with his ex wife, his previous girlfriends. I don't get what i've done to make him walk away...and he hasn't even asked about my DD, who adored him. It's like i'm seeing a whole new personality 😔

I feel so guilty bringing this baby into the world knowing s/he won't have a father around. But I couldn't have terminated even when he left, i'd never forgive myself

OP posts:

BubblesPip · 30/12/2017 07:47

I’m so sorry you’re going through this Honestly though, you’ll manage and it will be so so rewarding.
As for CMS, I’m pretty sure you can give a full name and DOB and they can do the rest

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 30/12/2017 09:36

Thanks Bubbles - those bits of info i can provide 🙂 Now i've slept i'm not panicking so much. Still feel stupidly deflated even tho i knew deep down what was coming

OP posts:

Vada83 · 30/12/2017 11:06

I know it might not seem like this now but you are the lucky one. For an adult man to walk away from the women who has has got pregnant is disgusting. I’m sure if you think about the way he is behaving you wouldn’t want someone like that in your life nor your child. Class yourself lucky that you know this now. Be strong and try and enjoy this time without him. You deserve more and so does your baby. Your worth more then the way he has treated you.

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 30/12/2017 15:12

Thank you Vada. I think i'm still struggling tbh with the whole concept, so it's clouding everything. My DD doesn't see her dad for similar reasons because she definitely does deserve better; i need to get round to the same thinking with this baby

OP posts:

Rainbowmother · 30/12/2017 15:57

I think you could drive yourself crazy wondering what it is about you that was different.

It's very cruel and odd.

I have known women to give heir ex's work address via HR / accounts department

Figgygal · 30/12/2017 16:01

Any mutual friends you can get address from?
Is he much older than you?

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 30/12/2017 16:25

Thanks Rainbow that's perfect as I know where he works.

Figgy the only mutual friend we have is the one who set us up...and he doesn't talk to me now 😂
Yeah there's 16 years between us.

I'm shocked tho; he's messaged this morning to say he does want to be involved he just can't face me.

OP posts:

Rainbowmother · 31/12/2017 22:42

He can't keep moving the goalposts. You'll be in for a lifetime of not knowing what's next

Starlight2345 · 01/01/2018 06:11

I would reply I will let you know when baby is born you don’t need this stress. My worry is he has responded this way because you said. You win’t Contact him again. He wants you to chase him . Focus doing it on your own.

feral · 01/01/2018 06:47

Sorry you're going through this OP.

He can't face you because he feels bad for what he's done

He can't face you because he just doesn't want to see you!?

Either way he's a coward.

feral · 01/01/2018 06:47

Sorry I have i idea where that emoji came front!

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 01/01/2018 10:13

Rainbow that's my thought, i feel like i have emotional whiplash! I've already decided after this that i'm witholding his name from the BC, so he can't piss us around so much. If he proves he can be a decent dad then he can be added later, but I feel like I need some element of control.

I haven't bothered replying, i'm letting him stew for a bit. Feral i'm still trying to fathom that out. He told me we deserve better, but tbh I don't believe a word he says anymore, he's just trying to get me back on side. I think when he left he expected me to chase him, to beg him back...he took most of his things with him but left a few of his tops that I loved to wear. He left some of his spray that I loved. And it wasn't that he had missed them, they were deliberately left. I bagged them all up & told him they needed collecting!

Thank you all, it's good to be able to vent & get outside views. Happy New Year to you all xx

OP posts:

bluejelly · 01/01/2018 10:30

So sorry to hear. But maybe it's a blessing in a way. You know from the start that he won't be involved. You and your baby can build a strong independent life without being constantly let down or messed around by a flaky man. You get to parent your way. And the coast is clear for you to meet someone wonderful further down the track.

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 01/01/2018 10:38

Think i'll be putting a firm hold on relationships 😂 This is my second in ten years & altho I have got my two kids to be thankful for, all the relationships have brought otherwise has been heartache!!

OP posts:

Vada83 · 01/01/2018 14:49

You and your children deserve more then this. He didn’t and isn’t meeting the needs of your child nor you and nor will he with your baby. You can’t change him and you can’t change the past but you can change what happens from now and in the future. His behaviour has nothing to do with you he just isn’t a good person. It’s very difficult struggling with being a mother and being pregnant. Sometimes we settle for the rubbish that is available then the feeling of rejection and loneliness alone but you and your children are worth more then the little he has to offer. Cut him off completely and it will get better and you will get through this and once you do you will see that cutting him off completely was the best thing you did.
Keep strong x

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 01/01/2018 15:15

Thank you Vada

OP posts:

MotherofaSurvivor · 07/01/2018 03:24

Pm me OP. Been in same boat for past two years!
Also have become more or less a 'CMS Expert!'

Coyoacan · 07/01/2018 04:21

I'm glad you have decided not to put him on the BC.

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 07/01/2018 09:37

Mother thank you I will do!

Coyo i feel like a horrible person but after being messed around by my DD's dad i just don't have the energy to fight if he legally messes me around

OP posts:

MotherofaSurvivor · 07/01/2018 11:57

Dancinggoat Same has happened here with me. His entire family have walked away from my daughter and I after a year of being in her life. It's a lot more common than you think. Happened to a friend 13 years ago too. Never imagined I'd be in same position :( x

MotherofaSurvivor · 07/01/2018 12:02

Just my personal opinion regarding putting him on the birth certificate... If he is even willing to come to registry office (which he has to if he wants to be put on it) then I personally would do. It isn’t a privilege for him, it’s about your child having confirmation on paper of who their Father is. Yes he gets parental responsibility but chances are he won’t even bother! If he does and he harasses you or becomes awkward, you can always get a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent him from removing him/her from your Care. So if he does run off with the child, the order enables police to arrest him, despite him being on birth certificate.

Original poster

mustbemad17 · 07/01/2018 12:19

Mother my issues with that is how hard it is to get things in place. I had so much heartache & hassle with my DD's dad playing the PR card & being powerless to do anything. My solicitor basically told me unless I can prove he was going to withhold her I couldn't get anything in place.

My child will always know who her/his dad is, i don't ever want to be the reason my child doesn't know their paternal family. I just want to protect them from the emotional rollercoaster i'm currently on

OP posts:

Coyoacan · 07/01/2018 12:49

MotherofaSurvivor

You don't need a piece of paper from the government to know who your father is.

I didn't put my ex on my dd's birth cert. That was the only thing I did against him, actually. I always facilitated contact and she is away on holiday with him as we write.

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