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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Troubles with ex at 39 weeks pregnant

75 replies

user1494270143 · 16/12/2017 17:54

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and would love to know how you coped with a self centred arse hole (excuse my language 😂)

I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my ex, I told him straight away and he gave me a lot of verbal abuse told me I was ruining his life, he hated me, wanted an abortion blah blah blah.

I decided to keep the baby and said I’m happy to do it on my own and understood if he chose to walk away. I wanted it to come from a genuine place if he was going to be a dad!! Couple months later he gets a new job and moves away.... (a good 5 hours away aswell)

He kept getting in contact randomly, I think he was just confused at what he wanted. But I cut it off as it wasn’t doing me any good always guessing where his head was at, none of his friends or family knew and I needed to concentrate on my baby and looking forward to the future.

I’ve saved my arse off for the baby, and done everything by myself. Invited him to the scans but yes you guessed it he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t be there! Said it wasn’t his “thing”.

He then had a change of heart it seemed and was begging to be in mine and the babies life. Said he’d prioritise us and not his job, he’d move back home and make it all up to me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said I will try and put the past behind us if he could prove he was going to be the best dad to my son. I wasn’t interested in rekindling anything with him.

But now all he seems to do is make me feel rubbish, never asks how I am, his family now know (only until a few weeks ago) but none of them have been in touch, he said he can’t guarantee he will be free because of work when the babies born, and said he will be home a couple of days a month to see him on weekends. I just feel so disappointed.

I told him the other day I want the baby to have my last name as he hasn’t proven to be there or do anything, not bought the baby anything or anything. And he’s kicked off saying he will be fuming if the baby doesn’t have his last name as it means a lot to him, I explained also he won’t be on the birth certificate until he’s proved himself.

I just don5 know how to compromise as he says he wants us to forget about the past and for me to stop being angry and stubborn (his words) but I can’t help it as I’m still hurt from everything that’s happened.

Can anyone shed some light or just tell me how I should go on with him. I want to be civil I really do and hate all of the tension. I could have the baby any day really and it’s just not clicked for him. 😞 I want to enjoy my last few weeks of being pregnant!

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 18/12/2017 11:45

Totally agree with above poster @ThisLittleKitty.

How would you like it if your children moved away, you had no say in it and it limited contact?

When mothers move away it usually means dads only get EOW or even less. You wouldn’t like it if your children were ripped away from you and contact was limited.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/12/2017 11:52

It's like fathers are not suppose to care?! It's sad really. All I'm hearing about is the mothers wants and needs in this situation not the child's and I'm sure any child would rather be closer to their father than moved miles away growing up without them. Oh well as long as the mother gets her way I suppose that's all that matters .

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 12:35

Would you like someone to take your child miles away from you just because they can? No thought not
There are some fathers who couldn't care less about their kids and never see them but like to play havoc when the mother has opportunities.

Kitty
You need to open your eyes.

Just because you haven't experienced this, it doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 12:37

When mothers move away it usually means dads only get EOW or even less. You wouldn’t like it if your children were ripped away from you and contact was limited
I am talking about the kind of fathers who play no part in their child's life other than stopping the mother moving on.

If the OP finds that the father steps up then she could support him in gaining PR but to put him on the BC and give him PR straight away is going to cause problems down the line.

Starlight2345 · 18/12/2017 17:54

My ex registered my ds's birth but we were married and I was too ill to go . Ds has not seen his dad in 7 years . Guess what he could rock up a demand his rights to make decisions about a child he doesn't know .
As this man has changed his mind numerous times about what he wants no I wouldn't put him on bc or give him his surname regardless . It is far easier if your dc has same name as you as rp .

I really don't know why people think putting names on birth certificate is the only way children know who there dad are .

If he drops out again it gives you the chance to make all the decisions without an absent parent been able to influence

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 17:58

It is different if you are married as the father gets PR automatically.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 18/12/2017 19:00

@thislittlekitty
I'm sorry but did you miss this in the opening post
'I decided to keep the baby and said I’m happy to do it on my own and understood if he chose to walk away. I wanted it to come from a genuine place if he was going to be a dad!! Couple months later he gets a new job and moves away.... (a good 5 hours away as well)'
and
' he said he can’t guarantee he will be free because of work when the babies born, and said he will be home a couple of days a month to see him on weekends.'
It seems he's not exactly stepping up now, maybe he will when the baby is born. Until then they are not married and the OP is totally within her legal rights not to put him on the birth cert.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/12/2017 20:04

Doesn't matter what the op says.
It's a legal document and the father if known (which he is) should be named on there but once again mothers playing tit for tat with their children's lives. It's the child who suffers.

Starlight2345 · 18/12/2017 20:31

This littleKitty.

I would agree if it didn't attach PR by naming dad. You also miss the point he won't really get option as he will only be up every few weeks on the weekend so unlikely to be around for registering.

travelling abroad for me to certain countries is out as I can't get consent and as he was abusive not going to go looking..

Starlight2345 · 18/12/2017 20:33

How on earth does the child suffer..She is not denying him access, just if he wants to be part of the decision making process does need to prove he wants to be there as he has already walked away twice and baby isn't even born yet/

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 20:34

It's the child who suffers
Actually the father can step up whether he is on the BC or not.

I am not sure if you are incredibly stupid or insensitive and have no empathy but you seem to have no idea about just how far some deadbeat fathers will go to ruin the lives of their children and their mothers, just because they can.

Thehogfather · 18/12/2017 21:04

kitty how would you feel if I started telling you how you should have handled your situation based on my exs behaviour? Judging you for enabling parental rights/ access/ involvement when clearly they are a danger to the child. Telling you that you are more interested in being chummy with your ex than your children's welfare by enabling his pr. Telling you he's a tax dodging twat who doesn't pay maintanence. I imagine you wouldn't be impressed because surprisingly fathers aren't a homogenous group who all behave and parent to the same standards. So why are you judging ops situation based on yours?

ClareB83 · 18/12/2017 21:21

OP my friend, not me, had a similar situation. Found out she was pregnant just after breaking up with a guy. He flip flopped about wanting to be involved.

She then had the baby very prematurely and baby was in hospital a long time. The father didn't visit while baby was critical, because he didn't see the point.

When the baby got a bit better he did visit a few times. But would want to follow my friend around more than spend time with the baby. He'd smoke, knowing that meant he couldn't hold the baby for a couple of hours (baby was on oxygen still). He was generally a waste of space.

My friend didn't put him on BC, gave baby her surname and eventually told him that if he wanted to visit he'd need to go through a solicitor. She said she wouldn't oppose visits but she wanted it on a proper footing. She knew this extra step would put him off and stop the annoying pointless visits.

She was right. He hasn't been involved since.

If he ever turns good, she'll let him see DC and she can tell DC who he is, but she's saved her self and her child potential headaches.

Also as the child of a useless father I would have much preferred to just have my mothers maiden name, since she and her family raised me. When she went back to her maiden name I was an adult and I changed my name too. It felt like it should always have been my name.

DancingLedge · 18/12/2017 22:27

doesn't matter what the OP says.

So you read someone's thread, about their heartfelt dilemma, whilst at a quite vunerable moment in their life, and your response is " doesn't matter what the OP says".

Is this the response of an adult human being? You should be ashamed.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 22:30

So you read someone's thread, about their heartfelt dilemma, whilst at a quite vunerable moment in their life, and your response is " doesn't matter what the OP says"
I think also that the poster cannot understand anything outside their own experience.

For example, she didn't have any problems with the father of her kids so therefore every father must be the same.

Nuts, absolutely crazy.

Solasum · 18/12/2017 22:35

I think the best thing to do surname wise is to use both, unhyphenated, with yours first. It has worked very well for us so far. And where necessary you can just use your name.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 22:41

I think the best thing to do surname wise is to use both, unhyphenated, with yours first
I don't agree.

There is no need to use his name at all other than to pander to what he wants.

JaneEyre70 · 18/12/2017 22:54

I think you sound like you've given him a lot of fair chances already by the sound of it, and he's basically stuck 2 fingers at you for it. Do what you feel is best for your baby - he's not involved in that decision through his choice alone.

ThisLittleKitty · 19/12/2017 10:15

Fathers should be named on the bc if known unless violent. I get this is a lone parents group and the majority will be women so you will be biased. Why shouldn't a father have PR? It's half his child aswell.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 19/12/2017 10:46

OP I hope you take the excellent advice and wait to see if your child biological male progenitor actually steps up before putting him on the birth certificate.

Anyone can have sex and become that. It takes effort and commitment to be ‘Dad’.

ClareB83 · 19/12/2017 11:14

@ThisLittleKitty Are you really so naive to think violence is the only harm that can be done? You have tunnel vision on this issue, it's quite bizarre.

ThisLittleKitty · 19/12/2017 19:08

Bizarre to think a father should be named on the child's birth certificate... Ok then.

Thehogfather · 19/12/2017 19:24

kitty why do you persist in thinking your experience, your situation and your ex are the only experience of lone parenting there is?

BlackeyedSusan · 19/12/2017 22:08

give the child your surname as you will be doing the majority of the parenting.

she can not register him if he is not there either.

Viviennemary · 19/12/2017 22:17

I don't think he should be causing you all this stress when you're a week away from giving birth. If he has form for being difficult then I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. And fuming when the baby won't have his last name. Who is he to decide that. Why give him any more control over you. Just don't. There is no legal obligation to put a father on the birth certificate in your position.

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