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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Troubles with ex at 39 weeks pregnant

75 replies

user1494270143 · 16/12/2017 17:54

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and would love to know how you coped with a self centred arse hole (excuse my language 😂)

I fell pregnant unexpectedly with my ex, I told him straight away and he gave me a lot of verbal abuse told me I was ruining his life, he hated me, wanted an abortion blah blah blah.

I decided to keep the baby and said I’m happy to do it on my own and understood if he chose to walk away. I wanted it to come from a genuine place if he was going to be a dad!! Couple months later he gets a new job and moves away.... (a good 5 hours away aswell)

He kept getting in contact randomly, I think he was just confused at what he wanted. But I cut it off as it wasn’t doing me any good always guessing where his head was at, none of his friends or family knew and I needed to concentrate on my baby and looking forward to the future.

I’ve saved my arse off for the baby, and done everything by myself. Invited him to the scans but yes you guessed it he always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t be there! Said it wasn’t his “thing”.

He then had a change of heart it seemed and was begging to be in mine and the babies life. Said he’d prioritise us and not his job, he’d move back home and make it all up to me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and said I will try and put the past behind us if he could prove he was going to be the best dad to my son. I wasn’t interested in rekindling anything with him.

But now all he seems to do is make me feel rubbish, never asks how I am, his family now know (only until a few weeks ago) but none of them have been in touch, he said he can’t guarantee he will be free because of work when the babies born, and said he will be home a couple of days a month to see him on weekends. I just feel so disappointed.

I told him the other day I want the baby to have my last name as he hasn’t proven to be there or do anything, not bought the baby anything or anything. And he’s kicked off saying he will be fuming if the baby doesn’t have his last name as it means a lot to him, I explained also he won’t be on the birth certificate until he’s proved himself.

I just don5 know how to compromise as he says he wants us to forget about the past and for me to stop being angry and stubborn (his words) but I can’t help it as I’m still hurt from everything that’s happened.

Can anyone shed some light or just tell me how I should go on with him. I want to be civil I really do and hate all of the tension. I could have the baby any day really and it’s just not clicked for him. 😞 I want to enjoy my last few weeks of being pregnant!

OP posts:

MotherofaSurvivor · 17/12/2017 15:48

STOP using your child's rights as a weapon! Him being on the birth certificate is not a privilege for HIM it is a RIGHT of your CHILDs!!!!!

MotherofaSurvivor · 17/12/2017 15:51

He has EVERY LEGAL RIGHT to have 50% Parental Responsibility to that child! Hence the LAW!!!! His behaviour is immaterial!

He can take you to court to be put on birth certificate and given PR. If you don't turn up there will be a warrant for your arrest. Brutal but true

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 15:55

Do not put the father on the BC, it will give him PR and more rights over your son.

If he wants to he can go to court and ask for those rights any way but it is a question of whether he would be bothered.

Don't make your life harder by needing his permission for decisions in the future.

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 15:56

BCs do not say "father unknown", the father's section is just left blank, big difference.

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 16:06

For all of you who say to put the father's name on the BC, do you actually know that since 2003 this has given fathers parental responsibility (PR).

Do you fully understand the consequences of this?

Thehogfather · 17/12/2017 16:09

Helpful mother . Ignore it op, nobody is arresting you, and if it got to summons stage then you'd get qualified legal advice, so don't make decisions based on ungrounded threats from random internet posters.

If he's that determined to be an involved part of the babies life then I can't imagine op will object to his involvement or to him being named. But no way should anyone enable someone to have legal rights to their child when said person isn't behaving in a manner which indicates they will put the child's needs first.

I'll support the moral right of fathers to 50% of the parent responsibility just as soon as they have a legal duty to support 50% of the burden, from early pregnancy to the child being an independent adult. Rather than the only legal duty being the feeble maintenance enforced on paye non payers.

If ops ex was acting like a decent involved father, or if he does when the baby is born then I'm sure she'll rethink.

ScrabbleFiend · 17/12/2017 16:11

All this you should put him in the BC, she can't, he has to be there which it doesn't sound like he will. As someone raising a child alone I'd highly recommend giving the child your name OP, it will make life easier in a lot of areas and won't be so confusing for your child should he bugger off which sounds quite likely. He can apply for PR if he wants it. Try not to stress about these details too much right now though, focus on preparing for the birth for now. I hope you have some practical help lined up for the early days as you'll probably need it. Batch cook and freeze as many meals as you can before the birth would be my advice otherwise you'll spend 6 months eating sandwiches like me.. Good luck

FeckTheMagicDragon · 17/12/2017 16:16

Was his problem less about the birth certificate and more about him not having his surname? If so, even if he was on the birth cert baby should (IMHO) still have your name as you will be the main carer and will have him the majority of the time. Travelling with your child, passports, registering at school or doctors - all so much more straight forward. I was married and really wish that they’d had my name.

ThisLittleKitty · 17/12/2017 18:47

Yes I know all about what being on the BC means. My ex is on my kids BC guess what even AFTER we broke up I put him on there, because it's not a weapon as others have said. It's my child's legal document and regardless of whether it's unknown or a line it's equals the same thing. Oh and guess what again my oldest is 6 and I've never had to ask my ex permission for anything!

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 17/12/2017 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThisLittleKitty · 17/12/2017 18:55

Clearly not... Good enough to jump in bed with and good enough to make a baby with but not good enough to go on the BC Hmm.

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 18:58

Kitty
Just because you have not had to ask your ex for permission, it doesn't mean that is the same for everyone.

Please realise that other people have different experiences to each other.

ThisLittleKitty · 17/12/2017 19:03

So what my opinion still stands. Unless he's a danger he should go on.
It's being implied you will constantly need to ask permission for things, which isn't true.

Thesecondtoast · 17/12/2017 19:22

It's not your birth certificate, it's the child's. Having 'father unknown' isn't nice for the child. He is the father, it isn't fair on the child to deny that fact. Give the child your surname though, children should always have their mother's name, it makes life easier for both mother and child.

chiaseeddisapointmentagain · 17/12/2017 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thehogfather · 17/12/2017 19:51

My dd is 14, not 6, and I'm more than confident I made the right decision not to name her father on the bc. His lack of parental right is an outright blessing, and yet I've always been able to give her any answers/ details she wants, whilst leaving out the bad stuff about him becoming a twat. Her only loss is that he doesn't get a legal right to demonstrate his twat like qualities to her in person and generally fuck up her life.

chia ever heard the saying that it is better to keep quiet and be considered a fool than it is to open it and confirm it?

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 19:54

Birth certificates do not say FATHER UNKNOWN, that section is left blank.

PersianCatLady · 17/12/2017 19:56

Kitty
You obviously have not had problems with your child's father, some people do.

For example, they can't move out of the area if the father doesn't agree.

Some fathers actually enjoy causing difficulty to the mother of their children

DancingLedge · 17/12/2017 21:06

I've seldom read such a load of old rubbish as on this thread.

The MRA sympathisers here haven't even bothered to read the OP.
The father here didn't want a baby. He wanted a termination.

Change of heart? Well fine, let him step up, and let's see if he can behave as a father. Which the OP is quite willing for him to do.

All this crap about BC. When a child is old enough to see their BC, trust me, they will already know if their father acts like a father. Sees them regularly. If they are a priority in his life, as they should be.Or if he really can't be bothered.
Words on a certificate do NOT a good father make.Its good to tell a child who the NRP is, to fully acknowledge that.You don't have to hand 50% of parental responsibility to someone, in order to acknowledge them to your child as their biological father.Do people never speak to their children, but just hand them legal documents? Of course not, that's absurd.

Those who claim it's a non-resident father's right to be on BC, and has never caused them any problems. You're lucky. Estranged fathers can simply decline to be a parent in contact with their child. Yet, still retain the legal right to say where the child is educated, where the child and mother live, where they can holiday.And they do.

And anyway, as has been pointed out, this is a pretty academic discussion. A non- married father can only be on BC if he is there when birth is registered.

And yes, legally fathers do have rights. Which they can easily obtain by simple legal means .Quite straightforward.
But the act of having to apply serves to weed out those who shout loudly about their rights, but can't be bothered to act as if being a father matters.

You crack on doing what's best for your child, User. You've obviously thought this through.

MilesHuntsWig · 17/12/2017 21:13

Hear hear to dancing. You have thought it through with your first hand experience of the situation and you’re prioritising your child. Good for you.

Now please look after yourself and your child and don’t listen to some of the negative, judgemental posters on here.

laudanum · 17/12/2017 21:19

I definitely wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. If he wants to be a good dad then he needs to prove it, and that INCLUDES being respectful to you and your needs while you are pregnant and raising your child. People separate all the time, and yes much of the time it's bitter, but he doesn't get to just jump in and out of your lives when he feels like it. Make him prove his worth.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 07:23

Thank you Dancing
I was beginning to think that I was fighting a losing battle there, trying to get people to understand just how much of a nightmare it can be to put an argumentative father on the BC.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/12/2017 09:49

Well you should have to ask permission from the other parent if you want to move away with the child as it's their child aswell. People don't think about the children in this situation too busy playing tit for tat with their ex.

PersianCatLady · 18/12/2017 11:26

Well you should have to ask permission from the other parent if you want to move away with the child as it's their child aswell
So mother gets a good job with great opportunities in a different are after being in a low paid job for ages.

New area has better schools and better way of life.

Father decides to say no just because he can.

What the father wants isn't always in the best interests of the child.

ThisLittleKitty · 18/12/2017 11:31

Would you like someone to take your child miles away from you just because they can? No thought not.

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