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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can police or social services..

47 replies

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 11:52

My ex is mentally unwell. A very months back I had a knock on my door from the police, he was wanted by them and they had concerns due to some of the things he told his 'key worker' about me. (That he wants to get "revenge" on me) he is scitzophenic and believes I have done things I haven't. Anyway I told the police I hadn't seen him since January which is the truth. Anyway a month or so later I was contacted by social services as apparently my ex had been sectioned and was again making the same threats so they hospital became concerned so informed ss. They contacted me and was satisfied that I hadn't seen him and closed the case (this was all done over the phone) anyway about 2 weeks ago I had a knock on my door from detectives who wanted to inform me that my ex had been released and to call them if he comes to my house. Last night my ex emailed me, according to my family I am "not allowed" to respond. Can ss and the police ban you from talking to someone? I haven't even decided if I even want to respond but I just can't see how I could be banned from talking to someone. We have kids together. Will he be allowed to see them ever in the future or not? Will ss get involved if he does? Just thinking for the future btw . I have no intentions of him seeing them right now.

OP posts:

Tealdeal747 · 01/10/2017 11:54

Phone ss to ask for advice but legally you aren't banned unless there is a court order and that order would be him being banned from contacting you not the other way round.

Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 11:55

Ss are there to protect your dc and to make sure you do too. Follow their advice - I wouldn't be getting into a conversation with him even by email. .
If he wants to contact you he should see a solicitor or contact Ss for advice himself.

rockshandy · 01/10/2017 11:59

You need to really acknowledge and accept how seriously his threats have been taken by the police and SS and take them as equally seriously yourself.

Don't get hung up on "being banned from talking to someone" as if that is the motivation or intention of SS/police. They are trying to safeguard you and your children.

No, you aren't banned from speaking with him, but if you did it's fair to assume that SS/police will consider that a bad decision that ultimately puts your children at risk.

Starlight2345 · 01/10/2017 12:00

I would call 101 and inform the police if only to alert them he is trying to make contact.

I am not sure about not allowed however the last thing I would be doing is interacting with a man who is seen to be such a danger that you have heard from the police a few times. Any response will encourage more interaction..

I can't answer if he would be allowed but concerns will be logged on SS should it go to court CAFCASS will be involved.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 01/10/2017 12:01

Why would you respond??

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 01/10/2017 12:02

Just tell the police he's trying to make contact with you

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 01/10/2017 12:03

Or what Rockshandy said...

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 12:05

Yeh your all right I know I shouldn't! When the detectives came to my house I was so shocked. I won't respond.

OP posts:

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 01/10/2017 12:07

I'm not SS or the police but to me, you responding to him after several warnings by the police of his threats would indicate that you had poor judgement and might fail to protect your children from this threat. It would set off massive alarm bells. My son does have a SS worker and she would be down on this like a tonne of bricks. Don't do it OP.

Changerofname987654321 · 01/10/2017 12:09

You do need to tell the police that he is contacting you so they can keep you and your children safe.

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 12:16

nocry has a point.

Your Op said

Anyway a month or so later I was contacted by social services as apparently my ex had been sectioned and was again making the same threats so they hospital became concerned so informed ss. They contacted me and was satisfied that I hadn't seen him and closed the case

They closed the case because they eere satisfied you were not in contact with him. They obviously feel that you having contact with him isnt a good thing. So why would you contact him.

You may have kids with him. But he isnt a dad to them. You havent seen him all year, neither have they. He is making threats to hurt you. What good will come from emailing him back? Thats what you need to think about when tempted to email him.

Dont email him just to rebel because your family say you cant. Tbh they are right, in a way. Legally you could contact him. But unless you want to cause yourself lots more pain and problems, you cant.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 12:24

Just to be clear he hasn't ever hurt the children. Towards the end of our relationship he started to have a mental break down, believing his life was fake and no one in it was real (that we were actors) and that people were trying to "set him up" it came to a head when we had a massive argument on New Year's Day and I kicked him out and we spoke on and off in that time but in may I blocked him completely off everything and decided not to have contact with him again. It was in august that the police contacted me for the first time to say he was wanted and that they had done some digging to find out who he was talking about as he was in their words "fixated with the mother of his children" and that he had a "hit list" and apparently I was top of it. So although I hadn't seen him since January we spoke till may. Only over messages.

OP posts:

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 12:33

So when you told the police you hadnt seen him, did you tell them you had spoken to him?

He is mentally unwell. He has a hit list. The fact that he hasnt hurt the kids before, doesnt mean he wont hurt them or you now. He is unwell enough for the police to be concerned.

They asked you to let them know if he comes round. They probably also want to know if he has contacted you.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 01/10/2017 12:33

The mother of his children is top of his hit list... Are you a bit dim that you're still pondering why on earth "everybody" is trying to prevent you contacting him? It's hard to believe this is real, tbh.
If it is; God love your kids. You don't seem capable of making rational decisions to keep them safe.

tribpot · 01/10/2017 12:34

But you surely don't think you're qualified to decide if he's a danger to you or the children? Either now or in the future. I'm glad the police and SS are taking the threat seriously but you must do the same. Hopefully when his illness is better managed, supervised contact might be possible but right now the best thing you can do is stay well away.

Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 12:39

So you acknowledge you are top of his hit list. .
What would hurt you more than physical pain??
If something happened to your dc I would imagine. .
He needs kept away. .
Tell the police.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 12:46

It's just that I've heard of fathers still having contact with their kids even after being violent to the mother. I do not want him to have contact as I said just wondered if he ever would be allowed to in the future. And I've taken the comments on board and certainly won't be replying.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 12:49

And let's be honest loads of women get back with violent partners and even stay with them it's happening all the time. This isn't what I'm suggesting here I'm just wondering for the future as believe it or not my kids do want to see their dad which I know isn't a possibility right now.

OP posts:

Gorgosparta · 01/10/2017 12:49

Op you really dont seem to comprehend the issue.

Fathers do sometimes still get contact. Bit for a variety of reasons. Usually including a lack of evidence or a claim they have changed.

However this man is ill and a danger. The fact that some men get access when they shouldnt, really should prove to you how dangerous he is. That the police and ss are wanting to keep him away.

Put your kids first. Stay away from him, havr no contact and cooperate with the police and ss

Starlight2345 · 01/10/2017 14:31

The reason young children have no say is because they don't understand the consequences of their decisions and they don't have the information they need..

If you said to your kids do you want to see a man who wants to kill me you would obviously get a different answer.

I imagine you are still hoping somewhere in there is the man you fell in love with and thought would be a good dad to your children.

He is clearly very ill and for whatever reason you are top of his hit list.

At this moment in time you don't need to focus on the future. This doesn't include their dad. My Ex with MH problems told me he wanted to kill himself and take my DS with him. It was the last time I ever let him be alone with my DS. For various reasons I stopped contact and he was going to take me to court prior to court date CAFCASS got in touch. They had enough information that she said no contact would happen without a psychiatric assessment. My Ex withdrew from the court case so we never got any further. so whatever happens don't assume he can walk into court and will get access.

Plan your life that he will have no involvement ..

Please also inform the police. ..It has only took 2 weeks out of hospital to contact you. This could escalate...

TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries · 01/10/2017 14:43

Just to be clear he hasn't ever hurt the children.

YET! He is deeply ill and has made credible threats against you, threats serious enough to alarm both SS and the police, neither of whom are known for being easily shocked!

It really doesn't feel like you're hearing what's being said to you here, either by the police or by commenters. No you won't end up in court if you contact him. You might just end up in the GROUND.

You need to consider contact between the two of you, and between his children and him, as permanently over unless and until a credible approach is made to you through the courts.

HE WANTS TO KILL YOU. It would be madness to have any form of contact with him, and I would pass any message you so receive along to any contacts you have at SS or in the police.

Santawontbelong · 01/10/2017 14:48

If you are actually looking for answers to if the system would allow him to see your dc - this was my case -
Eldest 2 x dc had witnessed violence and threatening behaviour towards me and wrote to the judge giving their wishes of not to see df.
Younger 2 were classed as having no bad memories as too young at 4+5 so he got contact to them.
Please don't ever underestimate your ex.

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 01/10/2017 16:10

Oh wow! OP you seem to be in a bit of denial here. The normal response when you hear that you are top of a mentally unwell person's hit list is to ask how you can get a restraining order or some assurances from the police that you will be kept safe. You don't ask if it's true you aren't allowed to contact them. It's worrying that that's where your mind went to. In your shoes I would speak to social services and also perhaps a counsellor.

BlackeyedSusan · 01/10/2017 23:54

thing is, we can see he is dangerous, but op was living with this man and had children with him so her view is fuzzier.

read the objective responses. think carefully about what people are saying. think about what the detectives said. this man is not the man you knew. he is now dangerous and a risk to you.

strartingtotry · 03/10/2017 11:10

To be top of his Hit list is very scary! You should inform the police he has made contact. What did he say in his email? Was it threatening?

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