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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Can police or social services..

47 replies

Dancingfairy · 01/10/2017 11:52

My ex is mentally unwell. A very months back I had a knock on my door from the police, he was wanted by them and they had concerns due to some of the things he told his 'key worker' about me. (That he wants to get "revenge" on me) he is scitzophenic and believes I have done things I haven't. Anyway I told the police I hadn't seen him since January which is the truth. Anyway a month or so later I was contacted by social services as apparently my ex had been sectioned and was again making the same threats so they hospital became concerned so informed ss. They contacted me and was satisfied that I hadn't seen him and closed the case (this was all done over the phone) anyway about 2 weeks ago I had a knock on my door from detectives who wanted to inform me that my ex had been released and to call them if he comes to my house. Last night my ex emailed me, according to my family I am "not allowed" to respond. Can ss and the police ban you from talking to someone? I haven't even decided if I even want to respond but I just can't see how I could be banned from talking to someone. We have kids together. Will he be allowed to see them ever in the future or not? Will ss get involved if he does? Just thinking for the future btw . I have no intentions of him seeing them right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 11:29

No not at all. That's the odd thing. He's message was "do you still have the ps3?" (He gave it to the kids) Very odd for someone who has just been released from a mental hospital, to send me such a casual message. That's why I wanted to respond so he knows how serious the situation is and he can't just message me like nothing's happened. But I won't.

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NoCryLilSoftSoft · 03/10/2017 11:41

Very odd for someone who has just been released from a mental hospital, to send me such a casual message.

Surely you can see how his mind isnt working as a "well" person's would? He is unwell, not thinking healthily. There is nothing odd about that message given the context.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 11:46

Yeh I guess I'm just really not clued up on mental health. I don't know much about it. When I first got with him I just thought he was depressed it quickly became apparent it was more than that but by the point I was already pregnant. He said he has psychosis (so he is aware somewhat). I believe it's more than that and I think it's scitzophenia, but obviously I'm not a doctor.

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Oliversmumsarmy · 03/10/2017 11:49

Whilst in theory you could reply but would you really put your dc and yourself in the firing line by opening up communication.

Ignore and inform the police/ss. If he has made threats against you could you get an injunction against him.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 11:50

He actually said his life is fake. He is being filmed by the bbc, my house is a studio and I record/film him saying things because I'm an actress. I was paid to have his kids all that kind of thing. Towards the end he got so obsessed with it he thought people outside, random strangers were staging events for his benefit (like arguments etc)

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Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 03/10/2017 12:06

...so he knows how serious the situation is
It’s actually you who appears to be struggling with how serious the situation is . Tell the police he’s attempting to contact you and move on.

flutterby12 · 03/10/2017 12:09

Why would you want him to see your children? He sounds very unstable and not somebody I'd want around my DC, if he was their father or not.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 12:18

I don't. That's the point. But surely in the future he will be allowed to see them? He can't be stopped from seeing them permanently over threats he made whilst ill surely? So was just wondering. I don't know why people are determined to say I'm not taking it seriously. Ofcourse I am. It's me who stopped contact.

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NoCryLilSoftSoft · 03/10/2017 12:26

I think people are just concerned that you aren't aware how dangerous this situation potentially is. And it really is. I know you are thinking it's X, he's my children's dad, he wouldn't really hurt me but from personal experience I can assure you that you really don't know what people are capable of. And certainly not when they are mentally unwell. Which he is, despite having been discharged. What you need to be doing is reporting his contact to the police. It doesn't matter that it was a harmless question (you have no idea what his agenda is, he may be using the question as a starting point to gain access to you) report it, and ask the police for advice on staying safe and ask what they can do to ensure your safety. Please don't understand estimate your ex. Women and their children are killed every day by their partner or former partner. I don't wish to scare you and say this is what he is planning, I just want to make you aware of how dangerous this is.

donajimena · 03/10/2017 12:28

Even if he does want contact its not at that stage yet. He does not NEED to ask you for anything. He can apply through the courts. He has no need to contact you. If you open this can of worms you might have your children removed and neither of you will see them.

Moreisnnogedag · 03/10/2017 12:28

He would need to fight for contact in the future. I think in reality he won't. It actually a great deal of 'togetherness' to initiate court to get access. Sadly he may not ever be in a frame of mind where this is possible. If I were you, I would fight access with everything I had and I would never respond. Do you have the social workers details so you can contact them?

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 12:30

Well if it went to court he would likely be given access anyway so not sure why I would have my kids removed?

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NoCryLilSoftSoft · 03/10/2017 12:34

dancing you haven't seen this man since January, he is mentally unwell, has been wanted by the police, has been sectioned and made threats against you, the mother of the children in question. Are you seriously saying a judge will just hand the children over to him? You need to speak to a social worker so they can make this very clear to you how serious this is. You just aren't getting it and nobody here is able to help you get it. You actually don't sound like you want to get it.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 12:40

Basically there is a lot more to it but hard to go into all details on here. He has a child with an ex partner and when he made the threats they were to the mother of his child, that's what I was told. We have children together not just one so i think it's highly likely he isn't referring to me, I informed them it was likely his ex he was referring to but the social worker said she would find out and let me know, she didn't let me know either way she just closed the case so it could be either of us. The police "done some digging" and decided it was me. basically everyone in his life was but I was only contacted because I have kids. The others have not been contacted. So he has made threats to against several others. I do not want to see him or have any contact hence why I blocked him off everything however I have a lot of questions to answer from my children who frequently ask about him, do I just tell them they won't be seeing him again? That's why I want to be prepared so I know what to say to my children.

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Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 12:43

I know of a case I read online of a woman whose violent ex got contact as he was violent to her not the children so I thought they still got contact. I'm only going of the case I actually read about.

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NoCryLilSoftSoft · 03/10/2017 12:46

So you've now decide he didn't mean you. Despite him telling you that he thought you were an actor in his life, paid to have his children, had film crews filming him in the house. Right. You're in denial pet. Massively. Take this seriously. SS will if you are thought to be failing to protect your children. Believe me.

As for your children "daddy is sick and can't see anyone right now"

AdalindSchade · 03/10/2017 12:52

Jesus woman does it matter whether it’s you or another mother of his children that he wants to kill?

Why are you so preoccupied with whether he will be allowed to see them in future? Maybe yes, maybe never. Depends on his mental health. I can’t imagine why you would want him to. I don’t think I would ever want him to myself. And you think he would automatically get contact through the courts? Not at all. The police and social services have enough evidence ( not all of which they will share with you) to think he’s a risk of killing you. The courts will listen to that.

Original poster

Dancingfairy · 03/10/2017 13:01

I only said I think it's not me as they kept quoting it as "mother of his child". I don't want him to see them and he hasn't.

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AdalindSchade · 03/10/2017 13:16

Right. But that’s Not The Point. He is mentally unwell and dangerous. It really doesn’t matter who he is fixated on because that isn’t a static factor the point is that he poses a risk. To her, to you and your kids.

TiesThatBindMe · 03/10/2017 13:16

Ring 101 and report the attempt to contact you.

Starlight2345 · 03/10/2017 14:52

Have you actually reported it yet?

You do seem very defensice on this post.

He would not automatically get contact. He would have to take you to court first which does cost money... He would have to in this case prove that he was well enough not to be a risk.. Certainly for this period he clearly is not well enough.

You need to focus on the hear and now.. He wants to kill you. Not someone you want any contact with..

As for what you tell your children...I told my DS when he was about 8 that if his dad wanted to see him ( highly unlikely as he hasn't since he was 3) then he would have to take me to court so the courts could make sure it was the right thing for my DS..

I did a DV course and talked about how much to tell the children..Some have lots of questions others have very little. My rule of thumb has been to tell my DS enough to satisfy him but only ever at an age appropriate level. Do not sell him in a great light as someone who they have lost and make into a mini god but also you don't need to berate him so they grow up filled with anger.

StillIInDenial · 03/10/2017 15:05

OP. When, and only when, your Ex is well, you can organise child visits.

Until such a time you need to keep them and yourself protected. That means no contact as advised.

Don't try to jump the gun with planning now for something (his eligibility for a visit) that hasn't happened yet.

Prepare to hunker down for a long time waiting. You need to be strong for your child. Perhaps counselling for yourself would help?

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