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Original poster

would you add him to birth certificate

37 replies

user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 12:21

So Im going to try to keep this as concise as possible but its important to illustrate this well.
Been with o/h for 2 years.
Initially I gathered he was obsessed with ex, continuously spoke of her (they have 2 children together) and wished she never find a new partner otherwise his children would miss out on her attention.
At one point he admitted to treating her better than he treated me in this relationship which ended up causing alot of resentment on my part.
He has been utterly controlling, I have lost contact with alot of friends. He not only takes full rent from me but he has manipulated me into paying him money from my savings account (for which I am saving for a house) without any care/concern of my dreams.
Everything is about him/his needs.
I always felt I lost apart of myself since being with him and he's denied my basic needs in terms of sexual, emotional, physical etc.
We decided to go through IVF treatment which he cancelled TWICE and said I dont deserve to be a mother and should be sterilized.
I conceived naturally and I am 9 weeks pregnant.
Since being pregnant he has shown no affection/care and has been very harsh towards me, such as making me lift heavy furniture, suggesting I am lying in relation to my symptoms etc.
Last week we had a major argument and I threatened to not add him to the birth certificate so he got angry and threw all of my belongings out. I snapped and during this row, I ended up breaking his door window.
He grabbed my car keys, contacted the police and got me arrested. He wanted me convicted. I stayed in cell overnight and in the morning I was released with caution. The police officers described him as an "arsehole" because he was talking about me like I am just a stranger hes hooked up with a few times.
Since then I have been living in shelter accomodation. Thankfully I have a job and car so I will get up on my feet again.
Since then he's made it clear he wants no contact with me and hes not interested in attending the scans but he wants to be contacted when I am in labour and wants to be added on birth certificate.
He has refused to contribute any of the large baby items such as pram etc.
Ofcourse there were good moments but he's an uncomprising person, he even refused to create a new nursery for a baby. It might not be his first child but it is MY FIRST child and I want everything new/fresh. It's exciting to me.
He wanted to use old cot/pram from his previous children but this does not sit well with me and I am not okay with him using this tat if he has access to our child.
Also he owes me £2750, and I want this money back as it would help me immensely.
Would you contact him when you go into labour? I really want to do the right thing but he has absolutely used me in this entire relationship. He has no regret for anything and blames me for everything that has happened.

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 03/07/2017 13:40

He can only go on the birth certificate if he goes with you to register the birth. He does sound like an arsehole

swizzlers · 03/07/2017 13:42

If you don't agree to putting him on the birth certificate he can apply to a court for parental responsibility order which would be unlikely to be denied if DNA tests show he is the father.

dementedpixie · 03/07/2017 13:48

I suppose it depends if he can be arsed doing that though.

kittensinmydinner1 · 03/07/2017 13:53

A birth certificate is a statement of fact. It is for your child for your their whole life. There is a space for 'father' if you know him to be the father and he turns up at the registry office then it seems pointless not to add it on.
It's a fact.
The judgement that seems in question is yours. This man sounds a complete arsehole who doesn't even like you. It seems this behaviour is not new and yet you INTENTIONALLY decided to have a child with him ???and you actually want to be tied to him for the rest of your life ? Really strange behaviour on your part .

Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:05

really? I havent read too much on this and did not think it was so easy

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 03/07/2017 14:25

Really really easy. Put penis in vagina and don't use contraception... easy as that !

Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:42

you are rather rude, but I suppose this is what the internet is for.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:43

@swizzlers my initial message was to you, I didnt think it was so easy for him to do that? Ive tried researching online but didnt find much.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 03/07/2017 14:48

In all honesty I'd tell him I lost the baby, move house and never contact him again. He is a fucking arsehole and you and the baby would be infinitely better off without him.

oldtrees · 03/07/2017 14:51

Please, whatever you do, don't put his name on the certificate. This man represents a life of misery to you.

Move away, far away and start again. Can you move nearer to family?

Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:53

I think this would be a better idea.
My family has had time to think too and even they think I should avoid the "trouble" altogether.

I have plans to send my child to private school and I want to work hard to be able to do this. In the meantime my family will help raise my child for the first 2 years so I can save enough and buy our own home during this time. I can imagine he;s going to try and cause problems and stamp his foot around.

I am not interested in CSA from him either. His measly few pence isnt going to enhance our lives in anyway. I provided him an opportunity to play his part and hes being an arse, so be it - as time goes on, I will get over everything, right now all is fresh and it's a shame I am having to experience my first pregnancy alone without a companion. Sometimes I feel this isnt fair at all but Im not weak enough to crumble. Time is a healer!

OP posts:
oldtrees · 03/07/2017 14:54

The fact that he CAN apply for PR doesn't mean you should give it to him freely.

He may well not be bothered to get it - many many men don't - even thosr who should loudly about wantimg to be on the birth cert.

AliceTown · 03/07/2017 14:54

And what would the OP tell her child about the father, Crypto? Goodness me, what a dreadful suggestion.

CryptoFascist · 03/07/2017 14:55

Yes I thought I'd get flamed for that but it's what I'd do. After suffering a very similar relationship myself I have developed very straight to the point survival techniques.

Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:56

@oldtrees I cant move closer to family as my new job (I start in 2 weeks) is in London and they live in Nottingham but I can away to a different area for sure.

and the more people I speak to, the more they advise not to have him on the birth certificate. All of a sudden I dont feel so bad. Our peace and harmony is more important.

OP posts:
pinkhorse · 03/07/2017 14:56

Like a pp said, the birth certificate is a statement of fact. Of course he should go on there. You don't get to keep him off it because you don't like his behaviour.

SerfTerf · 03/07/2017 14:56

I'd absolutely follow @CryptoFascist's advice if he is actually abusive.

Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:57

@aliceTown this is what I am scared about. When a child grows up, they have a tonne of questions. How do I answer them?

@CryptoFascist any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1499079258 · 03/07/2017 14:58

@serfterf he is NOT abusive but he is aggressive.

To me theres a difference between the two.

OP posts:
oldtrees · 03/07/2017 15:02

pinkhorse no a birth certificate is not just a statement of fact. It gives fathers certain rights.

Where the father treats the mother like shit why should he be given those rights? Men like him use babies to control women and can make life hell for them and the baby.

If he wants to see the baby that much he can apply through court.

Your advice is both dangerous and ignorant.

CheesesOfNazereth · 03/07/2017 15:03

So are you going to lie to the kid for their whole life as well?

SerfTerf · 03/07/2017 15:03

But either way, I'd try to keep him off the birth certificate because of the automatic 'parental responsibility' that confers on him. If he really cares, he will pursue the simple procedure to gain it. But if you know he's a waste of space, why complicate your future parenting with the need to gain his agreement on certain things for 18 years?

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 03/07/2017 15:03

Don't call him and don't put him on the bc. If he wants to be involved let him apply for PR himself.

SerfTerf · 03/07/2017 15:04

Well aggression combined with controlling behaviour would be a red flag to me.

CryptoFascist · 03/07/2017 15:07

Better no father than one that actively tries to destroy your life. What you are describing is severe emotional abuse, but you have every right to not describe it as such.
Unfortunately I have had to consider this myself and when the child is very small I'd probably tell them that they only have a mum. Then as they get older I'd tell them some version of the truth, but not go into detail. Just say he didnt treat you very well and you wanted to be happy, just you and the child as a little family.