Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

How do I explain money crisis to my son?

30 replies

ohsooootired · 01/05/2017 12:07

Hi

Ex on high salary (comfortably into 6 figures) & has just dropped maintenance by over 2/3 - so now I'm substantially cashflow negative every month. - This was totally out-of-the-blue and nothing to do with any change in his financial circumstances. He is not doing anything illegal - i.e. the cut is to legal minimum.

It's a long story - but suffice to say I AM making huge efforts to get back into the workplace - but it's very slow as I have a skillset that gets me into jobs that are wholly inappropriate with a single parenthood & the long commute (that is sadly inevitable in London). It's also not that easy to walk into a part-time local admin role when you've got a high profile corporate CV. I'm also doing my darndest to get him into mediation - but not having much luck there either.

My question for Mumsnet crowd is this: I've had to all of a sudden dramatically cut day-to-day household expenditure in order to buy some time. My son (6.5yrs) has noticed I've started to say 'no' to lots of things we would have done in the past. I've had to tell him that all of a sudden we have loads less money. But he keeps on asking 'why?' - I've been trying to dodge this - but it's getting harder and harder.

Do I factually tell him - his Dad has cut the money he gives us by over £1000 per month? - Or do I lie? - I basically hate lying to children but want to be morally impeccable here (i.e. not get dragged down to the low level of behaviour of his father.) But saying zilch is not an option - I'm not having him think he's done something bad or wrong - or that I no longer love him. He's intelligent and he needs an explanation.

Have asked all my friends etc...Everyone has a different opinion....What do people think????

OP posts:
TheElephantofSurprise · 01/05/2017 12:09

Tell him the truth. My dd was four when me and her dad split up. We didn't have any spare money after that. She was always careful not to demand things I couldn't provide.

ohdeaeyme · 01/05/2017 16:38

he can know the money isnt there at.the moment but dont blame his dad! yes its a mean move on his part but your son doesnt need to know that yet

BellaRed1 · 01/05/2017 23:21

Why tell him it's because of his Dad? What do you hope to a achieve by that?

Just tell him money is tight now , that's all he needs to know. That would not be a lie. Explain to him that throughout life people will experience good and bad times money wise
Which is true.

It's not good to bring kids into the nitty gritty of what's going on between mum and Dad when they are that age.

What's the legal maximum? If there's a minimum then there must be a maximum. He pays the maximum as per CMS rules based on his salary and overnight stays.

But if you insist on telling your son be sure to also let him know that Daddy paid over and above what the CMS said cos that's NOT a lie.

Squeegle · 01/05/2017 23:29

I think it's ok to say something like, we don't have as much money now that we don't live with Dad any more. That is the normality of the situation for most single parents. You don't need to go into any more details at this stage. At 6.5 he is still hardly aware of who pays for what/ where money comes from etc wrc

Out2pasture · 01/05/2017 23:31

stick to the basics. mommy has this much money each month to buy all that we need.

Thefabulousfeminist · 01/05/2017 23:33

Say something reassuring but true "we have enough so don't worry but we need to prioritise but it'll be fine"

Much as his father deserves slagging off I don't think you should tell your son, keep the moral high ground. Also, go back to work, don't settle for local admin jobs. Good luck.

ferriswheel · 01/05/2017 23:49

I totally understand. Definitely don't say anything mean about his dad though I know its tempting. Recently I read a quote that said something like 'don't slag off their dad, it ruins that moment when they finally work it out for themselves.'

BellaRed1 · 02/05/2017 00:12

That's funny
I never got any maintenance
Never slagged off their Dad
We live many miles from him
Both my grown up kids are popping over to see him this year (20+ years since the break up)
He loves them, they love him. They have always had contact
Sometimes that love between a Dad and his kids matters more than money.

Chchchchangeabout · 02/05/2017 00:28

I would tell the truth personally. Don't see how that would be slagging off his dad, it's just what had happened.

user1491572121 · 02/05/2017 00:31

I would also tell him why OP. But I would also consider telling your ex that he has responsibility for your DS childcare too. WHy should you be poor? I'd go 50 50 and make him have to work out his working arrangements the same way you do!

Starlight2345 · 02/05/2017 13:57

You can be factual without slagging dad off..Dad has cut the amount of money we receive so now we have to make adjustments.

Do look at your income now. Make sure you can balance the books and get debt advice if necessary

jacketej · 02/05/2017 17:13

Please don't blame your X, yes it's shitty as he has reduced maintenance to the legal amount. However your child doesn't need to be dragged into an adult world.
All he needs to know is that it's not birthday or Christmas so if he wants a treat he needs to write a list for then? Try and teach him the value of money and receiving things!

It's terrible that the relationship has broken down but that unfortunately happens, it's ex's job to support your son and not you which sounds like he is doing.

Eventually your son will learn to be grateful for the things he does have and get. Money was tight for my parents growing up, they said no.. I'm no worse off than any other child and appreciate the value of things.

Ylvamoon · 02/05/2017 17:25

As his dad is still paying the legal amount is not mention it. Instead, I'd tell your son that you can't afford to by some things, they are expensive ... and introduce the idea of mum going back to work so he can have nice things again. (I know not the best solution, but it will soften the blow when you find work... )

PollyPelargonium52 · 07/05/2017 08:42

I have found it very hard to convey being skint to my son which does happen from time to time as I am self-employed. He is 12 but he doesn't understand money isn't a bottomless pit.

However just recently I totally put my foot down with spending and now I think he is beginning to get the message. It is hard though they just don't seem to get it easily.

Empireoftheclouds · 07/05/2017 08:52

He has cut maintenance for one child by over £1k a month Confused

Sorry but it sounds like you have been living pretty damn well because of him and now you need to cut your coat according to your cloth. That's an enormous amount of money. You don't tell your 6yo anything, and you certainly don't blame his dad who by all accounts has been more than generous. It's possible to do things; but things and enjoy life with a 6yo without splashing out frivolously month after month. Create a distraction by doing fun things together and keeping him busy, eventually he won't be asking for things as he will have altered his mindset

youarenotkiddingme · 07/05/2017 09:06

If he asks why I'd explain income and expenditure in a way he can understand.

That you now longer have 2 wages. Both Mum and dad are paying for someone to live and he has 2 houses. That ATM Mum cannot work in the job she can do due to his age and him needing her. Then reassure him you have enough to live on and things will change - but that plenty of families circumstances change over the years and that's just life.

Empireoftheclouds · 07/05/2017 09:31

That ATM Mum cannot work in the job she can do due to his age and him needing her please don't say this to your little boy. It will make him feel like things are his fault, no matter how well worded it is.

MuseumGardens · 07/05/2017 10:49

What is your ex contributing at the moment in terms of childcare, time, attention and the security and stability your son needs after the break up? Is he contributing in that respect or still living the high life on his high salary free from childcare concerns while you have to do all the donkey work? What are you needing to say no to since he cut back to the minimum?

MuseumGardens · 07/05/2017 10:56

Is your ex making cutbacks to his own lifestyle or just to his son's?

Beebeeeight · 07/05/2017 10:58

Tell him the truth.

He needs to know this was his dads decision.

ifeelcraptonight · 07/05/2017 10:58

You can't tell him his dad has cut what he pays that's not fair - esp if he was paying way over CMS amounts to start with.

Are you claiming everything you are entitled to?

notapizzaeater · 07/05/2017 11:13

His dad is still paying you cms, albeit the min so he is paying for your son, if he's earning 6 figures then he should be paying you a lot.

Just tell him that money is tight for somethings but make sure he knows that the hiuse, food etc is ok.

needsahalo · 08/05/2017 07:23

Sometimes that love between a Dad and his kids matters more than money

It is easy to be smug. Both parents have a financial responsibility for their children. When you push the 'love rather than money' agenda you contribute to the widely accepted notion that single mums are just money grabbing bitches. Too many of us go without to provide and there are longer term issues such as pension pots. It is not unreasonable to be frustrated with a sudden change in maintenance and the impact that has.

OP - have you tried some industry specific recruitment agencies? I have picked up some one day a week contracts that have sat languishing on their books as no one wanted them. You might be surprised at what you can wangle!

BlackeyedSusan · 08/05/2017 07:40

use it as an opportunity to learn how to budget and choose what is most important for him.

I did tell mine when we had to cut back when ex was made redundant but everyone was cutting back. (including ex) they know that there is only so much money to go around. they have always been told they can not have everything.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 08/05/2017 07:44

Can you say "daddy's wage now has to cover 2 homes and bills and he can't give us as much anymore because he's got bills to pay for his house too. I'm trying to find a new job that will mean we have a bit more money, but right now we don't have as much spare after the bills."

Factual but not saying daddy is in the wrong.