Ex trying to take over custody..

[Janos]

This is probably an unusual problem for here, as there seem to be lots of XP/Hs who just don't give a toss, so please bear with me.

My XP is the opposite and I don't quite know how to explain it without sounding like an utter idiot.

Basically, we have a 2 1/2 year old DS who I love more than I ever thought possible.
I think my XP is trying to take over full custody. Like I said above it's really hard to explain it and he is very subtle about undermining me...he is very controlling.
For example, if we go to mediation he will 'manipulate' things around so that they suit him (I'm trying to think of an example). Like I'll say 'I think we should have a more formal agreement about when DS spends time with each of us' he'll agree and then 'forget' about it., or say 'no, no, that's not what we discussed at all'. (Realise this all sounds a bit nebulous).

Anyway, if anyone can offer advice then I'd be very grateful. Thanks for taking the time to read through that mess!

Hi Janos,
Oh I feel for you. Can't really help but will be watching this thread as my xp would love full custody. My XP won't go to mediation. From what I've read and spoken to people, the mediators are well trained and hopefully suss on to what is happening ie your Xp's controlling behaviour. It is so hard. I keep a diary of everything my xp says which helps me to repeat back what he says. But controlling people are so manipultive and you have to be on your guard at all times which is so draining.
The likelihood of your xp getting full custody is basically nil - unless your ds is at risk (which I'm sure he's not). I have studied all the leaflets etc which I got from the CAB and they all suggest that children are best with their mothers particually when they are so young. Might be helpful for you to make an appointment with them to help set your mind at rest. I always try and be reasonable re access and let my xp see our ds (despite not getting a penny off him - but that's another story). But he always makes me feel I am being unreasonable. I am lucky and have fantastic friends and family whom I can talk to to confirm that I am being resonable and obviously Mumsnet where I have posted a couple of times. I have been very firm on times re access and have kicked up a huge fuss if he is 20 minutes late without letting me know. Hope that helps. Hugs for you.

Thank you harra. I do right things down...and someone on another thread suggested getting a dictaphone. It's just so hard because he thinks he's always right and gets nasty when crossed.

Is that how your XP is?

Yes he does. I now don't tolerate any abuse off him. I hang up on him or get him out of the house (he only comes over to pick up and drop ds off). It's horrible I know. I am normally quite a strong person but I have my moments. It is very distressing that someone you loved and who loved you is so nasty and because they know you so well, they know how to get to you. I have been very shaken by some of the abuse I have had. I'm sure other people are a lot worse off but it still hurts. I have a dictaphone too - haven't used it as yet. When we do discuss things I really try and stick to the point - he will always try and change tack and like your xp always thinks he is right (I think I am always right too it must be said though). You deserve to be happy and he does not have the right to be nasty to you so don't let him. Easier said than done I know. We have fixed days for access. Times do change to suit and obviously things will change in the future due to schooling etc. How much access does your xp have?

We have joint custody, harra. All unofficial, mind so he chops and changes to suit him.

He says he wants full custody - TBH I know this sounds weird but I feel that he is sidelining me (the brood mare) in favour of his new girlfriend.

He called me the other day just to say that they (DS and his new GF were making tea together).

hi janos

sounds like youre having a rough time, im going through the court process again with my 2.5year old ds. his father is very controlling also and has promised me he will take me to court yearly if it suits him!

sounds like your ex is trying to set up a new family with you son and his new woman. cant believe he phoned you up to give you a running commentary on them making tea together! that is so bloody spiteful.

do you think it would be worth getting everything done officially so he cant push you out. perhaps go for a residence order stating that he has 50% contact. that way he cant bully/control you

Sounds like he is trying to undermine you. I would suggest seeing the CAB - so you know your rights. Joint custody is fair but it might be an idea to formilise some sort of routine for access. Ie he has ds every other weekend and then a fixed day/days in the week. Then you can plan ahead - better routine for your ds. Obviously things have to be flexiable for holidays etc. Get him to have DS when it suits you.

if you write and tell him that from now on he will see your son for alternate weekends, starting next weekend, one night in the week and half the holidays (if you think this is fair) then if he doesn't like it he will have to go to court to change it. THough actually if he want 'full custody' by which I assume you mean residence, I would actually go and see a solicitor and see about getting a residence order in your favour as at the moment, if he decided not to return your ds you would be stuffed, at least temporarily. I'm sure he loves your son, but I think it would benefit everyone hugely if you could work out a more formal system for you to share your little boy so you all feel secure.

Hello Janos it sounds like your xp is trying to make you doubt yourself, & question everything you do. All you have to remember is that you are a capable & loving mom who is actually stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'd write down all dates & times of meetings where your child is involved & remember he is probably insecure himself & is trying to make himself feel better by trying to undermine you. Stay strong & don't let him get to you even though i know that it's sometimes easy to say than do.

Thank you all so much for your help and suggestions.

XP is basically trying to take over, refusing to pay any form of maintenance etc. Essentially he wants everything his own way.

I've made a decision that we go along for mediation and give it one more go. If not, then it will need to go via a solictor.

Just had enough of everything being on his terms. The thing is, as soon as I tell him I'm not going to put up with everything going his way then the gloves come off 'No way' am I getting maintenance. I won't custody because I'm not stable etc. His trump card is our DS - look how well he's doing, you don't want to upset him, do you?

He's just a very selfish man.

I mean he says I won't get custody as I'm not 'stable' (this is because I suffered from severe PND after DS was born).

XP told me (when I suicidal) that in his opinion I 'liked being ill and did not want to get well'.

sigh

Your xp throwing pnd in your face is low. However courts won't take that as evidence as you being unstable. Lots of women suffer from pnd and it's curable. So don't let the sad git get you down, he isn't worth it.

Thank you kellogs, I know they won't hold it against me but it is just typical of the way he tries to undermine my confidence.

Great example this week. He had arranged (apparently) for me to pick DS up from nursery but had forgotten to tell/remind me about it if he had - we don't have fixed days. (I have no memory of the discussion which he insists took place).

I managed to pick DS up but only because I was already on my way home - got a worried call from the nursery manager, why had no-one called to collect DS? Felt absolutely terrible.

This might sound trivial to some but is so upsetting and just an example of the things that happen pretty much on a weekly basis.

Also have made an appointment to see a solicitor about this.

My family and best friend are being very supportive which does help. They've advised me to make a list of everything which has happened since the separation (including everything he's done).

Sounds like he was trying to be a bit underhanded. Don't worry about being late to pick the littley up, i can honestly say that i've done that a few times, even though it was arranged by me to pick him up. The littley won't remember it so don't let it play on your mind. Good luck at the solicitors, try to suggest that from now on you formalise all arrangements & that if there is any changes that need to be made that they should be written down just in case there's a misunderstanding (ie he tries to pull a fast one again)

Well I saw a solicitor today and am feeling a lot more positive than I have done for some time.

Not looking forward to the fall out but it needs to be done.

Hi Janos
I'm glad your feeling more positive i really hope that evrything works out ok for you & your family, i'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Let me know how you get on & stay strong. xxx

Thank you kelloggs

Well, there has been some movement - my solicitor has sent him a letter suggesting we lay out a formal custody agreement. My ex should have received that today and frankly I'm dreading his response, even thoughI haven't asked for anything unreasonable, as his temper is awful.

Also have spoken to CSA (just for advice) who told me that in the current situation it's very unlikely I would get custody, so looks like I can forget that.

However, I'm trying to take the view that it's a small price to pay for having my own piece of mind and my own place to leave. Yes, it's a council flat but it's so much feels like home.

The place I lived with him didn't. I'm far poorer than I used to be but much happier.

"Also have spoken to CSA (just for advice) who told me that in the current situation it's very unlikely I would get custody, so looks like I can forget that. "

Sorry, that should be maintenance, not custody! Can't type today...

Hi everyone. I can't tell you how relieved I have found mums who are going through what I am, I've felt so alone. I had my son in December and he's 4 months old. His father and I were never a couple but I tried my hardest to keep things amicable for DS sake. However, when he was 5 weeks old his father decided to come and pick him up with a car full of his friends (they are all 19 years) and I said no. Since then I have been bombarded with threats that he is going to get him off me so I had to get a solicitor. She proposed that he have contact once a week for 3 hours, as DS is so young, his solicitor however proposed every wednesday OVERNIGHT and for 10 hours every sunday. This week I've been told if I dont give him that much contact, I am being taken to court. Its so upsetting and has ruined DS first months for me. I'm on tablets for all the stress because my son needs to be with his mummy at 4 months old. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be great x

Janos, really feel for you. Nothing useful to say except don't go feeling you're the only one whose H would want full custordy. Thinking of you, and good luck XXX

Janos, I'm not in your position but have just read your thread and am sorry you are having such an awful time. Can I just ask a question though, to you and anyone else going through similar stuff, if your x is threatening to go to court to try to gain full custody/residence of your child, wouldn't the fact that he is refusing to pay you maintenance at the moment work against him? Surely, he and any court must see that he has a moral duty to pay towards the cost of raising his son? Sorry if I'm being naive here.

Oh choccybiccie you poor soul, my heart goes out to you, and I agree this is absolutely the last thing you need when your wee one is so small.

When you say "This week I've been told if I dont give him that much contact, I am being taken to court" is that a statement of fact or just a nasty threat?

It does sound like a lot of contact for such a young baby. Off the top of my head, I'm thinking, if you are breastfeeding then that might be a reason for DS to stay with you?

Keep posting on her for support, thinking of you.

oxocube

Morally, I think he is obliged to pay me maintenance. But because he nominally has DS more than I do he does not have to pay maintenance. I've been told that by the solicitor and the CSA.

Anyway, I did come on to post an update as to the situation. He is essentially acting as if nothing has happened. He called me today and I asked him outright if he had received the letter.

His response 'Oh yeah, that's all fine', and 'Yeah, we can talk about it later'.

And also thank you to everyone for your kind words and support. It does help

It was in a letter from his solicitor so probably going to happen. I offered him to come to my house and see him anytime he wants though and he never has so in my mind he cant want to see him that much. This also makes me think that it is his mum who wants him. Im no longer breastfeeding but surely a stable environment and the comfort of his home and routine is best for a 4 month old baby rather than being uprooted every week to stay in an unfamiliar surrounding. I was never married or in a relationship with the father, but he is on the birth certificate, something I did for my son's sake also. Im not denying the importance of a child's relationship with his father but surely it has to be something which I feel comfortable with