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Original poster

Should I pursue Child Maintenance?

70 replies

bassey2389 · 21/03/2017 00:12

Having a crisis of conscience over whether I should go to CMS or not....

Unplanned pregnancy, the father tried to force me to have an termination but I just couldn't do it (also still illegal in NI) We had no contact after I told him I couldn't have a termination as he told me he was moving back to Australia.

When son was born contacted father (who still hadn't moved back to Australia) to encourage him to meet son. He confirmed he still didn't want anything to do with him and would consider putting some money aside for him when he got back to Australia.

8 months later father has still not moved away, is living with a new partner and has made no effort to make contact or contribute.

Just looking for some honest opinions on whether I should pursue child maintenance or pull up my big girl pants and keep at it alone?

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2017 00:24

Bloody do it! I wouldn't hesitate. You're bringing your DS up by yourself, he's doing sod all to contribute. Ring them first thing OP. Good luck!

user1488198315 · 21/03/2017 11:37

Nope.... legally you may be entitled to CM but morally, I just couldn't do it.... i'd leave him to get on with his life... I'd do the best I could and make the most of my WTC, CTC and CB... he has to live with himself and you are hassle free and independent...

memyselfandaye · 21/03/2017 11:45

Do it and don't think twice.

Ignore user1488 and the fucking ridiculous idea that he should be left to get on with his life, cos you know morally he can just produce as many kids as he wants and the state will pick up his share of the child's upkeep.

xStefx · 21/03/2017 11:51

Of course you do it, the money is for your child. If he is paying for the child then it may spur him to have a relationship with him. You may not want that but the child might be happy about it.
Crappy situation OP, good for you not going through with a termination just because he wanted you to.

user1488198315 · 21/03/2017 13:01

excuse me memy!! that is my opinion.... I just couldn't do it.... it's not a ridiculous idea at all.... if you took time to read a lot of posts on here from mothers chasing CM, you will see that it can cause more hassle than it's worth.... it might take two to make a child but you cannot force someone to be a parent or prevent them from feeling resentful about paying for a child they don't want.... money isn't everything.... peace of mind is better.... MY opinion....

Original poster
bassey2389 · 21/03/2017 13:58

Thanks guys :)

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 21/03/2017 14:34

Yeah because peace of mind will feed and clothe her child.

She is'nt "forcing" him to be a parent and if paying child support for a child he created makes him resentful, tough shit, he should have double bagged it to be sure there would'nt have been a child.

Oh and I have dealt with the csa/cms, not every case is a horror story and even if it was it's no reason not to try.

He tried to force the OP into an abortion, an illegal one in her country, and has lied about moving to the other side of the world to get out of paying child support, but yeah just let him off, he's just a poor hard done by man.

Heirhelp · 21/03/2017 14:39

I am not a lone parent but this thread popped up in active thread. I think it would be immoral if you did you claim child maintenance as you owe it to your child to do the best by them.

TheFormidableMrsC · 21/03/2017 15:06

mymyselfandaye Star

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 21/03/2017 15:13

Your child is entitled to maintenance from their father. Morally it's reprehensible to deny your responsibility for a child you created, not to claim money from a feckless twat to support that child. OP, you and your child deserve better than him but the least he can and should do is alleviate financial pressure.

JackandGordon · 21/03/2017 15:19

Definitely contact the CMS. I think you'll need to pay £20 to start a new claim. The father isn't just a sperm donor and has, at the very least, financial responsibilities for your child too.

Too bad if he doesn't like it.

Toobloodytired · 23/03/2017 17:19

Claim!
It's for the child.

I couldn't afford not to claim &! My ex should be providing just as much as you I will.

Your ex should too!!

ZombieApocalips · 23/03/2017 17:44

Claim for your son.
You can't force someone to be a parent but you can force them to be financially responsible (even if it's the paltry £7 per week that some pay)

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 23/03/2017 17:50

user1488198315 are you a man by any chance?

user1488198315 · 24/03/2017 12:02

Cuppa - no I'm a woman and I was a single parent for 3 years... luckily I had no financial issues with my daughters Dad but I never went to CSA.... he paid what he could afford and I worked around that... my daughter never went without... when I met my now husband and we lived together/got married we agreed that my ex should give less... which he did, and then he spent more on our daughter.... I appreciate how lucky I have been...

My comments were made with one of my best friends in mind - she is a mother of two, neither father was interested in becoming a parent or being with her and she had a terrible time with one of the fathers, constantly fighting over money/resenting the child and it resulted in her oldest daughter having issues re her Dad and then she blamed her Mum for it all.... she is finding the same issues with her youngest daughters Dad but she has decided that it's not worth the hassle and she seems to be a much more settled/happier mum for it....

nonameinspiration · 24/03/2017 12:30

Claim without a second thought. But.....if you know his rough income you could get a figure off the government website and approach him and see if he will make the payments voluntarily.

My exh started messing about with money and dropped it to £200 a month. Cms assessment was over £700!

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 24/03/2017 17:30

I actually get users point, sometimes going after the man for what they should legally and morally pay causes them too decide to start a court battle and go for access - a way in which too try and lower payments.

If only we was like America with child support payments, doubt many men would try and evade it so much.

StrawberryJelly00 · 24/03/2017 17:43

Op. Is the father on the birth certificate?
If not I don't think it's fair to request maintenance if he doesn't have legal rights over the child.
IMO

Toobloodytired · 24/03/2017 17:51

Strawberry, you do know that unless you are married to the guy, he can't be on the BC unless he's there??

So what you are saying is because my ex jogged on, won't be there for the birth, won't be there to sign the BC & won't be there for our son.....I should simply not claim CSA because he chose not to be there??

Is that what you are saying because if you are then that is the biggest pile of shite I've heard in a very long time.

Thanks for you opinion though! I'm sure the op will consider it whilst she's on the phone to CSA.

Oswin · 24/03/2017 17:53

Strawberry obviously he's not on the bc. He hasn't seen the child at all. So he legally couldn't be put on there.
He could get PR if he wanted.
Why should the child go without because this man is a selfish prick?

complexkane · 29/03/2017 14:07

A lot of women on here urging this woman to go for CMS an get as much as possible out of him as his is not helping. Have you all missed the part where she explained that the pregnancy was unplanned and the guy made his feelings pretty clear, he tried to ''force'' her to have an abortion.

Bassey, You knew the facts, the guy wanted nothing to do with the child but you made the decision to go against his wishes and suit yourself. That is absolutely fair enough if you are then going to take responsibility for the child. But to go against his wishes and now pursue him through CMS for money, is not right in my opinion. I think you also know this, otherwise you wouldn't be on here looking for advice...probably hoping that if enough women tell you to go for it, you will start to believe it is morally ok.

slug · 29/03/2017 14:42

I think complex is missing the point that if a guy really didn't want to have a baby he should have avoided sex altogether. It's a pretty well known side effects of sexual activity.

complexkane · 29/03/2017 15:49

Slug.... what century are you from? So by your theory, people should not have sex at all until they are ready to have kids. Wow!!

The simple fact is that in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, the Female is the one who makes the decision, which can be made regardless of the Males feelings and opinion. The protests from the male fall on deaf ears and it is made clear that it is nothing to do with them...... until down the line reality hits home and the single mum is struggling for money and then all of a sudden, the male is needed, is responsible and is forced to pay for a decision that the Female made on her own.

Not nice to hear I know...and I know that men who are all for having kids must face up to their financial responsibilities... but in this case, it seems rather harsh.

Starlight2345 · 29/03/2017 16:24

Yep claim. I get £6.72 a week from CMS.. He has a legal responsibility to pay for the child he made...Not wanting the child and not supporting it are not the same..

People always bring up when it is a access case that access and maintenance are not connected..Same applies the other way.

You do not know what your financial position will be and yes he should pay.

I imagine the leaving for Australia was part of his attempt to not pay.

slug · 30/03/2017 11:19

No complex, I'm merely pointing out that you are doing a fine bit of victim blaming. Women don't get pregnant on their own. If a man really does not want to have children then there are many ways he can prevent this. Vasectomies are one way, condoms have a failure rate but are still reasonably reliable and not having PIV sex is also pretty reliable.

If a child is conceived, then men don't get to walk away saying "Nothing to do with me".

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