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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Right, I've had it. I hope DS never EVER EVER sees his father again

38 replies

climbingrosie · 01/03/2007 13:05

I am SO angry at ex right now. I left him 3 years ago, our DS is now mearly 4. He had seen him twice, and last time was over 18 months ago!!! He has never paid a single penny maintanance and has purposefully got jobs that are cash in hand so as not to have to pay maintanance (or tax). We didn't hear from him for over a year, he didn't call/send a card or present on ds's 3rd birthday, DS completely forgot about him and never mentions him or asks about him.
Then ex calls up saying he wants to see DS, he's missing him, he wants to pay me money, wants to bring hima present for his 4th birthday, and then also mentions that he has got a job abroad and is leaving in two weeks!
I tried to explain that it wouldn't be in ds's best interests, he is happy and stable, has a loving family around him and it wouldn't benifit him to suddenly meet his daddy who then buggers off to another country.
GGRRRRRRRRrrrr, anyway, we have a few heated discussions over the phone ovewr the next few days, he thinks I'm being a b**ch and he has a 'right' to see his ds, I say yes but rights come with responsibilities blah blah blah and he owes us so much money etc.
The whole time though he never actually says 'I'm free on this and this day, can I come over?', he never asks once how ds is, what he is doing, what his interests are, or anything, nothing to show he genuinely cares about or is interested in DS as anything other than a posession.
Thrn two days before he is due to leave he calls saying can I come over now. WTF? I'm at work all day, DS at nursery etc, we can't just drop everything for him, so I say no we're busy. Big argument etc he accuses me of preventing him seeing his son, he then says ok what can I get him for his birthday? I give him a long list of options, he says he'll buy it and send it. He calls up saying he's bought x, and got a £30 gift voucher for elc, and is sending it all with a cheque for £50 for me for maintanance (so generous of him). The item he bought was NOT something on the list, but that's besides the point.

Sorry this is so long but the really annoying thing that has left me so angry is that the parcel arrived today, he has now left the country (horray) but the parcel was just a cheap card, the £6 elc present, and NO VOUCHER and NO CHEQUE for me!!!!!!! Effing w**ker. Why did he lie to me? Oh and the card says amongs other things "mummy will take you to elc to choose lots more presents with the voucher". But there is no voucher. Good thing DS can't read and won't be getting the card anyway. He has always been crap with money and a compulsive lier but this is the last straw. Over my dead body is he ever going to have anything to do with my wonderful lovely beautiful and happy DS. IMO this is unforgivable and the last straw.

(oh and conveniently for him he's moved abroad so doesn't have to pay maintanance). Someone so selfish doesn't deserve to be part of DS's life.

All off my chest. That feels better. Sorry for boring anyone.

OP posts:

lou33 · 01/03/2007 13:12

oh dont start me on this, mine is abroad and i am going bankrupt cos of debts he left me with AND he hasnt paid a penny, but now has decided (since i said i was selling his stuff) that he wants to support the kids and talking about how WE can work as a team!

my arse can we

i'm sorry you have one like mine, but i feel less alone now!

kittylette · 01/03/2007 13:13

thats awful, poor you and poor DS

sounds like hes better off without him anyways (((( ))))

ScottishThistle · 01/03/2007 13:17

So sorry to hear that!

You're right your ds is probably better without a Daddy who's irresponsible & selfish!

simplycontrolfreaky · 01/03/2007 13:20

if he is absent parent abroad then csa wont deal with him..... but courts will. you could apply to court for maintenance for ds. you might want to getsome legal advice from specialist family solicitor.....
btw his behaviour is thoughtless and selfish. poor you and poor ds.

Original poster

climbingrosie · 01/03/2007 13:40

Oh thank you everyone for your kind supportive words! I'm feeling so bad at the moment, because I really think DS (and all children) deserve better, why do some people just not see that hurting children by letting them down and not putting their best interests first is just NOT acceptable?

Also, i just want an end to the angry feelings he evoces in me, he has deliberately wound me up by saying one thing and doing another, and I want to rise above it all and not be bothered...but it's so hard!

lou33 glad I am not alone! why are they like this???

Thank you simplycontrolfreaky for the advice, will get some legal advice, the thing is I have no idea where he is apart from somewhere in Mallorca working as a chef! He wouldn't give me an address or contact details or anything...will speak to my solicitor later

OP posts:

mjsnorkle · 01/03/2007 13:56

You're definatley not on your own. The only positive thing is that your ds is far better off in the long term without this t**t in his life. Sad to say but sometimes true.

lou33 · 01/03/2007 14:06

why are they like it?

because they are self pitying naval gazing fools

i'm not the best person to talk to about it right now, as i just had an email from him and my blood is boiling, so am somewhat biased!

ConfidenceMan · 01/03/2007 14:18

what a bastard i could never treat my kids that way, he dont deserve kids.

donnie · 01/03/2007 14:20

he sounds like a turd and a selfish git. You and your ds are far better off withough him and you were absolutely right not to let him bamboozle his way in to see ds. The non existent voucher is further proof of his crapness.

Stay strong and rant away!!

Original poster

climbingrosie · 01/03/2007 14:54

lol at their description as self-pitying navel gazing fools, that just about sums him up! Lou33 feel free to be biased! my blood is boiling too, I'm ment to be working but too distracted to be productive right now...

mjsnorkle and donnie thanks! yes, ds definately better off without him!

ConfidenceMan I couldn't agree with you more, I'm glad to hear not all dads are like this, I will not let his behaviour cloud my judgement of all men.

OP posts:

lou33 · 01/03/2007 15:08

i do still try hard to believe that most dads are not like our fine specimens of manhood

i think we just notice the worst ones as its so incomprehensible to most that they can act like they do

my bf thinks my ex is acting like a total nob, lol

Original poster

climbingrosie · 01/03/2007 16:27

lol lou33, my bf thinks the same about my ex!

OP posts:

lou33 · 01/03/2007 16:31

there you go, proof that there are 2 decent men int he world, at least!

ConfidenceMan · 01/03/2007 18:47

lou, dont you mean 3 decent men

detoxdiva · 01/03/2007 19:05

God how awful for you and your ds. Sounds like you are better off without him - pathetic excuses for men like that make me furious when there are so many divorced dads out there who'd give their right arms to be parts of their children's lives.

lou33 · 01/03/2007 19:24

well i know bf, she knows hers, we dont know you, so cannot comment!

Original poster

climbingrosie · 01/03/2007 21:07

Exactly detoxdiva. The ridiculous thing is he has never lived more than 45 minutes away by train or car and couldn't get his arse in gear to visit, then I read posts here about dads driving eight hour round trips every other weekend just to see their dcs!

But as far as I'm concerned, it is his loss. DS is definately better off.

What are other's opinions, should I keep the card for DS when he's older? or bin it? I might write everything down in a letter for DS to have if he wants to know the details or asks about his dad when he's older...but not sure if it the sensible raional thing to do.

OP posts:

Caligula · 01/03/2007 21:22

God there are so many tossers like this around. Usually, the world tends to think that there's something wrong with the mother because she "made" him like this. There's that vile attitude of "well, you had kids with him, you must have known he was like this, it's probably all your fault anyway".

It's very hard for some people to believe that men can change almost overnight from acting as if they're your partner, to being complete twats.

Be glad he's left the country. I'd second what someone else said actually, in most countries in Europe they're not so lackadaisical about maintenance payment, men are actually expected to pay it, and courts enforce payment, not like in the UK. So it is worth finding out from a solicitor based here if there's any point pursuing him for maintenance. I once knew someone who caught up with an errant ex about 12 years later, when he thought he'd got away with it and was running a happy home with new family and business in Switzerland. So it might be worth just an enquiry.

lou33 · 02/03/2007 09:49

caligula, i completely agree with your opening paragraph, i am still experiencing this

my ex fil allegedly thinks i left my h on a whim ffs, like i just woke up one day and felt bored, because otherwise why on earth would we split as i have known all along what he was like

Original poster

climbingrosie · 02/03/2007 11:20

caligula, It oo experience what you wrote in your first paragraph!

It seems people can't grasp that these kinds of men are very good at 'pretending' to be good partners, mine was very very clever and behaved however he had to to get what he wanted from people, from me it turned out he wanted a replacement mother and the more I got to know him the more I realised how much of a fake he was, saying whatever he thought people wanted to hear.He was also very decietful, and yeah maybe I should have seen this earlier or whatever, but screw what other people think, it;s all very well to say how others should have acted, nobody knows what they would actually do in these situations if they have never been there.

Lou33 sorry to hear you still experience this too! and at ex fil attitude (leaving on a 'whim' because of boredom!), maybe he just can't accept or see that his son is a nob and a twat and a bad husband and father?

OP posts:

lou33 · 02/03/2007 13:19

my fil booted my exh out after a few weeks, soon after we split, because he couldnt live with him either, so i have no idea what he means, but tbh i dont care

at the beginning i had one particular man ask me if i knew what i was doing to my exh, and also how could i stop my kids from seeing hteir father!

i lost my temper at that one, seeing as he had no idea about my private life and spends every night of the week getting pissed in the local pub, leaving his kids and wife at home.

He took his life in his hands saying that to me lol

Original poster

climbingrosie · 02/03/2007 21:06

lol lou33 glad you didn't let him get away with saying that! It still amazes me that people think they can comment on others' private lives and decisions they know nothing about!

Leaving ex was the best thing I ever did and I'm just amazed now (especially since being with my bf and actually being treated so well) that I stayed in such a bad situation for so long (three years). But then again, if I had left sooner I might not have had DS, and I wouldn't change that for the world!

OP posts:

BarbieLovesKen · 02/03/2007 21:21

I havent read the whole thread so sorry if im repeating anything... this is awful and I think you are doing the right thing.. this man clearly does not deserve to breath near your little boy. For what its worth, your ds certainly doesnt seem to be missing out - you sound like a brilliant, loving mother so he has it all.

Original poster

climbingrosie · 02/03/2007 22:06

Thank you for your kind words BarbielovesKen I really appreciate it and need it right now!

OP posts:

BarbieLovesKen · 02/03/2007 22:18

not atall.. its the truth.. I really hope everything works out for you..

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