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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

crisis and social services

27 replies

honeynut · 24/02/2007 22:12

HI
I hope you dont mind me dropping this on you but this is the first time I have posted but have been reading for a while.

I am in a bit of a crisis situation and dont know if anyone has any advice of best way to handle it. I am a single parent and just moved (4 months) into a new area. I started working 4 days a week with my 2 and 4 year olds 2 days with a childminder and 2 days in a nursery. Basically for some time my childminder has been acting independently of me and doing things off her own back such as taking the children to preschool (without asking me), taking them (repetitively) to the doctors for coughs, telling them (children) that they dont have to go to nursery cos she will have them instead and offering to have them overnight (unpaid????). All without talking to me. As a first time I have used a childminder she seems very "involved".

Anyway, on Thursday I receved a call from my doctor who told me that my childminder has submitted a complaint about me that he needs to pass on to social services that, the children sometimes look unkept (not brushed hair and breakfast on their face) when I drop them off, that they dont wear vests and that she felt I should be taking them to the doctors with their coughs more often(although they have never had a temperature or been "unwell" with it. I disagree that they need to see a GP every time they cough but that difference of opinion has got me into trouble in combination with the messy hair thing. I have never had any concerns raised by nursery carers and the children have been to nursery since being small. They alsways have clean, well fitting clothes and shoes and thick winter coats, so we really are just talking about their hair and sometimes jammy faces. I feel shocked that she would do something so drastic as "report" her concerns before even telling me she was concerned, so that in terms of the hair situation I could have taken time to brush it!!! and also explained to her why I dont feel it necessary to go to the GP with them all the time (I do and have taken them for other things as appropriate). Everyone including her has said how happy, well adjusted polite lovely children they are but the concerns that they are "medically" neglected feels so untrue and as I said underhand. She seems to have got over involved in all aspects of their care and crossed boundaries of their care in taking them to doctors, preschools without my permission. Finally I am mostly scared if my ex found out he would insist he had them and they would end up with a nanny bringing them out due to his work commitments. I love my kids and if there was any truth in it (and believe me I have been so self critical this last few days) I would happily pass them back to him if it were in there interests but I KNOW its not true and we are very happy and clean! all the time except for the occasional rush morning to work. I am sorry for the long winded nature of this but this is new and terrifying to me and I dont know if I should be doing anything more proactive than wait for the inevitable visit from social workers?
thanks for your time Beth

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

tiredemma · 24/02/2007 22:20

??? seriously?

She really sounds odd.

If having scruffy looking kids, with no vests and few visits to a dr warrants a visit from SS then I should be their next visit.

Sorry- hope someone can help you, I dont use a CM- but she sounds as if she is way overstepping the mark.
Could you put your children into nursery for the full 4 days? and not use her?

I think taking your children to the Drs is an absolute pisstake.

Aloha · 24/02/2007 22:22

Er, if this is real, then remove the kids from the childminder immediately and put them into nursery.

Mercy · 24/02/2007 22:31

Would a GP automatically have to pass on to Social Services this type of complaint?

What was your GP's view, did he/she think your children are medically or otherwise neglected?

(and I don't understand how a childminder can make doctor's appointments for your children)

lisadutton · 24/02/2007 22:41

Im fairly new here, and at the chance of being shot, I work for social services, with child protection and court cases.
I would say, take them out of child minders now, she has def stepped over the mark.
As for SS coming round, they may not. Sometimes they might ring, sometimes if there is little evidence to back claims (especially as nursery never raised it) they might not come at all.
If they do, just be honest, tell them yes my kids might be a little messy, but they are kids, and at least with food round faces you know they have eaten
I cant see them taking much action, other than to ask, do you need some extra support. Good luck
Hope this helps and feel free to ask more questions.

Lisa

Caligula · 24/02/2007 22:45

Find a different childminder and report her to OFSTED.

If she had genuine concerns, she should talk to you about it.

Don't be afraid. Be angry. (But constructively and articulately angry.)

simplycontrolfreaky · 24/02/2007 22:49

she has completely crossed the boundaries.... but i am suprised that you have allowed her to behave in this way too! what did you say after you found out she was taking them to preschool ?? when you found out she had taken them to doctors without your knowledhe or consent??
imo you need to be fully cooperative with any sw follow up. suggest to them that they speak to doctor / nursery themselves. once this has all gone away report childminder to registration body and make formal complaint about her.
doctors have duty to pass any child protection concerns to ss. that does not mean ss will take any action / agree with concerns.... hth. keep posting.

bluejelly · 24/02/2007 22:49

I agree with Caligula ( as usual)

kid · 24/02/2007 22:49

Sounds strange. I would remove them from the CM and either put them in nursery 4 days or cut down the days that I worked (if possible)

As you say, her claims are untrue so let SS visit and see for themselves.

I work in a school and SS phoned as someone had reported a child that attends the school. If the CM or Dr has reported you, SS will be in touch with the nursery to get their view.

fireflyfairy2 · 24/02/2007 22:50

How did it get as far as her taking them to pre-school & doctors without asking you?? The very first time she did anything like this I would have been down on her so hard!

Why do they have nursery & preschool as well as a childminder?

I just find it all very confusing.

Sack her immediately & get down to your doctor & find out what the hell is going on. Over here no-one except the parent can make & take the child to a doc appointment!!

Saturn74 · 24/02/2007 22:53

Find a new childminder or add more nursery days.
I wouldn't send the children back to this woman.
Write a formal complaint to OFSTED.

NurseyJo · 24/02/2007 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

honeynut · 25/02/2007 10:00

thanks so much for your messages - they were so helpful.

The first things I did on Friday (next day) was stop them going to the CM and speak to my boss changing my hours at work so I just work mornings. They will go to nursery at those times. That means when my eldest starts school in sep I can pick her up without the need for a CM! I know it was complicated but I organised 2 days CM and 2 days nursery and it was her actions that introduced a THIRD childcare option of preschool (oh and then billed me for it!). I was mainly not happy cos its 2 much for a 4 year old all those different places and also as I said she didnt ask.....

Anyway, I will think about the advice to take action against her once this is sorted, I have been 2 busy giving myself the third degree over what she said but I'm starting to now feel more angry cos I know it isnt true (at least what is inferred by the messy hair and no vests!)ands more importantly she should have talked to me if a problem.....

Anyway thanks again and I will let you know the outcome.....

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 25/02/2007 10:08

If messy hair, jammy face and no vest meant neglect, I'd be in with SS all the time. Am at your childminder, she sounds like she's a bit confused about what her job is ...

edam · 25/02/2007 10:10

Oh honeynut, how awful and what a mad woman your childminder seems to be. Definitely complain to Ofsted about her. Put your concerns in writing to them and to your GP. If ss do get in touch, be constructive - don't act defensively (however reasonable a reaction that might be). And don't feel bad - you've had the misfortune to come across a deeply troubled woman. Sounds almost as if she is suffering from Munchausen's although obviously it would be ridiculous for me to try to diagnose a complete stranger I've never met - but seeking medical attention unnecessarily for your children sounds as if she is disturbed in some way.

Does she look after any other children, or just yours? Wonder if Ofsted have had any other complaints about her.

MamazonAKAfatty · 25/02/2007 10:21

Im an ex social worker and LisaDutton is absolutly correct.

yes the GP would have to pass on the complaint as it is procedure.

the most likely outcome is that you will get a standard letter offering a date to come and visit, when you get this letter you should call the office and explain that in your rudh to get the kids washed dressed and fed before you leave the house very early in the morning you do on occasion run late and leave them with jammy faces, all this does is prove they are well fed!

you should definatly remove the children from her care and i personally would make a complaint to OFFsted about the CM and the fact she has taken it upon herself to make such decisions for your children, if they were so unwell SHE felt they needed a DR she shouldn't have accepted them in the morning, she has no right at all to take them to a GP.

As for your ex, unless there were further investigations made (ie SS wantto take it further and would ned to contact all with parental control of the children) your ex would not need to know anything about it.

PLease don't panic. at the very worst they will come round have a chat and offer to help in anyway they can....be it finding a new (less insane)childminder or putting you int touch with organisatioins that can help you settle into the area etc.

Caligula · 25/02/2007 12:08

"obviously it would be ridiculous for me to try to diagnose a complete stranger I've never met "

Never stopped Dr's Southall or Meadows, Edam, why let it stop you!

Blu · 25/02/2007 12:32

I would cpompletely agree with taking them out of the childminders - and write a clear, calm factual letter stating that you no longer feel you can entrust her with your children sonce she has undertaken things without your permission or knowledge, that you completely refute that messy hair / faces signals any real neglect, and that you are surprised that at no time did she mention anything to you before reporting you to your GP.

Always useful to have things in writing, but no histrionics or insults.

You don't sound, from the tone of your post, that you would be likely to do that anyway!

nearlythree · 25/02/2007 12:34

Agree with Edam, you must complain to stop this woman having other children in her care, she is clearly not well.

WanderingTrolley · 25/02/2007 12:50

Write down as much as you can remember NOW, in case you need it in future - you'll want to know what to say to SS if needs be.

Did your GP share any of the children's (or your) medical information with the childminder?

Well done on removing them from your mental childminder.

Good luck.

Chimpynoodle · 25/02/2007 21:34

I think Social Services have got far more important things to spend their time on than kids with unbrushed hair & sticky faces. In fact, I'm a social worker, & MY dd always has messy hair & is covered in baked beans or worse, so just don't worry about it! Poor you to have been targetted by this nutter... best of luck. xx

edam · 25/02/2007 22:43

LOL Caligula, was thinking more of that other thread where some woman accused her 'friend' of having MSbP because she took her kids to the doctors 'a lot'.

Honeynut, hope you get on OK finding a new childminder and making a formal complaint.

Original poster

honeynut · 26/02/2007 18:58

Hi
Just wanted to let you know that SS came around unannounced today and stayed about 20 minutes. Read out what the CM had said and also that the GP had told her in his opinion my dd had been taken unnecessarily to the surgery - it was "just a cough". thank goodness for that! She said theres not alot they can do about the messy hair jammy face charge and she wondered if the cm was"jealous" of something?????. Well cant think what but who knows cos she is OTT! She also said the CM had wanted to know the outcome of the visit - which she said she would not be feeding back!!!! Anyway the SW told me that the matter would be closed and so hopefully this is the end of it!!!! We visited a new nursery today and the girls seemed to like it so we have booked a series of settling in sessions...feels much better. Thanks for all your messages they were all so helpful!!!

OP posts:

nearlythree · 26/02/2007 21:02

She's jealous of your kids, honey. Wouldn't be surprised if her idea was to put herself forward as foster mother.

hoolagirl · 26/02/2007 21:41

What a nutter, won't say what i would do to her, its not constructive
I think we would all be getting visits from SS if messy hair/faces were grounds for neglect.

PeachyClair · 26/02/2007 21:47

the children sometimes look unkept (not brushed hair and breakfast on their face)

crikey I'm stuffed then!

yes the coughs is a bit mroe like neglect but even so- I think she's way OTT!

I used to work wwith famillies for Homestart and we never referred a family to SS without talking to the parents first, if that was at all possible (unless serious 999 risk obv- even then we'd try). This is bizarre.

FWIW I am always dropping my kids of with remnants of porridge on their mugs, but my CM thinks I am a good parent- I know she told me the ones they worry about are the ones with no body fat coz they had no food, etc etc

Sounds like everything went well anyhow- run, run fast from the psycho! And call the OFSTED people whilst yu're about it- I'd complain to GP as well, whats he doings eeing your child without you?

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