just wondering...how many were pg alone?

[nightowl]

just a thought really. have been reading harman's thread but didnt want to hyjack. how many of us went through pregnancy alone and how did you cope? i did myself and i have to say i didnt find any books or articles that were helpful at the time. what hurt the most? what made you happy or determined? for me i was proud of myself for what i was doing when dd's dad upped and left without a reason but i was sad when i was on the ward and could see all the proud fathers coming to visit their babies...i was sad when i read all the baby magazines and saw things like "get your partner to rub your back" etc etc. i think its not something which is really discussed that much? would be interested to hear anyone's comments.

i was pg on my own. split up with ex p when i was 3 months and haven't seen or spoken to him since i was 6 months. ds is now 3 1/2yrs.

i can remember being upset at 6 months when i spoke to him for the last time-he said he wouldn't be putting his name on the birth cert which really bothered me.

apart from that i haven't been bothered by his absence! i knew really from day one that i would be on my own so just got on with it. i gave birth to ds on my own (obivously with midwives, who were fab!) and felt a real sense of 'me and you against the world'!

ds was in scbu so i was quite distracted and didn't really notice all the dads there.

now 3 1/2 yrs on ds has never met his father and doesn't seem bothered. i just explained to him that all familys are different.

i do occasionally see dads with thier kids and feel sorry/guilty that ds doesn't have that but tbh most of the time i am glad that it's just me and him

how old is your ds/dd nightowl?

i have a ds age 6 and dd age 5 months. her dad upped and left when i was around three months gone. we never argued and got on really well...no explaination. one day he was there, then he wasnt. after an initial two weeks of feeling awful and crying every day i wasnt too bad for the rest of my pg...i think it was more after the birth that it really hit me. i thought once she was here he would change his mind but he didnt. he refused the birth cert aswell which i thought was spiteful. then i found out that although hes never said it to me, hes told all his/our friends that she's not his. not sure whether hes saying that to defend his actions or whether he's convinced himself of it but he certainly has no reason to think like that! my first babba was in SCBU but we did have his dad at the time...i cant imagine what going through that alone must have been like.

have a beautiful ds 26mths, pg alone and did all the milestones, first scan ( wow i was the only person in the whole world who knew he was going to be a boy). Yes it is difficult but really does have its advantages now looking back. Bed all to myself, could cook if and when, and no worries about my changing body scaring anyone. Is so easy to say this now and i probably wouldn't have appreciated anyone telling me the "good points" My waters broke at 10am, phoned good mate who had been looking forward to the birth alot more than me (obviously) and had ds 10pm. DD who had been a one night wonder appeared at hospital, got foto of ds from nurse (baba in scbu) and went to pub. pg is such a special time, i'm really hoping to have another and would definitely not complain if dd was perfect but would go it alone anytime.

hey night owl and maisystar just wondering what you both did, if anything, about the signing of the birth certificate. I perhaps was a bit extreme but felt very strongly like nightowl ex partner left without any explanation and still hasnt given one to anyone. Things were not great when DD came along but as much a shock to me as him!and not irretreviable. Just what i would consider normal ups and downs of relationships. Anyway he told me over his dead body would DD have his surname or his be on the birth certificate. I add she has his surname because i just believed it was the right thing to do for us. Since i was 3months pg i have spoken to him 3 times with mixed messages from him ranging from he should do the right thing to he has hundreds of kids all over and doesnt see any of them (rubbish made up to make me feel even more like pooh!) but anyhow i had to get his name on her birth certificate both for citizenship as she was stateless due to his co operation! and for me. Went to court and he turned up... shock... claimed dd wasnt his.... i was in australia and really only knew him lived with him, socilaised with his sister or him.... get the picture.... like i wish by this point that i had another option! he even went for the dna test.. at my cost .... still waiting for the $800 he owes us.. with a staggering 99.999888% certainty he is her natural father. still trying to get his name on the birth certificate but as soon as we are next in Aus i can do it. Just needs a sighted photo... or him to sign it.... pigs may fly so we'll just have to go and visit the inlaws! anyway just wondered after all that if it still grates.. or you got it sorted. I 'll add i had a hellish pregnancy, two placental haemorages, potential Rh disease, and Ex would declare if he was Pos or neg but his folks told me they were both pos and odffered to give her blood if she needed it. Without them i wouldnt have gotten through it. But DD is now 20 months, im a student nurse and looking forward to going back to Aus for DD to start school. so DD and i just doing great. This will seem sad and i dont know why but in many ways still miss the ex. I think it must be the lack of clousure and complete incomprehension. Also the complete worry that at any point he could come and upset our world and demand to see her. To make you all have achuckle because i can see the ironic side of it, due to going to court for Dna and the still non existance CSA payments, i have to be seen to be offereing access to the ex. This is because i choose to remove her from Australia so i could study and not be broke.... so i have to be able to return at his request and or provide him with 2 return flights a year! thus far he still hasnt asked but hey sods law and all that!

blimey! how complicated is all that chloe!!! i would do anything to get his name on that birth cert. even if he never sees her, i think its downright cruel to have no father's name on it. what do they put actually? does anyone know because i never bought the long copy? i really hope it doesnt say father unknown. i managed to get a message to him via a friend (hes changed all his numbers since he left) and asked him to have a dna test privately, nothing to do with csa (who are after him) if he's so sure she isnt his then he would certainly take it to avoid paying them yeah? well ive had no reply so i take it the slimy git knows damn well she's his. good thing about it though, his refusal makes him look guilty in front of his friend...makes me feel better! now i cant even imagine him holding her...its starting to feel like she was made entirely by me...its a really strange feeling. does everyone feel like that?

Hi nightowl - just passing through here....its just a line on the birth certificate under father's name, place of birth and occupation. You can give baby his name even if he's not there if that's what you want and his name can be added in the future if you can get him to go with you. (sorry, I'm assuming you're in UK)

HTH. Good luck.

i know what you mean nightowl-i can't associate ds with his father at all!!

his name isn't on ds's birth cert-he wouldn't put it on-but it doesn't say father unknown, it's just blank. bit sad but i tell myself it's just a bit of paper.

Yes DD's birth certificate is also blank under fathers name at the mo... but because i really wanted her to have hsi name she does. I beleive i could have called her freda bloggs if id wanted... fortunately for her i didnt! Similar i guess to you nightowl in that ex p knew dd was his and didnt deny it untill the cruch came and a bit of twisting from his fu**wit sister who said in my presence that he didnt have to do anything until i proved she was his. I think that that comment hit the spot so i did prove it.... he still does nothing. Just like you i cannot picture them together abd dread christmas's to come when we may go to the outlaws.. he lives in their back yard! (in a house..)so cant avoid him that easily. In fact i dread him ever wanting access. just to think of handing her over to be with him when im not there sends me into a state of panic!

just thinknig i feel alot better for getting all that off my chest! and having been there although the other side of the world and i have family (his) friend who (helpfully) is a family law lawyer, id get a solicitors letter drawn up? requesting a paternity test? I dont know how the CSA work in the Uk they were very happy to leave it to me to get what i could from him through the Australian CSA. However i thought they would send him for DNA if he denys paternity? I must admit it can be hard. We had to get to the extreme of getting a priviate detective to serve the court summons on him as he refused to answer the door when he saw the solicitor coming. He also said he would be interstate on the court day and would seek representation... he didnt and he did show up. still has no leagal advice and the courts will be at his door again for the CSA demand and court fees he owes us too! thank god my lawyer charges me mates rates! The biggest bit for me has been her grandparents who have been awesome, unfaltering in their acceptance of us. Me as first their friend and then the motehr of their grandchild. And they allready have two others from his sister... i never wanted him to be able to say; how do you know shes your grandchild? to them or worse something to her when she is older along simliar lines. So in many ways the best money ive spent.

Chloe - perhaps he could pay for the flights out of the $800 he owes you for dna test? What a wanker! I am glad you are happy, you deserve to be.

My sister went through her pg alone. She told him on the Wednesday and he was gone on the Saturday. Tosspot. She and her ds are so much better off without him.

dd's grandparents dont want to know...i phoned and before i even got the words out "do you want to see her?" they had slammed the phone down. they dont even know me so how can they judge? ive never met them but i did know their son for five years, 2 1/2 out of which i was with him. i cant understand them. if it was my grandchild i would be there...not that i have to worry about that yet as ds is only 7!

Wow nightowl.... i think phoning the relos is a very brave thing to do! Mine are awesome but i still get butterflies when i have to call them! silly really, lots of emails but speaking to them can be hard for me... realise what they and i am missing out on etc. worry that blood will become thicker and we will be cast off.... If they couldnt be bothered to meet you in 2 1/2 years id suggest that is where the irresponibility come from from the Ex? the idea perhaps that people dont matter? I am very lucky with my outlaws but we were friends before DD and have a lot in common so that helps, but to be so judgemental sucks. Do you do anything along the lines of fathersday cards and xmas, birthday etc for Ex? I make a point of sending pictures and a card from DD on significant days. He of course doesnt reply and i assume they dont even get opened... but i makes me feel like im doing something positive? I enclose photos too, as a tangible link. I dont know if it ever has any impact but it makes me feel better!

i bought him a fathers day card saturday but i chickened out sending it...still in two minds and now its too late already. theres so many things i planned to do...take her to his house etc but part of me thinks "just leave it now" too much like putting myself in the firing line and im not sure how many times i can take rejection really. not me, i dont care what they do to me but for dd you know? perhaps like you say, even if it doesnt get opened i should still send it?

Oh yeah night owl id send it even now its well late.. hes a bit behind in the father stakes too isnt he . i have remembered to buy a fathers day card to send for aussie fathers day. I too have done the considering to go round.. whilst we were still there, but like you say its not fair on DD and i just get upset with the rejection and the hurt comes to the fore again. I do know that everything i send remains un opened but i figure just having sent it makes me feel like ive filled my obligation to make an effort to get him into her life. Just having to tear it up and put it in the bin.. which i add is an anger response and a sure sign he hasnt got his head round any of it helps me feel that he has to remember us for at least 30 seconds. And if he does open it he can see her in the photos i enclose. So i may be made but im practicle. No longer send real photos his folks get them, he gets computer print outs, lighter and less expensive!
so i guess its selfish but it helps. Dont know how people move on from these nightmare situations but i guess they do. Im just making every effort to be everything he isnt. Get a good job, buy a house, return to aus, be a reliable and me type of parent... not a good one as im not sure you can quantify a good parent? and move on that way... be a better person?

I left exp at half way through the pregnancy. It was difficult, especially cos I was in a refuge, but my biggest regret was letting him still attend the birth.
I found it so stressful him being there it was really painful and really not the experience it should have been.
On a positive note, it was nice not having to worry about looking after him and being able to relax and put my feet up as much as I liked in the last 3 months!

G Poppy ... it was one thing that ive wondered about? DD's dad stated at one point he thought he may want to be there. Changed his mind but ive always wondered what it would have been like. I suppose for me I'd have hoped he would have had a change of heart nad realised im not some awful person. I think it would have freaked me out to have had him there. Likewise it was not a plesant experience and most of the time i was a little out of it. The midwives were fab and so was DD's dads mother!

i think if my dd's dad had been there for the birth i would have happily pulled his bits off...as it was i spent a lot of time swearing about him. but then he hadnt been around for the last six months of my pg so who knows? if hed have attended scans etc with me then perhaps id have wanted him there. i still havent sent that card you know im too frightened and its already a week late!!

LOL, i was tempted to do that, nightowl

My exp was never involved in the preg, just turned up on the day and baby was 10 lb 7 and it has realy put me off having any more babies.

It was just a pity because I really loved the experience first time round.

Poppy 10.7 is just too big! DD was 8.2 and i thought that was too much!
Nightowl.... just send it.. go to the post office and get a stamp... 2nd class will do nicely and send it... i can almost assure you he will not respond but i will put hard earned cash on it making you feel just a little vindicated!

i guess so...sometimes i hope and hope that he will take an interest but i know its not going to happen. i keep thinking that hes convinced himself shes not his (because thats what hes like)and if i can just prove to him she is then it will all be different...but it wont. he wont let me prove it. b***d.

I did send cards at first, cos it felt the right thing to do. I gotta be honest though, I don't bother now!

It didn't last very long. The kids see him every other weekend, but other than that we have no relations whatsoever. Even for kids birthday etc. we have seperate celebrations and exp keeps all their presents from him and his side of the family at his house.

It's rather sad really, i would have liked to try to maintain relations, but he was very bitter that I left him. I think you have to try for the kids sake really, but try not to be dissapointed if things don't work out. Things are better for us now, as we can't stand one another so it's best that the kids don't have to see any hostilities.

Hey poppy at least your kids get some contact... id admit that if DD's dad would see her it would in many ways make my life! Nightowl... i empathise completely on the he wont let me prove it line.... all i can say is that it will only take one of his pals or relos to say he is right and 'the kid' isnt/ may not be his and he will believe it! ex p had no doubts whilst we were still in talking mode but once that broke down she was no longer his,... he even said in court that he had no proof she was his.... and didnt believe she was. i offered him countless dna tests before i took the plunge and took him to court. At least i could ,i guess id be very p**sed off if i couldnt have done that. I dont know how to do it over here but im sure there is a way? Just considering sending him some fresh pictures this week. again i know they wont be looked at.. or at least i tell myself that to be able survive? It still makes me feel better t know tht ive made an effort. As i said before just for those two seconds of recognition that we exists i hope has some small impact on him? It is very frustrating and as ive said i wouldnt know what to do if he did want to see her?

something sad and pathetic but i watched corrie this week and steve macdonald had a birthday card from his duaghter.....his gf ripped it up to bits and i can just see dd's daddy's gf doing the same...dunno if i can send it now. the thought of my little girl's piccy being ripped up is too much to bear

awww nightowl, thats tv!
That would be a horrible thing to do, is his gf that bad?

Hey nightowl.... i athched it too and its really hard not to put yourself into the shoes of characters on tv. I can say ive been there done that etc... first lori in neighbours....then like you corrie. Its really tough but i try and remember that what im living is real. Its hard to keep perspective and i often stuggle to keep my imagination in check. Dont think of his GF if he has told her it will do no harm for her to be reminded of her existance. The card will be for him and id gues he will no your writing and not open it in front of her? anyhow i always think ive done my bit by just sending something. If he or she is still so angry about it there must be some ground for change?
DD's dads last girlfriend... unless he has had others was 19 ( he is 31 nearly 32) and im sure she knew nothing of DD. Id suggest in most cases this is the case. I at least know that when he finds his perfect woman... litrally she will have to be perfect, he will introduce her to his folks and DD's photo is all over their walls. so at some point she will come up so to speak. They would also tell me if he had a serious GF. Somehow it makes it harder i find to think he is single or not is a significant relationship and still wont accept DD. He left me beacsue he still had feelings for his ex GF who spent 12 months sleeping around behind his back. so i spend many hours considering why someone like that was better than me? not to prejudice but she was also not attractive by average standards and although i was and nearly am again a size 14 she was a good size 28/ 20. ummm now thats a hard one to swallow. I dont know if its ever going to go away. Another point i thought of associated to being Pg alone was that i still often fabricate why ex p isnt with us.. distance, me persuing career... etc.. the list is endless. I feel so ofetn that some how its a blight on my personality? In our relationship i cooked (mostly) washed, cleaned the house and paid my way in food and dog food. he wouldnt let me contribute twoards the rent as it was minimal and came out of his account s/o. His ex did nothing had her mail sent to her parents house after a 5 year relationship, didnt contribute etc etc. sex life was fab... even broke the bed possibly hence DD! got on with all his mates... his folks are still friends.... so what else was i meant to do? yet still i feel like it was my fault! ahhhhhhhhhhhh