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Lone parents

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Original poster

How to... end it?

36 replies

whattodo · 21/05/2004 00:25

have changed my name for this as it's very raw...
I need some help and not sure what to do.
I think me and dh have got to the end of the road in the relationship- he has his problems which he is unable to admit and sort out (drink and cannabis addiction) and I have my own (mental health issues) which I am trying to sort out.
Don't think we can salvage anything (after 5 very rough years ie since kids)
What i need to know is a)how do we separate- given that he won't leave the family home,and has the capacity to turn very vindictive?

are there any websites/helplines etc that I should be looking at...
Any advice welcome...

OP posts:
nightowl · 21/05/2004 00:40

im sorry but i dont have any advice....i do know where you're coming from...ive had the same. im sure you will have lots of intelligent advice from other people on here. feel free to contact me if you want...i cant help much but i can listen xx you have my support anyway FWIW. take care. if you want to chat, ill be up late.

Original poster
whattodo · 21/05/2004 00:46

Thanks nightowl.. im exhausted but can't sleep.
Feel like I can't keep making excuses for him anymore- giving him lots of opportunities as he's always saying he wants us to work at it... yet he can't seem to see that we BOTH have to work at it- ie not just me...he doesn't seem to think that he has any problems - easier to point the finger at me.

OP posts:
nightowl · 21/05/2004 00:57

thats always the way...my ex had problems that stemmed from his childhood...it was initally the thing that brought us together as we understood what each other had been through. however, i was willing to move on and he just couldnt. it had affected him very badly which led to his jealousy and violent outbursts. in the end we made a clean break. it was ok for me because he's not a vengeful person...he wouldnt go out of his way to ruin anyone's life IYSWIM...im not sure what i would have done if the threat of nastyness had still been there however? are you really frightened of him?

Original poster
whattodo · 21/05/2004 01:03

it's not so much frightened i think as aware that things could get very unpleasant (not violent as such) - but think he's the sort of person who would make things as difficult as possible because he doesn't want us to split. Which if i had no kids I could cope with - it's the effect on them really that I am concerned about.

OP posts:
nightowl · 21/05/2004 01:22

i can understand that totally...i think you have to weigh up how much damage your relationship may do to children/child compared to if you split? and also, if you have mental health issues...how much damage is he doing to you? i know how hard it is to break away but sometimes it really is the best thing for all parties concerned. you may actually be better friends if you split? thats what happened to me and ex and im sure it was better for ds aswell. its a REALLY hard thing to do though.

Bettybloo · 21/05/2004 01:31

What is the situation with the family home whattodo? Is it rented/mortgaged/in joint names?
I'm sorry, I can't help in terms of websites or anything, but Im sure there'll be loads of useful advice from people in the morning. FWIW, I think you've made a brave and right decision in making the break - acohol, drugs and small children don't mix (IMO) and until he can begin to address your issues with that, then there's no "working at it".
Sorry I'm not much help - though I would recmmend getting to your nearest CAB as soon as possible, but just wanted to offer support.

Original poster
whattodo · 21/05/2004 08:16

bb-it'a joint mortgage.
I think I am just very unclear as to the steps I should be taking now... guess it's legal advice I need...but imagine once the lawyers are involved it's just going to cost big time.
Is there anything I can do pre lawyer?

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 21/05/2004 08:54

Go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau - they are really excellent and will give you lots of info about what you need to do next. They will have a list of solicitors, and will be able to tell you if you qualify for legal aid. They're also very sympathetic.

So sorry you're going through this - thinking of you X

aloha · 21/05/2004 09:31

The CAB is a good place to start. Also, you may well qualify for legal aid and if not, you will probably be able to pay any legal fees after your divorce out of the settlement. Ask your solicitor to give you a quote for he divorce. You can divorce your husband for unreasonable behaviour very easily - it doesn't require any level of proof and is never refused - he might want to fight it but he won't succeed. If you can't agree on a financial division of assets, then the court will decide for you. Do you both work?
It doesn't really matter about the mortgage being in joint names or not. Marriage means it is all in a communal pot and can be divided up in whatever way the court thinks fairest. You may well be able to stay in your own home with the children. When it becomes more real to him that you mean this he may agree to move out. This often happens even with really stubborn, unreasonable and even violent men. Good luck. It sounds as if you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
whattodo · 21/05/2004 13:05

Thanks all- phones seem to be out of action at moment- was going to call CAB.
I think a seperation would be the first step- but can't see that happening until he is forced out somehow.
Any idea how much it all costs?(sorry to keep harping - but I am not earning and he has been paying mortgage since I became SAHM... also worried he may use my depression/mental health issues to claim I am unfit mother or something(as I say he has capacity to be vindictive).. where do I stand re the kids?

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 21/05/2004 13:17

If you have no income of your own then you should get legal aid to cover your legal expenses.

I can't answer your question about where you stand with the kids - your first port of call after CAB really must be a solicitor who will be able to clarify that sort of thing with you.

Would it be worth contacting MIND re: mental health issues in situations like this? They may have more specialist advice to offer?

Sorry I can't be more help

Original poster
whattodo · 21/05/2004 13:23

thanks space monkey... Mind may be a good idea... or does anyone know of any good womens aid places (you always tend to think that they're for 'other' people- but seems I am now becoming one of those other people)

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 21/05/2004 13:25

If you look in your local yellow pages or phone book there should be a women's refuge number in there - they might be good to talk to even if you don't choose to leave the family home. Would be better to make him leave I would think!

nightowl · 22/05/2004 00:40

hows you today whattodo?

essbee · 22/05/2004 00:52

Message withdrawn

Original poster
whattodo · 22/05/2004 15:26

esbee- how you get hime to leave..?
nightowl thanks for concern...muddling along I think...
he's giving me all the emotional stuff at the mo.. you know.. so you want the kids to have no father then>>>> etc etc..
Says he wants to keep trying... I would too if I thought he could change.. he just doesn't seem able to.... plus doesn't see that he has a problem (ie all mine)
whatto do what to do??

OP posts:
essbee · 25/05/2004 23:21

Message withdrawn

babysteffee · 31/05/2004 19:04

whattodo, sounds like abuse to me, if he's threatening you like that. You could ring Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 just for a chat. They know what they're talking about and will have heard a similar story before.

Essbee, I know what you mean. I had my husband arrested last Thursday for kicking me in the face and breaking my nose. He's on bail at the moment and can't come back, but I've told him if he's really sorry (like he says, yeah right) he hasn't to come back until I'm ready, which might be never. If he does, I'll go to a refuge, does he want that?

Miaou · 31/05/2004 19:14

Hi whattodo, try \linkwww.ondivorce.co.uk/this{} - the chatroom is very supportive and full of good advice, not just for those going through divorce but people in your position too. Good website - a friend told me about it so I had a look.

Original poster
whattodo · 31/05/2004 22:43

Thanks all.. still mulling over things... dh has gone away for a few days- I am hoping he will get his head/act together.
He keeps saying he wants us to work it out... and I really do too... butbutbut... if he can't change his ways ie GROW UP.. and take responsibility as a parent then I can't really keep propping him up...
this whole thing has made me realise though that I do not want to be dependant on anyone for anything...so must start earning again....

OP posts:
Isla · 12/09/2004 18:10

Hi, am new to this website but feel that I am in a similar position. I have been married for 10 years and the last five have been really hard (have been on anti-depressants for 3 years now). My husband works 7 days a week and I have bought up two girls on my own during this period. I soon start work and having been housebound for 3 years, over the last 2 years have been going out once a week and realised that there is life outside the home and I want it. My marriage is effectively over, I have tried talking, writing letters etc but he doesn't listen to me (he's always right!). He won't leave the family home, insisting that if I'm unhappy I should be the one to move out. Because he is not violent the Council will not rehome me, no money for deposit to rent anywhere - how do I persuade him to leave? He also says he will go for custody of the children citing my mental health problems - I'm not suicidal and have never done anything awful - well apart from cry alot! Sorry to ramble - I don't know what to do!

tammybear · 12/09/2004 18:22

Hi Isla, sorry you're having to go through this. They dont make it easy for us do they? I suggest you go to see a solicitor, find one who does legal aid so you dont have to pay. They would probably recommend mediation though, which is when you both sit down with someone to outline issues such as your children, property, money etc. Also, if you are sure you want to split up, you can apply to the courts to let them decide what can be done about your home, such as selling it and getting your share. You will be entitled to half of everything if you get divorced. Are you wanting to get a divorce or just seperate? xxx

Isla · 12/09/2004 19:56

Thanks Tammybear - No they don't make it easy - I suppose why should they but its just awful living with someone you don't love or particularly like anymore. I think a divorce will be inevitable at some stage but just breathing space would be good at the moment. Have gone to one Relate session but that didn't go particularly well and he has said he doesn't want to waste money on going to something if my mind is already made up. So we're in a stalemate position at the moment. I will go and have a chat with a solicitor though. x

tammybear · 12/09/2004 20:04

oh dear. so its over in his mind as well then? you could always go to relate yourself you know. he doesnt need to know you go, and you only have to contribute what you can. when i went, i just paid £10. they can support you with this, and they do counselling, and help with break ups as well as trying to help keep them together. do you have family or friends that you could stay with maybe? or that are there to support you?

Isla · 12/09/2004 21:55

Problem is that he doesn't want to leave the children (which I understand) but how does he think that by me taking them somewhere else and upsetting their home, school etc that that will be good for them? I don't want him to stop seeing the children, far from it, but I think we have come to the end of the road - and I feel a real failure on that score, no-one gets married thinking it won't last do they? Yes I have friends who are being really supportive and I God knows where I would be without them, but none of them can actually offer me and my girls a roof over our heads - and I don't know how long it would be for either. I feel really trapped and just incredibily sad.