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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

How to... end it?

36 replies

whattodo · 21/05/2004 00:25

have changed my name for this as it's very raw...
I need some help and not sure what to do.
I think me and dh have got to the end of the road in the relationship- he has his problems which he is unable to admit and sort out (drink and cannabis addiction) and I have my own (mental health issues) which I am trying to sort out.
Don't think we can salvage anything (after 5 very rough years ie since kids)
What i need to know is a)how do we separate- given that he won't leave the family home,and has the capacity to turn very vindictive?

are there any websites/helplines etc that I should be looking at...
Any advice welcome...

OP posts:
tammybear · 12/09/2004 22:44

im glad that you're getting support. I left my exp as I wasnt happy with him, and I thought if I werent happy then how can my dd be? It will most likely upset them, but at the end of the day if they still have contact with their father than its not a complete loss. The best thing for you is to go to a solicitor asap and talk things through with them, they can give you a better idea of where you stand.xxx

Isla · 12/09/2004 23:07

I've read some other threads of other bits and bobs here and from what you've said elsewhere it would seem that you were in a similar position to me. No I'm not happy and I feel that my life doesn't revolve around my children, that I have a right to a life as well - apparently that makes me the most selfish woman alive! Will be contacting either CAB or a solicitor tomorrow - thanks for your support - much appreciated.

tammybear · 12/09/2004 23:16

of course it doesnt make you the most selfish woman alive. you're entitled to a life of your own, even if you have children. besides if that makes you selfish, then i must be selfish too! and i dont regret leaving my exp. i believe a child is better off with parents apart than parents together who are unhappy and creating an unhappy environment for the child to grow up in. of course it is different for every person. my dd was 8 months at the time of my split up with her father so it hasnt bothered her. like i said i dont regret it, and being a single mum has probably made me a better and stronger person than i was before. im usually on here so if you need a chat, ill be lurking around

Isla · 12/09/2004 23:31

Thank you - its good to know that I'm not completely on my own and that there are like-minded people around. Cheers!

nikkim · 12/09/2004 23:49

Isla I don't know your full situation but I find it hard to believe that you would loose custody of your children becauswe of depression. Right or wrong men rarely get custody.

I left my husband after years of bullying which resulted in a number of suicide attempts on my behalf and admssion into hospital. My ex husband tried to get custody, and hired a very expensive lawyer, and got nowhere. I don't know how old your children are but I was advised to almost advertise the fact that I am a good mum who adnits to having difficulties bit is working on them. So I took my daughter to lots of playgroups, a family centre, homestart and took any help that I could. I even phoned social services and informed them that I was moving into the area and had mental health issues and would welcome any help they could give me!That meant that if I needed it there were a mass off proffessional people who could vouch for me.

As for housing I symapthise as my ex dh kicked me and my daughter out and as he wasn't violent often enough ( I know daft but it was what I was told at the time!) and he earnt too much money so we weren't eligible for housing. I was told I could have a council house but would have to wait eight years or three years for a housing association. We lived in hospital for four months and then lived with relatives and then bed and breakfasts for a bit while I flogged bits of jewellry and begged and borrowed to get money togther for a deposit on a rented house. Does your council do a rent bond scheme, many do? Do you own your house, if so I can't imagine that the law will allow your husband to stay and leave you and your kids out on the street. It only happened to me because the situation was very complicated.

I don't know how serious your depression is, would you be eligible for dla, i claimed it for a while and it just helped me make ends meet while i was getting back on my feet.

On a happier note there is light at the end of the tunnel, although I am not going to pretend the process is easy. I ahve just bought my own house, that noone can ever take away from me (well except the bank) and more imortantly am a much happier and stronger person. A woman my daughter can look up to and feel proud of rather than feel sorry for which would have been the case if I had remained married.

Isla · 13/09/2004 07:50

Nikkim - it sounds like you've had a truly dreadful time of it - well done on getting yourself back on top. The Council basically said that because he is not violent they couldn't do anything and also on paper I own half a house. The fact that the person who owns the other half won't leave it doesn't seem to matter!

merglemergle · 13/09/2004 08:10

I don't think you're being given correct advice by the Council.

If you have nowhere you can go, they should re-house you. If you have a house but are unable to live in it, through no fault of your own you should be seen as unintentionally homeless. Because you have kids, you should be seen as vunerable and so you should be housed. The thing is it will probably be in a temporary hostel which may be completley unsuitable for kids. EVENUALLY you should get a council house.

Make an appointment with the Homelessness section of your local council. Also talk to your CAB as they will be familiar with your local situation. Alternatlively many councils run a "housing help" centre.

You should also be able to get housing benefit in a situation like this, epecially if you are in an abusive relationship. Other alternatives might be trying to get on other social landlords waiting lists. Many councils run a bond scheme (bascially they give you your deposit) which might help. You might not qualify however as they often exclude people who should be housed by Homelessness.

As I recall, the fact that your relationship has ended should be enough to justify your leaving the house, let alone the abuse.

Another alternative is to get an injunction, change the locks etc. Presumably he SOMETIMES leaves the house?

Mind run an organisation called Women in Mind. They are geared up to support women-eg all the project workers are women,. They seem to work closely with Womens Aid, NSPCC (for support for your children) etc. My experience of them is that they are fantastic, they really offer people a lot of support and people can't say enough good things about them. In our area there is a waiting list so an alternative would be Women's Aid, who also offer support workers.

I really hope it gets better.

aloha · 13/09/2004 10:06

Go to the CAB for advice. It's free and unbiased.

jura · 13/09/2004 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isla · 16/09/2004 14:52

Hey Jura - thanks for being around. Have got a Relate sess booked on Tuesday which I'm dreading. Called and confirmed it today and ended up bursting into tears on the phone ! Still I shall pop along and see what they have to say for themselves. Shall inform you of my progress.

jura · 22/09/2004 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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