Maintenance

[Bythebeach]

Am currently having to bite my tongue and not erupt so please help me vent on here so that I can be the bigger person and try to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of my son!

Over the last year, ex has missed five months of payments and has several months missing from the previous year. I have reminded him verbally and he did apologise and say he would 'sort it out' but hasn't and I have finally resorted to email asking for regular payments and back payment for the last five months but have had a less than apologetic reply from his wife asking for me to detail all the missed payments. I have of course done this.

We have always had a private arrangement set up as the CSA recommended amount 10 years ago. He has never volunteered any increase and I have never asked for one to avoid conflict and keep good relations but he reduced amounts appropriately for the births of the children of his current family and I did not quibble this. I am hurt that when I asked for the missing payments in my email, I had a sceptical email back from his wife! I have extended trust to them by not questioning the maintenance amount and not forcing the issue and it feels like the moment I ask him to live up to his legal reponsibility to provide for his son, they are borderline hostile.

I think I feel excessive rage as I have always done my best to promote a good relationship with my ex but in the last two years my poor son has been much less happy visiting his dad. I asked his father repeatedly if it were possible to give my son a weekend or even day just the two of them (as I have seen advised on here) as I feel part of his unhappiness is down to a particularly tricky sibling in his dad's family but this has not happened. I have always reminded and encouraged my son to Skype his dad but after Oct 15 half-term visit, he had been really unhappy and I was excessively busy at work. I asked once or twice if he wanted to Skype but he did not and his dad did not try once nor ask to Skype yet I had a shirty text after the Xmas visit asking for regular Skype sessions which felt as if it implied I had prevented them. For once, I had not actively promoted them but in no way had I stopped them and I feel they have never given me any credit for the way I have tried to promote the father-son relationship but are quick to blame. They also appear to throw their weight about on random issues at random times and I try to listen seriously to their input yet for weeks on end they appear to forget my son and have no involvement at all!

I guess though I am extremely relieved that I am not married to a man who is so irresponsible he does not provide for his first born child and is not even man enough (oh god -anathema to feminists-I apologise for using that phrase) to reply to me directly when asked for maintenance but has to hide behind his wife. I am sorry though, because I so much wanted my son to have a father worthy of respect and it is very hard to respect him!

Do you know..I would ignore any reference to her. Somethings not responding too are for the better.
Just a question what do you think would happen if you didn't text him.
Would he be in touch to arrange contact.

You do know it is your job to make your DS available for contact not force something your DS doesn't even seem to want.

Tell this woman where to go and tell your ex you will only deal with his spineless self!

The problem is ex appears completely in her thrall. I am not sure what would happen if I point blank refused to acknowledge her. But I think that would then become a major issue and whilst I agree he is spineless and should be able to communicate independently with me about our son, he is unwilling or unable to do so and me pushing back against this issue will distract from the central issue of DS's happiness. Ex would contact regarding visits-but would demand long visits that son is currently unhappy with with no concession to what son needs (own space/bed/ideally a room. Some one on one time. Shorter visits.)

Just a thought - has anyone used mediation/family counselling to improve relations between resident and non resident parents after a deterioration in relations? I would love to feel less trampled over and hurt. It is so hard to support my son in a relationship with his dad when I feel his dad has taken all the efforts I have made over a decade to support the father-son relationship for granted and completely appears not to realise that his son not wanting to see him much is because he prioritised him below his wife and new kids. I guess there is no way he will ever see that because if he did, it would be soul-destroying for him.

Why does their travel cost get deducted from maintenance?? Day to day don't suddenly stop!

Bythebeach I have no useful information but just wanted to lend support. I am in a similar situation, exH has moved away, has become hostile and uncommunicative, reduced contact to the bare minimum, but tries to bully me. The latest issue is Christmas- even though the last 2?years we've split Christmas Eve/day and the year before that he had them for the entire Christmas 2?weeks, he has demanded to have them the entire Christmas period this year. He ignores my replies, won't answer his phone to me and is currently ugnoring an email.

We didn't need mediation when we divorced but we definitely need something now. I am happy to talk but am hitting a brick wall of hostility where he's not prepared to discuss or compromise on what he wants. I sympathise, it's really crap.

If your son is now 12? Surely it's up to him to decide if he wants to see his dad and dads family from now on,you can encourage him to go but I wouldn't make him.

Duchess-I'm so sorry you are in a similar situation. I thought we had an amicable relationship - I see now that it was amicable because I did as they asked. Mostly, it was not unreasonable and the few times it was, I didn't challenge over the many years for the sake of an ongoing harmonious relationship. But now it's broken, it's very painful and I feel I've let my son down. I hope you get Christmas sorted - stand firm and put your kids well being at the heart of what you push for - it's not for the dad's pleasure (or yours) but what is right for your kid.

Clue sue - it's complicated because he doesn't want to visit his dad but he does want his dad to love him and approve of him. He said to me today he wished he could just Skype each week and not visit at half-term but is worried about upsetting his dad. He also feels secondary to his dad's other kids and craves some sign his dad will prioritise him for once. His dad is an idiot though - I had not realised that over a decade of visits he has no bed/drawer/cupboard/space to call his own there!!!! I am stupid too because I completely assumed he would.

I so get the havingnothing.

My DCs had a duvet cover that was theirs at their fathers house, whcih they shared, there was no other trace of them in the house.

It was soul destroying for them

Yes it's the hypocrisy of telling them it's their home but giving them nothing/making no concession to their presence. DS genuinely felt mixed up and once said to 'daddy says it's my home too but it doesn't feel like home' and felt bad he didn't feel it was home at all! Not surprising with no bed and no space. Even worse that 6 years ago he did but once other kids came along it was all taken away - understandable they can't conjure up another room - but surely a bed or at a couple of shelves or a drawer to keep his stuff when he's there!!

Hi Beach - I read your thread with interest. My thinking is that your son is old enough for his wishes to be respected - it is not fair to force him to go to his father's new family if he does not want to spend a lot of time there . My suggestion would be to first sit your son down and explain to your son (i) he can choose what contact he wants and when - he is old enough (ii) if he wants more one to one time you could explain that to dad but you cannot control dad - it is up to dad to decide on that (iii) you will support him whatever he decides - you will enable any contact that he wants (iv) it is hard but he may not get what he wants from his dad (or his mum for that matter) - parents are not perfect and his dad may not feel he can give him the one to one time he wants right now or the drawer to himself that he wants (v) you do not have the power to make dad do what your son wants.

You could then speak to dad (can you actually speak to dad? - if not email - ridiculous) and explain that your son has been unhappy with the contact for a long time and what he has said to you in a matter of fact way (ie no bias and no judgments on dad or new OW - ie through gritted teeth) . Tell him that that you will support and enable whatever your son wants by way of contact but you will not push him to do what he is not comfortable with - this is what you have been doing over the last [x] months/years without any thanks in the interests of ensuring that your son maintains a good relationship with dad, but that it is not fair on son and is not working as he is unhappy. Explain all the above points you made to your son and what the outcome was in terms of the contact that he would like. Tell him that you will enable this contact by x,y,z .. but you will not force him into contact arrangements that he is not comfortable with.

Can I suggest also that your son has a mobile? Your exH can then communicate directly and nag him by text to do the skype sessions. If he is anything like my exH he is crap at communicating and would never do the running and .. and this particular problem and the stress and guilt your child is probably feeling as a result of it will go away at least.

Thanks for the reply Paranoid. Over the year, I think ex has started to understand my son's wish for one to one time but there is no easy communicating with him at present and other than two (recorded!) phone calls with ex and his wife which had to be pre-arranged and which they do not wish to continue, there is only stilted communication by email. I very much agree that I should tell my son that I cannot make his dad do what son requests - and that is the line I have been taking. My son requested a 3 night visit to his dad for Oct half-term, which went off well but he has expressed no desire for a longer visit at Xmas and the ex proposed a further 3 night visit for Xmas which I checked with my son and he has agreed to.
I have found a counsellor for my son because I think he has found the breakdown of my amicable relationship with his dad distressing and he feels v guilty thinking it is his fault because his dad didn't believe me when I relayed his distress and he feels it is his fault because he asked me to tell his dad but never showed/told his dad he was so unhappy because he didn't want to upset or disappoint him - which he appreciates fuelled his dad's lack of trust in me. He has had stressful conversations with his dad and wife about why 'mummy didn't tell them things' which he abhorred.
I feel ground down by the whole thing but am beginning to make my peace with it. I will enable my son to see his dad in accordance with my son's wishes - I no longer feel any duty to promote or encourage lengthy/frequent contact but I guess I will always err towards gentle encouragement of some contact because it is probably still better for my son to keep some sort of relationship with his bio dad. I am just so sad that the ex is so weak and prefers to hate/blame than to try to understand his own lapses for son's decreasing happiness at his house! I know it is easier to blame than take responsibility - but I never would have thought ex would be quite so pathetic.