Acsess to my son and what to do

[NRDAD]

Hi i know its prob unusal for a man to post hre but i would like a womans opinion. Me and my ex split nearly a year ago. Awhile ago we had a reasonable arrangement where our boy was with me tue night wed night then for tea on a thur then alternated 24 hours over night at weekends altho tues was not what she feels she agreed to but was easy for her with work so was getting maintance like i only had 2 overnights which i didnt really care about because i got to have him. After a rather brutal argument on both sides (i wont claim to be inocent in that) she said i had been a dick and took tue from me as punishment.

I pay over what csa say i should and still buy clothes toy ect. She is now demanding i pay half nursery fee for the 2 days a week he goes ( although she recives a wage child maintance from me and all other benifits totalling nearly 2000 while im forced to live off under 1000) and has told me if i dont pay it i will go down to 1 night at the weekend and that is it untill courts tell her other wise.

I dont want to go to court as feel it is a stress emotianally and money wise for everyone involved me her and our child but its looking as if thats how it will have to be done. I am a good father who loves his son to bit and he loves me most times when he has to go back he asks if he can just stay with me which breaks my heart but i know they both love each other too and no matter how much i personally dont get on with the ex i could never come between them having a good full relationship. All i want is the same chance

Bit of a novel there but my questions are

Am i being unreasonable ?
What are my chances of getting split custody through the courts ?
How should i handle my ex on this point ?

[NRDAD]

My son can not say what is good for him all i can go on is what i beleive is good for him and i think that is to have equal relationships with both parents ( which scientific studies shown to be true) and like i have said read through my posts and you will see what i have said is that i feel that is what is best for my son what else can i go on APART FROM WHAT I THINK IS BEST FOR HIM ? ofcourse theres abit of me wanting to have this time with him too what parent wouldnt ?

I have been told im not allowed to go see him at the house and im not allowed to see him outside my set times not even just to go to the park which is round the corner from his home

I have to buy him stuff because if he needs new shoes or anything else im not going to see him go with out. Also when i moved out i was told i was not allowed to take any of his clothes or toys. So have had to buy him new stuff for when he is with me but if he comes round with a jacket thats getting to small or tattie shoes and his mother doesnt replace them what should i do just leave him like that. No im going to buy the things he needs without question.

It wasnt me who made money about time with him. I was told if i didnt give her more that she would cut my time with him.

Our split may not have been good but i have always tried to keep that separate from issues with the house and my son just because me and his mum dont get on doesnt mean he should suffer

[NRDAD]

She deff gets that much we have a joint account that she refuses to take my name off all her money goe in there and i get a monthly statement

[NRDAD]

Shes not getting 2000 in just benefits thats all together wages benefit and child support

[HermioneWeasley]

If it is as you describe, the. She's being completely unreasonable and you are going to have to go down a legal route, or she'll threaten you with reducing contact every single time to get her own way.

I think you are going to have to let the CSA set maintenance and courts set contact. Assuming CSA is less than what you're paying, you can then top up by replacing shoes etc.

BTW, I agree that when both parents are decent parents and logistics allow, then an equal split is best for the child.

[NRDAD]

Thank you hemione. Yes i feel everything is going to have to go down a legal route to so that she cant pull this when ever she feels like it. It has been a very trying time. There have been health issues outside of the situation with the ex and my son to deal with which has made it all that more difficult to deal with ( i had cancer but have finished treatment now and am better)

[NRDAD]

I must say i feel that child support and benefit are to pay for all his costs so why would that not included childcare ? Although i do beleive she is probablly claiming she has him for more time then she really does. On top of the time he is with me He also spends a monday night with her mother because she babysits on a mon tue so the ex can go to work

[NRDAD]

His mother would still have all these costs even if he wasnt there just as i do but i dont receive any child support for when he is with me or benefit

[starry0ne]

As I read this you are both using the child as a pawn...

I am left wondering how different your parenting styles are and the stuff I have read is 50/50 can work well when both parents are working together...

Maybe mediation might be a better route

[NRDAD]

Trust me im not using him as a pawn i ve said time and time again i dont want to take anything away from there relationship i dont want anything from her or to have any affect or control in her life i just want to be an equal parent to my son.

As for mediation i would be willing to try it but anything j suggest just gets ignored. Shes even ignoring solicitors letters they were sent more then 2 months ago and still no reply. My solicitor has said to try 1 last time then it is court and as the ex said she will take my time with him till the court tells her otherwise

[fitforflighting]

Were you having him 3 days plus Thursday for tea before every week or was the weekend every other weekend. If you were having him 3 and a half days the csa reduce the amount of maintenance based on that. However if you paid more then that is nothing to do with them.

There are two completely separate issues here.

You need to go to mediation or court in regards to access.

With regards to the money no child maintenance does not usually include nursery costs on the day with the NR parent unless stipulated.

Maintenance costs are to cover the Childs costs with the resident parent. They are not to pay for meals or costs of things the NR parent do with them.

For simple reasons.
Resident parent could get £100 a week maintenance and not need childcare on the days they have the child.
The NR might need childcare on the days they have the child and if the Resident parent had to use maintenance to pay those costs they could be massively out of pocket.

So you have two options. Carry on as you are and pay the day nursery or reduce your maintenance to the csa level and pay the day nursery.

Yes she would have costs for the house if the child was not there but he is and she is the resident parent and he needs a roof over his head and the costs involved with that. She will if anything like me keep the house warmer when the child is there, more food, when he goes to school there will be dinner money, milk and toast money, trip money, costumes for theme days, non uniform donations, it is never ending. I paid a massive amount to school last year.

[mrssmith79]

So every time you slight your ex she takes a days custody away from you as 'punishment'?
Fucking disgusting. Get this sorted legally and properly - document everything and don't rise to any bait. And step away from this thread, it's (so far) less than helpful.

[NRDAD]

Yes i was having him 3 night over night a week including 1 of those nights at the weekend every week and a thur for tea but tue was not part of the original agreement it was just easy for her with work so every weekend i would be asked if i could take him for the night on tues this went on for 4/5 months so became the norm till we had an argument then she told me that i wouldnt get him then any more hes at her mums till all hours that night now till she can get back to pick him up.

Yes i get she has to pay this that and the next thing as do i we all have bills and i need to provide for him when he is with me to wih a roof over his head heating food elec clothes toys and other stuff but i also have to pay child support on top of that. i get NO help with any of that but if its rightthat i have to pay that which i will wait for my solicitor to say then im aswell just taking my hours down and having the day with him myself and she ll get less money from me which will cause the same problem as im having with her now

[NRDAD]

Im not taking legal advice from this thread i just wanted to see what a womans opioion on the matter was dont worry about that.

From what i can see is that its kind of split 50/50 some of you guy are quite clearly decent people and good parent while some clearly still believe thing are still like 50 years ago where the mother is the most important thing to a child above the father and that she should have total control

[NRDAD]

And yes punishment her words not mine

[fitforflighting]

If you were having 50/50 near enough I would at least apply for 50/50 with the courts. I would then have him at home if possible on that nursery day. You get the advantage of spending extra time with him.
If you are bothered about the money side then cut it down to csa stated amount. There can be no legal argument then.

[fitforflighting]

As far as I know btw with the csa newer rules in true cases of 50/50 care no maintenance is paid by either party but costs such as uniform and trips etc are split.

[ottothedog]

Whats going on with the joint account? What do the bank say? I think they can freeze it. Otherwise she can get you into debt

Nursery fees on your access day - can you just have him at home that day instead?

Sounds like a court based solution will be better long term. Get holiday dates etc agreed as well for when he starts school

[Sunbeam1112]

I sense the need for 50/50 access is down to money. Your complaining about struggling yet you want more time with him? If your working you will need to arrange childcare during that time you have him and pay. I don't understand how he can't stay with his mum if your working when she's available to care for him? In affect you would be taking him off her for someone else to care for, that makes no sense. Fathers can have quality time together without the need for split access. Believe me a 4year old won't know where he's coming or going especially in the split is new it affects them. I've known people who had split homes and and has left them isolated and not having the feeling of belonging to one household.

Just because you make a child doesn't not give you the right to have him whenever. It should be what is in the best interest of the child they are not poession to fight over. You need to accept that splitting with his mum that you won't be able to see him on a daily basis unfortunately due to the situation. Also you need to work with your ex in order to co-parent effectively. Her finances are no concern. You have a duty to pro ide equally for the child which covers living expenses. Children cost money.

[NRDAD]

You sense this is about money ?? You get that from me saying i had him 3 and a half days a week and was giving her money like it was 2 but i didnt really care about that aslong as i was getting to see him ??? Yes if i have him more i pay her less but then have to provide for him while he is with me so no it wouldnt save me anything...

My issue with money is that she is demanding more or is going to take my time with him away. Is this not using him as a weapon against me???

I have no issue paying for my son it is my responsability and i accept that and would have it NO other way. Although it does annoy me that im struggling and working my ass off and she has money thrown at her and only working half the week but thats the way things are and what she does isnt truly my buisness.

The days i would have him are the days shes at work too. She gets him on her days off.

Yes just because we make a child doesnt mean i get him when ever i say just like it doesnt mean she gets to dictate when and for how long we are both his parents and these disicions should be made together. Not a case of you get what i say so like it or lump it which is all to common attitude (not everyone some of you have shown that on here but to many still have this antiquated idea. Which is a big part if the problem with sociaty on this issue)

I will be going for 50/50 but will still be willing to give my ex some money towards my sons care.

The bank account. The bank has told me that i can force my name to be taken off it and they would need to freeze the account to do so. Which i cant do as it would affect my son too. If she doesnt have access to her money it means she cant top up elec or buy food and cant have my son go with out. This issue has been raised with my solicitor and was also in the letter we sent ( which she has ignored)

[ottothedog]

Ignore the goady post. It doesnt seem about the money - apart from your ex linking access to money.

Wrt the bank account, i'd just freeze it now she's been told. Wont take long for her to set up a new account.

[NRDAD]

She has 1 more chance to sort things with the solicitors if she continues to ignore it all the banknaccount will be frozen and my solicitor will be applying for legal aid so we can take her to court. I have tried to be reasonable over the past year ( in fact i bent over backwards to make thing as easy as possible on her) and have never had the same in return.when i first moved out i continued to pay half the mortgage for 8 month ( when standard pratice is the person who stays in ghe hohse takes over full payment and gets extra money on sale or buying me out, which shes refusing to do. Another issue that has been raised with the solicitor)on top of child support and my own bills. Drove myself into a massive hole of debt but money is jot the most important thing time with my son is ajd his well being

[NRDAD]

Well she told me that if i dont give her more money after new year she would take me down to 1 night at the weekend and that would be it. Im back to work tomorrow and am ment to have him tomorrow night. So i guess i ll find out if shes really going to follow through with her threat or not heres hoping shes just bluffing but im still going to want everything down in writing so she cant pull that again

[starry0ne]

I think this is one of the cases you need to go to court otherwise it will be held over you forever.

[fitforflighting]

Can you even get legal aid in family courts now? I didn't think you could unless DV involved.