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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Is being single always this hard, boring, depressing or is it just this time of year ??

95 replies

nutcracker · 10/12/2006 10:55

Seemed to be confronted with happy xmas pressie shopping, loved up families yesterday.

Am just jealous obviously and really think it's fab that families like that do actually exist but god it makes me feel crap.

I am looking forward to xmas cos of the kids, but for me it's just equalling more stress, lonely nights sat in on my own and no money.

I am trying to find something for me to get invloved in but nothing as yet.

I want to be able to get up, get in the car and go xmas shopping, pop to my dads, to the xmas market and then home for a roast dinner, which is what we used to do wether we were rowing or not.

Instead I have to sit hear, reffereeing fights between kids and sorting out washing.

Tis like groundhogday.

OP posts:

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sandydut · 13/12/2006 23:28

I have to say I agree with RachelG here. I too waited years and years for my gorgeous son and spent many thousands on IVF to get him. Like Rachel I am also single but have enjoyed every minute of every Christmas since having my boy. I think a lot of it is to to with positive thinking. If you imagine you are going to have a crap time then you probably will. If you tell yourself you are going to have a fab time and make it great for your children, chances are you will. Sure you may miss having that special someone to share it with, but I'm certain that all the 'happy couples' that you may see and feel envious of are not nearly as happy as you think!

I haven't posted for ages because I actually find mumsnet very depressing on the whole. All you guys seem to do is moan about your lot! In my opinion it's about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourselves and start to enjoy life a bit, for your children if for no other reason!

Sandy

lou33 · 13/12/2006 23:35

pinkchampagne, my exh was still in the house for xmas last year

technically he had left, but he went away on holiday to "heal" himself, and his dad called me when he was away ,to say could i please let him know he was not welcome back to stay with him on his return

and so he ended up with me and the kids, which wasnt great for me

this year he is in cambodia or thailand, still healing so i have a huge sense of relief on that front, but i am finding it stressful with four kids to find the cash for

i still prefer it to him being here tho, even if it will just be me and the kids

mamama · 14/12/2006 00:45

RachelG, you are definitely right. I love my DS more than anything and know I am so lucky to have him. However, remembering how happy I was last year (you know, the happy family/ new baby thing) and seeing how my life seems to have fallen apart since then makes it very hard to always appreciate the good stuff. I never ever take my DS for granted, I know he is a blessing but sometimes I am just so exhausted, it is so hard tokeep that in mind...

Glitterfairy, good luck with your move. I hope next year I will be in the same position as you. I'm glad you survived last christmas and are looking forward to this one.

AMAZINWOMAN · 14/12/2006 16:06

I disagree with Sandydut about the messages moaning. Lone parents are at risk of isolation and loneliness if they don't have family support or their ex doesn't help. Any Doctor will say that these are causes of depression, a MEDICAL condition. Loneparents don't moan, we are trying to get support to stop ourselves becoming depressed!!!

sandydut · 14/12/2006 16:24

AMAZINWOMAN we are obviously all entitled to our own opinions, but I actually think that you are all (well most of you) actually encouraging each other to be depressed! I have never ever heard such a lot of self pity in all my life! There are a lot more situations in this life that are worse than being a single parent. It's all about attitude. God help any of the ladies on here who suddenly find themselves with a real problem to solve!
Sandy

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 18:25

Steady!!

Being single often IS tough, and not a state that many of us wish to be in, but for many reasons just get on with it!!
The time of year doesn't help, but then neither does being judged for an emotional reaction to it. If you are 'happily loved up' at mo., then jolly well good for you, and I am NOT being sarcastic. Really, good for you.

But you ARE wrong in discounting relective threads such as this as a source of wallowing. It appears to me to provide one of the basic socially-connective ways of communicating, i.e. "wow, you too?".

Judy1234 · 14/12/2006 19:21

rachel I fully understand that. I also almost weep for those poor men (it is usually men) who are themselves weeping because they don't get to see their chidlren as much as their ex wives to. It is a huge inequity we must do something about. Their love for their children is as big as a mother's love. That's why I think 50% care can work very well for lots of people particularly if you both work full time as we do. I didn't have years trying to have children. I had 5 easily including twins. I am lucky. But I do feel when I am so busy with work and trying financially to keep them that I get a trip whammy of 100% of the children, 100% of supporting them and me plus 100% of the payments to him (because I earn more). I cannot see what possible use he serves just existing there but choosing not to be a father but having so enriched himself off the sweat of my labour etc
Anyway just far too busy.

Perhaps I should follow the norm of many single parents, males and female and give up work and go on state benefits.

hoolagirl · 14/12/2006 20:25

Sandy, I hear what your saying. But...
A lot of us don't post until we have a problem and need advice or are looking for other's opinions. Or maybe its just daft things we need feedback on.
Maybe that's why it appears if we are all moaning and groaning, cos thats the only time we post.

Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 20:39

I'd rather be on my own than with my ex-H. However, sometimes it is really tough & even the most positive attitude can be worn away by lack of money, illness, power battles with ex-Hs/Ps and social isolation.
Most of us get through most of the time & you'll find us on lots of fun & humourous threads to Sandydut - but sometimes it is really good to know that you can find a sympathetic ear who really understands where you are coming from.

sandydut · 14/12/2006 20:48

Yes - I suppose I'm lucky in having a very well paid job, plus money from DS dad. Live in a nice detatched house in nice area, brand new car etc etc. I suppose I just wanted a baby for so long that now I've got him everything in the world seems rosy, despite not having a partner.

I do think though that misery breeds misery and sometimes you just have to 'talk yourself up' rather than 'down'.

Sandy

Bugsy2 · 14/12/2006 21:05

Sometimes when you are secure & happy it is impossible to picture how hard it can be for other people.
Imagine scratching around for every last penny week in week out, not being able to afford a car, let alone have a new one, having to lug your shopping, toddler & baby on the bus & up in the lift every time you need groceries. Add in a pain in the arse ex & ongoing battle with the CSA & a perpetually positive state of mind is just another battle.
Fortunately, this isn't my life but I've got some of those issues & lots of single mums have nearly all of them - so a bit of sympathy doesn't go amiss.

hoolagirl · 14/12/2006 21:14

Well said Bugsy.
Not my life either, but could so easily could have been or could be in the future!

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 21:42

yes, it is sometimes only a very thin veneer that keeps alot of people from going under. Alot of homeless people tell the stories of just one thing going wrong, and the whole inter-related pack of nice happy cards comes crashing down, often through no fault of their own.

A bit of perspective-taking wouldn't go amiss.

RachelG · 14/12/2006 22:41

Everyone's lives are so different, it's sometimes hard to truly empathise with people.

I guess I find it difficult to hear people complaining about their children, because for me my DS is a miracle, pure and simple. I thank God for every second we have together. I love everything about him, and don't miss one single thing from my pre-baby life. No other human being (especially not any of the many men who've let me down over the years!) has come close to meaning this much to me.

But I am lucky too - I have a good job and financial security. I must say though, I work extremely hard for it, and have done for many years.

As I say, it's hard to imagine other people's situations.

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 22:47

Rach - have you been smoking something?

sandydut · 14/12/2006 22:58

Well that last comment sums it up nicely! I presume you mean that Rachel has been smoking something because she loves her son and wants the best for him? Christ you lot should use contraception if you detest your children so much!!!! UNREAL!! Or put the poor little souls up for adoption and give us all a break!
Sandy

RachelG · 14/12/2006 23:04

DeepPann - are you saying that someone has to be stoned to love their child? That's very very sad. If you only knew what I'd gone through to have him, perhaps you wouldn't be so flippant.

I was trying to be reasonable, understanding other people's situations, but explaining my own.

Your remark is offensive. And if it's meant to be a joke, then I suggest to go to the library and read about IVF, you'll soon discover it's not particularly funny.

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 23:06

Hmm..sorry..didn't realise you were sooo brittle. Sorry.

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 23:06

Hmm..sorry..didn't realise you were sooo brittle. Sorry.

RachelG · 14/12/2006 23:12

Yes, I am hypersensitive when it comes to this subject. As I said before, we all have our own crosses to bear.

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 23:14

My word. You DO let yourself off lightly.

RachelG · 14/12/2006 23:19

Are you being sarcastic? Or joking? Or just being nasty? I'm confused, not sure what I've done to deserve this cattiness.

whatwouldjesusdo · 14/12/2006 23:21

just read your post sandy. If you have a well paid job and only one child, then you are in a better situation than most of the people on this thread. Its a mumsnet cliche that you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you are qualified to judge them.

whatwouldjesusdo · 14/12/2006 23:22

deeppan, why are you giving rachel such a hard time?

DeepPannCrispandEven · 14/12/2006 23:25

None of the above..(or below)....and I'm not surprised you are a bit confused about this, as you appear so tunnel-visioned about your own circumstance you seem to have 'lost' the empathy bit with others...

my post re 'smoking something' was in gentle jest, but you seem to have by-passed that totally, and viewed it as a personal criticism. That is all. No cattiness intended whatsoever.

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