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Original poster

help me not jump under a train

45 replies

TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:05

well i can't as my 2 year old would be upset i didn't pick her up from nursery. she always rushes to greet me with cuddles and love.

but i sort of want to. also no energy to see to my kids this evening. dumped my lovely man of two months last night as he admitted he was still in love with baby mama half his age. im bipolar but not under any help or medication and dont want to be. the thing is i dont want to collect my kids from school today as i am too tired and not a good mum because of it. i think it would be good for them if i gave them away but there is nobody to give them to as i have no family or real friends. so what should i do, i could just not turn up? but i dont want to traumatise them. if i ask social servicees to take them i would be worried they would be put with someone abusive god forbid. and also dont want to be sectioned as if i had a break from the kids i could just sleep and listen music and it would all be ok.

not really sure what to do!

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Baconyum · 14/09/2015 12:08

Why don't you want help or medication? If that's what's needed ? I also have a mh dx

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 14/09/2015 12:09

See your doctor. Please ask for help or medication. You sound like you need it and it isn't 'you' being/feeling like this,it's illness that makes you feel/think it.

Please get yourself some help so you can be happy and your kids can be happy.

Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:09

hi bacon yum. medication doesnt work in the people i know it just makes them fat which would drive me to the edge. help wouldnt help as im so far gone into depressive state i cant keep appointments

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ImperialBlether · 14/09/2015 12:11

If you're given a choice between taking medication and keeping the children, or not taking it and losing the children, surely to god you'd make the first choice?

I think you need to see a GP today as a matter of urgency. You can explain everything to him/her. Do you have a Community Psychiatric Nurse?

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2015 12:12

Just because the medication doesn't seem to work in others, doesn't mean it wouldn't for you, does it?

Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:12

hi trip trap thanks for advice. but i am so scared of doctors
they seem to do the opposite of whats helpful in my experience
was diagnosed bipolar at uni and had "help" then which was rubbish they tried to give me meds and i didnt want them so they shrugged their shoulders. been living with the condition for ten years since and never went back for help just self medicate with alcohol and cigs but the problem is now two people are depending on me so there is a lot more at stake.

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TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 14/09/2015 12:12

Different medications work differently in different people as do side effects. Your doctor can help you, once you feel better things will be clearer and you'll be happier.

Don't suffer

Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:15

yes imperial blether i know what you mean.. im just too scared to see a doctor though and even when i have plucked up courage i cant help it, i get in there n majorly play it down n cos im pretty and smile when i talk they laugh along n think im ok. i want what is best for the kids but i cant think of what would work for them given that they dont have dads and i dont have family :( i dont know what to do havent slept in years even when i can i cant

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Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:16

trip trap that is true but ive never known anyone meds helped. :(

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mrstweefromtweesville · 14/09/2015 12:20

You know, like I know, that this passes. The next stage might be better or it might be worse, but it will come along in a few days. That's the pattern isn't it?

When you pick the children up, what can you do with them that's easiest on you? A walk (even in the rain?) to tire them out then food, cuddles and bed? Having a simple plan will make you more confident you aren't a bad mum.

They wouldn't like it if you gave them away. My mum was mentally ill but I never wanted to be without her (not during my childhood, anyway!) and my daughter has told me that even though I was absolutely off my head with undiagnosed mental issues (kept quiet for the reasons you've given in your opening post) most of her childhood, she never wanted to be without me. They want you, even if you aren't as good at parenting as you'd like to be.

GP, CPN, whatever. Medication or no medication. Do what you have to do to keep going. Good luck.

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2015 12:20

This is where you have to be really strong for your children and go to see a doctor. Tell him/her that you've been diagnosed, that you didn't want meds and you are using cigarettes and alcohol to help you. Say that from what you've seen of other people's treatments, meds don't seem to work.

Be prepared to be told that medication has changed a lot over the last ten years, that some people don't take it regularly and that's why it looks as though it doesn't work and that yes, it might need tweaking once you start taking meds, but that doesn't mean you won't end up with a great result.

Be brave - this might be the hardest thing you ever do, but you have to do it for your children.

mrstweefromtweesville · 14/09/2015 12:21

I turned down meds again last week and asked for more counselling.

paulapompom · 14/09/2015 12:22

Tripping - your thinking is getting all tangled up with your anxiety about bi-polar. Please please see a doctor. A good doctor will listen to all your worries, including your concern about weight.

A doctor once changed my capsules to tablets because I didn't want to eat gelatine. They will listen. But you might not be given medication, just other help.

Your brain is making you tired as you are going over and over your worries. At the least a ddoctor could give you something to help you sleep. It would give you a break.

You are right to think of your kids. You might be thinking you are not a good mum, but I can tell from this post that you are. And I bet to your dcs you are the best mum in the world. Is there anyone at all irl who can help? XxFlowers

Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:28

oh my god you are all wonderful. you have made me cry a bit i didnt know it was possible to feel emotion when you're this tired..
give me a minute i am gonna make a cuppa then will come reply properly. THANK YOU

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Wishfulweddinglady · 14/09/2015 12:31

Please ring up the GPs you need to speak to someone today x

Iggly · 14/09/2015 12:33

My mum is bipolar.

She got treatment in the end and worked wonders.

However it took years and me and my siblings being taken into care before she did. Needless to say, it caused us emotional issues.

You should go and get help. For your children.

Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:39

Mrs Twee - hearing your story was extremely helpful and the tone gave me hope. My mother was severely mentally ill too and never got help. The trouble is my sister ran away and went into foster care and was much happier and better off for it. i hate my mother and wish i had had the courage to do the same. feel like i would be doing the kids a favour. i mean i dont even have the energy to tidy up.. this place is squalor :(

imperial blether. will i really get a choice about whether i get meds if i am honest with them about how bad it is? i mean it is really really bad, i am batshit crazy

Paulapompom thank you yes i guess there is a glimmer of hope as i do love and care for the kids, but the truth is i regret choosing motherhood as a career. I cant work as my son is autistic so am on carers allowance, cant be employed for various reasons i wont go into plus i am nowhere near stable enough to hold down a job now im a mother and never sleep. i mean i do NOT regret their existence and they are both adorable amazing little people but i mean i am not cut out for it- i sort of wish maybe i had still had them but with more supportive men who could take them half the time if you see what i mean, as this life is far far far far too hellish and hard for me to cope with, i am a very selfish person and value my freedom of which i have none :(

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Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:41

Hi Iggly thanks for being brave enough to share your story. that sent shivers down my spine. would you mind briefly explaining what happened vaguely, the timeline? i understand if you cant .xx

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Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:47

are any of you familiar with "one" from a chorus line

when i was little i wanted that life on stage but obviously had no hope of it as my mum forbade extra curricular activities. but hey she "SENT ME TO OXFORD"

now i sort of look at my life and it is so dry and awful and i am such a failure even at being a mum let alone being on stage highkicking in a gold top hat

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redannie118 · 14/09/2015 12:58

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 12:59

ok redannie i am going to call my gp now

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Original poster
TrippingDownMammaryLane · 14/09/2015 13:06

they told me no appointments today so i have to try calling them back at 830am. bricking it :-(

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Wishfulweddinglady · 14/09/2015 13:16

OP I know this is difficult - trust me I know- but please call them back and say you need to speak to someone urgently its an emergency if they say that's not possible request a home visit or urgent phone calm but please don't let them fob you off this is urgent you need to speak to someone today x

paulapompom · 14/09/2015 15:06

Tripping would you consider going toyour llocal hospital and asking to see the crisis team. I have found them useful in the past as they specialise in mh.

Maybe you can wait til tomorrow now that you have taken some steps (big steps) forward in getting help. But if you feel worse, or if you phone gp tomorrow and are told no appointments then you should consider them.

I was wary at first as I am terrified of being sectioned, but it's never happened, and they have helped.

I totally hear what you say about motherhood, it's hard and a massive resposability, but it does get (a bit) easier.

I have worked with children with autism for years, and wouldn't want to change that, but bloody hell it can be so hard on their parents/carers. (Not meaning to offend anyone, sorry, but I have had dads, mums, carers literally crying in frustration trying to get help, support and understanding for their children ).

It's hard op, even without the terrible pressure of bipolar. BUT you are looking for help now, things will change, and that is down to you making these first steps. Well done, keep going x

Flowerpower41 · 14/09/2015 15:07

Sorry to hear your pain op do go to the GP urgently the little I know about bipolar is the support is out there and quite extensive these days and that the medication is very good and helps manage the condition really quite well.

Good luck to you and your child and very best wishes.