Sister's ex is a stalker, harasser, serial womaniser and generally nasty piece of work- advice please!

[duchesse]

I am placing this here in the expectation that someone may have been through this and may have advice for my sister.

My sister was in an abusive relationship for seven years, with the father of her two children. The relationship broke down last year when she realised that he had been "seeing" at least four other women, was spending their scant cash on hotel rooms, and taking money from my sister supposedly on his older daughters' , but really on other women.

She only left him last August when he threw their then three-year old son across a tent, and abandoned her in France without her car. She moved out, under dire threats and is stting up another life for her and her two small children.

His haarassment of her from Auust to May, coupled with his abusive behaviour throughout 2005 while they were still together, has meant that he is being criminally prosecuted under the newish harassment legislation.

Until his bail conditions were amended in June, he routinely turned up unepectedly at my sister's house late at night or during their supper, insisting on taking out their son, usually taking him to McD and feeding him unsuitable stuff before returning him really late, leaving him tired for nursery in the morning. Throughout this time my sister tried to be reasonable with him, and maintained that it was better for the children to see their father than not, but he was never reasonable in return, and merely became ore unreasonable the more she gave in.

The ex used these "access" occasions to teach amusing phrases to his son, such as "Fuck off, you bitch!" and "My daddy's got a big sword in his garage and he's going to cut your neck" (for the record, my nephew is a sweet, gentle and articulate little boy who was deeply unhappy, physically unwell, and possibly depressed by his parents' situation (for want of a better word). These phrases my nephew used whenever he was asked to do something he did not want to to do (go to bed, eat his vegetables, etc...).

The crunch for me came in March when the ex essentially snatched his son from my sister's arms as she came out of a pre=op appointment at the hospital. The little one needed a circumcision for medical reasons, and the ex ranted and raved about not having his son's penis "chopped about" (said in front of the poor little mite, and took him. He had threatened my sister on numerous occasions with throwing himself off Beachy Head, unfortunately very near to where he lives.

I had a bad feeling about him- he did not seem at all stable, called the police; they sent out an armed response unit. Eventually the ex returned the little boy, 3 hours after taking him, and having sneaked out the back gate when the police came to his house, telling my nephew (4 and 4 months at the time) that there were monsters at the door, and walking five miles to my sister's house as his own car was parked outside hte front door of his house, and therefore next the squad car.

The police started to become actively involved in the harassment case at that point only, having essentially laughed off my sister's attempts at getting help from them up till then. He was arrested and let out on bail, but without conditions, so he continued harassing her. In June, he had conditions applied preventing him from going anywhere near my sister.

In June, shortly before his bail was amended he applied for parental responsibilty and access to his son only. He does not seem interested in the slightest in his little daughter. After the bail conditions, he went quiet until this month, when he has again begun to have letters sent by his solicitor regarding my nephew only.

He is claiming legal aid, although he still has several tens of thousands of my sister's money tied up in houses belonging jointly to him and my sister. My sister is now unable to claim legal aid, as she has had to take out a 100% mortgage (having no deposit- see above) on a house for herself and her children. Because she owns a house she is no longer eligible, although he seems to have bent the sytem somehow.

My questions are these:

1. What do you think about his desire to see his son only?

( I should mention that when he had access visits to his two older daughters, he often left them with my sister and went out, even when the relationship was very new, my sister was very young, and so were his daughters. He often does this, it transpires- leaves his kids with the latest woman and goes out- who knows why?)

2. Has any of you had the experience of representing themselves in an access court case, as my sister is going to have to do?

3. How well do you think his access claim will come across in court, represented by a solicitor who has sent extremely threatening letters to my sister and seems unaware of the adjacent harassment case hanging over his head?

4. Do you have any other advice for her?

Thanks in advance, and sorry if this is very long It is a bit of a saga.

Didn't want to read and not post, so will bump for others

Good Luck

Oh christ what a lunatic. No advice other than I think it's worth getting into debt to pay for the best solicitor possible to fight someone like that. I certainly wouldn't want him near my kids
Also has she documented everything that has happened?
I think that can help in court, though I've only heard this anecdotally.
Your poor poor sister

Sorry, when I said she left him "last August", I meant August 2005. It's been a busy year... Thanks for the bump, aweebit.

Yes bluejelly, she is documenting everything. And yes, my feeling is that he is a lunatic, and his having any kind of access would be a disaster for their son, imo.

The police have transcripts of abusive text messages, but unfortunately he has been quite clever, using gloves to open her mail etc. (long story involving him blackmailing her about something to do with work, she was suspended from work for two months, and moved house from one rented to another whilst staying with me, a lon way away from him) He pulled her new tenancy agreement for a house in a differentt town out of the post box and found out where she would be moving to, but apparently did it with gloves (the police could find only postman's prints on the envelope)

if she goes to court there wil be reports dont by cafcass who will look at all police and social services involvement. they take a very dim view of separating siblings and i would insist if he wants access to one child he has to have both (if thats what she wants). court will probably back her up on this, at the very least he will have a big black mark next to his name if he refuses.

if she thinks her ex should not be getting legal aid she can complain to the legal aid board, i think legally his solicitor has to provide her with a copy of his legal aid certificate. if you google on this you will get more info. i think having money in property will count against him

i represented myself for a lot of hearings, but i did speak to a solicitor. that way i was charged for advise but saved thousands on her actually coming to court. most of the hearings it is not necessary to have a solicitor as long as you are a reasonably intelligent human being. if it gets to a final hearing it would prob be a good idea to get a solicitor, and it can then help if they already know your situation. i know its expensive but many will work out a payment plan with her. dont go for the cheapest, its a false economy.

the judge does not have to do what the cafcass report recommends, but i believe they have to explain why they have gone against it if they choose to do so, so it rarely happens. if her ex is going against advice from his solicitor he can lose his legal aid. my ex decided to go for a final hearing even tho the report was very much on my side and he was going to have to represent himself at the final hearing as his solicitor had to advise him he was going to lose. legal aid wont pay for a case if they think you have no chance. thankfully he changed his mind. you do get to see the report well in advance of the final hearing so she would have plenty of warning.

if his solicitor is threatening her i would complain to the law society. a strongly worded letter informing them of the police proceedings and how she intends to proceed with access might help matters.

im not a solicitor but have been through court several times, my ex played a lot of games similar to hers and did me a real favour by assaulting me which looked great on his record. i hope some of this helps, it has been a few years now since i went through it so i suppose some bits mat have changed but i found the court extremely helpful and most of it was fairly easy to cope with without a solicitor (obviously the ex was extremely difficullt to cope with but he did behave a bit better when we got to court as bad behaviour would have counted against him). if she rings her family court they may be able to offer advice on how to file documents etc

good luck to your sis, if i can help any more i would be happy to

Thanks, Gigglingoblin.

When I say the solicitor was threatening, I guess I should say he sent a strongly-worded letter, implying that my sister was wilfully withholdding access to their child, even though she was 200 miles away at the time, staing with me, due to ex having caused her to be suspended from work etc...

Sister's solicitor did tell her she was articulate and clear and should be able to make good go of it, but advised her against shoppig him to Legal Aid people before the trial as he may also end up representing himself and turn the whole case into a pitched battle between the two of them in court.

I can't see how he could possibly come off well even with the best representation in the world, especially given that he is seeking access only to one child, but I understand that attitudes towards fathers and access have changed recently, and he might actually get what he wants. I am deeply worried for my nephew.

my ex disappeared for several hours with my youngest once, there was a contact order for eldest but not him. i stopped access and applied for an emergency court date to get a provisional contact order in place, that way i knew he was either bringing him back at the right time or he was doing serious damage to his case. the police can also get the child back if he has broken a court order so v useful. he tried to deny he did it to be awkward but it was pretty obvious to everyone. courts tend to go on common sense so if you are being reasonable you wont go far wrong. if his solicitor has already applied to court i dont think she has to pay the court fee

x posts there

my exes solicitor was pretty threatening to me too, came into a meeting and said right, what we are going to do is... meaning what you are going to do is... i replied she could go ahead and do that but i was going to do xyz, and surprise surprise she backed down almost at once. i think they think you are an easy target if you dont know what you are doing, but she cant let herself be bullied. it got to the point where i refused to speak to her on the phone and demanded everything was put in writing and i found that helped a lot. just remember letters can be brought into court

i think they are less likely to stop fathers seeing children now, but that doesnt mean he should be allowed to carry on behaving like this. at least with a contact order he has set times when he has to pick up and drop off her son. she could ask for supervised contact if that is more appropriate. it is very hard to pretend you are not a pillock for the whole duration of a court case, his true colours will come across at some point

Having read your post, I can't help as much as gg has but am wondering why you're sister isn't entitled to legal aid. There is a calculator here if she wants to double check. The reason I am saying this is you have said she isn't eligible because she owns a house, BUT I have received legal aid and own a house.
Sorry if I've got it all wrong but I thought it was worth mentioning.

My feelig, and our mother's, is that he using the access case as an alternative form of harassment, given his patent lack of parenting skills or indeed interest in any of his children. I just wish there were a way of officiallt linking this current behaviour in with the ongoing harassment case. Unfortunately, I think they may be viewed separately.

My sister wants supervised access if at all, because of his previous and documented insane behaviour. She also wants any access not to involve seeing him in any way- ie if there has to be access, that it should be in a family centre, that he be there before she drops off the children (because she wants him to have access to both children, not just one- which feels would be very divisive)

Lrkids- it must be to do with her income the She has a good job (earning 34,000 a year), although obviously she is not rolling in cash (ha!) given two sets of childcare fees, rent, bills, car etc. In fact she has nothing left over each month. Thanks for the calculator. I shall have a look and see if she is failing to take something into account.

In fact, looking at that, it looks as though she should be eligible for legal aid. I shall have to ring and double-check her income. It seems a little tough that there be a 2350 gross a month limit, given how much of her income goes on nursery and childminder fees.

My sister is down for the weekend, and she's just done the calculator thing online, but earns 300 pounds too much a month to qualify. She says her solicitor is annoyed about the stupid 2350 cutoff amount, especially since she actually has less 100 pounds a month that she could possibly consider spare (living near London, everything costs a lot, including childminders- hers costs over 4 pounds per hour per child, her four-year old son's after-school club has just shut, and she is going to have to spend most of that spare 100 on extra childminding...sigh.) It's not meant to be easy, is it?

Incidentally, psycho ex forgot to send a birthday card to his daughter last month. His son's birthday is coming up in a few days, so we await to see with baited breath whether he remembers that. My sister thinks he will send a card.

bump

hi duchesse, no advise from me other than your sister trying to keep this numbskull away from her precious kids.

"my daddys got a big sword in his garage and hes going to cut your neck"

how old is her ds now,could he tell the cafcass he doesnt want to see his father or does he like seeing him regardless of whats gone one.

feel so sorry for your sister, and awful for you being the support and going through the stress of it as well.

good luck

It's all such a scramble, 7up. The little boy is just 5 (2 days ago), and was very attached to his father when they all lived together- having no other points of reference, he thought that because Daddy seemed to be in charge (and to all intents and purposes, was, of everything in the house, including which bathroom my sister used), he assumed that Daddy was therefore always right, particularly when it came a disagreement between his father and my sister.

He was therefore rather difficult for some months after the break-up, and has only imporoved since all contact with his psycho father ceased in March. There's no knowing what he would tell a social worker therefore- whether he'd flip straight back into supporting his father, or whether he would be able to recognise that his situation is very improved.

We have told him that Daddy is not well, and that is why he behaves badly, and that as soon as Daddy is better, he will be able to see him again. We don't have any realistic expectation that he will improve- the man is in his 50s and has done this several times before to various other women, but at least the little boy doesn't have to cope with the complete writing out of his father.

The little girl just shouts "Go away!" when she sees her father (or at least did the last time he turned up and threatened my sister, in June). Her father is utterly uninterested in her anyway, sadly.

I just hope that my sister can find a nice man some time, who can show to her children that grown men aren't all as mad as a bag of ferrets.

that is so sad duchesse, hopefully your poor sis and her kids will get through xmas and have a really happy one without her ex making any surprise visits.i do hope it all works out for her in the end and the court business isnt too stressful. ive been through it and it is pretty miserable

can quite believe that he doesnt want to know his daughter. ive always said to my mother that if my ds had been a girl then ex wouldnt be bothered. its all a macho thing with having a son. on the other hand though i know quite a few dads with young daughters who are fantastic dads.all very sad. good luck, and shes very lucky to have such a wonderfully supportive sister

And all four of her tyres were let down (to 20 bars, or whatever the unit is) yesterday in the car park of the station she commutes from. No prizes for guessing who's behind that little prank...

There must be cctv of that surely Duchesse - sister must have contact details for the parking comapany. Could that be chased up to go in the collection do you think?

I thought that. Unfortunately it's a tiny two platform station (conveniently close to her daughter's nursery) on the outskirts of the town she lives in, and she doesn't think there is CCTV on the place she parks. Sadly, he is not stupid enough to do that kind of thing on camera, as the CPS already has enough footage of him threatening my sister in person to send him to prison (we hope).

Come January 11th, we'll see if they had enough evidence. My one hope is that once he convicted, it hits the papers, and everybody will know him for the asehle he is- particularly the young and vulnerable women her prefers to target.

oops- my disguising of that rude word has made it virtually incomprehensible... so I'll just say it again: he is an a?s?eh?le. That should do.

Sadly no CCTV on the car park in question, although the police handling the harassment case have logged the incident (forgot to mention that my sister is one of those people who is sensible enough to check her tyres before every long trip, and had reinflated them barely three weeks earlier to correct pressure).

The @rsole has now filed for an access court case, neatly timed to happen just one week after his own criminal court appearance for harassment of my sister, in January. If he's in prison, it won't look too good for his case. Hopefully.

Goblin- my social worker friend told me it takes 9 months for a Cafcas report to be finalised- was this your experience? If so, was your ex awarded temporary access during the process? Was there any obvious process to go through to request supervised access in a family centre rather than totally free, make the mother drop them and take a tongue-lashing at the same time scenario?

The mother of his other children used to get in the car and go with them when her kids were little, because she (rightly) did not trust him to look after them properly, so he just spent every access visit swearing at her, belittling her, and being an utter shit, instead of paying any attention to his daughters. She just had to sit and take it if she wanted to be sure her kids were safe.

My sister wants to avoid having to see him at all, as she feels he will use the opportunity to a pain in the behind. Also, given the violence he has displayed to his son in the past, she would rather he were supervised with them- eg Family Centre setting.

Does anybody have any experience of supervised contact, and have advice for her about his or any other aspect?

thats really bad. fortunately with all the evidence your sis has i dont think there is a court in the world who would give that lunatic access to his kids. even if for some reason they do i suspect his will only be granted supervised access with a social worker present. my cousin is going through an access battle at the mo, thankfully no violence has ever been involved apart from her punching him in the nose for cheating with her (ex) best mate. he seems to think he can turn up when he pleases and she will just hand over their 3 girls to him but not happening, she has now stopped access on the advice of her solicitor as he is trying to take them on holiday out of the country without her permission. even got passports for them without telling her. if you see your sisters ex please give him a kick up the arse from me xxxxx

I do hope I see my sister's ex, as that would probably breach his bail conditions and land him straight in jail. Sadly, the psycho has got away with it for so long (he's been doing the same thing to other women for decades) that he feels invincible, and therefore claims not to care about what the law would do to him. I think he still expects to get off the harassment and violence charges.

What I'm not sure about is whether his behaviour towards my sister will even be taken into account in the access case.

The psycho's case is coming up in the second week in January; the access case he's started just to p**s her off starts just a week after.

Please keep my sister in your thoughts in the coming weeks. Thank you. Any advice still very welcome.