I am placing this here in the expectation that someone may have been through this and may have advice for my sister.
My sister was in an abusive relationship for seven years, with the father of her two children. The relationship broke down last year when she realised that he had been "seeing" at least four other women, was spending their scant cash on hotel rooms, and taking money from my sister supposedly on his older daughters' , but really on other women.
She only left him last August when he threw their then three-year old son across a tent, and abandoned her in France without her car. She moved out, under dire threats and is stting up another life for her and her two small children.
His haarassment of her from Auust to May, coupled with his abusive behaviour throughout 2005 while they were still together, has meant that he is being criminally prosecuted under the newish harassment legislation.
Until his bail conditions were amended in June, he routinely turned up unepectedly at my sister's house late at night or during their supper, insisting on taking out their son, usually taking him to McD and feeding him unsuitable stuff before returning him really late, leaving him tired for nursery in the morning. Throughout this time my sister tried to be reasonable with him, and maintained that it was better for the children to see their father than not, but he was never reasonable in return, and merely became ore unreasonable the more she gave in.
The ex used these "access" occasions to teach amusing phrases to his son, such as "Fuck off, you bitch!" and "My daddy's got a big sword in his garage and he's going to cut your neck" (for the record, my nephew is a sweet, gentle and articulate little boy who was deeply unhappy, physically unwell, and possibly depressed by his parents' situation (for want of a better word). These phrases my nephew used whenever he was asked to do something he did not want to to do (go to bed, eat his vegetables, etc...).
The crunch for me came in March when the ex essentially snatched his son from my sister's arms as she came out of a pre=op appointment at the hospital. The little one needed a circumcision for medical reasons, and the ex ranted and raved about not having his son's penis "chopped about" (said in front of the poor little mite, and took him. He had threatened my sister on numerous occasions with throwing himself off Beachy Head, unfortunately very near to where he lives.
I had a bad feeling about him- he did not seem at all stable, called the police; they sent out an armed response unit. Eventually the ex returned the little boy, 3 hours after taking him, and having sneaked out the back gate when the police came to his house, telling my nephew (4 and 4 months at the time) that there were monsters at the door, and walking five miles to my sister's house as his own car was parked outside hte front door of his house, and therefore next the squad car.
The police started to become actively involved in the harassment case at that point only, having essentially laughed off my sister's attempts at getting help from them up till then. He was arrested and let out on bail, but without conditions, so he continued harassing her. In June, he had conditions applied preventing him from going anywhere near my sister.
In June, shortly before his bail was amended he applied for parental responsibilty and access to his son only. He does not seem interested in the slightest in his little daughter. After the bail conditions, he went quiet until this month, when he has again begun to have letters sent by his solicitor regarding my nephew only.
He is claiming legal aid, although he still has several tens of thousands of my sister's money tied up in houses belonging jointly to him and my sister. My sister is now unable to claim legal aid, as she has had to take out a 100% mortgage (having no deposit- see above) on a house for herself and her children. Because she owns a house she is no longer eligible, although he seems to have bent the sytem somehow.
My questions are these:
- What do you think about his desire to see his son only?
( I should mention that when he had access visits to his two older daughters, he often left them with my sister and went out, even when the relationship was very new, my sister was very young, and so were his daughters. He often does this, it transpires- leaves his kids with the latest woman and goes out- who knows why?)
-
Has any of you had the experience of representing themselves in an access court case, as my sister is going to have to do?
-
How well do you think his access claim will come across in court, represented by a solicitor who has sent extremely threatening letters to my sister and seems unaware of the adjacent harassment case hanging over his head?
-
Do you have any other advice for her?
Thanks in advance, and sorry if this is very long It is a bit of a saga.