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Original poster

maintenance to kids

30 replies

wendy1972 · 06/04/2015 09:19

Hi help needed. Im at my wits end. my controlling ex has given the maintenance directly to the kids. They are all teenagers and ive tried to explain that this money is to keep a roof over their head, feed them etc... I already gave them some of the maintenance each to pay for clothes. I was hoping they would understand and give me the money back ( the youngest has said she dont want hers as she sees what her dad is doing). I could take him through the csa and get more off him than he currently pays but the picture he paints of me to the kids is that I am greedy cow and had affairs etc... I never did but I now even have my daughter saying if you have no money you cant go out!!! I only actually went out now and again but it feels like he has rubbed his negative behaviour onto her. Im just dont know what to do anymore. x

OP posts:
madamtremain · 06/04/2015 09:44

Well it's illegal. Contact CSA and say he has stopped paying - as in effect he has. Money he gives the kids is gifts/ pocket money etc. it's not maintenance.
Don't involve the children. It's not their fault and if he's the bully you make him out to be you don't want them in the middle of a feud. Contact CSA now and say he has missed payment and they need to contact him.

trickyex · 06/04/2015 09:48

I agree, go to CSA and make him pay properly and not muck around involving your kids in his abusive and irresponsible behaviour.
Also agree not to involve the kids you can i, it is not their fault he is behaving like an arse.

totallyjaded · 06/04/2015 10:12

I agree too. Its controlling and manipulative behaviour and at best he is using the kids as a weapon. Trust me when I say the kids will see him for what he is when they are older. Straight to CMS in the morning its £20 to stop him and get what he really should be paying

Original poster
wendy1972 · 06/04/2015 10:27

yes he is soo controlling like when its his turn to have the kids last minute he changes it. like this week he was supposed to have them whilst I go to work but week before turned round and said he wouldn't have them. it breaks my heart when the kids just dont see what hes doing. If I have friends offer to sit them he tells the kids I palm them off with anyone and tella them he forbids it. im normally a strong person but am just a wreck just lately. He agreed a couple of weeks ago to let me buy him out of the house. As soon as I start paying for a solicitor he then ignores letter asking him to sign. I really hope the kids do see it one day. its only my youngest who does as hes horrid to her. Ive told her she doesn't have to go anymore to his if she doesn't want to. I just feel soo helpless at the moment x

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totallyjaded · 06/04/2015 10:52

He sounds awful I'm so sorry. even more reason to go through cms and solicitors because then he will have to pay and on time! Kids will make up their own minds you can count on that

Original poster
wendy1972 · 06/04/2015 11:13

My only thing is will I be seen as the bad guy for taking the money back off the kids??? like I said I was already giving them some money towards clothes but surely this can't be doing them any good either I.e. nit learning the value if earning money etc.. x

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madamtremain · 06/04/2015 11:25

Well yes you probably will be seen as the bad guy. But you'll also be seen as the bad guy when you set a curfew, or ground them, or tell them to eat their greens Grin you'll be the bad guy for the next... 5 or so years!

Don't let the wanting to be the preferred parent stop you from parenting in the way you want to. If they sense that then they'll run rings around you

madamtremain · 06/04/2015 11:28

Also, you don't need to take the money off the kids. He can take if off them if he wants to but it's nothing to do with you.

1, He's given his kids some money.
2, he hasn't paid his maintenance this month.

Two separate statements. Not connected.

totallyjaded · 06/04/2015 11:32

Agree with all of the above. He hasn't given YOU any money. My DD is horrible to me at times and she hates me. She behaves for her dad though and never plays up for him at all. She hates me but yet won't go live with her dad............says it all. They know they can play up for the parent who they can count on and who they know will always be there for them.

Original poster
wendy1972 · 06/04/2015 11:57

Yes I guess you are right im going to look the bad one whichever way I go about this. why is it he cant see what effect it has on kids. my DD the same feel like she doesn't like me much but I gave her the option and she don't want to live with her dad she wants to stay with me. It was nice to hear as I felt like everything I did was wrong. x

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totallyjaded · 06/04/2015 13:26

If you feel like a failure every day and you are constantly striving to do better then you are, you are doing your job properly :) What he is doing is abuse and he will never see the light IMO because he would never be able to look at himself the way we do. If you can criticize yourself then it means you care what you may be doing or not doing. he doesn't by the sound of it. In simplistic terms you are the bad one in the kids eyes, the resident parent always is. Keep smiling and stand up to the bully by making him respect the law in the form of child support x

Starlightbright1 · 06/04/2015 20:22

just also remember teens can be horrible when in a 2 couple relationship. Another don't let him play games.

Original poster
wendy1972 · 06/04/2015 20:36

its hard not letting him play ganes. like today hes come round last minute to take kids out meaning muggings is once again left at a loose end. I asked him why he said I could buy him out and then when solicitors put it in writing he doesn't respond. his reply its not enough what you're offering. yet couple weeks earlier it was. Just pure nasty man who for some reason wants to see me suffer when it was him who left!!! I just dont get it x

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gillybean2 · 08/04/2015 17:35

Have you contacted CMS now? Don't delay.
They will start your claim from the day you contact them.

Ignore him. It's hard I know. But the only way to deal with him is through your solicitor and CMS.

Original poster
wendy1972 · 08/04/2015 22:21

I dont know whats wrong with me I'm terrified to do it as im scared he will flip. I keep putting it off. I did txt him and told him money needed to be in my account by end of yesterday I would be in touch with csa. I still haven't have kept holding off hoping he'd be reasonable but guess thats not going to happen Sad Sad

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madamtremain · 09/04/2015 06:46

No more communication Wendy. Straight to csa. They aren't the police, you're not getting him arrested!
Don't engage with him anymore over this or talk to the kids about it.
Thanks Good luck

Nolim · 09/04/2015 06:56

Agree with othervposters who said contacs csa and get maintenance properly sorted out. Getting the kids in the middle is not fair to them, it is not their problem to figure out.

petalsandstars · 09/04/2015 06:59

You can't win with this twat so get onto csa today so he has to pay asap

lunar1 · 09/04/2015 07:05

He's failed to pay maintenance this month so I'd be straight onto cms. I'd just disregard the money he gave to your children.

Original poster
wendy1972 · 09/04/2015 09:08

I know you are all right. I haven't mentioned the money to the kids apart from its a treat for this month from dad. I guess 17 years of his controlling behaviour still makes me worried of the way hes going to react. Thanks for all your comments though I will phone the cma today and let him know im not going to be controlled by his actions any more Smile Smile

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Original poster
wendy1972 · 09/04/2015 09:10

Me and the kids have got on fine since ive said about the spending money from dad. I definitely took that advise as to not mention the money again and I know now its the best thing as thats what he wants me and kids to fall out x thank you

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gillybean2 · 09/04/2015 09:18

Let the CMS deal with him. If he doesn't like it he should of given you the money, not the kids. CMS will be in the middle now to stop him trying to control you and what/how you spend the money.

You can always go back to an agreed arrangement at a later date. But for now you need to be firm and strong and stand up for not only yourself, but your kids. As you've realised, it is not right for him to include them in financial concerns like this. So take that option away.

Original poster
wendy1972 · 09/04/2015 09:23

I know you are right I have to do this. its appalling the way he's behaving. I think my eldest daughter knows this as well. shes all her dad and we argue all the time normally but shes spent days telling me she loves me all the time. its soo lovely to hear and im glad ive stopped mentioning money. At the end of the day as long as my kids love me im nit bothered what he thinks. x

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Original poster
wendy1972 · 09/04/2015 16:43

Right ive done it!! waiting for the fireworks! !! x

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Starlightbright1 · 09/04/2015 17:02

Well Done Wendy..Even if there are fireworks...That is a short term thing. Eventually it will be settled and you don't have to think about it.

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