Ex lying about me stopping him seeing children

[NAR4]

Ex will barely speak to me, let alone have a civil discussion about the children. He has been accusing me of stopping him from seeing the children (I have always told him he can have free access) and this morning he send a text saying "I assume you being out and refusing to respond to me, means you are now stopping all my contact with the children" wtf! I had been in all morning when he sent the message, no previous messages received and he was due to have the children tomorrow, not today, anyway.

He keeps cancelling the Mediation appointments, last one we actually had was end of Nov/beginning Dec (can't remember exact date). His solicitor fails to respond to any correspondence from my solicitor and he ignores my requests (and solicitor letter) asking when he would like the children during the Easter holidays (next week is the last week of pre-school), following his request to have the children for a week then.

Where do I go from here? Do I just sit back and completely ignore the whole ridiculous situation until he grows up enough to make arrangements? The first part of our divorce has now been done and he was still using the joint account (which he refuses to close) until the bank froze it, when I told them they didn't have his address. He also refuses to discuss what will happen with the house (I am currently living in it with the children) or savings (frozen at moment) or pensions. My solicitor wrote to his asking about what arrangements he proposes for these things and it was just ignored. Argggh!

Just a bit, Kaffe. He's spun his family a real line as none of them will speak to me either. Ds get a christmas and birthday card but otherwise we're ignored. Ds's grandfather had a stroke 10 years ago and they won't tell me where he is so ds can't see him and I'm ignored when I ask about him. Nice!

If a family made an abuser like your ex they are hardly going to be healthy functioning individuals either. Seriously I learned the hard way your dc are better off away from them.

My son has blocked me and my family from his facebook account. I have another older son at uni, who was fine with both me and his dad. He went out with his dad at Christmas, to visit his dad's family and stay overnight, but unexpectedly came home at 1am, refusing to say why because he said I didn't need to hear what would upset me. He has now just stopped all communication with me over the last half term, so I can't help but feel paranoid that my ex has said something to him that has turned him against me too. I know he is probably just getting on with his own life, but I can't help but wonder. I even text asking if he was cross with me and ignoring me, or just really busy and he hasn't replied . He was meant to come home on Friday (for his Easter break) but he sent a brief text that only said "not coming home now". I'm tempted to drive up for a visit, saying the little ones and me wanted to see him, since he isn't coming home now.

no answers I'm afraid, but my H is doing exactly the same thing.

I have told him he is welcome to see the children whenever he wants, but he insists on saying (often in front of them) that I am stopping him seeing them.

I'm not at all.

he also tells everyone else that I'm limiting his access.

He refuses to respond to requests to discuss money, the house. He won't complete the form E, he won't confirm that he is paying any money over (so I don't know whether I'm getting it until the last minute).

Mine is also abusive and an absolute controlling bully so he is just playing to type, but he knows it really frustrates me if he just ignores . grrr.

Sorry I'm not any help, but if you find a way through, please share!

I'd go up, NAR4 You need to talk to him, I think.

Sounds like your younger ones are better off away from them to be honest. I know a child has the right to see both parents (hence why I supported contact for years), but contact is always for the benefit of the child. Once it becomes manipulative or abusive, it's not in their best interests. Keep it open though, tell them they are welcome to see him/email and whatnot.

I agree with you going to visit, NAR4 - your situation sounds like utter hell, I'm so sorry for you! :(

It's awful that your sons are being played like this and being turned against you, and against their brother too. I do wonder what your ex has been saying and have just had the most vile thought about what it could be that has stopped them wanting contact with both you and your? his 15yo - he might have implied there is more going on between you than just "mother-son" relations. I really hope not but I can't honestly think of any other thing that would stop them from wanting contact with either of you.

Not sure if my ds will be there when I drive up with the little ones, as he isn't replying to text or email. I wondered if he was going to stay with his dad instead (which obviously hurts a lot), but didn't want to upset me by saying and is now avoiding me, so he doesn't get questioned.

oops sorry NAR4 my post crossed with yours. I agree that going to see your ds seems a good idea. Sounds entirely feasible that your H is poisoning your sons against you.

I don't think even he would say that and if he did my mil would def contact police and children's services.

Ex has been saying to people who know us both that I am a terrible mother, I left him to deal with everything, I walked out several times, I have been cruel to the 16 year old (hence his reason for going with dad), I have taken all his money........All untrue of course and actually true of him mostly.

I must go and cook tea now and tidy up the horrific mess I have left mt little two to make while I have been their hair and makeup model/moaning to you all on here.

Thankyou ladies, you always help put things in perspective.

I'm glad you think it couldn't be that - but I still can't imagine what he can have said that would turn your normally caring and impartial oldest DS against you!

I understand that he can manipulate your children into thinking that it's all your fault. My stbxh has done a good job on my DD.

These abusers never see the damage they do to the children.

Just keep on being the parent that parents and they will eventually see him for what he is. A lowlife.

Just to let you ladies know that ex didn't turn up for children today and just replied to thetext I sent this morning saying a the judge will see through my spiteful games and he is really upset I'm stopping hhim from seeing them. Yawn! Going out for the day with the children now to help them forget about theirdad not coming today.

I can't send him a letter myself as I don't have his address.

Sorry to all you ladies who have to put up with the same. Slightly embarrassed I was stupid enough to have 5 children with such a man.

Do you think he's showing his text messages to your older children? It may be a good idea to ask in legal about parental alienation and how you can deal with this. www.parentalalienation.org.uk

His texts are fully manipulative as well - I hope you're keeping a record of your own texts to him? If not you absolutely MUST because you have to be able to show that your texts are completely civil and saying he can see the children, but he's responding to you as though you've told him to fuck off and eat shit, he'll never see his kids again!

So I'll say again - it's imperative that you keep a record of what you send him so you can easily refute any suggestion of foul play on your part.

NAR4
I've had that "a Judge will see through your games etc." line (after he turned down supervised Christmas and Birthday access!!??) In my case, I think he was writing it all for the benefit of his woman and family, because it probably doesn't look too great if you can't be bothered with your child on two such occasions.

I've actually got to the point now where I am refusing text and email contact from him, and insisting he write everything down in a letter. Its much much harder for them to play these games in a letter!

If you need to maintain email and text contact with him, then perhaps when you receive odd emails and texts from him, just respond with a standard response along the lines of "Email/text neither understood or solicited. Thank you." And keep a record of it all. Its amazing how they can attempt to present communications from you in court.

Received an email from my solicitor at 5pm Thursday, forwarding a letter from ex's ssolicitor, asking for an urgent response.

Background; Ex sent a solicitor letter in Jan demanding, among other things, a week with the children at Easter. He has refused to give me any dates, even though my solicitor has written to him twice requesting them. He has cancelled all mediation since too.

Email was saying he wanted children this Monday and Tuesday. Clearly it was sent too late to enable me to respond in time. I'm now worried this will be used as more 'evidence' to prove I am stopping him seeing the children.

I feel he is being emotionally abusive to me and the children but don't see what I can do to stop him, other than stop his contact with the children, which will seemingly play into his hands.

Any suggestions?

Nar...Have you spoke to Womens aid... The reason he has left it so late is simply that he wants to control.

I personally would make sure I am out tomorrow morning .. You do have evidence he has been asked and chosen not to reply. Access isn't on demand.

Yes, just go out for the day, like the other poster said. Or just don't answer the door.

Get your solicitor to reply stating the dates that he was written to to make plans, the date he responded etc., and to stress the need for planning, routine etc.

go out somewhere nice.

he did not reply in sufficient time. you have solicitors letters asking for dates so you have the evidence that you are not deliberately blocking contact.

Take the children out. He doesn't know you've even read the email. You aren't obliged to check personal emails everyday. Its unacceptable for him to behave like that and on the contrary I think he is playing into your hands by being so obviously unreasonable and careless of your time.

Write back Monday evening saying you've only just checked your mails and this is too late notice and he cannot expect you to change plans to accomadate him as it's too disruptive to the dc. Then ignore him.

He didn't turn up this morning at 8.30 (the time he collects at the weekend, so the time I assumed in the absence of him telling me a time), so I went out at just gone 9am. My solicitor phoned at lunch time, to tell me his solicitor had emailed saying I was out when ex came to collect children. I think he forgot clocks had gone forward. My solicitor emailed bk saying he can collect children at 9am tomorrow. She advised I should go out at 9.30 if he hasn't arrived still, saying he is being deliberately difficult and can't expect me to just wait in until he shows up. Solicitor said she suspects he is using the children's contact to control me. Will phone Women's Aid for advice if my 2yr old has a sleep.