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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Mediation ?? For an unborn baby

42 replies

Happylittlebee89 · 12/03/2015 17:29

Hello,

I am new to this so not really sure how it works but I am 32 weeks pregnant with my first child the father of my UB ended our relationship when I found out I was pregnant I have had varying levels of contact with him throughout the pregnancy but for the past two weeks nothing ! Today I opened my mail and there was a letter asking me to attend mediation with regards to my unborn baby ! Im slightly confused as my ex partner is saying he wants a dna test and things and I also won't be naming him on the birth certificate is there any need for me to attend mediation before my sons born or can I wait any advice on this matter would be greatly helpful as my heads i. A whirl !! Thank you

OP posts:

Nolim · 12/03/2015 17:32

I am confused as to whether your ex is going to have parental responsibility?

Original poster

Happylittlebee89 · 12/03/2015 17:34

Yes I am confused also to this as I didn't think this could be done until the baby was born and he had the dna test !?! This is why Im very confused

OP posts:

Original poster

Happylittlebee89 · 12/03/2015 17:35

I was under the impression that if his name wasn't on the birth certificate he would have to take to to court to get a dna test then parental responsibility and now Im very confused ! He has caused me nothing but stress throughout my pregnancy and now Id just started to relax and then I got this letter today made me feel rubbish and down again

OP posts:

Nolim · 12/03/2015 17:38

So just to understand you dont want him to have pr but he does want to?

DontDrinkandFacebook · 12/03/2015 17:39

So maybe he wants to ascertain that the baby is definitely his first, and then once he has, he plans to take the appropriate level of responsibility?

Why don't you want to name the father on the birth certificate?

I know you need to have him there to agree to that, so if he wants a DNA test and it's positive and then he's happy to be on the cert are you happy to have him on it?

balia · 12/03/2015 17:48

Things clearly have been very difficult and given that is the case, mediation is a really good idea, and will be easier for you to do before the baby is born (and hopefully less stressful if you can work out a way forward).

Although mediation is a requirement prior to applying to court, it isn't part of the legal process apart from that, so he doesn't have to have PR in order to suggest/organise it. If you refuse, that means he has completed the requirement to attempt mediation (and obviously doesn't look brilliant in court) and can apply as soon as the baby is born.

He doesn't need a DNA test to apply for PR unless you deny paternity. He also doesn't need your permission to have his name added to the birth cert at a later date, and not being on the birth cert will not be a problem in terms of getting PR granted by court order - it isn't something that is routinely denied.

It appears from the letter that he does want to be involved with the baby - it would be better to resolve some of the issues with a third party than have to enter the court arena, honestly.

Original poster

Happylittlebee89 · 12/03/2015 19:40

Thanks for everyone's replies I don't want his name on the birth certificate because he said he didn't want me to keep my baby and he has opportunity to attend scans my 12 week scan he turned up drunk and sat in waiting room shouting why are you having a baby nobody wants and my 20 week scan he went out night before and got himself arrested so missed that I don't feel he deserves to be named ! As for the Dna he had requested this as he doesn't believe the baby is he which is also another reason I don't feel he deserves to be named ! I really don't want to attend mediation with him as he is now in a relationship with a girl that has sent death threats to me whilst pregnant and the police have been involved I am very concerned that he is going i gain access to my son and she will be allowed near him ! He has made my pregnancy hell with nasty messages and copious amounts of stress upset and let downs !

OP posts:

totallyjaded · 12/03/2015 22:40

Please please please do not attend mediation when you are pregnant and vulnerable. This man is highly abusive and is doing this to control you. No one that is a full shilling or even beyond frustrated that you kept a baby he didn't want would shout out that sort of stuff in a public place. Cut him off completely until the baby is born. Its harsh but necessary. Tell him you appreciate he wants to be involved but doing this when pregnant is not ideal and that you will be in touch when the baby is born. When he is born let him know and see how far he pursues it then. Do it all through solicitors and document EVERYTHING, texts, letters, anything.

DontDrinkandFacebook · 13/03/2015 04:59

God, he sounds like a total twat of a man and probably not much use as a father anyway. And his girlfriend sounds charming too.

I agree with what totally said.

But I do think a child deserves to have their father's name on the birth certificate if he's willing to be on it, and I think it can be quite tough on them emotionally and psychologically to have that blank space.

The fact that he wasn't happy about becoming father doesn't change the fact that he is the father. Even if he never sees his son afterwards and even if your son understands that his father is/was a loser, at least he'll know his name. I think it's important to put your own feelings of anger and rejection aside and think about how this impacts your son in the long term.

Homepride1 · 13/03/2015 13:04

Are you having a baby with my ex?

Seriously though know how your feeling I'm currently battling my ex he is also not on the birth cert and a drinker!

I'm in exactly the same place as you, I'm not putting him on birth cert or giving him any PR I'm also not going to give him any unsupervised access, he can't be trusted, he leaves our baby alone in the bath

His attitude has stunk from the day I got pregnant he also didn't want the baby and I will fight through the courts and do anything I have to to make sure my dd will never have to spend a weekend with him I refuse to put her in any danger at all! (I have a few posts on here about it)

I also wouldn't attend any mediation while pregnant, I would just sit back and wait and see what his next move is when your baby arrived, yes he could go to court for PR but if you have good reasons to contest it then it's not as simple as that and the cost would run into thousands

Starlightbright1 · 13/03/2015 13:24

I don't blame you putting him on the BC.. It isn't just a document of evidence of fatherhood which can anyway be disputed through DNA but a gateway for PR.

I would consider messaging him and tell him you will be happy to consider mediation once the baby is born. This will give you time to recover. I think you do need to No contact till after baby arrives considering all that has gone on.

With my Ex I supervised contact and avoided court for a while it did give me control. You can supervise his contact but inform him if he is under the influence he won't be allowed in.

If he goes to court he will get contact... I can completely understand your feelings and whether he deserves to be a Dad or not the law will say the child has a right to a relationship with her father.

cestlavielife · 13/03/2015 14:09

you are under no obligation to attend mediation right now.
wait til baby is born.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/03/2015 17:25

Its not a gateway to PR it is giving him PR

I would call the mediation org and fein confusion as to why they are sending letters from him to pregnant women he does not believe have anything to do with him and thinks are not expecting his child.

Original poster

Happylittlebee89 · 13/03/2015 17:56

Thank you everyone for your replys I am feeling a lot more reassured now I have a meeting with my solicitor on Tuesday and Im hoping that she will be able to put a stop to the meditation till I have had my son he is due in 7 weeks !!

I do understand that eventually he will have contact with my son but I really didn't want him to have him alone at least until he was 6 months old and no overnight stays until he was at least one I think I am just panicking as my ex is a very bitter stubborn person ! He has gone to the extent of saying he will change my sons name if I call him the name I have picked ! It's a very scary time for me and I am very scared and worried as to what his next move will be !

Thank you all so much for your replies I have found this very helpful

OP posts:

totallyjaded · 13/03/2015 23:45

You don't have to ask the solicitor to delay mediation, YOU decide. He can't change your childs name and you do not even have to tell him when you are going to register the baby. Some women use the fact that they have all the power to alienate 'good' dads....you are NOT one of these women. You need to totally kick back, relax and enjoy your pregnancy without this silly man spouting off with his silly threats which by the way hold no water whatsoever. Please let us know how you get on. Thinking of you

GraysAnalogy · 13/03/2015 23:53

You can't just decide not to have his name on the birth certificate because you're not happy with him. If he's the father, it needs to go on. It isn't just about you it's your child - if that's who his dad is then whether the dad is a twat or not it should be on his birth certificate.

The mediation thing, please don't worry about it. Just try to relax and try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I can understand from his point of view that he wants to get things sorted for when the baby is born though. I couldn't imagine having a child on the way and not knowing when I'd be able to see them.

You really don't need this stress now though it's ridiculous. I would see your solicitor and then just forget about the whole thing or try to speak to him and tell him you'll deal with it all amicably when your baby is born and you have your bearings.

Didactylos · 14/03/2015 00:07

is there any mileage in getting back to the meditators and putting them in full possession of the facts eg his statements regarding the baby, his behaviour and the threats and abuse from his GF. Point out police have been involved and you are in the late stages of pregnancy, and so physically and emotionally vulnerable in the situation.
Suggest strongly that at a suitable time post birth, if you attend mediation, you would want shuttle mediation (where the mediator conveys communication between you) and not to sit in the same room with him: that should make it easier for you to calmly think and consider things without worrying about his behaviour and manipulation.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 14/03/2015 00:11

Grays, as they are unmarried, OP cannot put him on the birth certificate unless they register the birth together.

Dontdrink, I doubt the child will see the birth certificate until long after he/she knows who his/her father is - I don't see the psychological issue you claim.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 14/03/2015 00:13

I think Did has some good suggestions.

Right now, OP, YOU are the person. Until the baby leaves your body, he is part of you and your ex cannot make any demands. Take care of you.

GraysAnalogy · 14/03/2015 00:55

Yeah I know AKnicker but I got the impression he wasn't going to get a choice in the matter.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 14/03/2015 07:23

If he chooses to, he can ask for PR - the OP is unlikely to contest it. But since he wants a DNA test, the baby will probably have to be registered before the results come back.

AKnickerfulOfMenace · 14/03/2015 07:28

"he could go to court for PR but if you have good reasons to contest it then it's not as simple as that and the cost would run into thousands"

Homepride, I don't think that's true. If he's the father and he seeks PR, the default is that he will get it.

Split of residency is different and will take into account all factors that point to what's best for the child.

CrushedCan · 14/03/2015 08:49

You don't need to agree to mediation at all unless you want to talk to him in a controlled environment. I wouldn't waste my time with the lawyer if I were you since it's not being sent to you through court and if it's been sent to you through a lawyer they have no power to enforce it either!

NakedFamilyFightClub · 14/03/2015 09:00

Gray - why would you suggest OP just hands an abusive ex parental responsibility? Which is what will happen if she puts him on the birth certificate. Look at his threats to change the babies name already.

If he goes to court, he can be added, but why make her life harder than it needs to be and make his easier?

OP, don't add him, and consider ringing women's aid to ask for their advice on how to deal with him. Best wishes

LittleBearPad · 14/03/2015 09:06

It's perfectly possible to tell a child who his father is without his name being on the birth certificate.

Given his behaviour to date, the dna demand and the fact he would have to attend the registration to be added I would stay away until the baby's born and see what happens. In the meantime contact women's aid for their advice. Look after yourself.

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