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Original poster

ex refusing to take children to parties they are invited to on 'his day' to have them

41 replies

NAR4 · 05/03/2015 22:54

Told my ex over a month ago, when I received birthday party invites for the children on two of the days he has them. He didn't say anything then. I also reminded him last weekend and again he said nothing. Just received a text this evening saying "I can't take *** to the parties you arranged. Don't arrange any more without checking with me first or pass details onto me so I can arrange in future." He was clearly given plenty of notice and why wait until this evening to tell me this when the parties are this weekend and next? The children also have parties on both the other days of each weekend (postnatal group, hence all close together), so I can't simply ask him if he will swap days. I have already taken them out to choose their friends presents and dressing up costumes (one is a Frozen dressing up party), so they will be upset at missing them. Any suggestions for what I could do. There is no court order in place, so could I simply refuse to let him have them those weekends? This does seem a bit extreme, but he is clearly not putting them first.

OP posts:
husbanddoestheironing · 05/03/2015 22:56

Send him the RSVP details so he can inform the parents holding the party, and let him explain to your children why they can't go maybe...

Original poster
NAR4 · 05/03/2015 22:58

I know he just wouldn't bother and completely considers that 'my' problem. I'm so cross and upset right now that he can be so mean to his own children, just to stick two fingers up at me. If he already had something arranged, then he should have told me weeks ago, when I first told him about the invites. I checked with him when I received them, before I excepted.

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coalscuttle · 05/03/2015 23:00

Mine does this too. DS is 9 and I have made it perfectly clear to him that it is up to his dad if he can't go yo a party on one of his days. I have since swapped a couple of days do DS can go but again DS knows I have done this. If ex won't swap I tell DS it's his fathers call and leave it to ex to tell DS if he is not going to let him go. My only consolation is that DS will realise as he gets older what a prize cock his father is Hmm

coalscuttle · 05/03/2015 23:01

How old are your children?

Gintonic · 05/03/2015 23:01

I think you should just tell him that as he didn't reply you assumed it was fine, the children are looking forward to it, and he can't cancel the night before. He can collect them from the party.

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 05/03/2015 23:03

My ex does this. So I let the dc chose between a day at daddies and a party. so far the parties have always won!

IneedAdinosaurNickname · 05/03/2015 23:04

Grrr daddy's not daddies!!

coalscuttle · 05/03/2015 23:06

I thought my ex was the only person who did this - I don't know whether to be sad or glad I'm not alone!

husbanddoestheironing · 05/03/2015 23:06

I completely agree with you, but you need to try and avoid allowing him to just let you pick all the pieces up and avoid the responsibility. Can you maybe find a way of compromising this time (by swapping days or something as your children are excited to be going to the party) and then next time put the decision and responsibility firmly in his court? So when the children ask you say 'you are with dad that day you have to ask him' you might want to quietly tell the hosts though that he is making the decision and will be RSVP ing so you don't look bad if he doesn't bother. I do wonder exactly why men still think it is their ex's job to act as social secretary for their contact time with their children. It seems to happen a lot.

Original poster
NAR4 · 05/03/2015 23:07

My dc are 2 & 4, so the 4 yr old is old enough to look forward to the parties and understands, but won't understand why going to daddy's will mean she can't go. He only lives 5 minutes drive from me by the way, so the parties aren't a long distance from him.

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coalscuttle · 05/03/2015 23:10

My ex doesn't think I should be social secretary, he does it to spite me and because he is a selfish wNker Grin

Pantone363 · 05/03/2015 23:13

You need a stock reply for when DC receive an invite. Mine is "well that's daddy's day you'll have to ask him". Then send the invite with them next time they go to their dads.

CointreauVersial · 05/03/2015 23:17

Agree with Husband - if the parties fall on the dates when he has the children, then it's up to him to decide whether he takes them and reply to invitations etc. He can then be the one to break the news to the DCs if he decides he is going to be a rubbish dad and can't take them.

But you can't really dictate what he does with the children in his time, unfortunately. Even if he is being an arse in this case.

TravelinColour · 05/03/2015 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NAR4 · 05/03/2015 23:39

Both invites were text to me. Should I pass on his mobile number to the parents and ask them to text the invite to him?

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PandorasToyBox · 06/03/2015 09:03

I am also with the xh here, his time with dc is up to him to arrange. I would in future pass on his phone number to the parents arranging the party and leave it up to him. Not your time, not your problem.

inflagrantedelicto · 06/03/2015 09:08

My xh does this- it's a control and spite thing. Dc are already seeing and undertaking what a knob he is. Unfortunately he was/is abusive, and has done a total head duck on the dc Sad

Chasingsquirrels · 06/03/2015 09:23

I pass all invites on which relate to when the kids are with their dad. If it affects joint time (either side of a handover) I discuss with him.
I wouldn't accept anything which impacted on Ex without his prior agreement.

With your text invites, and given the ages of your children, are the invites actually for all of you as a group rather that just the child?
Would you be happy for him to go with the children as a group rather than you? And would the hosts be happy with that anyway if it is you they are inviting.

I'd be replying to the hosts thanking for the invite but explaining that the children aren't with me then and gibing them Ex's phone number so they can invite him & children (if they chose to go so)
Obviously as the children get older the invites become more for the child rather than parent and child so the passing on the invite to the other parent becomes more the norm.

For these two invites I think you need to explain to the hosts why you can't bring the children.

Original poster
NAR4 · 06/03/2015 09:52

Thankyou ladies.

From now on I will pass on ex's mobile number to parents doing party invites on his days. He'll simply deny me passing on party invites.

For the current two invites (I understand of course that it is his choice and I had only replied yes after first checking with him), do I need to just leave the children to miss them and allow the upset, telling them it's daddies choice?

What do I do if (I will be surprised if he doesn't), says "I'd appreciate it if in future you don't give my number out to people"? I can't give them his address to post invites instead, as he refuses to tell me where he lives.

OP posts:
giantpurplepeopleeater · 06/03/2015 10:33

Actually NAR4 - I think you did exactly the right thing.

You have a relationship with these parents, so they invited you first. Personally I think passing them on to your Ex is bad form - putting your friends in a bit of an awkward position. It's for you and your ex to decide what you do and manage it.

You SPOKE TO YOUR EX FIRST (I think some posters are missing this bit) and then agreed attendence after you had checked with him. This is the right thing to do, working together to agree changes. Sounds like he's being an arse.

However, giving him massive benefit of the doubt, it's possible there was some mis-communication or he may have forgotten about them. Despite this, he's being a massive twunt for making your kids miss their friends parties, and cancelling last minute.

In future, to avoid misunderstandings about this sort of thing I would exchange information about this sort of stuff in writing (email or text) and agree up front who will do what about the kids attending, before accepting.

The last line of your last post is very telling, though. Does that mean you don't know where your kids are staying when they are in his care? This is very bad form, and shows me the kind of man he is.

As for the upcoming parties - It's hard to advise not knowing your situation. But I wouldb't necessarily discount telling him he can have them for contact after the parties. It should be about the children primarily, and not your ex, and making them miss out becuase he's a twat isn't on.

assessment · 06/03/2015 10:39

There's nothing you can do, you need to take a big step out of the picture.

If the DCs get invited somewhere on his weekend, then the invites need to go straight to him. Tell the DC that as it's dad's weekend they need to ask him if they can go, and he needs to do the RSVP.

Don't get involved.

If he doesn't bother or doesn't let them, then you'll be there to wipe the kids up, but it'll be clear to them (eventually, if they're little) that it's his fault they aren't going.

You cannot force him to be a good dad, you can't force him to put the kids first. If he doesn't want to do parties on his weekend, there's not a thing you can do. Just make sure all the flak is directed his way, not yours.

assessment · 06/03/2015 10:42

do I need to just leave the children to miss them and allow the upset, telling them it's daddies choice?

The children will have to miss them, if he won't take them. It's out of your control.

You say something along the lines of, I'm sorry, daddy says not this time but maybe you can go next time. Any further explanations, direct them to him.

What do I do if (I will be surprised if he doesn't), says "I'd appreciate it if in future you don't give my number out to people"?

You tell him that it is necessary so that he can parent his children effectively, and that's that.

meglet · 06/03/2015 10:44

Me and XP had this out in mediation.

He didn't want the dc's to attend any parties or other family visits that happened during 'his' time with them, this was partly due to him losing lie ins too. And he got a dressing down from the meditation officer (?). Their official line was that the parents must work around the children, not the children have to go along with what the NRP wants. So, in general and as as often as is practical, children should still attend activities and parties on the weekend the NRP has them. It's not fair on the dc's to miss out.

FWIW he stormed out of the session and hasn't seen them in 6 years so it wasn't exactly resolved.

It's bloody hard isn't it. Sorry your ex is being a dick Sad.

thelittleredhen · 06/03/2015 10:45

I'd also say that at ages 2 and 4, the parents are more inviting you to the parties than the children and so either jig the weekends around or don't go. They'd probably hate it if your ex turned up - why should they have to make small talk with a wanker at their kid's party?

Original poster
NAR4 · 06/03/2015 11:34

In anwer to the question, no I don't know where my children are when with him. He won't open any emails I send him or a knowledge a text, even a recent one where my youngest had to go to hospital due to a prolonged high temperature.

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