ex refusing to take children to parties they are invited to on 'his day' to have them

[NAR4]

Told my ex over a month ago, when I received birthday party invites for the children on two of the days he has them. He didn't say anything then. I also reminded him last weekend and again he said nothing. Just received a text this evening saying "I can't take *** to the parties you arranged. Don't arrange any more without checking with me first or pass details onto me so I can arrange in future." He was clearly given plenty of notice and why wait until this evening to tell me this when the parties are this weekend and next? The children also have parties on both the other days of each weekend (postnatal group, hence all close together), so I can't simply ask him if he will swap days. I have already taken them out to choose their friends presents and dressing up costumes (one is a Frozen dressing up party), so they will be upset at missing them. Any suggestions for what I could do. There is no court order in place, so could I simply refuse to let him have them those weekends? This does seem a bit extreme, but he is clearly not putting them first.

If no court order is there I'd just take them myself.

He is trying to control you.

Wow NAR4... Parties are the least of your problems then!! Sounds awful, I'm sorry.

It sounds like he's being awkward just to score points, piss you off, or as Joyfulldeathsquad points out, get to you through your children.

As another poster pointed out - it should be about the children, and as parents we should work around the children's activities rather than the other way around.

So this situation is wrong, and it goes beyond the party issue. Only you can decide what you are going to do, but as far as I can see it you have two choices:
a) accept that what he does on his time is up to him and back off and leave it and accept his shitty attitude by just ignoring it, or
b) look to bash this out in mediation/ with solicitors to get an agreement about how things are going to continue, hopefully agreeing solutions to some of the issues you've raised.

As for the immediate, I think the same applies. Suck it up and let him explain to your kids why they can't go or make the decision to take them yourself and deal with your ex and the fall out.

Not every child gets to go to every party. Sometimes you will need/want to miss a party yourself. Children have to learn that sometimes other things are more important.

When a party fall's on my ex's weekend, I e-mail him in advance and ask his 'permission' as to whether the child can attend. He responds. I provide invite and card and present via child's school bag so there is no excuse. 9 times out of 10, despite me asking and him saying yes, he doesn't take them. I have a massive paper trail that shows that it's nothing to do with me.

Sometimes, you just have to let them dig their own graves take responsibility for their relationships with their children.

it is up to him. is the contact court-ordered?
can you get mediation to iron out these points (tho mediation not a good Idea when one party is abusive...)

in the big scheme of things your dc will sometimes miss a party. that's life. dont make a big deal of it.

pass him the invite by any means let him do the rest. don't tell dc if they going or not going - if they as what they doing on the weekend say dad will tell them.

I'll just move his days from now on. Twat.

I'd

We have been having Mediation for 6 months, to no avail. He simply refuses to budge from his corner of 'I'll do what ever I want, particularly if it might piss you off'. He seems unable/unwilling to understand how his behaviour is effecting the children, even when the Mediator has pointed it out. It was at our last Mediation meeting that the Mediator told him that as a parent part of that role is to take your children to playdates and parties. He also refuses to shut the joint account (apparently doesn't have time), continues to spend money from it and is now literally thousands of pounds overdrawn and wants me to relinquish all claims to his pension and all our savings in exchange for his share of the house, but refuses to tell me the cash equivalent value of his pension. Those are different problems I know, but just to paint the picture of what a stubborn and difficult prat he is to deal with. He even refused to tell me if our daughter had had Calpol at his, when she had been ill a couple of weeks back.

WEre you married ? All thus should come out in the divorce ?

He is being an arse. But it is up to him what they do when with him and to be honest (although I always try to make it possible for dd to go to parties) if my ex RSVP'd on my behalf and "informed" me of a party it would get my back up to.
If it's likely he'll be too irresponsible to RSVP then have a word with the birthday child's parents and apologise in advance if they don't get an RSVP but I agree with others that you need to just give him the invites and let your ex deal with this.

As for dinosaurnames advice about giving your children the choice between and party and a day with daddy. Please don't ever, ever, put that on your children. Potentially very damaging advice.

I didn't reply on his behalf and then inform him of the parties, I told him about the parties and rsvped after he agreed.

Yes we were married (still are, as he is dragging his heels as much as poss with the divorce). What do you mean it will all come out in the divorce?

My solicitor has advised I request he returns the children in time for me to take them to the parties, as it is about the children and he knew about the parties well in advance.

I don't know that I agree. If it can be done coolly and calmly then yes. But parties aren't the be all and end all. If he's going to kick off then I think just let them miss the parties rather than try to control this. I honestly think you'll have bigger fish to fry. Solicitors don't have the kids best interests at heart and are used to high conflict where all hope of normality is gone.
My advice would be to let this one slide.

Ooh, I feel cross on your behalf OP. Your ex sounds like a right arse who is clearly acting like this to spite you. He doesn't have the best interests of your children at heart at all.

"What do I do if (I will be surprised if he doesn't), says "I'd appreciate it if in future you don't give my number out to people"?"

You respond explaining that it's his weekend, and can you pass the invitation information to him (including inviter's contact details) so he can RSVP.

Sorry to sound as if I'm nit picking, but in OP you said he said nothing, and then later you said he's agreed. Which was it?

Because silence cannot always be taken as consent, even in ordinary reasonable people.

The financial stuff will have to be sorted in the divorce.

He sounds like a pain in the backside. If he's determined to be one, tbh, there's not a lot you can do about it.

I've learned the hard way never to make arrangements for when my dd is with her father - never mind parties or sports or whatever, he won't bring her to the bloody dentist.

If he won't be reasonable, it might just be something you have to let go.