does anyone predict a happy ending or am i deluding myself??...

[cath28]

just wondered if people were in / knew folk in a similar situation to mine. my dd is almost 4 and i'm pregnant again with a second baby due in march... when my dd was just 2 i got together with a new partner who literally became the love of my life, he treated me better than anyone ever has and i truly believed he was my soulmate.. we talked about having children together in the future but the pregnancy was not exactly planned, just kind of happened, not intentional on my part certainly.. in fact i was quite annoyed with us both but i didn't feel negative about it.. however it was clear early on that he was freaked out by the whole thing, we went round in circles for a few weeks with him slipping out of contact then re-appearing and eventually he disappeared abroad without so much as speaking to me or telling me where he was going. he didn't know at the time whether i was keeping the baby or not - i was 8 weeks pregnant.

now i'm at 18 weeks and in the intervening time ive been a complete mess tho pulled myself together a lot in past few weeks coz i mean you've just got to get on with it haven't you? he's been emailing me, asking what is happening, also saying over and over how sorry he is, and how much he loves me, and what a mess his head is in etc.. he kept saying he hoped i hadn't had an abortion as he wanted the chance to reconcile but he knew we couldn't be together right now etc... i put off telling him i was keeping the baby because i wanted to give the whole thing some space and also wanted a proper explanation from him about the sudden departure - which never came. in the end i sent an email a few days ago just outlining the facts, the scans, the due date etc. but kept it all quite light.

i haven't heard from him for over 2 weeks however and i haven't heard from him since i emailed him about the baby. i'm kind of torn between being extremely angry with him -keeps coming and going- and actually feeling worried whether he is ok because i think he really lost it, and i have no idea if he is ok or not, or where he is, obviously - literally he could be anywhere in the world. i know that in his own time he'll get in touch and tell me more and obviously if he wants to be involved with me and the baby and my daughter (who he's treated appallingly) he'll get in contact, if he's reading the emails, that is..

i've got his mother's phone number but have held off using it as we do not get on at all and i think it would quickly descend into her insulting me and refusing to give me any info. it would be awful so i only want to call her as a last resort. it's just hugely frustrating as the only thing i have is this one email address and that's it.

did anyone's partner leave in their pregnancy and then come back? does anyone know of people in similar situations? i genuinely think he left because of fear and an inability to cope on his behalf rather than because he doesn't love me or doesn't want the baby - but not sure where that leaves me. i'm finding it really, really hard to move on in my head - and finding the pregnancy quite tough now too while managing my dd.

any thoughts / advice welcome. sorry to go on so much but i had to let off steam today!!

thanks everyone for your posts. i'm just feeling really low again today. i think muppet you have hit the nail on the head saying that the less emotional my emails are the more likely he is to come back; unfortunately i'm not achieving that at all! i just want some clarity from him and unfortunately it seems that clarity is the last thing he can give.

diva i had a similar rel'ship with my dd's father; he resented me massively and said i had 'trapped' him etc that's why he was so abusive to me, he thought he was justified in acting whatever way he liked; it's not a good situation to be in!

with my unborn's dad it is a different situation however; because we really do love each other and whatever happens i dont think we could ever get to that situation. but you're right i wouldn't have wanted him to stick around because he felt he 'had' to. i guess just stick around to discuss it would be a start lol..

sounds like you coped amazingly well and that you are really strong for it. i'm on ADs too right now, citalopram, though i keep stopping and starting them as i dont really want to be taking them but do need them.. think we are going to lower the dose so i stand a chance of taking them regularly!!

paddlechick it sounds like you had a lovely day. i'm . it's a good starting point doing things like that; just taking it one step at a time. it sounds like his heart is in the right place at least. i know what you mean about weekends i hate them right now!!!

guyfoxie i'm hoping that i will get stronger and stronger; i guess it is either that or collapse with the trying..

thank you all again for your thoughts and comments and i hope this thread is helpful to anyone else in the same boat. it certainly does help to get it out though sometimes it is hard reading things you might not necessarily want to hear, but it is a way of facing up to them nonetheless, and you have to face up to reality don't you..

Paddle - my Saturdays are sad too, I tend to do nowt as everyone else is doing coupley things .

If I get my act together I sometimes arrange to see girl friends.

Diva - I was in an abusive relationship when I was younger too. Think it as because my mother taught me self hatred LOL. It took me ages to gather the strngth to get out of it but I came out of it much stronger I think. You come across as being a really strong person.

Cath - we're here whenever you want to talk you know. Its not surprising your feeling so low, so don't feel guilty about it.

Hi Cath, my best friend went through this three years ago. She was 27 her dp 37 of 5 years, she came home from iraq (she's a nurse in the navy) with a desperate urge to have a baby, her dp 'went along with it' she became pregnant straight away and straight away he became a total pig.

It was hideous, just so awful for her, she felt so scared, alone, desperate and heartbroken.
She spent most of her pregnancy on the phone to her dp shouting and hollering at him while he was nasty and spiteful back to her.

I spent hours on the phone to her where she would go through every scenario of 'what if this? what if that?' all in a desperate attempt to make things better for her baby.

The outcome for her was that actually, as soon as he met his LO, he was a changed man. Their son is now 2 1/2 years old and has a wonderful relationship with his dad who loves him dearly. My friend got back with him but has very recently left him because they don't get on anymore.

I often wonder whether, for them, their relationship was damaged beyond repair through the pregnancy. They were both so frightened for different reasons and as a result were vile to eachother and lost all respect, trust and love for eachother.
He had issues going on, I still don't know what they were but he stopped putting it on his son when he met him and the reality suddenly dawned on him.

There is no way of knowing now what the outcome will be, but pregnancy and impending fatherhood can do funny things to grown up men.

So the point of my story I guess is to say that you sound like a very strong woman and good god it is going to be hard, but if you can remain calm and envisiage a time in the future when your dp comes back into your life, be it as a lover, a friend, or simply as the father of your child, when you envisage that time, try not to despare of it now. damage limitation I supose.
Try and trust that you will survive this and be stronger for it.

We often torture ourselves with images and thoughts of what the future will hold, but if it leaves us feeling so awful then it is not good for us to do that to ourselves. If you find yourself feeling negative about the future, try and picture an alternative happy ending to what you are imagining.

Be strong and do lots of talking.
Post lots on here too if it helps, I will keep a look out for you. xx

thankyoupoppet what a lovely post cheers so much for taking the time to tell me that story; it really made me think and gave me some hope for the future that even if i don't get the happy ending i pine for right now, i will get a happy ending of some sorts if i picture it and hold it in my head. the power of positive thinking i've always been a bit about it but now i am really coming round to thinking that on some level it must really work. i visualise being happy with my 2 children and being strong. anyway.. i'm glad your friend is ok and that her LO has got the dad he deserves. more than anything i hope my son has a good relationship with my dp. i think i'm going to try to stop focusing so much on what the future might or might not hold, and focus on the present, as much as i possibly can. i just miss him so much; it is so hard!!
thank you again for your post xx

cath here (changed my name); feeling ok this afternoon tho spent the whole morning in bed crying my eyes out not good still trying to rally myself

my ex had an affair when i was 8 months pregnant and left me for her. He was there at the birth and begged me to take him back and stupidly i did. He was rubbish with me and baby he was so immature and wanted his freedom. When ds was nearly 1 he had another affair and left me for her. But i was so glad to get rid of him that i would of left if he hadn't first. Geting away from him was the best thing i could have done

cath,
as i said my dd as never had any contact wit hed dad, he left wen i was 3 months pregnant, i looked after his mum after having a brain haemorhage, as soon as she was on her feet i was surplus to requirements.
it was hard, i worked almost every day to save so i cud stay off with her.

hes never been in touch , i wont go to csa as im stubborn. life throws many things at yo and you have to be strong for ure little uns.

i was beat up in july, my dd was in bed, if awake wud have seen everything, but im strong because of her, we are survivors always remember that

wish u well

Hey rainbowgirl! Read your whole thread. Sorry you had a bad morning, but the change of name seems like a teeny step towards a more positive outlook. Good luck and I hope things work out for you xx

thanks. feeling like death warmed up today. xp has emailed but i don't actually want to read what he has to say. i'm worried i won't deal with it. feel myself going down hill and don't know what to do. just feel so tired and depressed.

When I have emails that I don;t want to read I just delete them without reading. If he isn't saying he's coming back you will get even more down. You;ll end up interpreting every word a million times, analysing everything he is saying, and no chance of a face to face or cuddle to have a proper chat. TBH I think he is being really cruel just emailing you. In my experience of the many dickheads I used to have dead end relationships with, the best way to bring a man to his senses about what he really wants is to cut contact from your end. If you can't bring yourself to delete the email then at least wait till you feel a bit stronger to see what he has to say for himself. If you have a 'this is spam' on your email then think about using that for his address, that way any more mails will be bounced back to him undelivered. Then YOU can email him in your own time and it will have his full attention. Will log on again later to see how you doing.

how are you feeling now rainbow?did you read the emails?hope everything is ok

everything is far from ok diva, in fact everything is just about as bad as it could be he has left me so confused and upset by what he has said, he wrote both emails in the middle of the night, they contradict each other, the 1st one really angry, the 2nd one less angry but more 'what do you want from me?' and he has the audacity to say 'but i thought the baby was due in april?' when i said it was due in march (i didn't specify 30th march), implying that he isn't sure whether it is his honestly i just want to get a bottle of wine and drink the whole thing and never get out of bed again i hate feeling this way

Rainbowgirl, so sorry you are feeling so confused. What IS it he wants from you? Do you know? You deserve to know exactly where you stand so that you can deal with that particular situation. Personally I HAVE to know where I stand in my crappy relationship, then I can get the right mindset. I think It needs to finish or it carries on, floundering around in no man's land will do your head in.

Rainbowgirl, he has no right to be angry. Its him thats run off and left you 'holding the baby'. YOU should be very angry with him. And don't be afraid to let him know it. Please don't tippy toe around his emotions. What he is doing is mental and emotional abuse, and as those are grounds for divorce then..... Kittywits is bang on, you have to know where you stand. But I can't see him giving an honest appraisal of your relationship as he seems too wrapped up in his own 'trauma' and only interested in making sure that you are still wanting him back. I hope you get a good nights rest and can spam his emails back to him in the morning. Try to be brave, it might need some horrible hard days now getting him out of your hair, before you can look forward to a brighter future without him messing your head about any more. x

it's really complicated flibberty.. i did hurt him a lot before the pregnancy, and he now says that's the main reason he ain't here. i don't believe him, but he has a great excuse, and he does have a right to be angry in one sense. and you are bang on that i'm scared to be angry back because he definitely has the upper hand emotionally now. i mean, for all these emails, i still don't know where he is!

he makes me feel disempowered and like everything is pointless.

Rainbow - he says he's angry... is he blaming whatever it was you did to hurt him for his resulting depression? Whatever it was you did to him - he clearly feels it's something so terrible you can never be the same again. Is that true? If you were hurting each other like that - was the relationship as great as you remember?

Why do you think he doesn't want you to know where he is? Is it because he thinks you'd turn up on his doorstep? Would you?

I believe he knows damn well what you 'want from him', I imagine you've made that clear implicitly or otherwise, but those types of questions are selfish cries for help. He is really saying 'Let's talk about me some more...' Remember what I mentioned about depressives leading you down very dark paths.

You've had to put yourself back on ADs - that's fine - but just don't let him drag you down with him. I believe you're stronger than that, despite what you may think at times. I'm always astounded by the suffering a human mind can endure.

If I were in your position - you know what - there'd be a part of me that was extremely tempted to close the email account I had that he was using and to sit back and wait...

Would require nerves of steel, but I truly don't think you'd feel any worse than you do now. Wouldn't that be a test for him? You'd soon get your answer as to whether he was serious about a future reconsiliation. If he started getting emails bounced back with the notice the account was not good - might get him to buck up a bit? What do you think?

muppet is right.he obviously doesnt care what you want,tbh he sounds like an attention seeker.whatever it was you did to hurt him,its no excuse for him behaving this way.it took alot of willpower for me to cut of contact with a certain ex,i had to cut sim cards in half so i couldnt check if there were any texts on them.but after 2 weeks of no contact with him i felt so much better and stronger and realsied i really didnt need him in my life and that id never loved him atall.

Rainbow girl there has to come a point where the punishments stop. Enough now, you've done your time and either you move forward together or separate.

You can't go on indefinitely with him playing the wounded soldier and you taking emotional beatings for it.
You have to say to him that you know you've hurt him, you're very sorry etc. etc, you can't change what's happened but either he now forgives you or you go your own ways.

You have to look after that baby now as well. You need to be strong for both your children and stop this awful emotional blackmail. He needs to grow up Rainbowgirl and you need to tell him that.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but I hate these men who just love to drag things out as long as they can. You've been punnished enough now.

hi rainbow,
I do agree with muppet, about sitting back and waiting. He is obviously really struggling with whole thing too (I'm not sticking up for him I promise!)-if he wasn't struggling then I guess you wouldn't hear from him but instead he is channeling it all towards you. It is unlikely that he will do a U turn and realise that he is projecting his fear onto you, though his anger. It is impossible to hear what the other is saying when you are feeling so hurt/wronged yourself, so I would try so so hard to, as muppet says, sit back and wait.

You have a long few months ahead of you before you know what will be. I hope your Dr has offered you councilling with your anti'D's? if not then pester him for it. Pregnancy can make the happiest person suffer with depression so get as much help as you can now.

As for March the 30th, you will have a beautiful baby in your arms and so you will realise what all this suffering is for. I also sincerly hope that he is hit with a massive reality-brick when he meets his very own baby, as so many silly men do.

Alot of couples go through a relationship crisis during pregnancy I think.
You are going to be a winner no matter what in the end though...because either you will both work through this and become a strong committed couple who can weather storms or you will get over him and move on and the life experience will help with a new love who will stick with you.

Hey

I haven't read all of this thread but can i just say how much it angers me to read things like this. I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant and my ex (baby's dad) has totally abandoned me and bean. It winds me up to no extent, and it doesen't help that people keep telling you to 'give him time'. Give him time my arse! How about you grow the hell up and start acting like a responsible man - for a change! I mean, you would think that THEIR the ones going through all the troubles of pregnancy! And when you talk to them (or shout) all you get is, 'this is really hard on me', or 'i cant deal with this'! Though bloody luck - im dealing with, so why don't you. This probably sounds really bitter, but it makes me sooo mad. I'm 19, at university (first year) and pregnant living 100's of miles away from my home and family. And it's tough on him!!!! How about you carry the baby and see how tough that is on it's own!

He doesn't call, or txt, he refuses to talk about responsibility, he wont get his life sorted - and is going nowhere - fast! Why should they get all the support when it comes to giving him time - it's a crock of shit! What, did i climb on top of myself and get pregnant - i think NOT! It takes two - deal with it, get over it and take responsiblity for your actions you pathetic men!

Flippin pregnant power to all those ladies out their in similar situations! x x x

lwatkins post is exactly what i would have said when i was in the same position!
the 'man' in question in my case did have the chance to meet baby,but decided to glance quickly at baby with not a hint of emotion in his eyes then go on at me about what a selfish bitch i was for about half an hour till i told him to f**k off and never come near us again.
and that was the best thing i ever did.

lwatkins i think you maybe need to read a thread properly before casting judgement either on my baby's dad or on the people who've posted in reply to me, because my situation truly is quite complicated and this was a thread where - hesitantly - it all started to come out..

but that said, i really feel for you and for your situation, and you sound empowered enough to deal with it in a different (though equally valid) way from the way i'm dealing with it - so good luck to you girl hope things go well for you and the LO

(but i'm with you on the fact that all these men need to grow up )