does anyone predict a happy ending or am i deluding myself??...

[cath28]

just wondered if people were in / knew folk in a similar situation to mine. my dd is almost 4 and i'm pregnant again with a second baby due in march... when my dd was just 2 i got together with a new partner who literally became the love of my life, he treated me better than anyone ever has and i truly believed he was my soulmate.. we talked about having children together in the future but the pregnancy was not exactly planned, just kind of happened, not intentional on my part certainly.. in fact i was quite annoyed with us both but i didn't feel negative about it.. however it was clear early on that he was freaked out by the whole thing, we went round in circles for a few weeks with him slipping out of contact then re-appearing and eventually he disappeared abroad without so much as speaking to me or telling me where he was going. he didn't know at the time whether i was keeping the baby or not - i was 8 weeks pregnant.

now i'm at 18 weeks and in the intervening time ive been a complete mess tho pulled myself together a lot in past few weeks coz i mean you've just got to get on with it haven't you? he's been emailing me, asking what is happening, also saying over and over how sorry he is, and how much he loves me, and what a mess his head is in etc.. he kept saying he hoped i hadn't had an abortion as he wanted the chance to reconcile but he knew we couldn't be together right now etc... i put off telling him i was keeping the baby because i wanted to give the whole thing some space and also wanted a proper explanation from him about the sudden departure - which never came. in the end i sent an email a few days ago just outlining the facts, the scans, the due date etc. but kept it all quite light.

i haven't heard from him for over 2 weeks however and i haven't heard from him since i emailed him about the baby. i'm kind of torn between being extremely angry with him -keeps coming and going- and actually feeling worried whether he is ok because i think he really lost it, and i have no idea if he is ok or not, or where he is, obviously - literally he could be anywhere in the world. i know that in his own time he'll get in touch and tell me more and obviously if he wants to be involved with me and the baby and my daughter (who he's treated appallingly) he'll get in contact, if he's reading the emails, that is..

i've got his mother's phone number but have held off using it as we do not get on at all and i think it would quickly descend into her insulting me and refusing to give me any info. it would be awful so i only want to call her as a last resort. it's just hugely frustrating as the only thing i have is this one email address and that's it.

did anyone's partner leave in their pregnancy and then come back? does anyone know of people in similar situations? i genuinely think he left because of fear and an inability to cope on his behalf rather than because he doesn't love me or doesn't want the baby - but not sure where that leaves me. i'm finding it really, really hard to move on in my head - and finding the pregnancy quite tough now too while managing my dd.

any thoughts / advice welcome. sorry to go on so much but i had to let off steam today!!

did your dp come back and then leave again happymumof2?

Message withdrawn

i just keep hoping that there is a chance that he will get past his mental health problems and realise what he is missing out on. i do firmly believe we are soulmates and i think we could have a chance together as a family if he would make a proper commitment and we went to some counselling together and started to stick it all back together again. we were a very strong couple / family. it is my dd i feel really sorry for she deserves better. it is just such a mess. i dont think being in contact with him atm is helping me but am scared to break off the contact in case he disappears for good i don't want that for me or dbaby..

i just wish i could TALK to him instead of emailing it would be a start !!! right i'm going to stop moaning now and make myself some hot chocolate

hi cath

glad you have heard from him altho not sure it will actually do you much good tbh.

i posted the other day but changed my name. i cat'd you but don't know if it worked.

the depression is really hard to deal with, especially if you haven't had depression. i spend a lot of time trying to understand what it must be like to feel so desolate and self obsessed.

i don;t know that i can offer any advice or hope for the future for you.

my dh has turned up at his parent's place. he texted yesterday but hasn't responded to my replies.

i have no idea what the future holds. the limbo thing is dreadful but i am coming to the conclusion that i am allowing him to retain control of the situation by waiting for his decision.

i don't deserve the way he is behaving but i know in all honesty he is not doing this out of spite.

the hardest thing has to be accepting the fact that things aren't working out the way i want them to.

i'm right up there with you on the "missing him" thing tho. it's dreadful and horrible, especially when there are kids (born or unborn) in the mix.

your dp needs to get some help but only he can do that for himself.

good luck, i really hope things work out with him but if they don't then i wish you luck and happiness for the future with your dc.

Hi cath
Just read your thread and wanted to say that I went through something similar. Got pregnant by accident to my dp of several years-- he begged me not to have an abortion and then went to live overseas. I cried rivers for him and all my lost dreams and hopes.
He came back though, was there at the birth, quite supportive. I found out at six weeks he had been having an affair.
We split up and got back together for the next couple of years. In the end I met someone else and ended our relationship.
Although he was a hopeless partner/father in the early years, we are actually good friends now. He has a good relationship with his dd and is generally supportive and caring.
So in a way it is a kind of a happy ending. I think he took a lot longer to grow up than most, and part of me regrets spending so long waiting around for him when i did. But in the fullness of time I don't regret it. I got my lovely dd out of it and am now enjoying dating as a single mother...

My advice to you would be to try and enjoy your dd and your new baby. They are worth ten of any man. Don't expect anything from your baby's father. He may come round, but would you be able to trust him again?

Also dont feel too guilty about whatever happened in the past. He should be strong enough to put all that aside and concentrate on the baby. If he's not that is his fault, not yours.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.
Take care

awwww thanx fiziwhizi.. dont think the CAT worked i haven't seen anything?? anyhow i'm glad your dh has at least turned up if not being v responsive. i hate the lack of control thing. the only way i can assume control is to cut off contact and it's the last thing i want to do.

i hope you'll be ok and will keep you posted too.

bluejelly thanx for your post, it's interesting to hear how a similar story unfolded.. glad things have come good for you in the end.. do you now feel 'over' him then? who knows wtf will happen.. all i know is tonight i feel very blue.

thank you both 4 your support

In response to your question, yes I definitely feel over him. In fact I couldn't be more over him ( thank god)
I look at him now and wonder what I ever saw in him!
I think when you are pregnant it is your natural instinct to try and stick with the father through thick and thin. Trust me, things will seem different in a year's time.
In the meantime take it one day at a time, look after yourself and enjoy your dd.

thanks bluejelly. what i'm aiming to do is just to accept the situation as it is, not try to force anything, give it all time and space, and although i will not be able to let go completely of the dream of us all being together i can at least know that i can cope if it doesn't happen. in my stars today it said 'be careful what you wish for'

hi cath-i just read ur op and scanned the rest of the msgs.
i had to reply,as your situation is very similar to one i was in but as things have all worked out wonderfully for me i dont go into detail.
all i will say is i know that frustration,but i gave up the fight at 12 weeks pregnant,changed all my phone numbers etc so i could just get on with the pregnancy alone and be strong for my other children.
when the due date came and went without a word i knew in my heart i'd done the right thing.
IMHO men who walk out on women without a backward glance,whatever their excuse,and then blame the woman,are being emotionally abusive,you are the one who is pregnant and needs support,ur dp sounds very immature and not like a man who is ready for the responsibility of a family.i think you really are better off without him,no matter how lonley you feel now,you have your dd,and you will have your little baby in march.
as for the practical side of things such as the birth etc,i gave birth to dd2 on my own,well,in hospital with just the 2 mw's,and it was a wonderful experience.my mum looked after my other children while i was there.and 4 year old girls are wonderful little helpers when it comes to babies!my dd1 was 4.5 when i had ds2,and she helped with everything,even giving him a bottle sometimes.(his father was around till he was 4 months old but was a useless lump of shite who i wouldnt have trusted with a goldfish).
i dont know what the future holds with ur dp,but if i were you i wouldnt wait around for him.i think you should just get on with your life on your own.

oh,and when i say things worked out wonderfully for me,i mean i am now with a wonderful man

My oh my... just ploughed through this thread and my first impression is what a remarkably strong woman you have been...

Firstly, you need to give yourself a MASSIVE pat on the back for holding it together (and despite what you may think about how you feel at times, you HAVE held it together). That in itself is a HUGE acheivement. The benefit of all this - although you may not be seeing it yourself - is what a lucky girl your daughter is to have you (especially by the sounds of it her dad needs some education) and what a lucky little boy your new baby will be. Lots of kids aren't so lucky - believe me, the most important thing for them is to have a strong, sensible woman as a mother who is intelligent and able to express herself. You seem to have all these qualities.

As an outsider, looking at the facts you've given, your partner is just not up to the job. It doesn't matter whose fault that is, or who did what in the relationship. If he is saying he had mental health/emotional issues, he is the last person you need around you. At this present time I'm not sure it is your job to sort this man out. Remember how hard it is with a newborn? Remember the lack of sleep, stress, emotional rollercoasters? If this man is feeling so incapable that he has had to flee the country and cannot cope with sticking around to sort things out face to face - then he is no way up to the job of being good enough for you and your children. You must know yourself that you deserve heaps better.

Sounds to me that he is sunk deep into his own problems and cannot see your point of view. If he were able to do this, surely he would see how unfair all this is for you. People with issues like him do indeed become completely selfish - they can't help it and often can't see that they are behaving outrageously. I do have sympathy for anyone with mental health issues/depression etc, but let me tell you it's a long haul to becoming well.

I wouldn't say don't contact him - but at the same time I'd def. cool it. Let him know the facts, don't deny him that, then he can never come back at you to say you kept him out of things. But there are ways of communicating and I think you need to approach this on a more frosty level. I would also steer well clear of his mum.

Got to take dd swimming now, but will post more if I get any bright ideas. Lots of love for now

Ten years ago when I was 29 I was a single mum with 4 yo boy and madly in love with my soulmate, a poetic, musical, depressive free spirit. There was amazing chemistry but he only wanted to be 'friends'. It was like trying to hold water in my hands. To this day I still think of him as my soulmate but realised that for me, my soulmate was not the person I need to be with. We were too alike!

At 29 I met the man I'm now married to. He is also a free spirit but also with a steadiness and devotion that I need from a partner. Of course its not perfect (ie we don't manage to live together!) but I don't expect one person to fulfil all my needs now that I've been round the block a bit!

Ironically, your dp will probably come back when you don't need him anymore. And maybe it could work if you like to be the strong one in a relationship?
If I was you I'd avoid his mother but I wonder if the sister could prove supportive?

hi

glad to hear there was a happy ending for you divastrop.

it is incredibly difficult to live with someone who is depressed. particularly if their depression results in their absenting themselves.

Muppetisacat, you've made some valid points but i'm not sure I necessarily agree with all you have said.

Personally I know my dh is suffering from severe depression, I know he is self obsessed and can only see how dreadful things are for him. But I also know that if he could NOT do this then he would.

I take my marriage vows seriously and believe that I should support him and help him to get thru this.

Obviously I can't do that ad infinitum and he is aware of that.

As I said in an earlier post you know when you're at the end of the road.

I struggle with friends/family who tell me to be strong, to think of me and dd only, to get on with things without him etc. Often very few people acknowledge that this is the man I love and the father of my child.

My situation is not exactly the same as Cath's but I do understand her desire to believe that there can be a future.

Often it would be kinder for the depressed partner to end the relationship all together but they are not capable of doing so.

One thing is absolutely right, Cath's children are incredibly lucky to have such a compassionate, loving, strong mother.

I really hope all of us affected by depression, absent partners etc have a happy ending.

rosy's story reminded me of when i thought i'd met my 'soulmate'..maybe in another universe he would have been.i was 23 and a single mum of 2,he was in prison and we were penpals,i used to visit him as well.i spent months believing we would live happily ever after,he would get out and go straight etc.then one visit we kind of realised it just wasnt going to happen...big-time coke dealers dont really make responsible dads
i am now with a man who is wonderful in all the ways that matter to me.he isnt perfect,but neither am i.he is mature and responsible and a great dad.he is also slightly mad and addicted to a computer game but those things i can live with

fizbang-i have suffered from depression and i know that when you get really low you feel that evrybody would be better off without you,but i dont think thats an excuse for running away from your responsibilities.
cath-maybe he will realise what he's throwing away and want to come back,but do you think you would welcome him with open arms if he did?
i know that personally,if a man couldnt be there to support me through the pregnancy then i wouldnt want him to be around after the birth.thats just me,though.

thank you for all your posts ladies it makes really interesting reading to hear all your stories and thoughts, keep 'em coming .. seriously it is really interesting because sometimes i feel i'm the only person in this situation but actually a lot of people have been there.. and thank you for your supportive comments about me, i am soooo down on myself at the moment so it is nice to hear some positive stuff, now i've got to start to try to believe it. sometimes it is difficult to believe that you can be 'enough' for your children but i agree that what they need most of all is a stable mother figure who somehow manages to hold it together and not disappear to outer mongolia...

i've had a tough day today and i'm struggling with my heart and my head, i guess with the approach that FizBang is adopting (for now at least!) and the approach that Diva adopted.. because to be honest i feel somewhere in the middle.. i mean i want to be supportive to him and i want to understand what he is going thru but at the same time increasingly i feel resentful and in fact very and that he can keep this up and that he is being so very selfish. part of me thinks that i'm being far too nice to him; part of me wants to be nice because then it leaves a door open for him to come back - Diva yes i think at the moment i would welcome him back with open arms (after slapping him round the face a few times ), because i love him and he's the baby's dad and basically i would feel relieved.. but then in 6 or 12 months time i'm not at all sure i'll feel the same way. the longer i do it on my own and the more he misses of the pregnancy, good and bad, the more i think, why should he have the right just to come and go as he pleases?

Diva thank you for sharing your experiences with me as much as you did; i'm glad it has all worked out for you and you have got your 'happy ending', it sounds like you have been enormously strong over the years. good news that 4 year old girls are helpful with newborns, she'd better be!

Fizzbang i totally empathise with that feeling when your friends/family are saying one thing and in your heart you feel another. You are married so in a way your situation is different and also your baby was planned; but in another sense our situations are quite similar because i think we put up with a lot because of love and maybe some people think that's crazy maybe it is lol

Muppet i agree with most of your analysis of this, particularly what you say about not needing his mental health issues around me at the moment when i'm pg and looking after dd too. for now, i want to wait for him in my heart, i can't let go of him, but i'm not sure i can go on dealing with him so directly, so i think you're right that i need to change the way i'm communicating with him; trouble is, i'm a really emotional person and i'm also a writer and i have trouble being 'cold' in emails, i tend to just pour out my heart and then press 'send' and then think oh f* ... maybe i should do 6 drafts before sending anything at all ...

Rosy thanks for your comments; i think you might be right about his sister not sure how to approach her though, and very nervous of it going wrong... Your husband sounds lovely! and i agree with you that one person can't fill all our needs, think that's something that gets clearer as you get older..

thank you all again for your posts.

FizBang you can still CAT me it should be working now, if you still wanted to; hope you are ok. x

Hi Cath

How are you feeling today? You've been terribly hurt by his guy and I think you are coping amazingly well. The fact you're on here is really healthy as it means you are working through all this.

I agree with you, I think the longer this goes on, the stronger you will get and it will probably get to the point that if and when DP decides he can cope with coming back; you may well have got to a place where you don't actually want him to, simply because you don't want him to hurt you and DD again. How will you know he won't just up and leave again in future?

To me your key point was: "the more I think, why should he have the right just to come and go as he pleases?"

I think you are being very generous with him at the moment; giving him the benefit of the doubt etc because you want him back. I suspect that soon you will pass through the hurt phase, into the angry phase, where actually you begin to think "sod him, how dare he treat us like this?"

Whatever you decide to do, I think you're doing really well at the moment.

Fizzbang - I agree with you wholeheartedly that somebody with depression would NOT be like it if they could - I suffered for 2 years with clinical depression and it was the scariest time of my life... I hope you don't think I am writing this man off completely.

I guess my point to Cath was (and maybe I made it badly) that nobody can predict the future and all we really have to go on is what is happening to us in the present. At this moment in time, I truly believe that from the way this man has acted he is sending a clear sign that he is in no shape to offer Cath what she needs through her pg and birth.

My advice would remain the same... keep the guy posted regularly as to what is happening to you and the baby, and try to realise that the less emotional you can manage to make it, the easier it will be for him to begin to return to the relationship. It is truly noble of you to want to offer your support to him, he is incredibly lucky to have that from you, but just be aware that depressives can lead people down a very dark path indeed and you need some sort of armour to protect yourself with - believe me, I speak from experience! You don't know you're doing it, but your perspectives are all wrong and you lose sight of rational behaviour.

Can I also just say what a great bunch everyone is on this thread and mn as a whole. Such a support - really hope you feel some benefit from it Cath in the times when you are at your lowest.

it's me Fiz! back to normality after the festive name changes - until December of course LOL!

anyways, Muppet again you've summed things up very well indeed and thanks for sharing your experience.

i haven't suffered from depression so am always interested to hear from those who have and can give me some insights.

you're right that the only way to "survive" this scenario is to get on with your life as normally and best you can.

i find this is the only way i can cope and stops me feeling so helpless. hence since dh has left again i have continued with plans we had made together. he's invited to join us for the events we had planned but i don't think he will.

in some ways i don't actually really think i've accepted his depression and am waiting for the magical day when he's "all better". i thought that had come this summer when he returned home full time in July.

sometimes it's just as scary doing nothing as it is doing "something" tho. how long can i let things drift and should i be doing something more pro-active are frequent thoughts.

Cath, there is huge resentment in me of his behaviour and i get very at his lack of responsibility. maybe it's a man thing but i doubt a woman would behave as he has.

i think my anger at his behaviour previuously also probably contributed to the latest episode - only in a small way but nevertheless.

anyways, i'm rambling lol!

it's a great thread and the responses have been really supportive to me as well so thanks to Cath for the OP.

Paddlechick - obviously I can't speak for your husband but don't beat yourself up about should you or shouldn't you be doing something. As long as your partner knows you are there is needed (but not to extent of being doormat) then you are doing just fine.

In my experience, there is and was absolutely nothing anybody else could ever do or have done to help me out of a depressive episode. That was done by a combination of drugs, counselling and most importantly by ME MYSELF. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you aren't doing enough... that's the frustrating thing for people involved with depressives - you are pretty much powerless most of the time to make much of a difference.

Another one of the hardest things to get your head around is that once somebody has suffered depression, they will never be quite the same person again, they will never regain the naivety they had before the episode, and they need to recognise the symptoms as soon as they rear their ugly head before they bring them back down again. That's hard for a carer to accept at times and frustrating that you can't just get rid of it like a cold or something and wave it goodbye forever.

Hi Paddle - I'm sorry to hear about all the problems you've been having recently. I hadn't realised until reading this thread what was going on behind the scenes for you

If you ever want to come over and have a moan or a cry, you know my mobile number. I'm always around on Saturdays if you fancy bringing DD over (DH works Saturdays)?

Take care and big hugs

ps our house is a mess

before i started the ad's this time(i went on prozac at 12 weeks)i was in that black hole stage,but i realised i had to do something about it,ie going to the gp etc.i am lucky in that my dp understands alot about depression,but he still finds it difficult to be supportive sometimes.i get frustrated myself when i am depressed,beating myself up cos i should be happy,and should be able to pull myself together!
i have heard of women walking out on their families,in fact i was reading an article in a magazine the other day about a woman with PND who left her 2 children and her dh.but it was a cry for help,she went back in the end and was admitted to hospital etc.

my exp (father of my 2 older children) claimed he was too young to be a dad when i found out i was expecting ds1.he wanted me to have an abortion,but i refused.so he 'stuck by me',reminding me every day that he didnt love me and was only with me out of duty.i was such a hopeless romantic i thought everything would be ok in the end.but it wasnt .he was abusive and violent,claiming it was my fault as i had 'trapped' him,and i should be greatful he'd stayed with me atall.
that is one of the reasons i would now rather be on my own than with a man who was only with me cos he felt he should be.
sorry for going on,im just trying to explain why i feel so strongly about these things.

Hi Foxie

Thanks, that's really kind.

Weekends can be a bit coz everyone else is doing family stuff and the parks are full of dads!

Muppet, take your point about beating yourself up. difficult not to feel some responsibility even tho my rational mind knows I am doing all I can. Probably more than I should really.

DH is on ADs but hasn't seen his phychiatrist for ages. Am trying to ecourage him to chase an appointment but he has to do it himself.

Divastrop, you sound like a very strong amazing woman and I'm glad you're with someone good now.

I have been really sick over the weekend and DH actually rose to the challenge and came to help me out.

Despite being ill we actually had a really nice day. He and DD re-kindled their love affair, he looked after us both and we just really enjoyed a peaceful and loving day.

Then he went back to his parents' and sent a text saying "today was nice". That's all I want, just a peaceful nothing out of the ordinary life bringing up our daughter.

So on one hand I think times like that will help him to recover and fight for things again. But then I've got all my friends and family telling me I'm too easy on him and let him get away with too much!

Very accurate comment about the "having a cold" and just wanting it to go away, that's so true.