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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Partners ex wife wants access to our child!!!??? Can I refuse?

28 replies

AngelBabyOct05 · 09/10/2006 12:10

Hi,

I have just split with my partner (we weren't married or living together) and we've agreed that he has our daughter (who is 1 yr) Tues and Thurs nights and every other weekend. Access for him I have no issue with.

However......I can't stand his ex-wife as she has caused no end of problems for me but she wants to see my child and he says that when he has my daughter he has every right to take her round there if he wants. He has two children with her BTW.

Do I have a right to refuse that he does this?

His ex is nothing to do with me and my daughter and I don't want her cuddling my baby girl. The woman is poisionus and manipulative and it's destroying me to think I have no say in where my child goes and who she sees when she's not with me.

What can I do? Am I being selfish or over dramatic? He says I am and that I can't tell him not to take her round there.

Please help.

Angel Baby

OP posts:

TwigTwoolett · 09/10/2006 12:12

Hi exes children are your child's sisters / brothers

maybe its about the kids?

Blu · 09/10/2006 12:14

She is the mother of your dd's half brothers or sisters.

I doubt she has a 'right' to do anything at all, but you may not have a right to stop your DD's dad doing anythihng unless he is neglecting her or ill-treating her.

I know it's hard, but don't use the child as revenge, or to control him.

frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 12:17

I'd feel the same if I'm honest .

Its hard, but, you want to stay on good terms with him ultimately and as Twiglet says I guess it could be a brother/sister thing. As she gets older your dd will be able to decide for herself how much contact she has with them. If its your partners ex presumably he won't want to spend that much time with her.....

Original poster

AngelBabyOct05 · 09/10/2006 12:21

One of my ex-partners sons lives with him and sees our daughter all the time, the other son lives with his ex wife and will see his sister every other weekend when my partner has her.

I don't have a problem with my partner seeing our child whenever he or the boys want to see her. What I do disagree with is why she wants to have access to her.

It's just too weird for words....!

Am I wrong then? Should I be ok with it? It's just she's nothing to do with me or my daughter.

Now I'm all confused...[hmmm]

Angel baby

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 12:23

I'm not sure why she would want access. Could you have picked him up wrongly, does he just mean if he's there she will of course see your dd or is she specifically requesting to see her regularly?

BlueBeetle · 09/10/2006 12:23

Is she really wanting access - or will he be there too ?

I wouldn't like, but could tolerate it, if he was taking your dd to her house and staying there with her - what I would NOT allow is for her to ba taking care of your child.

Can quite see why you don't like the idea - I would hate it - but also agree that seeing her hb/hs would be good for your dd.

What a pain for you !

throckenholt · 09/10/2006 12:25

I would just tell exP that you don't particularly like his ex-wife and would prefer it if you Dd did not get to be with her.

And then leave it up to his judgement - he is her father - he should have her best interests at heart.

Original poster

AngelBabyOct05 · 09/10/2006 12:28

Well frumpygrumpy, Yyu'd think he wouldn't want to spend time with his ex but... She's best friends with his mother and is invited to every family occasion. And get this!!! She cheated on him when they were married and had this other mans child. Now his mother looks after the child so she can work and to top it off, she gave that child my partners surname!!!!! Even our own child doesn't have his name becuase we're not married!

Talk about feet under the table!

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 12:29

Oh hell, I'm getting it.....

Original poster

AngelBabyOct05 · 09/10/2006 12:37

In the four years I have been with my ex-partner, not once has she dropped the kids off, made an effort to come in and say hello, has told my ex that I am not to look after her kids when my partner went out etc....

If she had been nice to me even once, rather than blanking me, hanging up if I answered the house phone when I'd stay at his etc I might think, ok she can see my little girl.

But I know what this woman is like. She's now crying to my partner "Why won't she let me see her? Poor me!I just don't understand why we can't all get along!" Urrr, becuase you've been a cow from day one?

Sorry to rant but I'm so confused and angry that she's wanting to see her. She's so manipulative you wouldn't believe. This woman said his children feel pushed out becuase of my daughter and i becuase "Daddy doesn't have much time for them anymore...." Arrgghhhh! She's horrid!

AngelBaby

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 09/10/2006 13:00

You don't have a right to stop that or even to know about it just as he doesn't have the right to vet your visitors or boy friends. Why did he bother to tell you? He could have avoided the problem by not saying.

Original poster

AngelBabyOct05 · 09/10/2006 13:02

I wasn't shouting at you frumpygrumpy sorry if that's how it came accross...

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 09/10/2006 14:00

No worries, I just had to run to sort out the kids...... Good luck with it.

I'd find it really hard as well but I think, within reason, his time with her is his time and whilst you can put in general boundaries (food/sleep) it could cause big problems to try to force him not to see his ex-wife. Its unusual she wants to see your baby but I think you can only step back and be pleased you are out of the situation since it sounds a bit messy. Hope it works out for you.

Original poster

AngelBabyOct05 · 10/10/2006 10:03

Well, a good nights sleep (well not actually, lots of crying and tossing and turning!) and I've looked at my situation through fresh eyes.

Tonight is the first night of our new arrangement. He'll collect my baby girl and I won't see her until tomorrow evening. My heart feels wrenched in two at the thought of her not being with me tonight. But it's over between her father and I and I have to accept I can't control what happens to her when she's not with me.

Anger has given way to sadness. I'm desperately sad. Is it possible to cry until you have no more tears? My poor eyes this morning look like I've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

Every minute of every hour of every day, the more the time ticks on, bit by bit my sadness will be left in the past. That's what I keep telling myself.

Thank you for listening and for taking the time to post replies.

x x

OP posts:

frumpygrumpy · 10/10/2006 21:00

Hopefully in time you'll be able to use this free evening for yourself to have some time out. I would find it really hard as well. Good luck.

runkid · 10/10/2006 21:22

I feel for you Angel its not a nice situation and i hope you feel better about it soon. I can understand her seeing your dd if he goes to see his other kids. Not quite sure why she has asked specifically to see your dd though maybe just to upset you, so dont let it.

Pixiefish · 10/10/2006 21:29

Angelbaby- sending loads of hugs your way.

Until dd was baout 12 mold dh adn I went through some real bad patches and tbh I switched myself off from hima lot cos i couldn't bear the thought of him taking my dd away from me even for one night. It tore me a-part as I'm sure its' tearing you apart. Luckily we worked through things (I am not saying that suits everyone but it's what I did). We're still together and happy but I have to admit that at times if it hadn't have been the thought of maybe missing dd I would have left him a long tme ago so I know exactly where you'r ecoming from on the missing your dd bit.

Think his ex is mad btw- wtf has she to do with your dd

HappyMumof2 · 10/10/2006 21:35

Message withdrawn

Tinkerbel5 · 11/10/2006 11:27

I agree with Happymumm and I find this quite bazaar.

I could understand it if a woman wanted to see a child of her partners from an ex wife, but this is totally opposite, she wants to have access to a child from her ex partners ex partner (IYSWIM)

Angle I dont want to upset you, but do you think your ex could be getting back with this woman so wants all the children to get to know each other ?

HowwwlidaymumsHauntedCruises · 11/10/2006 11:34

Sorry Happy mum but I disagree that she has the right to choose who her child sees, the father does too and unless there is a serious risk the courts would not agree with a mother withholding contact from the father on such a matter!

I agree that the woman seems a bit crazy and it is a horrible dilemma to be in but suggesting complete withholding of contact from the father is not going to help the matter.

Children have 2 parents. The trick is to be able to communicate and sortthings out amicably. This child also has half siblings too and has a right to see them.

HappyMumof2 · 11/10/2006 11:48

Message withdrawn

HowwwlidaymumsHauntedCruises · 11/10/2006 12:01

I still feel that all she can do is express an opinion.
My ex had a girlfriend from hell at one point and I hated my kids being near her but there was nothing I could do. He saw her and her hideous friends when he had the kids. Thankfully he swa sense and split as he didn't like the way she treated my kids.
I told him I wasn't happy and he listened eventually. I still believe that both parents should have a big say in how kids are raised be they together or apart.

The issue is not about having overnight contact at this other womans house its about the father visiting her when HE has contact, which angelbaby says she is happy with. I don't believe there is anything that can be done legally unless she poses a serious risk.

chocolatemummy · 11/10/2006 12:08

I can symapthise because i feel the same about my dd being around my husbands son and his mum, we are married and happy but she has put us through hell and continues to do so, and I really don't like the thought of her being with my dd or even my dd being with their son. BUT my daughter loves him and they don't see eachother that much (every other weekend) and he is only a little boy himself and he is her half brother. BUT I do put my foot down now about my dd having contact with my husbands ex, I just dont want me or my dd to have anything to do with her.As the parents, Its our choice.

HowwwlidaymumsHauntedCruises · 11/10/2006 12:23

Chocmum agree with most of what you say.
It is our choice as parents but the father is parent too and if his choice is to visit his ex then there is little that can be done legally.

HappyMumof2 · 11/10/2006 12:28

Message withdrawn

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