Sweetheart, I really feel for you. I was where you are a year ago.
At the moment, don't worry about the house, he will have to support you and your DCs. You do need to see a solicitor, hard as that is because you are still in shock. Try and get a friend to go with you because your family are also in shock. A friend will take in more of what the solicitor says than you will and be able to take notes. Most offer a free 30 minutes, I emailed all in my area and in the end saw two and settled on the second one.
It is natural to feel 'disgusted' with yourself but this isn't about you. This is about him and he probably checked out of the marriage a while ago. I remember my STBXH telling me he was 10 steps ahead of me and I was playing catch up. He has had time to think things through and you haven't.
I couldn't eat without vomiting. I lived on bananas, yoghurts, build up and jelly for months. Eat little and often.
I saw my GP weekly, he was so supportive and knew both of us and was initially shocked but then told me my STBXH was doing something called guilt transference, it is a true state of mind to make them look better for the horrible thing they have done. They detach, are cruel and totally unrecognisable. Eventually, I had to go on ADs and Beta Blockers. I'd never tell anyone to take them as people cope in different ways but they help me so much and just took the edge off and allow me to function. Eventually, I was able to smile again.
I cried, I sobbed every day. I couldn't stop. I was ill, I was desperate. My friends and family were a huge support to me. I had a couple of friends who checked up on me every day, taking it in turns. I didn't want to see anyone but in hindsight, I was so glad for them being there. I will be eternally grateful. Just to have someone hold me and let me cry meant the world.
In my low times, I called the Samaritans, they always managed to calm me down. They are always there. I had anxiety attacks and problems breathing at times and they talked me through some calming techniques.
After a couple of months, I bought myself flowers every week. I booked massages and had my hair done. You need to be kind to yourself.
MN was a lifeline for me. I actually had 3 or 4 threads that got full up each time. I posted in 'relationships' as there were a lot of women who had been through what I was going through. The advice I got was invaluable and I didn't feel so lonely when my DS had gone to bed.
Your life will be different but you will be okay. Hold your DCs close, they will be your strength. You will get through this. I couldn't see it at the time. I had a 'perfect' marriage, a 'perfect' future planned together. He destroyed that for me but I do believe Mums have a certain strength.
Don't hide your feelings, it's like grief. You have to go through this in order to move forward. Do practical things and you will feel more in control but take your time.
for you