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Lone parents

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Original poster

I had all the chances to get him ... (sorry, long)

40 replies

gisi · 01/10/2006 17:29

... and when I was ready it was too late

Hi, I'm a lone parent since my little one was 5 months old, she 's now 5 years old.
At the kindergarden I got to know a father, R., whose wife had died of cancer 3 years ago. We discovered that R. was living just around the corner and so I took his boy to the kindergarden as well.
On some weekends we did things together (went for a swim, to the cinema with the children etc) and enjoyed them a lot, we had long phone conversations in the evenings.
I noticed that R. started to fancy me, so ,did I, but I'm very shy and so I didn't react the way I should have. So he was a bit unsecure about me and my feelings.
Then the kindergarden closed its doors for the summer and anyway his son started going to school.
I didn't call him until 5 weeks later (it took me a lot of courage to do this and my heart was pounding incredibly fast!) and we decided to go for a drink.
I had decided to tell R. about my feelings and was so sure that now everything would be alright for the two (four) of us.
BUt when we were sitting in the pub having a little chitchat he suddenly told me that he had a new girlfriend now. I was so shocked, but I managed to keep the facade (Can I put it this way?) and behaved as if I would be happy for him.
She had looked after her aunt (his neighbour)for some time in her sparetime, because she was ill and had taken his son to the park together with her nephew. And ... well, she asked him out.
IN the end R. said that he would have preferred a woman with a child (me?) but that it would probably be okay with her as well.
Now she has already moved in. And she is looking gorgeous. And in a few weeks she will start working someplace round here.

Two weeks ago R. called me in the afternoon and we had a nice and long talk. then he mentioned some problems with his son's day care and I offered that I could help him if he wanted when I'm off earlier. Then he said that it was nice but his girlfriend would be starting working shifts in November and that that would settle everything.

On Friday we met at some event for children and I could tell that he was happy to see me and we had a nice talk and spent some time together.
He told me again of his problems with his son's daycare and I didn't really say much. A freind of mine said I should have offered my help again, maybe he wanted me to say so.
Shall I text him and offer my help once again?

Do I have to forget him or shall I wait and hope for another chance?

shall i tell him how i feel? (As if I could muster the courage )

Thanks für listening to me Gisi

OP posts:
TitianRed · 01/10/2006 17:34

I would leave it because he has a new girlfriend now. Be there for him as a friend, if you can bear it. If this woman has moved in with him, it must be serious. I feel so sorry for you. x

Piffle · 01/10/2006 17:36

He met someone and moved her in in 6 weeks?
Swerve, see very needy person there, either him or her.
Bide your time, if he is the right person, it will happen for you.

Original poster
gisi · 01/10/2006 19:25

Thanks TR and P
Well, as a matter of fact he didn't have a relationship since his wife had died and that means no sex as well (and for the last months of her fight). I guess it's pretty understandable that he has needs, unfortunately I'm not the one to fulfill them, altough I'd love to.

Of course I want to be a good friend, come what may, so there will always be a little chance left
I'm still hoping, although I might wait in vain.
If someone has an idea: Pleeeaaase let me know.
meanwhile I'll be "biding my time" X

OP posts:
Haily111 · 01/10/2006 19:34

Could i just say he sounds like a decent bloke. I would actually tell him. I have been in a similar situation and waited and waited and at the end of it i was the idiot. I would let him know how you feel, it is then his choice what he does with this information. And either way you will feel better for it in the end...if he decides he likes you then hey-ho but if he just wants to stay friends then at least you are not waiting around and can carry on with your life.

HTH x x x

Original poster
gisi · 01/10/2006 19:42

I think I haven't got the guts to tell him.

OP posts:
Haily111 · 01/10/2006 19:45

What about writing in it a letter?
I find it easier to write things down, or email if you have his email address?

Original poster
gisi · 01/10/2006 20:01

The problem is: I think I would loose him completely, because he once told me that when he has a relationship for him it's totally without looking left or right.
I guess that he might have problems keeping in touch.

oh, i don't know. It hurts so much.

And my dd likes his son a lot. it would have been ideal and i blew it.

OP posts:
Haily111 · 01/10/2006 20:08

You didnt blow it as he doesnt know how you feel yet. Seriously i would just let him know. I know it isn't easy but if you really feel for him then it is worth giving him the chance. Like i said he might say he wants to be with this other girl, but then at least you are not waiting endlessly...

And at the end of the day by you saying you like him doesnt necessarily conflict with him saying he doesn't look left and right (do you know what i am saying?)

btw thanks for the reply on my thread

shebnem · 01/10/2006 22:18

gisi,
i would be careful with this man.
sorry, maybe i misunderstood, but he maybe wanting to use you for his son's care, etc.
he has a girl friend now-i dont understand how she moved in so quickly, but there is something strange about this man.
some men try to seem innocent saying their partners died long time ago, they were alone for long time, etc, these are their type of lies, be careful i may say.
and please dont be sorry you havent missed anything, you are not in a rush, you will meet new ppl.
but be careful dont let them use you, dont offer your helps so easily.
good luck on what you decide.

maggiesmama · 01/10/2006 22:24

tell him, tell him, tell him

you will know either way. and you need that to move on.

tell him. you never know...

Original poster
gisi · 02/10/2006 08:08

no, he really is a widower. I knew his story before I got to know him. And I know from a friend (she lives in the same house as he) that there was noone before in all that time.

I'm sorry, but I think I'm too much of a coward to tell him. I just can't do it now that she has moved in.

So, why am I posting here? - Because I have to tell my feelings

OP posts:
NOredbullLOTSOFGAVISCON · 02/10/2006 08:21

you really need to tell him,you said that he started liking you, well maybe as there was 5 week gap inbetween it all maybe he thought you didnt feel the same way so has settled for 2nd best, you have to tell him like Haily said even write him aletter he could be the 1 for you dont let him slip away

hoolagirl · 02/10/2006 13:08

Sorry but am I missing something here??
The man is now LIVING with another woman as a family !!
He has clearly moved on from your friendship or whatever it was and so should you, instead of hanging around like an eager puppy waiting for any scraps he might wish to throw your way.
Believe me, this man will know exactly how you feel, I bet he was just keeping his options open.

Original poster
gisi · 02/10/2006 13:44

Maybe you are right hoolagirl, but I am convinced it was my fault because he asked me to phone him and I took such a long time.
Honestly, he gave me some oppurtunities which i was too shy to take. So he might have thought i wasn't really interested in him. Oh gosh, how i wished i could turn back time then i would take the chance and i would know.
I know he likes me very much, but i guess that he thought i wasn't as interested as he was as i didn't return his offers for going climbing (I'm ot that sportive) or hiking and so he moved on. I can't blame him for that. In fact i didn't to say "let's do something else instead" and that's entirely my fault) He just got discouraged by my behaviour.
I keep babbling "R., I love you" to myself like a mantra and I guess that's the best way to get insane, but i can't help it.
In a way i think it wouldn't be fair of me interferring when i have had my chance and didin't take it. Also i think by now his son will be used to the new woman in his father's life. He has to consider that as well- i don't want to loose him, so maybe i should just wait if another chance comes up. otherwise i will have to move on although at present i can't even think of it.

thanks anyway for all the kind answers they bring tears to my eyes, but i'm glad to get your oppinions, they support me, though i'm more confused than before. xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
gisi · 02/10/2006 13:46

the thing with her moving in is: when you're in love with someone don't you want to spend as much time as possible with the other person so i can understand that unfortunately.

OP posts:
CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 02/10/2006 13:54

Whatever you do don't declare love to this man. Men are very simple creatures, mostly they say what they feel and mean what they say, if he really fancied you he would have made his feelings known. And he diddn't.
On a more positive note, if there were vibes and you were not ready to recieve them it was because you were not ready to be open to being loved. Now you are ready to be loved, this is great news, embrace this feeling, get a hairdo, buy some new clothes and flirt with blokes that you even mildly fancy. Really and truly you this can be a positive thing in your life

Sheila · 02/10/2006 13:56

You're not the only one who let the chance slip by - he didn't ask you directly, did he? In my experience if a man is really interested he will let you know in a pretty direct way. I don't mean to be unkind but think you should be honest with yourself about what's happenned. Might make it easier to move on.

I think you should stop seeing him - being around him and his new girlfried must be torture. This will be hard at first but in the end you'll be happier and your heart will be open to someone else.

Sheila · 02/10/2006 13:57

Took the words right out of my mouth GGG! Well put.

Sheila · 02/10/2006 13:58

Sorry - meant CCC. Must remember to preview next time...

CreepyCrawlyCarmenere · 02/10/2006 13:58

Shiela, great minds!

Original poster
gisi · 02/10/2006 15:34

Well, as if it was that easy. I know what you mean, but i can't help it.
In fact I have never seen the two of them together because he lives across the street (unfortunately I can see his flat, so guess what I'm doing).
But I knew that it was her because he told me where she is from (you can tell by the number plate) and this car appears to be here every evening for some weeks. Too much incidence to be someone else's car, because there are only families living in our houses.
In November she will start working in town, so well, so so much for that.

I know that I should let go, but if you really feel for someone and you think that you have missed the chance ... well, maybe in a few months I will think differently.

By the way: he has offered me to take my daughter to school with his son next year when she starts at the same school his son already attends and I have to be off to work earlier. I think he also wants to stay in touch (I know this sounds so desperate, but i keep interpreting every word we've been saying, sorry.)

I'm hopeless, forgive me, but thanks anyway

OP posts:
shebnem · 02/10/2006 17:18

he maybe trying to keep his options open, and you are a person in need of love and i think he knows that very well. so be careful.

shebnem · 02/10/2006 17:22

if he had feelings for you why did he let the other lady to move in? moving in is a big step its not a game is it?

nulnulcat · 02/10/2006 18:27

stay away!! just think as well about the poor other woman! years ago i had just moved in with someone who i was head over heels with and thought he was with me, shortly after a female friend of his decided to tell him how she felt about him, he had had feelings for her in the past and during a row he told me in a perfect world he would have been with her not me. i was devastated

if they are together and living together then they are obviously happy so leave them to get on with it

Original poster
gisi · 02/10/2006 18:38

Thanks shebnem and nulnulcat,
well, I hope he is not that kind of man.

Anyway I haven't got the guts to tell him, so NNC, don't worry, otherwise I would have told him long before or when I met him on Friday.

I think all I'm doing here is phantazising about what could be / could have been and as I know from the past it takes me a long time to get over my broken heart and daydreaming makes it easier to cope with it.
Gxx

OP posts:
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