I had all the chances to get him ... (sorry, long)

[gisi]

... and when I was ready it was too late

Hi, I'm a lone parent since my little one was 5 months old, she 's now 5 years old.
At the kindergarden I got to know a father, R., whose wife had died of cancer 3 years ago. We discovered that R. was living just around the corner and so I took his boy to the kindergarden as well.
On some weekends we did things together (went for a swim, to the cinema with the children etc) and enjoyed them a lot, we had long phone conversations in the evenings.
I noticed that R. started to fancy me, so ,did I, but I'm very shy and so I didn't react the way I should have. So he was a bit unsecure about me and my feelings.
Then the kindergarden closed its doors for the summer and anyway his son started going to school.
I didn't call him until 5 weeks later (it took me a lot of courage to do this and my heart was pounding incredibly fast!) and we decided to go for a drink.
I had decided to tell R. about my feelings and was so sure that now everything would be alright for the two (four) of us.
BUt when we were sitting in the pub having a little chitchat he suddenly told me that he had a new girlfriend now. I was so shocked, but I managed to keep the facade (Can I put it this way?) and behaved as if I would be happy for him.
She had looked after her aunt (his neighbour)for some time in her sparetime, because she was ill and had taken his son to the park together with her nephew. And ... well, she asked him out.
IN the end R. said that he would have preferred a woman with a child (me?) but that it would probably be okay with her as well.
Now she has already moved in. And she is looking gorgeous. And in a few weeks she will start working someplace round here.

Two weeks ago R. called me in the afternoon and we had a nice and long talk. then he mentioned some problems with his son's day care and I offered that I could help him if he wanted when I'm off earlier. Then he said that it was nice but his girlfriend would be starting working shifts in November and that that would settle everything.

On Friday we met at some event for children and I could tell that he was happy to see me and we had a nice talk and spent some time together.
He told me again of his problems with his son's daycare and I didn't really say much. A freind of mine said I should have offered my help again, maybe he wanted me to say so.
Shall I text him and offer my help once again?

Do I have to forget him or shall I wait and hope for another chance?

shall i tell him how i feel? (As if I could muster the courage )

Thanks für listening to me Gisi

nulnulcat, I'm sorry that happened to you. I understand that completely (see some posting before)

My subconscious

Tonite I dreamt that we had met and had some fun, he would take me home in his car, but I sat in the backseat and when I got out, he first watched me and then suddenly the car was gone without a word from him.
Is my subconcious trying to tell me something?

I always think of texting him or giving him a short ring, but then i guess that it would be like stalking.
Anyway she is here, so they are all happy family, my odds are nil

Nevertheless, have a nice sunday Gisi

I definitely wouldn't say anything. He is with this woman now.
But, they've only been together a few weeks so who knows if it will work out.
Your children get on, you might be able to help each other out on occasion - no reason why you can't keep a friendship going (if you can try not to curtain twitch too much at what they're up to - and if you bump into him just mention that you're happy to help if he's still having childcare troubles.
As Piffle says, bide your time - if his current relationship is not right it must come to an end by itself, and if you are right for him then things will work out - but I think if you say anything you will have burnt your bridges to no good effect right now.

that's exactly how i feel, thank you, couldn't have put it better.

One thing I've found out now (we met his son yesterday): The pretty one is the sister of his new girlfriend, the other one I saw and who actually is his girlfriend, is rather blunt as I would put it. She is younger than me, but she isn't as slim and as pretty. Hard luck, so it's not really how she looks that makes him fond of her, it goes deeper.

Oh, why can't I find another man to forget this unhappy episode of my life?

Her sister helped Nici moving in, so that's why she was around that much.

I wouldnt mention names gisi.

Poor you. It must be really hard. If its meant to be and he is in love with you, it won't work out with the new girl. Good luck.

thx, don't worry, was just a slip, but noone would know here anyway 'cause i'm from abroad.

I keep telling myself: We have had so many hours on the phone, all went so well and if only i had said something ... it was really something special.
on the other hand: he hasn't only got her to talk, but also for the sex. so that's something i didn't give to him and men are different.
maybe when we meet sometime I can mention how i felt and why i wasn't able to say something. and maybe it's the right time then. Hopefully.

Today a friend of mine phoned, we phone or meet every now and then.
All of a sudden she asked"And, how are things going between you and R.?"
I was completely at a loss of words. We have never talked about this and she couldn't have known about him.
So I only said that he has a girlfriend and there is nothing going on between the two of us.
There was a moment of silence and then she told me that her former boyfriend and now good friend has told her some time ago that R. fancied me and had imagined a relationship between the two of us. Why on earth didn't he ever say so to me?
Why didn't P. phone me two months earlier and tell me then?

My first reaction was to text him or phone him and ask what was going on and why he had told this friend, but not me. Had he hoped P. would tell me?
Well, my dd wanted my attention and the moment was gone.
Now my head is spinning, my heart is pounding twice or thrice as fast and I keep asking myself: should I text him to meet for a drink in a few days and confront him? Should I leave it at that?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhh

in my opinion;
calm down.
cant you tell to your friend that you were feeling the same, you were imagining being with R.
maybe she will tell it to her friend and R will hear it too.
dont text or phone R about it.
good luck!

Oh for god sake get over it!
You sound like an obsessed stalker !

Guess you are always lucky and were never unhappy.

No, I don't think I'm obsessed, I'm only unhappy. Have you never had an unfullfilled love?
It takes its time.
I can't help seeing him /them, because we live within seeing distance.

I haven't even tried to contact him in a month and well, I guess it would help me to get over with it.

Gisi- your time has been and he now has a girlfriend.

Personally I wouldn't tell him- Imagin if it were you were the girlfriend and some woman was declaring her undying love for him- you'd laugh about her and be cross. Don't put yourself up for that type of ridicule

gisi, take a chance and tell him how you feel. Whats the worst that can happen? If he likes you, and you like him then the rest will follow. If he is so in love with this other woman, nothing will come of it. Take a chance, life is too short to be wishing for things....take control!

Lots of conflicting advice in the posts there for you Gisi, you must be so confused. Here is something you can try, it worked for me:

Imagine that he has all the horrible personal habits wich would put you off him - smelly feet, snoring, farting, minute penis - whatever you would find off-putting. You never know he might suffer from any of these. the thing is, you love him in a fantasy way, because until we really live with somebody, we don't really know what they are like.

So, if you concentrate on these new lacking things in him, it should put you off pining for him. Maybe the other woman doesn't mind because she is desperate. If you stop fancying him, then you are free to be his friend and wait and see how his new relationship pans out.

I did this with a work colleague, and he really did split with his girlfriend, only by then I had put myself off him to such a degree that I opened my eyes and realized I genuinely didn't fancy him at all! It was just a fantasy thing. Which yours is. In your head you are building him up to some kind of prince, do the opposite. That way you will let yourself down gently, not make a fool of yourself, and leave the other woman to his smelly habits and his tiny appendage.

good luck