Should I have a second baby with my friend?

[justheretoaskaquestion]

I have a kid already whose dad doesn't want any involvement. That's fine and we cope well without him and I'm kinda used to being able to raise my kid however the hell I like without having to consult him. Now I want another baby. I thought about adoption, thought about sperm donation... and now I'm thinking about taking a friend up on the offer of having one together. We were together in the past although we've been strictly platonic for many years, since before the first kid.... We're good friends and I think he'd make a decent dad but I want as many opinions/personal experiences on this as possible. Will I find it too hard to have someone else's input? Will it be sad for my current kid when his bro/sis goes to their dads and he doesn't? I could hold out until I find a new relationship but as my first kid is 5 already I don't want a huge age gap and aren't expecting to find anyone any time soon! Thanks...

I don't think anyone should wait to find "a really nice partner for life". It doesn't happen for everyone.

I think your circumstances sound fine and in your situation I probably would go ahead. As for the "what if you meet someone?". I don't think anyone should put off something they really want to do for a "what if?".

To my mind a secure, loving, adequately financed situation is the most important thing and it doesn't need to be one with a nuclear family to achieve it.

Sorry if you have answered this, but do you think you would be able to manage financially on your own? I guess your friend wouldn't be offering to support you - and along the same lines, would you have to give up work to bring up two children on your own?

Also, in regards to the friend, I think it is a very altruistic offer now, but what if he starts to feel differently once the baby is born and wants a 50/50 arrangement with you?

How would you know that this would never happen?

I think then your ideal of totally independent parenting would be impossible to uphold.

My friend did this but she had twins second time round. She was however much older, 41 and really wanted a second child. She has found it very hard as she has sole financial responsibility for the twins and the area her business is in has become tougher recently. At 26 I'd wait.

Hi, yes my friend is offering to support me financially. As I said, I wouldn't NEED it as such, although I would expect and appreciate it. And no, my work arrangements at the moment are already tailored to suit being a single mother and except the obvious maternity leave there would be no adjustments that I can see being necessary to my job

cutteduppear i think you've misunderstood a bit... my friend is wanting to take an active role in the child's life... and no it wouldn't be exactly 50/50 but I do want him to have a lot of involvement anyway. if anything changed during the child's life we would deal with it as any seperated parents would do.... nothing is set in stone in life!

eastpoint, twins would be a bit of an ordeal but the possibility of multiple babies isn['t something that ever holds somebody back from getting pregnant is it?? Seems a bit of a strange thing to be so worried about that you alter your plans when there's no genetic risk

eastpoint... did your friend do it through a clinic? is that why she had twins? we were thinking of some short businesslike conception efforts in the comfort of our own homes lol

In your position if I wanted a second child I would go down the sperm donor route rather than the friend route, if I could financially cope with a second child. The benefits I see there are that both of your children will then be the same, you maintain parenting authority no matter what, should you subsequently meet a long term partner there will be no messiness in trying to blend families etc. If it were me, I would rather either have a child by myself or with a committed partner that I expected to be with for a long time. I would not want to follow this kind of half-way in between path that you are suggesting. That's me though! YMMV.

justheretoaskaquestion, I'm not telling you what to do, goodness know I certainly don't have all the answers in life!

but it sounds like your ina bit of apnic, when I think theres no need to panic yet

like I said the age gap is already going to be there
and it doesn't have to be a negative thing
pros and cons to all lifes situations

and I certainly don't think there is any such things a perfect man/woman or child
so I dont' advise you hold out for that

just at 26, you have a really good chunk of time ahead of you to build a lovely life for yourself, sure in 10 years I can see why
you would feel more pressurised to make a decision

but you do have time

momnipotent - that is definitely an option i have looked into and will continue to look into for all of the reasons you just said. The distinction that the baby would be mine and only mine would be a lot easier considering that, other than legally, the same is true of the first kid.

magicpixie - I know you're not telling me what to do! but yeah you're right I am in a bit of a panic about it i feel like nothing I do in this situation is right except to not have a baby. but not having a baby doesn't feel right to me :

I know I have a good chunk of time but... i don't know. i don't want to rely on this idea that i have to meet a man in order to have another baby. Id love to one day have a proper family but not as much as I'd hate to be approaching an age where I can't have more kids, still single and with no options.

No, she just had two eggs released that month, they are b/g twins. She had a big worry about the father of her 2nd pregnancy being a 'good' father, she thought it wouldn't be fair on the oldest child so he fathered the second dcs so they would be treated equally. He lives overseas & rarely sees any of his DCs, from choice.

Has anyone gone down this route before

I have with my two youngest children, however I do have an over 20 year age gap between my eldest and youngest

It is my understanding that if a child is conceived via donation (not sexual) due to a change in the law a couple of years ago no clinic is needed then the other biological parent does not have the option to obtain PR and would not be expected to pay CM. could avoid the potential risk of a 50:50 insistence.

But check that as it was another poster who posted about it not something I am certain about if that makes sense

How are you proposing to make the baby????

NeedsAsockamnesty - according to the HFEA: The law says a man donating sperm through an HFEA-licensed clinic is not the legal father of any child born through that donation (this includes cases where the donor is known to the recipient). However, when donation occurs outside a licensed clinic, this guarantee does not exist.

I have gone through similar thoughts of adoption.

I have a 7 year old, I have been able to go out more this year so more likely to meet someone though not looking.

I have thougth deep down though one child as a LP is so much easier than 2

This is another thread where the poster asks for advice then spends the whole thread justifying why they know better than all those offering it.

No op I would stick to just the one goat.

Why the rush? It sounds a bit like you are running from something to distract yourself? Are you lonely? So what about the age gap.....there will already be too big of one for them to be that close.
I wouldn't do it just yet. But I think you will anyways coz you sound like a woman on a mission.

prisipan

The poster I was chatting to about this linked to several uk sites saying that if conception had not been as a result of actual sex then there were some changes but I cannot remember where she linked to. At the time it was a very interesting thread

I am in more or less the same situation, I am 34 yrs, I have been a single parent to my 11 yr old from day one . I have got to the point in my life where I do not want to be married, but I am aware of my biological clock ticking (my mum, had menopause in her mid 30's). I am worried that my Daughter would have no family if something happened to me ,as my parents are getting on a bit. I also believe that a 11 year age gap is huge between siblings.

I have sort of been in relationship for 3.5 years, but we now do not live in the same city, we talk/ text daily, and see each other twice a month. We love each other very dearly, and have discussed marriage at some point in the future, although I love him , I am very happy with our living arrangement right now. I am not interested in meeting anyone else. I truly love him.

We are discussing conceiving a baby, but I am aware that on the whole I will be bringing the child up single handedly(I am very happy with this btw).

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated !

OP The likelihood is that a DC conceived the way you propose will, at some point in their lives, have a stepmum. And, given that your friend intends to be an involved father, that stepmum will have a significant role in your DCs life.

I suggest you take a look at posts on the stepparenting board to give you an idea of the potential issues you may face before you make a decision.

Gods forbid if you were to die before your children reached adult age - worse still if they were very young - would the donation father be prepared to take on both children to keep that sibling bond? Would he even be prepared to take on his own bio child in that event?

Gods forbid if you were to die before your children reached adult age - worse still if they were very young - would the donation father be prepared to take on both children to keep that sibling bond? Would he even be prepared to take on his own bio child in that event?

Is this not something every single parent has to consider?

Yes needs but most single parents don't choose to be.