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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Should I have a second baby with my friend?

50 replies

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 11:01

I have a kid already whose dad doesn't want any involvement. That's fine and we cope well without him and I'm kinda used to being able to raise my kid however the hell I like without having to consult him. Now I want another baby. I thought about adoption, thought about sperm donation... and now I'm thinking about taking a friend up on the offer of having one together. We were together in the past although we've been strictly platonic for many years, since before the first kid.... We're good friends and I think he'd make a decent dad but I want as many opinions/personal experiences on this as possible. Will I find it too hard to have someone else's input? Will it be sad for my current kid when his bro/sis goes to their dads and he doesn't? I could hold out until I find a new relationship but as my first kid is 5 already I don't want a huge age gap and aren't expecting to find anyone any time soon! Thanks...

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minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 17/10/2014 11:03

how old are you op?

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 11:06

Sorry to sound defensive but why do you ask?

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Johnogroats · 17/10/2014 11:16

I think I would want to know more about your personal circumstances to advise, including your age. On the facts above, I would say No.

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 11:19

My age is 26. If anybody is thinking that I have plenty of years left to have a baby, i am aware of that. The reason I want a baby now is that I have always wanted two kids and I do not want a huge age gap. The age gap that they would have if I had a baby right now is even a little high for me.
Johnogroats, why do you say no?

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Siarie · 17/10/2014 11:30

I suppose it depends what you want. Whether that's just a baby or the whole family package. You can't guarentee it will stay that way of course.

If I was getting on a bit and hadn't found the right guy then I would consider that scenario. But my first choice would always be to have two in house parents.

Choice being the key word, you don't always get what you want but it you never aim for it then you never will.

Do you mind being a lone parent for the second one?

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 11:35

No, I don't mind being a lone parent at all. I'm actually a bit more worried about this new potential baby having it's father involved as I'm not used to it! This guy is very different to the first kid's father and would be actively involved which would be lovely and refreshing but I am extremely stubborn and bossy, I'd be concerned I might not take it well having to consider how he thinks we should raise baby if we disagreed...

That being said, if I could choose an ideal situation I'd meet a nice guy and we'd have the baby as a family. That would be the kind of situation where I'd find the compromise a lot easier. Especially since the way I'd raise my kid in our family home would be well established and most likely followed for the second baby.

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Flingmoo · 17/10/2014 11:48

What happens if you end up in a long term relationship in the next few years and this DP wants a kid of his own?

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 11:57

Then we could think about another I suppose. But like I said, I don't want any kids that have a huge age gap from my first kid. So whether I already had a second or not the discussion would go the same way.

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minkymuskyslyoldstoaty · 17/10/2014 12:28

i asked of your age as i am in a similar lone parent situation but for me i am getting old.

i have thought about the routes you have suggested. yet even at my age i would like a baby within a relationship.

if you are ok with sharing parental choices with a friend and not in a relationship then go for it.

if i were in your position i would be thinking i had many years to have a relationship and a child.

mrsminiverscharlady · 17/10/2014 12:30

Would the friend support you financially? If not how would you support yourself?

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 12:36

He would support me financially. I am in a position where I wouldn't need the extra financial support but obviously anything extra I could expect would be lovely.
minky - I do think I have many years to have a relationship. I don't, however, agree that I have many years left to have a baby as personally since i started young I want to finish reasonably young. I know it would be possible to be pregnant for another 15+ years but that could literally mean a 20 year age gap. I don't mind a bit of an age gap but I'm putting an absolute limit on 8 years. A lot of people seem to think this is silly but I don't see why.

Has anyone gone down this route before?

OP posts:

Enb76 · 17/10/2014 12:38

I don't think this is necessarily a bad idea. There are all sorts of families after all and a happy one with two separate parents that get on is not a bad option. Would he agree? Does he get on with your actual child?

There are a couple of things to think about:
He will have just as much right to input from a parenting point of view so it may be an idea to get this down on paper.

Work out the best contact for you both and when - this is unlikely to be 50/50 and sole contact overnight will need to be taken slowly by him - this all needs to be discussed and agreed up front.

Christmas and birthdays - one year off, one year on?

What happens if he or you find a partner?

etc...

Enb76 · 17/10/2014 12:40

I have a not dissimilar situation to you but it was not planned - it works brilliantly.

Another woman who had a baby with a friend went overtly on the offensive with the friend after the baby was born - there's been a lot of heartache there.

It can work.

VSeth · 17/10/2014 12:41

You sound very capable, I would go for it but only after an agreement is reached with the father to be in terms of support, access and general input into the child life.

Also consider if your friend would be willing to play an active role in your DS life?

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 12:45

enb76 - The arrangement which has been discussed briefly but not in a whole lot of detail is that I would be baby's primary carer. He would see the baby as much as possible, have the baby overnight, etc etc once it's old enough to leave me. Probaby stay with us for a month or so when the baby is newborn to help out with the most stressful bit... As for birthdays and christmas I would never deny him the opportunity to spend either with child. He will always be welcome to parties, present opening at my house, to take the child out to celebrate seperately if he wanted... As for finding a partner, there is no jealously currently between us. I can;t imagine that we would be jealous of each other just because of a baby but having never done this before Im not sure and that is one thing I'd like to consider. Not jealous as such about the relationship but would he be upset that I had another "parent" for our child? He claims not but it's hard to predict

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Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 12:47

vseth - thank you. The issue of (i don't know what DS means but i presume you mean my kid) is a tricky one. he knows and gets along with my kid at the moment but the idea that he could go from "mummy's friend" to "surrogate parent" is a bit strange to me. I don't neccesarily think I'd want that. FOr example it would be a bit strange to me for him to take my current kid overnight with the baby, especially since i am still in close and regular contact with the kid's dad's family

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magicpixie · 17/10/2014 13:06

personally 26 I'd wait

concentrate on finding a really nice partner for life

then extend your family then

your dc1 will then have a father figure

the new children will hopefully have a happy and stable life

its not your ideal age gap sure, but I think the other option is far less ideal

magicpixie · 17/10/2014 13:07

and if your dc1 id five you've really gone past the point of worrying about age gaps
so I would honestly stop worrying about that

good luck op

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 13:11

magicpixie - Hi, yeah, that's what I was thinking for a long long time but having been single since before my kid was born I don't put much faith in this happy stable long term relationship that everyone else is telling me i'm about to have. I also don't want my life plan to depend upon somebody else. i could find a perfect man who doesn't want kids...
If my kid in the future has a decent man in his life who raises him then that would be great but he's already got a great godfather and a huge family, I'm not sure if wanting that for him should stop me from making other plans in my life? I just don't know. I know I sound like i've made my mind up already but i've not. I suppose I'm looking for objections that I have no decent answer to

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Enb76 · 17/10/2014 13:16

The stable happy relationship never happened for me and I'm about to hit 40. If I hadn't had the child I did I wouldn't have a child at all.

Theherbofdeath · 17/10/2014 13:19

I'm in a similar situation to you, and at your age I wouldn't do what you propose. For a start, you are already looking at an age gap of at least 6 years. Those 2 children will not be "mates", growing up together. You've missed the boat on that. And there are likely to be difficulties in meeting someone later on if you have 2 children, one of them young, and with the 2nd child's dad involved. And as you say, it would be hard on number 1 to have no dad while number 2 has an involved dad, who is however not a live in dad and may well have little to do with number 1. Plus all the things that could go wrong with the dad - you may fall out over how to bring up the child, access, money etc etc. Could get messy.

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 13:20

enb76 I am (somewhat in a biased manner) drawn to your advice! One really stupid thing that I keep thinking though is that if I'm going to be trying for a baby, then pregnant, then post childbirth... this whole process will take at least 18 months... is that 18 months that I'm denying myself the chance to meet a partner?

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Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 13:24

Theherbofdeath - the age gap is more to do with me. I had a baby at 21, I don't want to be having another in my mid thirties! Although everything you say is something I've considered. Especially meeting somebody. But as I said meeting somebody could work against me if they already had kids and didn't want more.

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DoubtfireDear · 17/10/2014 13:44

I'm the same age as you, with a child of the same age (absent father) and have been contendedly single for roughly the same amount of time.

I wish I had a situation like yours on my hands, I have no real desire to get into another relationship but would love to have another child.

It sounds like you know him and have been close to him for a long time, I think that as long as there is trust there and you can agree as much as possible on paper, you should go with this.

Original poster

justheretoaskaquestion · 17/10/2014 13:48

doubtfiredear, there's LOADS of ads online offering sperm donation with no child contact... different insemination options available too so you can avoid the ones looking for a quick shag! I did consider that myself before this offer was made... everybody I know seems to think it's a silly idea. I myself have absolute faith that he would be a good father but I think because he's not already a dad a lot of people see it as a risk? Bit unfair, you wouldn't say the same of a man who wanted kids from within a relationship.

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