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Original poster

Would you do it? Move 2 hours away from children's father to be nearer family..

31 replies

CharlieBee · 14/09/2014 09:23

Hi all,

Would just really like some advice on my situation from other who are unbiased and may have some experience of similar situations.

Background - My ex-h and I split 2 years ago when he came out as gay (we had been together 10 years). Out of the blue. He has been supportive financially and emotionally since and has always denied that he had any relationships before we split up. It's been hard but I'd always been amicable with him for kids' sake, and we were functioning quite well as friends until last week when it emerged that he had been cheating on me with a 'friend' of his before we split. I feel so angry and betrayed, but also really isolated now. The kids and I live about 2 hours away from either set of grandparents, and so our only 'back-up' and support really was my ex who lives about 20 mins away now. My son is autistic too so is quite a handful.

Anyway, I've always wondered about moving back near my mum and sister 2hours away. I really want to do it now. It would be lovely to have family support, and to be closer to them day to day. However it would mean the children (6 and 4) having a 4 hour round trip every other weekend to stay with their dad. Which seems really cruel to them. especially as they get older and want to do things with their friends locally at weekends. That's the only thing stopping me though. Do I put myself first and move or keep their lives stable and continue feeling miserable and alone??

Any thoughts welcome xxx

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 14/09/2014 13:52

No I wouldn't. He supports his children and shouldn't be punished for the split.

If you want more day to day support, can't he have them more?

It's nice as they get older to have the choice of going over to dads when it's close by. I'm sure your children would rather have more time with dad than grandparents.

Original poster
CharlieBee · 14/09/2014 13:59

Thanks for your reply Daisy. Unfortunately he can't have them any more than he does (every other weekend) as his job is long hours and inflexible and wouldn't allow it. I have suggested to him that if he got a place in the same town as us then he could have them one evening a week and drop them back to me in the morning (I've worked my job around school times) but he's not interested. I'd also be happy for him to have more time with them (e.g. some time every weekend) but he won't as he's very protective of his new lifestyle and freedom.
Come to think of it, he is very supportive, but on his terms.
You're probably right, I have to put the kids first, it just feels so lonely and I feel like such a mug. We only moved to this town as it was on the quick trainline for him to get to work.

OP posts:
SoonToBeSix · 14/09/2014 14:11

I disagree I think your dc living nearer their auntie and grandparents is putting them first.
You will be a better mum if you have support.

Original poster
CharlieBee · 14/09/2014 14:27

They'd certainly have a happier mum ;-) Actually when I talk about support I really mean emotional support. My mum is getting on so wouldn't be offering childcare or anything like that. I think it's just having someone to share the ups and downs of the kids with, and maybe occasionally have one child whilst I do something with the other.

OP posts:
Diagonally · 14/09/2014 14:38

Difficult one. I have been in a similar situation for 5 years. Made the decision to stay because exH was willing to have DS two nights a week.

In term time it works well. The only problem is the school holidays. If I'd moved back home I would have help from extended family then.

If my ex had only offered eow I'm pretty certain I would have moved back home and split the travelling 50/50.

Original poster
CharlieBee · 14/09/2014 14:42

Thanks Diagonally, nice to hear I'm not the only one with that dilemma. Have things got easier as time has gone on? Do you feel more settled? I worry that I'll never feel settled as have no family nearby.
Re. the travelling, I don't mind splitting it with him, it's more the children having that long journey fairly frequently that I worry about...

OP posts:
partyskirt · 27/09/2014 14:24

My stepchildren's mum did what you are contemplating and so we do that round trip (but she won't split it 50/50 like you, so my DH does it all). The kids are now young teenagers and it is a tiring journey, but not so much for them, more for their dad who is then tired and not full of beans for them as soon as they arrive. They don't mind the journey - or have certainly never complained.

Fwiw I personally think you should move, if you want to. I have a friend whose dad came out as gay when he was about the age of your children and the dad moved away (but later moved back, when they were late teens). Although it hurt them what upset them more deeply was the lifestyle their dad was living, which ended up a bit 70's ish while he 'found himself'. The dad is now settled with a lt partner and they're all quite happy. Kids (in their 30s) have a good relationship with both parents and the parents are civil together too. I'm pretty sure they had some periods of seeing their dad very infrequently. And the mum was surrounded by local family for the whole time they grew up.

Poor you -- it's hard for you. xx

crazyhead · 27/09/2014 21:35

My sister is contemplating exactly the same after a recent split (similar distance to you). In her case, her ex is very unreliable and rather controlling so it is hard right now to imagine life away from family and near him.

It sounds like you have given living nearby to your ex a decent go, but have been rocked by this recent revelation, so maybe worth just giving it a couple of months to see if your feelings change again?

Other things I'd consider in your boat (and my sister is) are house prices, convenience for work, friendships and the possibility of building friendship, and gut instinct liking for the area - in short, I'd write a massive list of the pros and cons of each area.

Personally, I'd then do what I felt gave me the best chance of happiness. Nobody can offer their children everything, but you are clearly trying hard and as the main care provider, you being happy is likely to give you the stamina to be the best possible mum in the long term

RandomMess · 27/09/2014 21:39

Realistically will it only be 2 hours on a Friday evening?

WakeyCakey45 · 27/09/2014 23:09

It's worth considering how you'd feel if one, or both DCs, decided they want to "live with Dad" as they get older.

The distance, and consequently the lack if accessiblity, is likely to create an artificially positive experience when they do visit him - and it would be a visit rather than an equal home as they will never be able to "pop in" and see their Dad, it will always require planning and scheduling, even when they're a lot older.
That in turn may create an attractive alternative to the "mundaneness" of day to day life with you and they may, as they get older, believe that grass is greener on the other side.

The other consideration is the level of involvement he could have in their day to day lives - they will undoubtedly miss their dad being at a lot of milestone events (nativities, sports day, award ceremonies, proms etc).
A lot of separated parents I know have made a commitment not to move outside a certain distance of the former marital home in order to ensure that the DCs benefit from two active parents in their life.

ChippingInLatteLover · 27/09/2014 23:17

I would move to be closer to your friends and family - having a good network around you is more important than an ex/father who is more interested in his new lifestyle.

It's only 2 hours, if he want to be there for 'events' he can be.

Do it now while the kids will move 'easier'.

ChippingInLatteLover · 27/09/2014 23:18

He can come up to you and stay in a B&B the kids don't have to do that trip back to his EOW.

Anotherchapter · 27/09/2014 23:25

op I moved away to be be near my parents when ex and I spilt . The support we gained of family members was invaluable. I felt human and sociable again, was able to get back in to work and settle down in a happy way of life. Kids are movable. I know the saying is glib but 'happy mummy happy kids'

Two hours there and back isn't that bad. It means four hours of one to one chatting in car, talking discussing about life.

Do it.

DancingDinosaur · 27/09/2014 23:27

I'd move, and either do the journey or maybe split cost of a b and b for him, dependent on your financial position. A good support network really means so much. As long as the kids still get to see dad regularly then there is no issue.

WakeyCakey45 · 27/09/2014 23:42

As long as the kids still get to see dad regularly then there is no issue.

I'm not sure I'd be as quick to dismiss the value of seeing their dad as a rounded, whole person, rather then a regular feature in their lives in a limited context.

They'll never see Dads "work persona" (what does he wear to work? Where is it? What does he keep on his desk?) if he only visits them at weekends, or his "middle of the night" appearance (does he wear jammies or boxers?), if he stays in a B&B - there's a lot they'll miss out on in terms of familiarity and knowing their Dad if they only share "visits" with him, however regular.

I think it's important that children have the opportunity to share that day to day life intimacy with both their parents.

Asteria · 27/09/2014 23:52

Please consider all your options very carefully, I understand how tough this is for you but a knee jerk move will have long term effects.
DH's exW moved his children 2 hours away (which translated to a 6-9 hour round trip on Fridays). It put massive strain on his relationship with his DC - he went from being a very hands on father to a once a fortnight visit. It also made an already difficult co-parenting situation impossible.
Someone mentioned further up the thread about attendance of DC's events and how a father would be there if he wanted to be. It simply isn't that easy. Most jobs will just about allow an hour or two here and there for sports days, but not most of the day. DH hasn't been to a school play or sports day for 2 years (although his ex did book out of work slots for her turn at events knowing he couldn't do work hours) and little things like that have really eroded his relationship with his DC.
Think about it for a little longer - give it till the end of the school year if you can, at least your DCs can have a simple transition that way. Good luck

Minibirdyay · 28/09/2014 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/09/2014 00:37

Asteria OP s ex already only sees the dc once a fortnight, so doesn't sound that " Hands On " to me. Think about it; he is with them 2 days to her 12. OP, I think you really want to move, and if you do, now is the time. Give it another couple of years and they will be more intrenched in their own lives and it will be harder. Essentially, your husband left you, maybe for someone else. Now you need to do what's right for you AND the children, and moving them near loving and involved family could be a very good thing for you all.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 28/09/2014 00:40

I just don't want you to hang around for " the sake of the children" while Ex has a lovely time being basically a free single man only to find your chance has passed you by. Make your own way. He did, after all, didn't he?

FrazzledMiddleChild · 28/09/2014 00:45

Yes I would do it and I did. Best thing for everybody. My parents more use than my x.

I agree with the PP, make your own way, after all, he did.

starlight1234 · 28/09/2014 19:12

I would.
Your children are young enough to adapt. What happens when they are grown . I don't see why you have to stay where you are for the rest of your life.

MY only real concern is your timing as you are very angry ( understandably ) at him. I would wait till your emotions settle before you decide

Mummy321 · 28/09/2014 20:47

I'm thinking of the same thing, except 2 hours away so 4 hour round trip... Or an overnight stay in hotel occasionally.

I have kids 13 nights to his one night, so not dissimilar to your situation. I agree it's not hands on, like ifnot said.

Be where you and your kids would be happiest. Where do yo see that now, in 5 years, etc? Where would they get the most support, the best role models, love?

I still can't decide- I want to go to where my parents are and where I'd be able to live more comfortably financially and generally a better lifestyle IMO (out of london)... But I'm making no decision right now and mulling it over. Perhaps you can mull it over for a couple of months?

I do think the fact he financially supports his kids has anything to do with you staying.

"Make your own way, he did". I like that. If you decide to go, don't feel guilty- you are doing it for you and your kids. But I would suggest mulling it over for a while....

chocoraisin · 02/10/2014 11:16

I did. EX subsequently moved about an hour closer, but still only sees DC e.o.w. I may move again in the future, about another hour away meaning it's a 4/5 hour round trip again. Our DC were so young (18 months and pregnant when he left) and I can't see it being possible to commit both our lives (and new partners and other DC) to being 'tied' to a place like that. We all need careers, and the freedom to grow. There will be a necessary ebb and flow over the next 18 years. Its life. If my EX had wanted to be hands on and fully involved, he would have made better choices (ie, stayed, or not cheated, or left before getting me prengnant would have been good ones!). The fact is he is who he is, I am who I am, and life goes on. There's no bitterness, only acceptance that while we would all like life to be simple, it isn't in reality. The DC (2 and 4 now) cope very well with travel as long as it's all civil. We share driving 50/50 at the moment.

Do what you need to do to be a good parent and to stay sane. You are allowed to have a good life as well as being a good mum. You are not wholly responsible for their dads relationship with your DC. Be kind to yourself x

Original poster
CharlieBee · 02/10/2014 15:48

Hi everyone, thanks for all your messages. Have made no plans currently, am trying to sit tight and let my emotions calm down as several of you suggested.x

OP posts:
WannaBe · 02/10/2014 16:23

IMO your motivations are based on wanting to get back at your ex for things which happened before you split.

Regardless of the fact he cheated, you split amicably, have remained amicable, and the fact he is gay means your marriage was untenable anyway regardless of the affair.

On some levels I do agree with the notion that you should look after yourself, but I do also think that when it comes to children we should put them first, and that "happy mummy equals happy children" is a bit of a selfish notion, because just because you are happy doesn't mean they'll be happy seeing their dad less and having their relationship eroded.

Fwiw I do sympathise. We moved here away from my entire support network because of xh's job. Eleven months later we split, I was left with no family, no friends and I still didn't have a job, but xh facilitated me being able to stay here so we could co parent.

Two years on I have a dp who lives 120 miles away, I still have few friends and am still looking for work and my xh has a new partner and no longer speaks to me. But moving away to e.g. be with dp or perhaps my family would mean I'd need to uproot ds and destroy the 50/50 relationship he has with both of us and IMO I have no right to do that.

Just because one parent doesn't put the kids first doesn't mean the other has the right to do the same...